Blog #70.. 2015 = Remission....

As we approach the new year, 2015....I sit here grateful for all that I have been through... that has gotten me to where I am now, Alive. 

2015 = Remission

It's been a tough year, I would say the the worse year of my life ....But, how can I say it's been that bad when I not only found out I was sick, but I am almost in remission of a disease that could have taken my life? Maybe... it's the best year of my life. Not the way I wanted to spend 2014... but look at all the things I have learned... all these tough lessons, and all these victories I have had after each and every procedure. It would be easy to look at this year as a horrible year if I wasn't so grateful it turned out so marvelous in the end. Our greatest blessings sometimes come from the hardest things we could ever experience in life. The day I was told I had cancer, I thought I was close to death. I was close to death and yet I chose to fight! I chose to fight for my life and to see where it took me ... I was given no promises, I was told "It's your only HOPE" In that moment I knew what I had to do. I had no idea what or  where that journey was to take me . I just knew that I was given HOPE and that is more than I had heard from any other person. I knew that "Going for a cure" was a whole lot better than just accepting what I was told my future would be, and that was death. No thank you! 

 I feel better than I have felt in years. It's amazing what no procedures and no chemo can do for the body in two weeks. It's funny  an old friend sent me a message yesterday on FB  and asked "when are you going to be well, I am taking you on a date?" It made my day.... on so many levels. As I have traveled this disease I felt as if I was losing myself. I was this skinny woman that really no longer felt like a woman. More like a cancer patient that lost her hair and lost so much weight that I no longer had a figure, I had become that stick person you start out drawing as a child. I was reminded of this by several people to, and it hurt. I didn't mean to be that person! I didn't want to be that person and yet, I was and it felt like there was not a damn thing I could do about it.

 Now, I am feeling like a million bucks. I can tell how good I am looking by the reaction of men, that may sound stupid to some of you but men noticing you isn't all that important until no one even thinks about taking a second look at you because you look so bad.  I feel honored and happy to have men notice me again and it just means in my mind how much better I am and how good I am looking again. 

It's not just the cancer in your body you face in this disease, it's so many other things. It's almost as hurtful mentally as it has been physically.  And that is the truth. The mental aspect of the cancer  could easily consume you if you allow it! I see people that the disease seems to take over their whole life.... I knew from the beginning I would not allow that to happen not just for myself but for my family. I was alive even at times when I wasn't sure I was going to make it through ... The pain was so painful, the chemo treatments kicking my ass, and the procedures one after another after another and after another. There were times that I just didn't know that I could keep going, begging my brother to not make me do this or that procedure at that time, he pushed me along, he made me find the strength within to keep going. Poor guy, the pressure he had of helping me to get well and get through it all was something no brother, or anyone else for that matter should ever have to do. I needed him more than I have needed him all the days of my life and without a shadow of a doubt he was there. I am sure there were days and nights he didn't want to be but he was there. How do you ever repay someone for helping to save your life?

I haven't gone through this alone. I have been surrounded by some very loving, caring, and supportive friends. Friends that I have called day and night in tears begging them to tell me I was going to make it through this. Asking them to make a promise to me that they couldn't fulfill as it was all me, Dr. Chamsuddin, and God that got me through to the next procedure. How amazing.. to have 2 people there doing all there was to do to save my life? I am a lucky woman.  

I had more fear than I ever told another living soul. I would lay in my bed every single night before the next procedure scheduled for the next morning, and I would cry my eyes out every single time. I know my pillow has seen more tears than I care admit. It was my way of getting myself through to the next step. My way of making it work and doing what I had to do to get me where I am today. I hate crying but it always made me feel better in the long run and kept me from crying when I was taken into a room where I knew that I was going to be put to sleep and who knows what could happen. I remember the last procedure, Dr. Chamsuddin said that I might end  up with a tube in my side, that didn't scare me as bad, as he said that if that happened I would be in ICU, I remember looking into my brothers eyes with huge tears in my eyes and looking into his eyes and seeing the pain I knew in that moment that he felt for me.... That's truly... love! I am loved, I don't think I have ever felt as loved as I have through all of this. I know what love is ... Why did it take 46 years for me to feel this? It's the way life goes these terrible things that happens that turns every thing you think you know completely around!  

I wish I could be this person that could spread nothing but hope and encouragement into the world, as my full time job..... That I could just be an advocate for this cancer, that I could spread the word of hope with my story and help to guide other people in getting themselves into remission of a disease that takes most of the lives that it touches. I would recommend every thing that I have done. I would say it's not as bad in the long run as it feels in the midst of the storm. It's not easy... but it's well worth every second of pain and insecurity... to be where I am with 1% of my cancer left! 

When I look back on this it seems like a blur, seems to have been a lifetime ago when I started but actually it's been almost 11 months. 11 months of your life is a lot longer than it seems sometimes, and then in actuality it's barely any time at all really when you think about it! 11 months and I pray within the 12th month I am done. I am free of chemo and procedures and worrying day and night. I pray that I can go through this and get to that 5 year mark they say "Cancer Free" I will be one of those people that will never been cancer free because in my mind it has changed me in ways that only this cancer could have taken me to the places in my heart and soul to change me forever. 

I find... I laugh so much more these days. I find the joy of the simple things. Yesterday, I went to the movies with a couple of  friends and one of my  friend's made the lady beside her mad because she pulled out her cell phone during the movie and the woman started screaming at my friend "You are breaking the law, you are breaking the law" interrupting the entire theater, I laughed and told my friend "It's not against the law" the ladies husband screamed at me "Shut up" I told him to "shut up". The lady went to get the manager, and she apparently acted so hateful and rude that her and her husband were asked to leave.  I told my friend we were more drama than the movie and we should have gone around and gotten paid for the entertainment. LOL .... As stupid as this sounds and maybe my friend was wrong pulling out her phone it was entertainment and I laughed all night about how silly and stupid that incident was, it felt good to laugh... it felt good to feel good enough to get out and enjoy a movie even if we created some drama! The lady and my friend were arguing to the manager (I didn't hear it because I stayed in my seat) the lady told my friend she didn't give a damn about her and what her needs might have been. I couldn't help but laugh. The lady was bitter and angry ... Some things just aren't worth it. You don't want other people to interrupt you in a movie, wait for it to come out on DVD .... or Redbox next time. People are always shaking the popcorn bag or rattling candy wrappers ... People are always making noise! Another funny story, my sleeping habits have changed lately and I am up at 3 or 4 in the morning these days, a lot of times I go to Waffle House for breakfast, and I am getting to know the earlier crew working there. The cook said "Can I ask you a personal question?" I said "of course" He asked "You said you lost your hair so you are wearing a wig right?" I replied "You are right, it's a wig" He replied "Does the headband hold the wig on for you?" I laughed so hard I replied "No, I just like them" Goes to show the things that people really don't know about what they don't know about. I thought it was cute! 

I hope that the new year brings each and every one of you as much joy as I plan 2015 to bring into my life. 

Don't cry for me...Pray for me because I am almost free of this disease... and for that I am the most blessed woman I know! 

  

Blog#69 New Year Resolutions

I skipped chemo this week!  I was scheduled for it on Christmas Eve. I did go and have my  blood work done, as that is a weekly event regardless of chemo. I  had to sit back in the infusion area until a nurse came by and talked with me about my results. As I sat there I looked and every single chair was full, I teased one of my friends there that I couldn't do it, because I had no place to sit and get my treatments. She said I should tell the doctor that, and I would have if I had seen him.

 I felt guilty looking at all the people sitting there getting their treatments and being the Christmas Eve heroes, that I just didn't want to be. Stupid how something like other people doing what you are suppose to be doing can make you feel guilty! I know I should not feel guilty about anything, I have done my fair share of those treatments almost 7 months now. 7 months of chemo. Yuck! It's doing what it's suppose to be doing and that is making sure this cancer doesn't spread... for that I am lucky and plan to spend my New Year's Eve doing it myself. Not that I want to but I have to .... 

Another Christmas has come and gone. The anticipation of Christmas morning and the hard work it takes to make the magic happen.. comes in and out  the same day... and then  it's over ... I spend 30 days getting ready for 1 day. Sad but true. I am ready to get my house back in order. Take some toys to Goodwill for the ole...out with the old and in with the new. Evan has so many toys, I could get rid of half of them and I don't even think she would notice. Since she is at her dad's for the weekend, I just might do that. Shhh.. Don't tell her. Loving the shirt below my sweet friend Linda had made for me... I wrote that on a comment and said I should have a shirt that says that, and now I do.. Thoughtful! I love it.....

I'm feeling good. My blood work was a little alarming last week (due to the chemo) but all my numbers are back up and as the nurse put it... It looks beautiful. It's strange to live by my blood work and to see it low and knowing that the poison I am required to put in my body is getting rid of bad cells and yet it's also killing the good cells too. There should be a way to kill only the bad cells and not the good one's but I don't know that will ever happen in my life time! I believe someone is going to find a simple pill one day that will cure every form of cancer and not so many people will lose their lives to this horrible disease. The key is finding a vaccine that they can keep anyone from ever getting the disease in the first place. I need to be a scientist now. To late for me but not to late for someone in the world. I often wonder how many billions and billions of dollars has been spent on finding the unknown cure already? What if the answer is so simple that it's become to complicated for someone to figure out the cure... That could happen. It's often right before our very eyes to answer whatever questions we might have. Sometimes... we over think something so much that we can't ever find the solution. 

I am ready for the new year. 2014 has been the year from and of  hell. The year of fighting and putting life on hold to beat this monster. I am ready to live again. I am ready to get back into the office full time. I am ready to be me again, the new and improved me, but me non the less. I have decided to start back at the gym at the beginning of the year. I think exercise will be good for me, not over doing it but enough to tone up my body and get me feeling healthier. I have not felt like going to the gym over the last several years, especially the last 11 months but now that I am feeling better, I have more energy, and I feel the need to help make the best me, that I can make. I owe that to myself, every one owes it to themselves to be healthy. I see a lot of very overweight people in the world and they are doing their bodies an injustice. Being overweight causes a lot of complications in life, maybe not in the moment but most certainly in the future.There are some people that just refuse to do anything and there are others that are just afraid and don't know where to start to get better, you start at the beginning, you take it one day at a time and do the best you can, you are doing it for not only yourself but for the ones that love you too. 

I've been thinking of my new year resolutions.. What I want for my life, for the rest of my life. It's simple I want to be in remission, I've been working on that goal for a while and hate that I carry it on into the new year, but hey, from 80% to 1% of the cancer in my liver I can't complain about a thing. I want my year to be more about happiness that about cancer. I want to get through these last few chemo treatments & the last procedure and start my year off the best I can..... So here's what I have come up with:

1. Get back into the gym slowly 

2. Come back to work full time

3. Spend more quality time with Evan & Landon and take them on a special trip

4. Let go of the past and see more of my future

5. Write and publish the book Evan and I are working on together

6. Remission

7. Stop chemo

8. Cook more at home

9. Show the world the new and improved person I have become

10.Help others facing the same things I have faced in and with this disease.

A lot of people would rather linger in the background and not get noticed. That's fine but everyone's lives has a story to tell and some people are more vocal than others. I remember at the beginning when I started this blog my brother asked me not to write it. I think he thought it would hurt me, he didn't want anyone having the ability to hurt my feelings with me being so raw and open with this whole thing. I know him nor my sister have ever read a single one that I have written, they live the disease with me day in and day out. One day my sweet Evan will have the chance to understand what all her mama has gone through. One day when I am old and grey I may just print them all out and hand them over to her. I believe she is going to love to write like I do. She is creative because I have always taught her how to be, even with our made up bedtime stories of whatever, she enjoys the make believe of it all. She get's it and I love that. That's why I want us to write the book together. I want to show the world in her words and in her drawings how a 6 year old sees cancer.  It's something we are doing together. Something that will forever be as precious to me many years to come, as the day we finish the book! 

I hope the changes in the new year will bring a lot more smiles than tears. I have cried a river in 2014 and I just don't believe I have any more tears to cry. Life is hard sometimes but it's also very rewarding! We all most go through the tough times in life sometimes to get to the blessing we never expected! I am good with that. 

I pray for all the people I know facing cancer in their lives. I pray that they find the same answers to their disease as I have! I hope each and every one of them knows they're the heroes I see every day as I follow their journey's! I think to myself sometimes if so and so can keep doing this so can I ... I do find inspiration in other people as I hope that find in me. Nothing is easy but it's a lot easier facing your troubles with people cheering you on all the way to the finish line. I am almost there. I am so close and I know that without a shadow of a doubt I will be free from this monster and I will be a whole lot better person from the experience. Thank you all for reading and following along this winding road of recovery with me. I could not make it without the all the love and support I am shown... 

  

Blog #68.... Christmas, Santa, & 99% cancer free....

My Christmas video  for you all......

It's Christmas Eve and I sit here alone in the comfort of my office at 5:30 in the morning thinking of all the things I have to be grateful for this year. It's been a tough year, not only physically but emotionally! I have feared for my life from a disease that generally  takes most of the lives of people at the stage of the disease I had, when it was found. And because of the skill of a good doctor... I am almost completely free of cancer. It's amazing...no doubt about it. 

 Seems like yesterday and yet I am almost 11 months into this battle. A battle that I had lost who I was... in fear of ...not being able to be who I am, at times. I have cried more tears through these months than I probably have all the rest of the years of my life added up together. The thought of me dying was the hardest thing I have ever had to face. My life seemed to just flash before my eyes all of the time. I could not stop thinking about how things would go for my girls without me here, it hurt so bad. It hurt more than I could ever describe and now I sit here and I am 99% free of this cancer. I believe there are a lot of factors in me being alive. I think that all the prayers and all the love I have been shown is a HUGE factor in my recovery. 

When I started the Y90 process, the end of May, I was so scared. I had to make the decision to go for it, regardless of the outcome I had to left go of my fears and just go for the one chance I had at getting rid of the monster living inside of me.  BEST decision I ever made.

 I wish I would have just listened and done it from the get go. I had to waste money and time traveling the country for several months before I could make that decision to do the procedure. It was a tough one, the one thing that made me feel better is Dr. Chamsuddin. I was telling someone yesterday even from the very first liver biopsy and I was so afraid, my doctor sang  to me while he did it. I felt like in that moment I was in the right place with the right person overseeing my care. I just didn't want to do anything before I had tried everything. I did alternative medicine and unfortunately it raised my cancer marker and I knew that was my last chance effort at alternative medicine. I knew that I had to go for the Y-90......

Throughout this disease I knew the cancer was bad. I knew before treatments  that I was on a time limit.  My will to live was so strong that I honestly would have done almost anything to save my life. I deserve to live and that's how I felt and what I kept telling myself. Throughout each procedure it's been so hard my body. I would lay in bed in pain and asking myself would I ever feel better again? I did and I do. I am happy. My mother use to ask me all the time "Christy, what's going to make you happy?" If I could tell her now I would say going through this and coming out of this fight and being able to have my life again, That's my happiness.... I miss my mama, but I don't know that she could have survived every thing I have been through it just might have killed her seeing her baby enduring all this pain. I have gone to the cemetery many times and just sat and talked to her. I found some of her loving comfort there and it was good! 

I have joined a group on facebook that the people are either a patient or a family member of a patient with this same cancer that I have. It's comforting to talk with people that have gone or are going through the things that I am going through. I find comfort there ... I share my story and hope that maybe they  too will consider doing the same things I have ... Most have just had chemo and no other treatments and some have. I guess it's a place I can go and share and be totally understood. I love that... I have thought about going to support groups but why go... I can do it all online. 


Each of us take chances with our lives every time we leave our homes. I was thinking yesterday how I use get impatient when I  drove and I would take chances all the time. I don't take those close call chances anymore, because I have not been through all that I have been through just to die in a car wreck or something. I use to be the driver that passes everyone and had road rage when people were in my way, not anymore. Not Worth It!!!

It's Christmas and I'm here. I am alive and well and on my way to a full recovery with one more procedure (i hope that's all) this monster isn't giving up, I think about all that we have done to rid my body of it  and I wonder how this 1% that is left in my liver can continue to keep fighting for it's own right to stay inside me???To bad cancer, your time limit is up and my time limit has began to start multiplying! This next time we are taking this monster out. It's not going to have anymore chances to get me.......And that's a fact! 

As I understand it there is a new patient about to endure my same cancer travels and I wish them the best of luck and If I could say one thing to them it would be "You are at the right place because the right doctor is there to treat you" 

Tonight, I am having dinner with my oldest daughter and grandson. Poor Evan will miss out on the Japanese food, she is with her dad and will be home tonight. I miss my little girl when she is gone. It's quiet almost to quiet! But, the second she is home it's like a whirlwind blew into the house. She is full of energy and questions and just talks all day long (just like her mama). The other day, I paid for something with cash, and she asked "Don't you want to use your card, mama" I do use my  debit card for everything, and rarely do I have cash. I told her the card was like money, the money comes straight out of my account  to the people that I am buying something from and then I explained the difference between credit/debit cards and she didn't get it.. One day she will. She proceeded to ask me about how you get paid at work.  I said "You work and you get paid by the company you work for" She said "Oh they pay you, and you pay them" I am needed to be here to guide her along that was a clear example of that for me. She's 6 but I have so much to teach her, I have let her grow up more so I can really tell her the important things. I want/have to be the one helping her throughout her life I want to be there to see her walk down the isle even though she says she is never getting married and she is not having any children. I asked "No kids, you will want kids one day" She looked me straight in the eyes and said "No, I do not want kids they are just to much work" LOL LOL LOL is all I could do .....

The simple conversation's  I have with my child are even more precious to me now. She is my heart she loves me so very much, she calls at least twice at day from her dad's house asking  "how many more day until I come home, mama?"It makes me smile I know what is she is going to say every time I see her dad's number come up. 

This morning is Christmas Day at her dad's house. They do it on Christmas Eve so the poor guy can have all 5 of his children together. It's good because I want her home Christmas morning. I can't imagine waking up Christmas morning without her. Christmas morning  through the eyes of a child is priceless. I enjoy seeing the excitement .. I love the getting up early and racing to see what Santa left for her. Santa also leaves Landon presents at Grandma's house too. This year has been a little more questions about Christmas as she asked why Santa never wraps her presents, they are all just sitting out for her to see Christmas morning. I told her that is how Santa has always left my presents and does the same for her.I can't imagine wrapping them when I grew up with them unwrapped .. Funny how you carry on traditions ... 

Well this year... I had my own Santa Claus, Dr.Chamsuddin to give me the gift I wanted most of all ... the gift of life. I hope that he finds in his own life the happiness of giving me back my life, I think he does. I tell him how much I appreciate him all the time. I write about my appreciation and I know that I have done what I need to do to show my gratefulness to him and his staff. I got a message for one of precious girls on his staff at the very beginning of finding out about the cancer and she and I became FB friends after my biopsy and in between making the decision to do the treatment she wrote me this....


Hi Christy. My name is Holly. I work at NMC in the radiology department. I was in there with your biopsy. I read your blog. I just want you to know I am praying for you. I also want to tell you Dr. Chamsuddin is the absolute best dr you will probably find. He did your bx. I've been in the medical field a long time. I have NEVER seen a doctor as good as him. Please let me know if I can do anything.
  
That's simply awesome. 

Merry Christmas and please if you have something going on in your life and you are not a peace with a friendship/relationship make peace... whatever it takes to make it... for yourself . Sometimes, walking away and letting it go is the peace you need or maybe it's you giving into the someone that you love to make things right. I have peace in my life. I really do... More than I ever have before. I am on this whole new clean slate thing for the new year. My life is to precious now to waste a second of it! 

Blog #67... And the fight goes on.....

I'm so close to being a woman in remission. I'm so close....... that I can almost taste the sweet taste of victory. I am not sure how "victory" taste... but for me, I can only imagine it to be the best tasting thing I have ever put into my mouth...

I am close but... not there yet. It's okay, I prepared myself and really every one that follows me that this might be the case. I have 4 tiny tiny tiny spots left on the liver and one a little bigger left from the chemoemoboliztion we did several weeks ago, half is gone and half is still hanging in there .. I see the face of this monster and at the moment.... I feel it's in there sticking out it's tongue and saying "I still got you" and that's fine because mid Jan... when go back in there, all of this crap is going to be gone, and we will be the one's saying "we got you" The tumor on the lung I had is gone ... That's good news.

To go from 80% of my liver covered in tumors to 1% left ... I am happy with that. We can not leave what's left we have to get it all. I am not chancing anything. As long as there is a tiny speck of cancer still lighting up then that means it's still there. I have come to cross the finish line. I am running this race of killing this cancer and I don't have to be in first place as long as I just finish the race and the cancer is gone. I am an inpatient person, I have been that way my whole life. I want things done yesterday and this isn't something I can be inpatient about  because I can not control any of it. This cancer is the one thing on this earth that I can not control I have to go along with the plan, I have to keep fighting the fight to beat this monster on the only terms I am given!  I just have to keep on putting on the gloves and fight fight fight~!

It's been a good day. A day that when I woke this morning I had no idea what news I would get. I wasn't as worried about the tumors that were already there as much as I worry about the cancer spreading somewhere else and lighting up on the Pet Scan. I hate that fear and yet... I don't know why I worry about that so much as no new tumors have appeared since I have started this journey. Nothing has spread!


It's a crazy journey ....this journey has taught me so much about myself. It has put a spin on life that I never expected. It has taken me to places in my heart and mind I never want to go again. I have had many nights that I have had to sit back and think about how things would go if I didn't make it.. What to do about my child, and what I needed to say and to who I needed to say things to...I am not in that place anymore.I am not where this cancer has a chance to kill me anymore not like it did 10 months ago. To go from the brink and edge of death to being almost in remission is absolutely amazing. I sometimes can not even wrap my mind around it at all.   My desire to live has been my inspiration. I didn't want to lose my life. I have prayed and begged God many days and nights and I hope that over the years with all the things I have done to help other people I paid it forward to save myself when I have needed it the most.

The battle isn't just about the cancer, it's about having the desire to continue living your life and not allowing it to control every aspect of your life. It's hard when "cancer" is in your life every day and I do understand getting down, I get down and upset but I am good about not allowing a big ole pity party. Who wants to feel bad mental and emotionally when you are feeling bad physically?  It's the desire to live. The desire to keep going on. As long as their is a breath inside my body I will be living life. I will never give up.

I have to say I am feeling great these days. I feel healthy and feel as if I look healthier than I have in months and months really maybe even years.  I am getting back to being me. I noticed a few men checking me out today when I was out and about, and it made me feel good. I haven't felt like a woman in a long time . I felt like this skeleton cancer patient, that was skin and bones walking around fighting for my life. Now ....I  feel sexy again, my butt  and boobs are filling in  and that makes me so happy! I haven't been me in so long and now being me again make such a difference in what I see in the mirror. You probably can't understand this unless you have been through it. It's tough. It mentally hurt me often when I would look in the mirror and see this person I didn't know anymore. This woman with no hair, and then short hair started living my life. This woman was me but not the me I hope I don't have to get to know anymore. I am just happy. It's my Christmas gift to be sexy again. I am a little vain and that's okay.... I think I have earned the right to be.

No chemo on Wednesday, it's the week of Christmas, we agreed I would  go back next week so I  can enjoy the holiday. Woo Hoo!

Happy Birthday to my sister.... Lori Hollifield today. She is my best friend. She is the one person that isn't afraid to call me out on things when she thinks I am getting off track. She will put me in my place quickly. She makes me laugh and I am blessed to have her in my life.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of you.

Blog #66.... The Wait Continue's

December 21,2014......

I made up my very own Christmas carol last night and thought I would share it on my blog:

All I want for Christmas is my Pet Scan clear
My Pet Scan Clear .....My Pet Scan clear
All I want for Christmas is my Pet Scan clear 
So I can tell all those negative oncologist to kiss my rear!!!

I am waiting on my Pet Scan results. Dr. Chamsuddin is back at the hospital tomorrow and even though I went above and beyond to try and get my results early to no avail or fault of my own it just didn't happen. I realized  when nothing went my way with getting the results right away...that I can not control other people. My whole life I have been one of those people that goes the extra mile to make things easier for people to do what I want and need them to do and sometimes it just doesn't work out the way I am hoping and expecting. 

I was at a Christmas party last night and I was sitting with several people that knew me in what feels like another lifetime. The aggressive, overbearing,  and easily angered person I once use to be. I thought that I could control the whole world. I have always been a person with a mission. I set my mind to something and there is nothing in the world going to stop me from getting what I want and need. It's not that I have become a weak person... I think I am stronger and smarter because I don't have the expectation I once had of myself and especially that I had of other people. It makes life simpler and happier not having the desire or the need to control the world I live in. Of course..... I still want things to go my way, who doesn't? I think through my life of fighting and working hard at things my whole life  that I have had the ability to fight this battle harder and stronger than I would have  if I had been born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I was raised to take care of myself. To start something and to see it all the way through. To never be a quitter and never give up on my dreams. I am not in this fight alone. I have not done the hard work to beat this monster inside me other than to have the strength to continue to get up, get out of bed, and keep the faith that I can overcome this. I hear about other people that are fighting this battle that will not get up and get out of bed, they are not allowing themselves to live the life that they have in this moment to live, and it breaks my heart. It isn't about the illness and what could be... it's about what is in this moment. What you make of life is what you will get out of it. If you sit around feeling sorry for yourself and worried that you might not have tomorrow, then you are probably right... You just might not have tomorrow. I live everyday the BEST I can. Some days are a whole lot better than others but every day regardless of how I am feeling I try my best to be grateful to be alive and happy. 

I've had a great weekend. It started Friday at my friends Ashley and Aaron's Christmas Open House. The food was amazing, the company was great, and it was a great way to start the week of Christmas off with the holiday spirit. The Salem High School chorus came and sang some amazing Christmas carol's and it made the night even more special.

I didn't get to stay long because I had a sick little girl at home waiting in my bed for me to get home to cuddle her. I could have easily and understandably had an excuse not to go to the party but I would not have missed it for the world. My friend Ashley is amazing. I actually sent out a letter to my closest friends this week and within the letter I explained how Ashley called in a favor to a doctor friend of hers, that referred me to the first Oncologist that I saw, that in turn referred me to Dr. Chamsudddin. Ashley had a hand in helping to save my life (which she wants no credit for and says it is all me and my strength to keep doing all these procedures and my desire to live that saved me) The doctor that she called the favor into was actually at her party and I made it a point to go and introduce myself and to thank him, even tho I didn't stick with the Oncologist he referred me to that getting to Dr. Chamsuddin he also had a hand in helping to save my life. I don't know if he thought I was some fruit cake but I had to express my gratitude, as he probably didn't even remember referring me to anyone. 

Yesterday, Evan (my 6 year old daughter) and I had a great day Christmas shopping. The only problem with taking her to buy for other people is I bought her more than I bought them. She is rotten but it's Christmas and she sure deserves a whole lot more than even I can afford for all she has done and been for me this year. We met up with friends and enjoyed the day of shopping and eating lunch together. Then I had some special friends that came by to bring Evan her Christmas present. They watched us wrapping presents and poor William was always having to look on the floor for all the things I was losing as I moved from place to place wrapping presents. We laughed and just enjoyed one another's company. 

After my friends left I got ready for a Christmas party I was invited to. I am the company's Insurance Agent but above that I am their friend. I got to see some great people and share in the holiday season with people that have been so supportive and encouraging to me. Before dinner was served, Mark got up to say the blessing and expressed in his prayer how thankful he was I was there and alive to enjoy in their Christmas party, I almost started to cry ... It was very heart touching moment. When I got home from the party I checked my facebook account and I had a private message from a friend that I never converse with, it said "Your strength gives me strength. Nothing but prayers and positive vibes to you and yours. Merry Christmas!!!!!" This made my day it really did!~

Yesterday.... was one of those days that I got more compliments about how amazing I look than I have heard in almost a year. I feel so good. I am gaining weight and filling back into my body. I told someone last night "I am no longer this chemo skeleton" It feels so good too. 

Tonight, is our annual Ornament White Elephant party at my sisters house. I look forward to this party every year. It's fun and it's a great time to spend just laughing, eating, and sharing a simple thing as a $5 ornament with the people I love. The kids love it just as much as the adults. Life isn't about how much money you spend on a gift or can give to someone ... It's the things that come from the heart that mean the most. I wish more people could see and understand this. 

I guess tomorrow will be the big day I get my results. I am not a bit nervous as I was before doing the test. I just know I can not control the outcome of  it and when you let go of trying to control every thing it makes it easier to accept the outcome of anything. If it's back to the  table for more work on getting this monster completely gone then off I go. If it's clear than Christmas came a few days early! 

Sharing my life through this blog gives me more hope and strength. I feel as if I am doing something for the good of myself and of others. Pray that tomorrow is the day of WONDERFUL news and know that whatever the outcome I can handle the news and I will be as strong and determined as ever before. 

Blog # 65 "Live Your Life"

It's been a while... 

I went to do my pet scan on 12/11/2014 and of all things that stopped me... My glucose was sky high, at 272.  The doctors said "No way" on doing the scan on that day and sent me home. All I really could do was laugh about it. The anxiety of having it done and then being sent home was hurtful, I can not lie.  I didn't cry, there were no need for tears, there was not a single thing I could do about it.It hurt me and I put on that warrior face (I am required to have) and I rescheduled the test for 12/18/2014... Today! 

 I called my oncologist  office, as the technician suggested I do  and they had me come in on Friday last week as they wanted to check my glucose and see what they could do about getting a handle on it. I wonder if it had anything to do with me eating ice cream blizzards from Dairy Queen for about 7 days in a row. I had been having such issues with my stomach that I could not handle dairy products so I had not had any ice cream in 7 months since starting chemo. After the first one I had, I realized it no longer hurt my stomach and I might have gone a little overboard with my craving.  Besides the box of candy my friends sent me from our annual candy making day (that I had to miss from being so down from the chemo) I ate some of it the night before the pet scan. I had not even thought about my sugar being high at all. I had not had that issue at all since being sick so it never dawned on me not to eat it. 

The oncologist has me on a medicine to try and regulate my sugar and has me poking my finger three times a day to test it..which is a new world for me. I know a lot of people are diabetic and have to do it everyday, it's just not something I expected in my own life.  Someday's it's lower than others. I thought that I could still eat the way I wanted (minus the ice cream) and I find it raises my sugar.  

Here's where I guess it get's personal. Before 2/6/2014 I was what I felt like a healthy person. I didn't know this stupid monster was living inside of me invading my liver and doing it's best to suck the life out of this woman that does her best to do her best every day.  I suppose the whole fear inside me is that the cancer is likely not going to kill me..and seems lately I have been running into complications and makes me  wonder..like most people they don't die from the disease they often die from one of the side effects that the cancer creates. I try so hard to put that out of my mind. I fight my thoughts on that.  It's a whole lot harder than it appears to be. 

There are people that sometimes I want to just pick up and shake to make them see things through my eyes and unfortunately...that's not going to happen. I went back to the oncologist yesterday and my blood work was less than perfect. Another RED FLAG of concern for me. I took my print out to the hospital and dropped it off for Dr. Chamsuddin to take a peak at for me.  He called me and said I looked fine. Get some iron pills and he was mad at me about my weight. I wanted to scream. I wish I could make him me for a day. I wish that the people that are on the inside/outside of this disease could understand how it feels to walk in my shoes for a day. I would be happy to share myself with them for just an hour and I think the understanding would be a different story. You can not understand how it feels to be the SICK PERSON... Until you are the sick person. My weight is up. I am up to 137/138. Last week that is what I weighed at the doctor and I went back yesterday and it said 132. No way can I lose 5 pounds in a week ...every week. I eat. I do the best I can as I lay in bed completely wiped out from a poison that is put in through a needle into my veins that takes me from a state of feeling alive to a state of not even knowing I am actually alive. The chemo is the hardest thing about this process. I hate the chemo. I hate when I have to go and have it done . I hate when it takes over my body and my mind and it's almost as if it paralyzes me! I hate the high's and low's of this disease. I start feeling good after a treatment and then it's time to do another and I am completely knocked back down again. Seems the longer I do the treatments the worse I hate it and the worse I feel. I lay in bed for a minimum of three days and can't do anything much except  take a shower every day and do my best to eat and drink as much as I can. I try so hard... like I try at everything in my life. I am an over achiever. I am one of those people that will be at the top. I am aggressive and proud. I just feel that I have no control over this disease. I have no say so about how I am going to feel on any certain day and after traveling this road 10.5 months I am a little frustrated. 

Attached is the link to my video I made today about how I feel about my Pet Scan and it's results

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ce1nAJmZCOY

I am fighting this monster the only way I know how and that's as aggressive and strong as I can. I am suppose to be all of these things..Cheerful, strong, happy, aggressive, a warrior... and in the midst of what I am suppose to be this disease is beating me down at every turn. I hate cancer. I hate it with every single part of my being. I just want to be free of this. I wonder if I can ever mentally be free from this disease? I guess it's because even when I get to the "Remission" state of this there are going to be test every 3 months and if it comes back we will be fighting it hard from the onset. 

There are days that all I can do is cry. I try my BEST not to call my brother and sister on those days. I try not to cry to them. I know how much it hurts them when I am fearing something. I want control of this. I want to fix this ... I am a fixer... I can (I thought I could) fix anything. I am trying to be every thing I need to be for every single person and when things don't go right (just like in anything you do in life) I get so frustrated and mad. I scream sometimes. Sometimes I just want to find a stranger and curse them out for no reason or blame of their own. I bite my tongue as hard as it is .. I let things just be because sometimes it's just not worth the fight anymore. Life goes on with cancer, you still have all the same things about paying bills and living your life. It's tough at times. I am the independent person I have always been feeling so dependent on so many people. I reach out for comfort sometimes to people and I have literally been turned away. It's to hard for them to hear me cry to feel my pain. They would rather just pretend that I am no longer their friend because it makes it easier for them. I guess it would and then in turn it makes it harder for me. It's okay I see things differently now and I can take people for their face value. To bad I didn't know how they would have treated me all those years ago or I would have never been their friend in the first place. Losing friendships during this time is really hard for me too. I am disappointed by people. I am hurt and frustrated but I can not control other people. I think most people whether on the inside or the outside of my disease think I have all these people always around me and keeping me company. Most days that is so far from the truth. I have a special group of people that do love and support me day in and day out... Those are my heroes because it takes a hero to go through this disease with someone. I know that it's as heartbreaking for them to go through the day in and day out things of this disease with me. I just know that I could not make it through any of this without them. You can not understand how it feels for someone you love to have cancer until you have someone you love that has cancer. It's mentally exhausting.  It hurts me and I know it hurts the ones that love me to most just as much. 

The one other tough thing is.... still trying to be a loving, caring, nurturing mom through all of this. Trying to make a 6 year old understand why I can't get up and why I can't open my eyes to play with her is hard. She has the most inward view of this disease. She understands a lot more than I can even give her credit for. A 6 year understanding and dealing day in and day out of cancer is hard and completely and utterly unfair. Breaks my heart every time she has to face something new with me. Last week she had to learn all about pricking your finger and testing your glucose. It makes me sad. She should be playing baby dolls and being sheltered from this disease. I can't do that when I am her full time care taker. She wants to be with me. She comforts me more than she will ever know. She gives me the strength to keep this heartbreaking process going. The bond that we have is nothing short of amazing. I am loved by her... I am truly unconditionally loved by her. 

The other morning she was full of questions which gave me a great idea, we have decided to write a book together.  I thought I wanted to name it "Nobody will ever love you as much as your mama does" Then at the mall yesterday I found a shirt that say's "Live Your Life" (which I am wearing for my pet scan today) and I think that title totally suits the book much better. We will see. I have been asking her lots of questions on her feelings and I have had her draw pictures that almost take my breath away. I think sharing cancer through her eyes is something she will hold dear forever. I told her I want to donate 20% of profit to the  liver cancer group I am now a part of... The Georgia Liver Coalition , and the other part I want put away for her college tuition and her wedding. Maybe we will sell a lot of books and maybe we wont...but... whatever we make goes to a great cause and through that I feel a sense of happiness through the understanding of a disease with a little 6 year old leading the way. 

There are high's and low's of this disease. Today, I pray for a high. I pray to God that my Pet Scan shows no activity in any of the tumors. Today as I lay on that machine and have it scan my body for this horrible monster I pray this monster is defeated and gone from my life forever. There are days I fear every thing and others I fear nothing at all. I share this journey from my heart ... From the very being of my soul because I have to be open and honest with all of you because it makes me be open and honest with myself. 

There are things that I could go on and on about ... Things that I don't like that other people do or don't do. But honestly for once in my life this journey is about me. I am about me and I will forever be a changed person for going through all of this. I am in no way ever fighting with someone again. I am going to tell people my feelings and leave things where they lay. I don't need to have the last word or to try and make any one feel guilty about what they did or didn't do because at this point in my life you are either with me or you are without me. It's as simple as that.... It took getting cancer and going through all of this to realize the true simplicity of what that really means.