Blog #86 Third Y-90, Inner Peace, and Living Life.....

It's going to be another big week for me. I am scheduled for my third Y-90 treatment on this Thursday. I am more ready to get this done and over with than I am anxious for the procedure. I have a little anxiety but I am pretty good and secure  when it comes to getting this treatment. I am not put to sleep, I am just given a twilight injection. I am hoping the success of  this treatment is as good as the last two treatments were for me previously. 

I know that I am fortunate.... that I am able to have another injection and hoping that the treatment gets these new five tumors, and not only stops them in their tracks but will keep it  from anything else coming back! 

Life is really good. I am feeling good and I can honestly say that I have an inner peace that I have not had this entire journey. I have had a lot of fear. I allowed my mind to go to those "What if " places that any one would go to. I let myself fear life because I was so scared of dying. I just think that it's hard to be positive while you are fearing every thing that may or may not happen. I have told and forced my mind to stop.... to just appreciate the life I have . To enjoy life. To make plans. I didn't make plans and I made excuses saying that " I might not feel good" I don't do that anymore . I make plans and I have made my plans for my Mexico Girls Trip 60 days out and now we are 38 days from boarding the plane... It seemed like the time would never get here and we are now almost half way to the time to leave. I am glad now we didn't plan for April, May will give me enough time to get to feeling better and get my strength back. 

I had another person I met online contact me this week, I found myself giving some really good advice. I know each of us have our own journey and I know that we all have the same kind of things that run through our minds.  This person was saying how they needed to get their affairs in order just in  case. We should all have our affairs in order some of us are not even given a chance to fight for our lives some people die in an instant with a accident, a heart attack, or even a gunshot just being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Getting your affairs in order doesn't mean that you give up, it just means just in case something happens you have things in order for the people you leave behind. I have all my stuff together. I have my will made out. I have written letters to my little daughter, so far to the age of 16, I cry sometimes when I have written some of these letters but I think it makes me happier to know that I can be a part of those special days just in case I don't make it through this or anything else life has to throw at me. 

I decided that I am going to be happy ... Happiness is about letting go of the fears and letting your heart and mind  enjoy all the things you have in your life that you love doing! I don't miss any of my little grandson's ballgames. I go to Evan's gymnastic classes. I try my best to be a good mama, and grandmother. I just know that life is short no matter what you are facing and for me I think that you can be happy through anything you are facing in life. It's a choice and I totally chose happiness. 

I take a lot of pride in my job. I think with me continuing to work, my business servicing my customers and writing new business it really has helped me in my recovery. It has kept my mind busy and an I know that an idle mind can make you sicker in ways that you create yourself. I have not changed anything about my life over these last 14 months besides trying to get well from each procedure and chemo and being down and out for a few days. I have tried to remain "ME" I think there have been times that I felt that I had to change I had to be this person I didn't know. This sick person with cancer.  I no longer feel that way. I am me, I feel healthy and happy and I don't think I have to change anything ..... adjust maybe, sometimes but not change. 

I have found comfort in music too. Country, rock, whatever... I turn on Pandora and just pick whatever I am in the mood for. Sometimes.... I listen and cry and sometimes I dance like no one is watching.  I get in the car sometimes and some catchy song will come on and I just sing my lungs out. I love those uplifting, get you out of your seat kind of songs that just make you want to smile and be happy. When you get down and out about whatever you have going on in life... music can truly sooth the soul . I believe that!

No chemo tomorrow I think it will be to hard to do chemo this week and the Y-90..... so I am going in for blood work tomorrow and hopefully my counts will be up from what they were last week. I am feeling good tho. It's weird the lower my white cell count is the more energy I have another friend that does chemo with me said the same thing last week. Bodies are weird. 

I am happy with how I am looking these days. My hair is coming back but I am still wearing a wig. A friend saw the new wig picture I posted and asked if I went and had my hair done. She thought it was my real hair, which is a good thing but it's not. I just laughed because I thought if I had this great hair I would never wear a wig another day in my life. I keep thinking about all the people that can't afford to change wigs as much as I do. I don't wash them I just buy a new one. I need to be giving away some of the older ones I have ... If anyone is interested in them. I will be more than happy to mail them to you. Just a thought. 

Sunday is Easter, I was telling my little grandson's father last night at his ballgame that I got engaged on Easter in 2003. He had my engagement ring hidden in an Easter egg. It was sweet and cute. He was a good guy and he's happily married to someone else now. But I am always reminded of the engagement ring in the Easter egg this time of year. Another old boyfriend always teased me about that and said he was going to do the same thing one day, he never did. Good thing since we also broke up. Life is funny how certain times of the year or situations make us think of milestones in our life long since gone but not forgotten.

 I have every thing all ready for Easter my brother and I went to lunch today and I had him stop by Hobby Lobby on the way back to the office, poor thing, he called and got his vehicle and was sitting out in front of the store waiting on me after me taking so long, he has waited on me more in the last 14 months... than he ever did before. When we did mortgages he opened my own office to get me out of his hair and now he doesn't leave my side. He is the best brother in the world. I know his heartache as been more than he would have ever let me see or know over these last 14 months but we had a long talk last week and I told him we have done all we can do. We have gone near and far, high and low, up and down, and all around to cure me and there is no stone that we have left unturn and we can not live  the rest of our lives worried about what could happen. It will happen no matter what we want,my fate is truly in God's hands and I am at peace with it all. I want to live and I do believe I am a miracle but the fear of what could be can drive a person insane... We have to live and we have to live to be happy and worrying about things we can not control will not do that for either one of us. 

I have another friend that has cancer I am good friends with his brother and the brother has told me more than once that his brother was at peace with things. I could not understand how in the world he could be at peace. I thought I could never be at peace with my disease and it's just another thing I was wrong about. Life is what it's going to be.. I do not control the future. I can do my best as I have and will continue to do so but I have to find the peace that lies within us all at some point or another in our lives where we just let go of the control and just live. I want to live. I am happier. I cry don't get me wrong but I don't have the questions in my mind like I did, because I won't allow it. I want to spend whatever time I have left on this earth inspiring others, being happy and spending time with the people I love, I have truly seen and felt what love is about over these last 14 months. I have been consoled  by some amazing people. People that have given of their hearts to me and my family and not expected anything in return and I am so grateful for them all. It's really hard to find true and good friends when you need them. You don't have to find them... They find you and boy have I been fortunate to have had them come to be with me without reservation or fail when I have needed them. I am a giver and at first it really took a lot for me to accept what I have been given without trying to offer something in return.  I have learned to accept and say Thank you .. because I know that they would not be doing the things they have for me if they didn't want to do it. 

It's kind of funny. My little Evan was playing on the playground over last weekend at my nephews ballgame and we told her not to wear her boots because she would want to play, she didn't listen (she can be a little hard headed like her mama) anyways, she wore them and got hurt. Chris thought that she tore her ACL. We brought her home and she cried in pain and cried in pain so  we took her to Newton  Medical Center, by the time the PA came into see her, she was up walking, 2 hours after the injury she was fine, but we were already there so we waited and just had her checked out anyways. Her dad, step mom, and little sister all came too. It was a family reunion.  They said they were glad to see me, he had not seen me even picking up Evan every other weekend because I was always home in my pj's with my wig off and I refused to let him see me.They said they had asked Evan how I was and she said ... I was in the bed a lot.  He said they had assumed the worse but it was so reassuring and refreshing to see me looking and feeling so good I just I just had not thought about it. I know I put my selfie's on facebook a lot only because I want people to see I am looking and feeling good. It's been an important part of this process as I so publicly share my journey through this horrible disease. 

No word from Obama yet on my letter, I may not hear a word but hoping that it reaches him and tugs at his heart strings enough to want to do something to not only help me but others in my same situation. When I did the Y-90 and had such great success with it I was determined to make sure every oncologist gives every patient in my position the opportunity to do the treatment but looking deeper into this the first step is making sure that these insurance companies will pay for it first. It's the steps the process of helping others that seem to be changing in my desire and hopes in making a difference.Even if these people are getting the information for the Y-90 they may not be able to have it because it will not be approved by their insurance carriers. That is why I started my petition to make my insurance carriers accountable and to help change the path for not only myself but for other people as well. I hope that through my journey I can make a difference. I am no  Florence Nightingale,I am just me... Christy Hicks a woman that has a  desire to do something bigger and better for the success of not only myself but for others along my own road I am traveling . 

I'm excited about the future.  I am hoping the Y-90 does it's job and does it as perfectly as it has the past two times. I hope that I go to Mexico and have the greatest time and enjoy the memories I get to make with some very good and special friends. I hope that my petition continues to grow and spread  my message that medical necessity should be determined between the doctor and patient.  I did not realize that I could read message from people that signed the petition, there was one that meant the world to me ... Everyone deserves their mother. I took that one to heart and hope you will too because it is true. You can sign my petition on the right side of the blog on a desktop version, and you can also chose to share it on FB the more this gets out into the world the better off I and everyone else traveling now or in the future with this disease will have their own chance at getting this treatment to save their lives. When you do something not only for yourself but for others along the way how could it not be a great thing?

Don't cry for me ... Pray for me....  Life is so great and I plan to live mine to the fullest as should you. 

Blog 64... Praying for Remission..Elf on the Shelf and The Tooth Fairy....

Another oncology appointment today....just had my  blood work done  and I met with the PA. Everything with my blood was excellent she said. My white cell count is normal. She ordered another cancer marker today, so hopefully Monday I will get the results back.  I anticipate a large drop in the number since we have gotten all the tumors that were left. I guess I can't expect them to be normal.... but with my disease and success nothing is impossible! I have learned to expect the unexpected. 

Things are good with me. I am up and out and about. I get a little tired and I can't do all the things that I use to do, but that isn't long term. I am healing and in healing you have to take things as they come. To be honest... I am just so glad that I can get up and be out doing most of the things I want to be doing. 

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I have spent the day thinking about how special this Thanksgiving really  is .. How 10 months ago I wasn't sure that I would make it to this point. How doctor after doctor told me I would be dead within 12 months. I think about the path that I have traveled through this disease:

Being told at the ER  I had Stage 4 liver cancer 2/6/2014...Worst day of my life! 

Meeting with the first oncologist that referred me to the hospital for a biopsy

Biopsy one and two being told they were  benign 

Getting the call back that I had cancer and it was bad

First Pet Scan stating I had cancer in my liver, bones, and lung

Going to Emory for a second opinion and being told to take chemo and expect 12 months

Going to Piedmont and being optimistic but not reassuring about my disease and being told not to do the Y90 that it is the last resort

Flying out to MD Anderson and bone scan confirmed I did not have bone cancer and said I could live a while with chemo

Flying to AZ for a alternative medicine opinion on treatment 

Coming home to Atlanta and doing 6 weeks of alternative medicine 

Follow up with Oncologist (at the time) ordered CT Scan 

Oncologist reviewing scan and telling me I am now much more progressed in the disease and telling me I was in denial of the disease.

Taking the scan to Dr. Chamsuddin to review and discuss Y90 option once again 

First testing to see if I was a candidate for the Y90... I was and only on the right side.

One Y90 treatment 

Second Y90 Treatment 

One, two, three, four procedures to burn the tumors on the right side 

Pet scan shows 98% of the cancer in my liver is gone

Chemoemoblization of the tumor near my heart on my liver

Procedure to burn the tumor on my lung 

CT Scans, sonograms, and X-rays in between all of this to guide the success of my recovery 

This all has been in 10 months. 10 months that have been the longest 10 months of my life. But the most valuable 10 months I could have ever asked for....

I was so confused when I was trying to make the right decision. I had reservations doing the Y90 at the hospital... because they told me I didn't have cancer not just once but twice. I trusted Chamsuddin but I was not sure about the pathology department there and I felt that maybe that was not the place I was suppose to be. I ran from what I knew was my only hope and I felt that was justified. I kept calling Dr. Chamsuddin and following up with him about where I was on my path. He didn't always answer the phone when I called but he always called me back. He never pushed me into making the decision to do the Y90, I don't know why he didn't tell me what an idiot I was.... but he let me come back to him and he allowed me to make the decision to save my life, and I am so glad I did. 

We sometimes have to see things for ourselves. We have to go and search for what we hope is a better alternative and then when we are ready to make the decision to do what we should have done long before ....then you realize how foolish you've been. 


I was telling my brother today, I pray to God it's all gone and there is nothing left for us to treat now. I have my Pet Scan set for 12.11.2014 at Emory. I will be taking the disc to Newton Hospital and hoping that Dr. Chamsuddin will read it again while he is off and we can celebrate a remission. That is all I want for Christmas, but if we aren't finished with this round....  I am ready to start kicking ass again.

I'm excited tonight our elf of the shelf "Elfie" comes back and also may daughter has lost her second tooth, so I anticipate a visit from the tooth fairy. It's going to be a very exciting Thanksgiving morning to wake up to at my house.  Elfie left her this letter....



I hope each and every one of you has an amazing Thanksgiving. 

Blog 48... 46th Birthday...Pet Scan results

I have delayed publishing this post. I wrote most of it on my birthday and every time I tried to finish and publish something would come up... So here you go....


The great thing about my birthday is..... I am here. I am fighting for my life but I am alive... and here to enjoy all the phone calls, text messages, emails, and visits from some of the most amazing people a girl could ever ask for.  I have lived a good life so far and have I have many more years to enjoy my life. I have been on the hard roads,and I have enjoyed the luxury days of life that only most people could ever dream about. I have been at the top, at the bottom, and ended up somewhere around the middle. I have dedicated my life to my kids and my jobs. I have always been one you would consider an overachiever and I am hoping that through all of those trials and tribulations I have learned to overcome cancer and kick it's ass. 

Life hasn't been easy. I don't sleep much for long periods of time. My right side of my liver hurts a lot. My life has been changed and turned completely upside down, but I have the resilience to overcome whatever this crazy life of mine has in store for me. I just want to live. I just want to be here for my little girl and grandson. I want them to know without a shadow of a doubt how much I truly love them in my heart and soul. There are not the words to express the thoughts I have sometimes that I might not be here always. None of us are going to be here always. I will not live forever, nor will any of you reading this blog. I just know that I have to be grateful for the day that I have and to be happy with what I have in this moment. 

I wish I could pretend that there is nothing wrong with me, especially on my birthday but to be honest my birthday reminds me so much of why I am fighting in the first place. When my little daughter can not wait to get up out of bed and show me the card, cake, and balloon that she got me. She was so excited she was telling me about the secret last night even before they went to the store and asked me not to say anything. I didn't but I laughed. I know the drill and each year so does she but the excitement of giving me those things never gets old to her. I hope years from now... she will still be doing the same thing and knowing that I am here to appreciate her love and effort. 

I had my Pet Scan at Emory yesterday, it wasn't fun. I have had 2 before and never had to drink that chalk stuff like I did yesterday, but it's now done and over with and I survived what I thought I might not.  I hope to get the test results tomorrow. I always anxiously await the results and having to wait a few days it's that fun. I usually have the test done the day Dr. Chamsuddin is in the hospital so that he can review them with us, but he asked me to do it this week and therefore... the time was scheduled by the oncologist office earlier than I wanted it to be .... So instead of  Dr. Chamsuddin giving us the results, I will get them at the oncologist office tomorrow.I actually called a second ago and they don't have them yet, I am still very inpatient... 

Today, I just want to celebrate being me. Celebrate being a mother, sister, friend, and cancer survivor. Every day I live I am surviving this disease. I just have my heart set on beating this cancer, along with everyone else that prays for me. I want the world to know "I want to live" I want a chance at being a better person than I was before I became sick. I want the world to know that just because one doctor gives you NO Hope...There is hope... that there is always a chance. I want the world to know that Liver Cancer isn't a death sentence. That as long as you keep the hope, faith,your  spirit, and attitude of overcoming... that you can beat anything you face in life. The inspiration is half the battle. 

So today, I celebrate my birthday. I celebrate knowing that I am truly blessed to be here and to live another day. I fear not cancer, because I can and will be the one that kicks it's ass.... 

I could cry sometimes. There are times when I just want to have a complete melt down. Where I just lay there and feel sorry for myself. But, you know what? I can't I am not the only person I know facing this horrible disease and so I get up every day and I fight for not only my life but for all the lives of the people I know facing the same things as I am. We share our journey's (most in private, they way they like it) we laugh and we encourage one another in ways that no one else can really relate or understand unless you share the same fears and uncertainty we all face. I know that it keeps me going. The things that I share in private touch me deep in my heart and soul in ways that most people will never understand. 

I have learned a lot about myself and about life. But for the most important part of it all is I have felt loved and I can not explain how truly remarkable feeling so loved by so many means to me. 


I have not had a chance to post this blog and it's a good thing.... 

UPDATE ON MY  PET SCAN:

On Tuesday... I dropped off the disc at Newton Hospital and asked Dr. Chamsuddin's assistant if she would upload the disc and that I would let him know it was there.  I sent him a text message and said it was there and it would be great if he read it and gave me an amazing birthday present, as it was on my actual birthday when I took it there .  I never heard back from him on Tuesday. I was disappointed to say the least.  

Wednesday morning on my way to chemo I called him, I thought maybe he didn't get my text, but I got no answer, I thought BUMMER.  When I got to my oncologist office and had gotten hooked up to treatment I had a phone call, I missed the call, and then the caller called back again... It was him. I was so happy to hear his voice. The first thing out of his mouth was "How's your weight?" I thought ugh. I had gained up to 134 last week and just got weighed and was back down to 130.  I was honest he didn't say anything. I know he wants me to be at 140 and honest to God I am trying my best!  I told him I did the pet scan and that I had taken it to the hospital for him .. He had not gotten my message so I was so glad that I called. He said he would review that night and get back with me later!  Not 30 minutes later he called and asked me ... "Do you want the good news or the good news?" He said it was time for me to do the happy dance that all that cancer that was so bad in the right side is gone.  He said there is a little something that he wanted to me with me and my brother on Monday when he went back to work and we could talk we may do nothing with it or maybe a little something. He was so excited that he said he was going to get himself a cold beer and celebrate. He made my day. I made his and the scan was so positive. He had saved my life and the accomplishment of us together has been nothing short of a miracle. I am so happy. I am not a statistic of a disease that generally takes the lives of people that get this disease. It has a lot to do with the radical treatments that are FDA approved and for me and my doctor to be willing to work together and just for me to go with what he said and to be at this point is something that is a true miracle. He is such an amazing doctor and friend to me. 

God is good. I know that there have been so many prayers going up for me. I can't say that one person has made this happen I think and know truly in my heart it's a combination of all of us fighting for my life and believing that I can over come something that most can not. I actually have another friend that works in a doctors office that has a patient recently told she has liver cancer and she is open to meeting with my doctor and seeing what he can do to help her. I know my life mission is to help others. To make sure that every person I can come into contact with that has this horrible disease that they have the opportunity to make their own decisions to beat this cancer. 

For the doctor at Piedmont that told me I was in denial of my disease. He is going to get a letter from me and hopefully a letter I am going to ask Dr. Chamsuddin to write to show him that he was wrong... it's sometimes not a matter if someone admits their mistakes... it's sometimes just important enough to show them their mistakes that they may just make a different choice next time.  That to me is all that matters. And should be all that matters to the next person he may give the option to save their own lives too. Y-90 is not the last option for me it was the first and the most effective way to get rid of this disease in my body and for the 7 people that told me not to do it..... I am glad the 1 person was there to treat me and to care about saving a life, that he knew meant something like every single life does. I am a fighter and to be a fighter sometimes is just closing your eyes, believing in something you can't see, and to just go with what you believe will work and Thank God I did! It's been a great two days in my life. I am over the moon! 

Thank you all for reading and sharing my story as always. Don't cry for me Pray for me! 

Blog #40 AMAZING THINGS HAPPENING.....

I am going to do my best to get through this blog without crying my eyes out.  When I began this journey through cancer on 2/6/2014.... I had no idea what this meant in my life. My picture today is of me and my sweet, Evan Raine and what we think about cancer! 

 I had no idea if I would even be alive in 6 months. The cancer was consuming my liver and all I heard out of the mouth's of every single doctor I met with... "It's really bad" Those words ring in your mind and heart. They were repeated through memory many times. The times I was most afraid. The times I was all alone. The times I didn't even feel good enough to lift up my head.  Those words stung like a million bee's many times over the last 5 months of my life. 

I had a hard time looking into my little girls' eyes and telling her I was getting better every day, because honestly, I wasn't sure that I even believed it. I knew I was fighting with every thing I had in side me.. to beat this cancer but ,I knew deep in my heart how bad it really was. The one thing that had always given me hope was that my liver has been functioning at 100%. The cancer had not caused any damage to my liver at all.

 I worried that the radiation (Y-90) treatment would hurt my liver (which it has not). I had several oncologist around the country telling me that they would not do the Y-90 treatment. That it should be a LAST resort. It could cause damage to the liver and they would not do it. If I would have listened to them I would not today be 90% tumor free on the right side of my liver. I wonder what those doctors would say now?????  They could have made me make another choice in my treatment and be on chemo as they said for the rest of my life and make me feel bad.... and kept me from having a normal life again. They had the opportunity and they gave me the advice not to do the treatment. Thank God we didn't listen. I had found out about the Y-90 in the beginning of the disease and I decided to search my options. That is part of being afraid of making the wrong choice, and part of getting wrong information from doctors that seem to care more about me getting my chemo treatments from them instead of doing this procedure and being 90% tumor free.  I have learned that as long as the person that is in charge of your care, truly cares about you as a patient and a person, that is the person you should trust. I wanted to give my Dr. Abbas Chamsuddin a big hug yesterday and instead I shook his hand. I love him. He has done amazing things that no one else cared a thing about doing for me and that's saving my life and giving me the chance to be cancer free. I love him and I would recommend him to anyone.  I am sure I get on his nerves at times and I am very inquisitive about every thing but I like to be in the know... as to what is going on with me.  The traditional medicine route is not always the traditional medicine route. I trusted my whole heart into someone that I hoped had a way of killing these tumors inside my liver. Not once and still not now has he gave me a promise of anything. I just can see when we communicate the concern not only for me but for my family in helping to rid my body of this disease. Nothing is guaranteed but I know if anyone had a chance of making this happen for me,  it was him. I would hope that through my journey someone else facing the same life altering things that I am would consider reaching out to Dr. Chamsuddin too, he will not steer you wrong and he will care about your recovery as much as he has cared about mine. The man has a heart of gold when it comes to his patients and that is something no medical degree can give anyone. A doctor with a heart and compassion is the best doctor to have. 

Yesterday, was my mama's birthday.She gave me the greatest gift. I know she is fighting for my life in heaven as much as I am fighting for my life here....  I had the pet scan the day before because if the news was bad I didn't want it on her birthday. I got pretty good news from Dr. Chamsuddin the day before saying it got 60% of the tumors but I could see the sense of unhappiness that it had not gotten it all. Most doctors, like us would have been happy with 60% but not him. I went back yesterday with the old pet scan and the new one and he realized it had gotten more than he thought, 90%.. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream with excitement, except I am one of those that the news has to sink in. I have to think about it, I have to analyze it all in my mind. I slept good last night and woke this morning feeling like I have been given a second chance at life and how simply amazing that feels. 

Throughout this journey I have been nothing with honest. I have had more fear in the last 5 months than I ever knew I could feel. I have cried more tears than I ever knew could be inside my body. I have worried and been to the brink of not sure if I would ever get up and out into the world again, and here I am today. 90% of the cancer on the right side is gone and now I go and have another procedure on July 8th, to burn the ones on the left side off of my liver. I am going in this procedure stronger than I did the last time. I am hopeful that by the end of the summer I can be cancer free. I can stop the chemo and I can live a normal life again. I will certainly be closely monitored and today I have more hope for a long life than I have in a very long time.  GO TEAM CHRISTY! 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me and know that I am a VERY lucky person to have all and to be all that I am!