Blog #96 Patience is a virtue... So they say....

I know there are a lot of you that follow my story through my blog... and I didn't want to leave you all hanging about my pet scan results. 

Unfortunately, I received a text Sunday morning that for some reason my scan didn't get uploaded into the system for Dr Chamsuddin to have a way to view the scan. For whatever reason.... it really doesn't matter. Furthermore, he texted me later in the day to tell me he would not be available to review it for a few days. Which to be honest is fine with me. Someone very close to me is  out of  town on a vacation and I didn't really want to hear any news while they were gone. This disease takes away so much of us on a daily basis and I just want them to go on vacation and not have to worry about getting any news about me. 

As much as it would be nice to know the outcome... I'm truly okay with waiting. As much as this disease is about me,it's very much a part of the people that love me, and their lives  too. It's hard on us all. My friends are more like my family. 

This weekend was a great weekend. Friday was my sister's twins, Jimbo & Georgia's 9th birthday. We all met and had Japanese. My niece Ansleigh, had her birthday April 12th and because of all that's been going on with me... I missed her birthday. So, I gave them all a card with $100 in it. They were so excited. My sister said they counted their money at least 100 times that night and 100 times the next morning. I was the best Aunt in the world that night and it melted my heart to see them so happy. My sister wasn't happy that I had given them all that much, but I had the money and sometimes you realize that giving a little more is what will make the ones you love happy and you just go above and beyond for them. I am just glad I was here and alive to celebrate and see the joy on their faces because I love them all so much and miss the time we all spent together so much more than I can right now. They understand but sometimes I wish my heart would. 

Saturday, afternoon I went to a fun slip and slide fireball shots party at my friends Tonya and Johnny's house it  was so much fun. I felt great all day and enjoyed spending the entire day with some of the best people you could ever wish to have as friends. I of course didn't do the slip and slide nor did I do the fireball shots, and sometimes its truly a lot safer and fun sitting on the sidelines just watching and laughing. 

On Sunday,  friend's Linda and Kim came over and painted Evan's room purple . Something she had wanted for a long time and it melts my heart all that they are willing and able to do to help me in this time of need in my life. I know it's for no other reason than they love me. I hope that I can one day be as good of a friend to my friends has they have been to me. 

Life is good. Nothing new still the back pain but I am trying to maintain my tolerance for it until we see what might need to be done to fix it. I am just in that waiting game right now. Waiting for the pet scan results to see what we may or may not have to do next. I am praying hard that all the cancer in my liver is gone. I know there is a spot on my lung, if I am lucky enough the chemo has gotten that and I can just begin to heal and recover from all I have been through ... Time will tell....

My friend Ashley's mom and I talked at the party for a long time on Saturday. She said she was thrilled with the success that I have been having with my treatments and she is a registered nurse and told me she had really never heard of anyone making it over 6 months with the advance stage of liver cancer that I had. But, she had not known anyone that had gone to the lengths that I have to get rid of it. I told her mom that after the alternative medicine and the marker going up sky high that I knew I had to do something and I just went for it. I risked it all to have any chance of helping to extend my life. I really risked it all. I had no other choice. I was not accepting the fact that I would die. I didn't want and still do not want to die, I know that is not up to me. I believe that there is a plan for me. I think I am traveling and following that plan every day that I live and every day that I share my story. I never knew what to expect. I never questioned what next because I knew no one had the ultimate answer I would be looking for. The thing about my journey is that I have had the faith and the ultimate care to survive where I am. I feel like a hero because I hear that so much from people. That I am some miracle and I know in my heart that I am. I want to win this battle not just for me but for all the people that have been like me, told there was no hope for them. There is hope. Sometimes, you have to be willing to risk it all to make that happen. I didn't honestly think of it like that when I was making the decisions to do the Y90 I didn't believe I was dying. I didn't feel, look. nor act like I was not going to die... I was dedicated to myself in a way I have never really been dedicated to anyone else in my life. I fought and I feel like I have won. I have won longer than anyone ever thought I would live. My body is good. My mind is sharp. My heart and soul are stronger than they have ever been. My will to live is as bigger than I ever knew it could be. I never was faced with dying before getting cancer, never had any close calls. Disease and dying was other people's problems until 2/6/2014. 

That day is branded in my mind. It will forever change who I am and who I have become. I am just grateful .. I am happy. I am rejoicing in the days I feel good and laying in bed recovering in the days I feel bad. I just go with how my body feels. My mind is always saying get up and do stuff but it's almost impossible when my body just can not get the get up and go it has always had. It really depressed me in the beginning. It would upset me so bad but I guess I have gotten more use to it by 12 months of doing the chemo and procedures and I just do what I feel like and don't do anything when I don't. 

I am more than this person fighting for my life. I am so much more inside than trying to make it through a disease that I don't understand but I am this person that deserves to live my life and when I am feeling good I go back to being me. I do almost all the things I always have. I just do them less frequently. I try to make the most of every single day. 

I am happy. I love seeing people that tell me how amazing I look. How if they didn't know that I was sick they would never know it. I don't look like I guess someone with cancer should look... But how are they suppose to look? There is no diagram to show how a person with this or that cancer should look but for now I am doing great... Unfortunately....it's chemo week again so Wednesday.... I am back to the dreaded treatment but it's working and therefore, I do what I have to do. When you are getting such amazing results how do you question or refuse the treatments that are truly giving you  your life back?

My baby girl is at the beach with her dad and step mom this week and it's hard to be without her. I miss her when she is gone and then when she comes back complaining about being bored and this and that I wish she were off doing something besides driving me nuts. She is such a good kid. She is so strong and going through all that she has with me she will be stronger than she ever should be. She is my world I love her so much. She keeps asking me "Are you seeing Dr. Chamsuddin this week?" I tell her "No,honey not this week" she is so anxious to meet him she talks about him all the time I guess because I am always talking about him with people too. She loves him .. She is so happy that he has saved her mama and she prays every night the treatments continue to work and get rid of this horrible disease. She wants to just meet him and give him a big hug. I always tell her soon ...

I should be posting again at the end of the week as long as I am feeling okay after chemo. Even if it's a small post I will post I promise. 

Thank you for reading, sharing and ultimately praying for me and my family. Prayers are answered every day. 

Don't cry for me.... Pray for me! 

Blog #94 Please Pray for me... Pet Scan is tomorrow..

Here I go.... again.... My next pet scan is scheduled for tomorrow. I always find myself getting very anxious the day or so before the scan. It's the results I worry about... not the scan itself. I have the scan procedure down to a science I could administer the treatment myself, if the truth be known. I have a lot of things on my mind before having this done. It's the tell all of where the cancer is within my body and as I hope and pray to God that all the cancer is out of my liver, I just don't know. 

Before going on my trip to Mexico I put off any chemo treatments and my cancer marker. I just wanted to go on the trip and not worry about anything more than I already had on my mind. I had chemo last week and I asked the doctor to order my cancer marker, it went up a tiny bit It went from 188 to 208 which honestly... was not alarming to me at all. Last time it went up, it doubled so I felt okay with being where it is. This disease gives me all sorts of things to think about. I have to pay close attention to my blood work. Certain test determine certain functions. It's so weird how our blood work says so much about how our body is working. 

Things are okay with me. Chemo did it's usual thing and wore me out this past weekend. I pushed myself a little more than I normally would to get up and do things. It was a holiday weekend and I didn't want to be stuck in the bed while everyone else was out having fun. Besides, I had promised my daughter, Evan, that I would be better this summer and so far I have done good fulfilling that commitment I made to her. I am just hoping that there is no new procedure on the horizon, that will be determined by the pet scan and what Dr. Chamsuddin thinks should or should not be done next. 

Life is crazy I am still trying to work as hard as I always have and some days that commitment is a little harder to fulfill than others. I just don't always feel good enough to be sitting here at my desk at work... so there are a lot of times that I find myself going home and working from there. Not that it matters, none of my customers know, I know and I know me and I want to be productive and for me being productive is being in the office working. I am weird about certain things. 

 I have always been harder on myself than anyone else has ever thought about being on me. I just think that I should and could always push myself a little more. I guess you can say I am not so much that way anymore. I know when my body needs rest. I know when I am tired and I need to lay down. I know that I can not  be that person I once was at least right now. I just know that I want to beat this disease and if it means me changing to allow my body the time and rest that it needs to do that, than I will do it.

 Life is a lot simpler when you are not sick, that's for sure. It's not easy getting up every day and not knowing what the day holds if you will feel good enough to make plans with other people. I have really tired to avoid making plans, I don't make commitments to people because it's not that I worry about hurting them... it's that I worry about it upsetting me, if I can't go. I have always been that person that was "all in" on anything but I have learned that I can no longer be that person so when and if I feel good enough I go and if I don't I just stay home. It's really a lot more of a mental aspect of having cancer that makes the disease so hard. It takes away parts of you that you never thought it could and then it gives you such new and better perceptive on life in general. Being sick makes you see and appreciate the little things more than you ever thought you could. It's not easy to see sometimes because looking back on life you realize all the things you might have missed out on. 

I have had so many people contact me over the last several weeks about their own family members being diagnosed with cancer.  Where is this coming from? Statistic's say that 1 in 18 people will have some form of cancer or another. That is unacceptable. It's heartbreaking. And unfortunately with no cure, there is simply no way to even know where all these cancer dx are coming from. I see fight for a cure but where is the cure. Who has the cure? When will this monster ever began to lose it's battle in our bodies if we can not figure out where it is even coming from?

I get upset sometimes when someone new reaches out to me. I want to make things better for them as I have been given this second chance at life that I say I wasn't suppose to have but I don't believe that/ I was lead to where I was given this chance with..... 1 man that was willing to take a chance on me. 

Willing to take me on and risk it all to do what he could do to give me back my life. As much as I took a chance on him he also took that chance on me when no one else was even willing to do so. I talk a lot about Dr. Chamsuddin. I know I sing his praises because honestly I have no other reason to be here and alive without his expertise and God's grace.  It makes you realize how special you are in the eyes of others. Dr. Chamsuddin. has gotten to know me on a personal level I have given him my single mom book I published, I gave him a Team Christy shirt, I have laid my heart out on the line about the love for my friends and family. I made myself more than just a patient I was a person. I wanted the person I walked down this journey with to know who I am that has been very important to me. I wanted him to know that his efforts and his strides to helping me is more than just about a patient laying on a table he was treating That I have a life and that I have so much more to live for. Some doctors could really care less. Each patient is a patient and they will do what they can for them and that is the most involvement that they had with the person. I am more than that, I wanted to live and I wanted Dr. Chamsuddin and the entire world to know that I wanted that more than anything else in this world. I have been the person that made the decision to do all the procedures and not once have I looked back and thought... I should not have done that... Every hard thing I have been through has lead me to today... Almost 16 months still alive, not just alive but being a full time mother and insurance agent working full time. I am still very active and functional in my life and for that I am so forever grateful. I don't know what the future holds. It's all about a little nuclear sugar inserted into my body tomorrow as I lay in a machine that will give us the answers we are all longing to hear. It may be the best news I have ever heard and it could be that we are back to fighting the monster  again... Regardless I have the most amazing people in my life to cheer me on, cry with me, pray for me, and to lead me on to victory in the long term of whatever and wherever this disease my lead me. 

Please say a prayer for me and know that God has done amazing things so far and I know in my heart he will continue to do so and lead me the right direction for my life. 

I want to live. I will never give up a day that I am breathing on this earth to fight this monster inside of me. I know that when I was told I would not lie 12 months I never could and would accept that. Not because of any other reason than I knew I was in good hands! I knew that I believed in and trusted Dr. Chamsuddin in a way that I had never ever trusted another human being in my life. I respect him and I really care for him. He has given me hope and hope is more than I ever thought I could have had before. I cried one time in Mexico just thinking about the fact that a year ago I would have never dreamed it possible for me to be on a girls trip much less out of the country... He has given me the greatest gift I could have ever asked for and that's the second chance at life. I believe there is a higher power calling me to lead in my journey of cancer not only for the good of the people that personally know me but for the strangers I meet along the way. I am so happy to have the opportunity to share my story and to give hope to others when they may feel there is no hope left for them. I wish my heart were bigger, I wish I could travel the world sharing my story, and so instead I use the internet. I checked my google plus account another place I post my blog and I have had to date 471,755 views.. Amen is all I can say. 

I have been busy writing my story. I have put a lot of time and energy into writing my book because Dr. Chamsuddin says it's time. I know it is mainly because I feel good enough to write it. This whole time I have been sick I have been putting the cards on my wall at work. It was my wall of inspiration. When I decided to write the book I thought those cards would be a great tribute to the love and kindness I have been shown by so many so I have cut up the cards into pictures and words and placed them strategically throughout the book. I wrote to Ellen yesterday and I am hoping to hear from her about my story and also I am going to write my contact again with Oprah's Network and see where I can get this book going. It's a true story it's my story that I have shared all throughout the journey but I hope that I can make something more happen with the book and hopefully reach people that have been given what I was given... No hope.... I was given hope by one doctor that was willing to take a chance on me as much as I was willing to take a chance on him. Together we make a great team. I wish everyone had their own Dr. Chamsuddin, but I am willing to share mine if it will save lives. 

Don't cry for me.... Pray for me....Thank you for reading and sharing my story you never know who may read this and need their own sense of hope today! 

Blog #81 HOPE & CERTAINTY.... THEY GO HAND IN HAND.....

I'm finally feeling better. The last procedure took a lot out of me.  On top of that... I got that winter crud... with the sore throat and cough, I guess  I caught from my little daughter, Evan. She was sick the week before. Regardless of what I am going through.... I am still a mama and I am going to take care  my little one when she is sick, I take the risk of getting myself sick but that's what a mama does. Isn't it? Healthy or not?


Things are going good with me. I had a great month selling insurance despite the fact that I have not been feeling really good the whole month. I wrote 29 new policies for the month.... I am thrilled. It makes me feel good to save people money and for them to put their trust in me as their agent. I seem to wear so many hats these days I am a  mama, sister, grandma, insurance agent, and cancer patient. I juggle life these days and try my best to keep things going smooth and on the right track for all my obligations! It get's overwhelming at times but that's nothing new life was certainly overwhelming even before finding out I was sick.

The days I don't feel that good and I am home I seem to work harder and more on those days. Seems odd that it would be that way but it's just how the business goes.... I suppose. Things are always crazy in my life there is always so much to do and so much that I can't allow to sit and be left undone (except for my laundry...which I hate doing)

 I have my pet scan scheduled for  March 13th... Each time the closer to the date I get, the more anxious I am becoming. I hate waiting but to make sure we get the correct results from the procedure there is a timing to the waiting madness.  I am praying day & night that the scan is clear. I hope that there is not another thing lighting up on the scan, but in case there is... like every time before I am willing and ready to go back in and get at it again. I would prefer not to have another ablation but regardless of what I prefer ....if I have to do it I will. I want my life back. I want to know that I have no more cancer in my body... no matter how big it once was to how small it is now. Cancer is cancer and no matter the size I hate it. I am not willing to allow it to invade my body anymore than it already has!

The pet scan is not bad really. The worse part for me is when they put in the sugar shot into my IV and then I have to sit and rest for an hour before I can have the scan done. Going into the room to have the pet scan isn't bad,  They lay you on this little table with all of your clothes on. Which is so weird to me , I would have thought you would at least have to change into a hospital gown but that isn't the case at all. I get a little anxious at first when they push you through the tubing to get each portion of your body done on the scan. You lay on this tiny table with your arms laying up above your head and you have to be completely still for about 20-30 minutes. If you are claustrophobic it might be a little more difficult for you to have a pet scan done. There are things your doctor can do about your anxiety ask if you think you will ever have one of these and if you think you might need something to take the edge off.

Anything new and uncertain scares us. I think I get the "PRO" title when it comes to all these cancer situations and test. I know that I don't like most of it anymore than the next person but I do it because I have to and because I have no other choice really.

Fighting cancer isn't for cowards. Don't you hear and see all these things saying "cancer warrior"? It's not easy to go through this. I think sometimes it has more of a mental effect than a physical. It's the word we all dread to hear under any circumstances with anyone in our family or friends circle.

I know the day I was diagnosed I couldn't believe what the doctor was saying.. Like I have said before this happened to other people. This could not be happening to me. I wasn't unhealthy, I never really got sick with colds or anything, I had energy, I was a mom with a small child for God's sake.. This could not be happening to me... It was and I had no control over what it was. I knew I had control over what it could be and therefore I made the choices I made along this journey. I wanted someone to come and take this all away from me. I wanted sometime to look me in the eyes and say "It's okay, you do this and you will live" no one said that to me. No one could. There was what I felt was no hope in my mind but my heart had all the hope in the world that I could and would make it through this horrible disease. I did everything you can even think of. I read stuff on the internet that was the magic cancer cure, that didn't work. I changed my diet, I scrambled across the country trying to find a way to save my life and everywhere I went there wasn't anymore hope than what I had been offered by Dr. Chamsuddin, my only hope... Y-90... Hope and Certainty were in my mind the same thing. I knew that hope had the only chance of my certainty of beating this disease.  I believed in the plan we had to attack this monster, and once we started the journey to beat it, I never looked back a second.. I just knew I was on the right track,,,, with the right doctor,,, and at the right place I was suppose to be at. I knew that and therefore there was no more searching for an answer for me and my life, I had found it.

It's not easy making choices ...choices that you have no idea what you might be facing but when you have no other choice and it's the only choice you have... there is no other way to go. I knew from day one that my obligation in this world could not be over. I have built my life the way I wanted in some way and other ways it had been molded from the decisions that I had made for my life choices. I look back now and wish I had gone to college and I know I would have made an incredible lawyer. I can argue my point like nobody's business, I can search and find out things that people have hidden so far and deep and think no one could ever find out.  Instead at 20 I had baby, I worked my butt off every day to provide her with her needs, and later on in life with all of her wants. I sacrificed so much of my family time for money and material things and thought those things were what would make her and I happy. A lesson that now.. I have learned better than to believe that. I was given a second chance at being a mama and I love my little girl. Don't get me wrong she can get on my last nerve and there have been times that I have had  to escort her out of my bedroom and lock the door but that's short lived. I still under the circumstances  have to be mama! I have really tried to keep my life as normal as possible. Not much other than chemo. hospital stay's and laying in bed more has changed. I am still working full time. Still trying to just be me.. a new and maybe in some ways an improved me.

I have people reaching out to me all of the time. Telling me that my fight and attitude has helped them in ways that I would never understand. People that were once strangers sharing with me their own life struggles and explaining the ways that I have helped them. Do you know how amazing that makes me feel? I just know that I fight because I want to . I want to live... I want to see my daughter and grandson grow up... I want to do so much more with my life than I have so far. I can't determine where all of this will lead me in my future but I know the future looks brighter and happier when you have been fighting for your life for it!

Yesterday,my Evan Raine walked into the room with this costume on and after the third video attempt we came up with this. I love her spirit and even going through this journey every step of the way with me I see the joy of life in her eyes and it makes me so happy... Cancer can not take the heart and soul of it's victim's if you don't allow it to. It's a choice and I chose happiness with my daughter. I hope you enjoy her video she is something very special. I started these video's recently because I wanted to have these for her and for myself for years to come. So we have our own youtube channel...

I hope that my story makes it to the heart of people that need to feel the strength of another persons will and desire to live that can in my own way give them "HOPE" for their own lives. Nothing is certain in life...  but..... there is more certainty in life if you have HOPE. ...

Blog #78....One year later.... The day I wasn't expected to see....

One year ago today....I was told that I had liver cancer and it was very bad. I will never forget that day and moment  as long as I live. 2/6/2014 changed every thing I thought I knew about my life. It changed me as a person, mother, friend, sister, and a woman. It changed how I saw the world and how I thought these things only happen to other people. 

I really had not known or even heard  much about cancer. I didn't know what it was going to mean in my life! I knew in my heart and soul in those first few days  that my time left on this earth was probably very limited, I knew that liver cancer was certainly a death sentence. 

 I spent the first several days thinking about having to leave my little girl on this earth without her mama and the pain was so unbearable for me. I cried so much those first few  days. It hurt me so bad to know that I was sick, and to know that it was consuming 80% of my liver... the and chances for me to live were not great or even hopeful at all...really! I denied my fears to everyone I knew, I showed on the outside what I longed to feel on the inside. I didn't want anyone I loved hurting as much as I was hurting. I knew if I stayed strong they would have no choice but to stay strong themselves.

 My life flashed before my eyes, I began writing notes to my little girl for all the birthday's I probably was not going to be here for. I tried my best to make amends with things in my life that I felt I needed to do. I said the things that I needed and wanted to say, I wrote my will and planned my daughters future without me. I had a million things running through my mind, and as I feared so deep in my heart and soul that I would not survive the one great thing about it all was I didn't feel sick. I hurt in my side and I knew the cancer was there but I felt fine. I would ask  my brother over and over again "I feel healthy. How can I be so sick?" He would always reply "I don't know but you really aren't healthy you are sick" I knew it but I could not allow this disease to  take the core of who Iwas and change me and force me to give into what I thought was my destiny. I just could not do it. I wanted to be strong if for no one other reason's than for my daughter's and grandson. They needed me and I needed them. I wanted to live and yet I wasn't sure I would and if I did... how long I would I even  have.  I was told by 7 out of 8 doctors that I would do chemo for 12 months and that would be my life expectancy. 12 months ...  

I cried when no one else was around. I begged God to spare my life. I hugged my little girl and grandson tighter than I ever had before. I let my mind think of all the things that I could try and do to help in saving myself. I didn't want to die. I feared it so bad. I feared that my family would have to sit there and watch me wither away until I took my last breath's on this earth and I don't think  anything ever hurt me as much as those feelings did. I was so close to death and then....... I tried every thing... I drank drops of peroxide, I took baths in baking soda, I changed my diet to completely to eating healthy, I traveled all over the country meeting with doctors, I did vitamin C through my veins 3 days a week, a shot of vitamin D once a week, sat with a heat lamp shining directly on my liver 3 days a week for 1 hour at a time, I sat in a heat box in my living room several times a week for 20 minutes.... There was nothing I wasn't willing to try to get rid of this disease, and through all this time I did all of that over 6 weeks and went back for a scan and the tumors had grown a little and my cancer marker went from 1480 to 8800... I knew I was headed in the wrong direction. I had been determined that I would not do chemo. I didn't want to do it, I feared it more than I had ever feared any thing in my life but I knew in those moments the results from my scan coming back, I knew what direction I had to go, I had no choice! I had to give myself the best shot at killing this cancer and it was apparent what I was doing was not working.  I called Dr. Chamsuddin and asked if I could bring my updated scan to him to review and we made an appointment for the Monday after Mothers Day...   

Evan on World Cancer Day 2/4/2015

Dr. Chamsuddin gave me a glimmer of hope. He never committed to me to save my life. He said "Your only hope is the Y-90" He saved me ... He will never know my appreciation and my heartfelt bond I have with him. He pulled me through this disease that should have been my death sentence and he used his expertise and took a chance on me when I am sure he wasn't sure that I would even make it.I often wonder how it felt to be him in those earlier days and even still. Having to take me into do all these procedures and see all my friends and family each time before he did what he was going to do for me. I know that has to be tough. He has a heart even though he is a doctor, he has feelings. He told me one time, my support system has been a lot of the success of my procedures. He knew from the first day that he met me how loved I am and I can only imagine how tough that is. I guess he puts the personal aspect out of his mind, or else how can you try and be the best you can be if you think of anything outside of what your job is. He has a talent beyond what I could have ever expected as a patient. Without him, I would be gone from this earth by now, I would be a memory to the people that love me.

 I would be the voice they long to hear on the other end of the phone, or the face they missed seeing every day. I have a bond with my family that is amazing. We grew up so differently than we are now. I know that I can never repay my brother and sister for everything they have done for me through this. I just know that without them I would not have been strong enough to make the tough choices I have had to make and survived. They are as much of my survival as anyone else is. They don't read my blogs, I think because it would hurt them to deep to read my inner most heartfelt feelings but they love me just the same and hopefully one day they will feel strong enough to want  to read them and know how it felt to be the inner part of myself through all of this. 

 Dr. Chamsuddin never said either way  if I would or would not make it through all of this... but I know he was hoping and praying I would, as much as my family and I were. He gives  me his all when he is working on killing this monster inside of me. I know that! I hope that he knows I am more grateful than words could ever express! He gave me my life back, I don't even know if I can find the words to say how amazing that truly is to me. I know I still have my moments that I get upset, but I am still fighting the fight, it's not gone completely but it's 99% gone and that is incredible.  I don't fear that I will die anymore. I just know that I want the cancer gone. I want to hear those words REMISSION. I was hoping and been praying that I would be done with every thing by today, my one year anniversary, it didn't happen,and that's okay. It's okay because I am here I am alive and I am better in so many ways than I was 12 months ago. We are all hoping and praying that the last procedure a week ago this past Monday got all 5 tiny spots of what is was left of the cancer. My next Pet Scan is being scheduled for sometime mid March... As we are all anxious to hear the results. 

1 YEAR.......

I'm a walking, talking, and living miracle. It wan't my time. Maybe I cheated death out of taking me and I can't say enough how grateful I am for that. Life isn't about money, rising up the corporate ladder, it's truly about living life, being loved and loving, family, friends, and happiness. Finding happiness in times like I have faced have been tough at times but I have really worked hard at keeping my spirit up, keeping a positive attitude, and being strong enough to face every thing I have had to face and to keep fighting the fight. Cancer is terrible. Just the mere word makes me sick... I hate cancer. I hate all the people that I have met and have known that has gotten cancer too.

Today, I survived what I was told I would not. 12 months later and I am still here, strong , not in remission, not cancer free, but alive and happy, and so very close to being there and that is more than I could have ever asked for 1 year ago. 

Thank you Dr. Chamsuddin, for not ever giving up on me, for taking a chance in  saving my life, and for the amazing experience you have in making a difference in the lives of other people. I hope that today you celebrate my life because you are such a HUGE part of me having a future to live. Thank you a million times over. I will forever be grateful to you and for your amazing staff at Newton Medical Center for taking such good care of me. For being there to do what you all do best... Saving lives. 

Blog # 65 "Live Your Life"

It's been a while... 

I went to do my pet scan on 12/11/2014 and of all things that stopped me... My glucose was sky high, at 272.  The doctors said "No way" on doing the scan on that day and sent me home. All I really could do was laugh about it. The anxiety of having it done and then being sent home was hurtful, I can not lie.  I didn't cry, there were no need for tears, there was not a single thing I could do about it.It hurt me and I put on that warrior face (I am required to have) and I rescheduled the test for 12/18/2014... Today! 

 I called my oncologist  office, as the technician suggested I do  and they had me come in on Friday last week as they wanted to check my glucose and see what they could do about getting a handle on it. I wonder if it had anything to do with me eating ice cream blizzards from Dairy Queen for about 7 days in a row. I had been having such issues with my stomach that I could not handle dairy products so I had not had any ice cream in 7 months since starting chemo. After the first one I had, I realized it no longer hurt my stomach and I might have gone a little overboard with my craving.  Besides the box of candy my friends sent me from our annual candy making day (that I had to miss from being so down from the chemo) I ate some of it the night before the pet scan. I had not even thought about my sugar being high at all. I had not had that issue at all since being sick so it never dawned on me not to eat it. 

The oncologist has me on a medicine to try and regulate my sugar and has me poking my finger three times a day to test it..which is a new world for me. I know a lot of people are diabetic and have to do it everyday, it's just not something I expected in my own life.  Someday's it's lower than others. I thought that I could still eat the way I wanted (minus the ice cream) and I find it raises my sugar.  

Here's where I guess it get's personal. Before 2/6/2014 I was what I felt like a healthy person. I didn't know this stupid monster was living inside of me invading my liver and doing it's best to suck the life out of this woman that does her best to do her best every day.  I suppose the whole fear inside me is that the cancer is likely not going to kill me..and seems lately I have been running into complications and makes me  wonder..like most people they don't die from the disease they often die from one of the side effects that the cancer creates. I try so hard to put that out of my mind. I fight my thoughts on that.  It's a whole lot harder than it appears to be. 

There are people that sometimes I want to just pick up and shake to make them see things through my eyes and unfortunately...that's not going to happen. I went back to the oncologist yesterday and my blood work was less than perfect. Another RED FLAG of concern for me. I took my print out to the hospital and dropped it off for Dr. Chamsuddin to take a peak at for me.  He called me and said I looked fine. Get some iron pills and he was mad at me about my weight. I wanted to scream. I wish I could make him me for a day. I wish that the people that are on the inside/outside of this disease could understand how it feels to walk in my shoes for a day. I would be happy to share myself with them for just an hour and I think the understanding would be a different story. You can not understand how it feels to be the SICK PERSON... Until you are the sick person. My weight is up. I am up to 137/138. Last week that is what I weighed at the doctor and I went back yesterday and it said 132. No way can I lose 5 pounds in a week ...every week. I eat. I do the best I can as I lay in bed completely wiped out from a poison that is put in through a needle into my veins that takes me from a state of feeling alive to a state of not even knowing I am actually alive. The chemo is the hardest thing about this process. I hate the chemo. I hate when I have to go and have it done . I hate when it takes over my body and my mind and it's almost as if it paralyzes me! I hate the high's and low's of this disease. I start feeling good after a treatment and then it's time to do another and I am completely knocked back down again. Seems the longer I do the treatments the worse I hate it and the worse I feel. I lay in bed for a minimum of three days and can't do anything much except  take a shower every day and do my best to eat and drink as much as I can. I try so hard... like I try at everything in my life. I am an over achiever. I am one of those people that will be at the top. I am aggressive and proud. I just feel that I have no control over this disease. I have no say so about how I am going to feel on any certain day and after traveling this road 10.5 months I am a little frustrated. 

Attached is the link to my video I made today about how I feel about my Pet Scan and it's results

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ce1nAJmZCOY

I am fighting this monster the only way I know how and that's as aggressive and strong as I can. I am suppose to be all of these things..Cheerful, strong, happy, aggressive, a warrior... and in the midst of what I am suppose to be this disease is beating me down at every turn. I hate cancer. I hate it with every single part of my being. I just want to be free of this. I wonder if I can ever mentally be free from this disease? I guess it's because even when I get to the "Remission" state of this there are going to be test every 3 months and if it comes back we will be fighting it hard from the onset. 

There are days that all I can do is cry. I try my BEST not to call my brother and sister on those days. I try not to cry to them. I know how much it hurts them when I am fearing something. I want control of this. I want to fix this ... I am a fixer... I can (I thought I could) fix anything. I am trying to be every thing I need to be for every single person and when things don't go right (just like in anything you do in life) I get so frustrated and mad. I scream sometimes. Sometimes I just want to find a stranger and curse them out for no reason or blame of their own. I bite my tongue as hard as it is .. I let things just be because sometimes it's just not worth the fight anymore. Life goes on with cancer, you still have all the same things about paying bills and living your life. It's tough at times. I am the independent person I have always been feeling so dependent on so many people. I reach out for comfort sometimes to people and I have literally been turned away. It's to hard for them to hear me cry to feel my pain. They would rather just pretend that I am no longer their friend because it makes it easier for them. I guess it would and then in turn it makes it harder for me. It's okay I see things differently now and I can take people for their face value. To bad I didn't know how they would have treated me all those years ago or I would have never been their friend in the first place. Losing friendships during this time is really hard for me too. I am disappointed by people. I am hurt and frustrated but I can not control other people. I think most people whether on the inside or the outside of my disease think I have all these people always around me and keeping me company. Most days that is so far from the truth. I have a special group of people that do love and support me day in and day out... Those are my heroes because it takes a hero to go through this disease with someone. I know that it's as heartbreaking for them to go through the day in and day out things of this disease with me. I just know that I could not make it through any of this without them. You can not understand how it feels for someone you love to have cancer until you have someone you love that has cancer. It's mentally exhausting.  It hurts me and I know it hurts the ones that love me to most just as much. 

The one other tough thing is.... still trying to be a loving, caring, nurturing mom through all of this. Trying to make a 6 year old understand why I can't get up and why I can't open my eyes to play with her is hard. She has the most inward view of this disease. She understands a lot more than I can even give her credit for. A 6 year understanding and dealing day in and day out of cancer is hard and completely and utterly unfair. Breaks my heart every time she has to face something new with me. Last week she had to learn all about pricking your finger and testing your glucose. It makes me sad. She should be playing baby dolls and being sheltered from this disease. I can't do that when I am her full time care taker. She wants to be with me. She comforts me more than she will ever know. She gives me the strength to keep this heartbreaking process going. The bond that we have is nothing short of amazing. I am loved by her... I am truly unconditionally loved by her. 

The other morning she was full of questions which gave me a great idea, we have decided to write a book together.  I thought I wanted to name it "Nobody will ever love you as much as your mama does" Then at the mall yesterday I found a shirt that say's "Live Your Life" (which I am wearing for my pet scan today) and I think that title totally suits the book much better. We will see. I have been asking her lots of questions on her feelings and I have had her draw pictures that almost take my breath away. I think sharing cancer through her eyes is something she will hold dear forever. I told her I want to donate 20% of profit to the  liver cancer group I am now a part of... The Georgia Liver Coalition , and the other part I want put away for her college tuition and her wedding. Maybe we will sell a lot of books and maybe we wont...but... whatever we make goes to a great cause and through that I feel a sense of happiness through the understanding of a disease with a little 6 year old leading the way. 

There are high's and low's of this disease. Today, I pray for a high. I pray to God that my Pet Scan shows no activity in any of the tumors. Today as I lay on that machine and have it scan my body for this horrible monster I pray this monster is defeated and gone from my life forever. There are days I fear every thing and others I fear nothing at all. I share this journey from my heart ... From the very being of my soul because I have to be open and honest with all of you because it makes me be open and honest with myself. 

There are things that I could go on and on about ... Things that I don't like that other people do or don't do. But honestly for once in my life this journey is about me. I am about me and I will forever be a changed person for going through all of this. I am in no way ever fighting with someone again. I am going to tell people my feelings and leave things where they lay. I don't need to have the last word or to try and make any one feel guilty about what they did or didn't do because at this point in my life you are either with me or you are without me. It's as simple as that.... It took getting cancer and going through all of this to realize the true simplicity of what that really means. 

Blog #58... My incredible REWARD~!!!

Last Wednesday… I saw my oncologist; I was not feeling well at all. I was having all kinds of stomach issues, so much pain in my abdomen that he said he could hear the roaring without even using the stethoscope. He agreed that I didn't need to do chemo that day, he asked when my next procedure was going to be, I told him Dr. Chamsuddin would be back on the 10^th of November and he was planning on getting the last fraction of the tumor on my liver with the chemo and burning the one spot on my lung when he returned.

  Dr. Carter said I could take a break from the chemo until after the next procedure.  That was music to my ears! I was happy to hear I could get a 3 week break, and allow this worn out, damaged body of mine to heal a little and rebuild itself for the next round of procedures and chemo treatments.  In the meantime they were concerned about my pancreases, as it was very tender in that area and Dr. Carters PA order a pancreases blood test to rule out pancreatitis.  I was stressing for days over that test. Who wants something else to go wrong when you are fighting one monster, I worried until Friday when the PA called and said my pancreases levels were a little elevated but it was not anything to worry about.  Dodged that bullet, and I was a happy girl. My cancer marker also came back it went from 287 to 278. Not down much, but hey… it went down and didn't go up and that’s what being cured is all about.

Friday I felt good, Saturday & Sunday I felt awesome. I felt like me again, it brought tears to my eyes several times over the weekend. Just the fact that I felt like getting out of the house, and doing things that I had not done since I found out I was sick . The joy of not hurting,  and not having to sit down because I was tired. The happiness of realizing that how bad I have felt over the last 6 months is not going to last forever. That when it’s all done and I am through with all the procedures and chemo that I will feel good again. I needed that reminder. I needed to feel good again to reboot me for the next rounds of procedures and chemo. I told someone over the weekend I felt like feeling this good was my reward for all that I have been through so far.  It’s mentally hard to go through all that I have been through. Your mind can play tricks on you. Not that you want it to… it’s just that it gets so involved in what is happening in the now and it’s like it wants you somehow to believe that you will always feel this way. I know now I will not  and I am so blessed to have had such a good weekend. I almost forgot that I am a cancer patient … I don’t think I could ever forget all the way but I allowed myself to put it on hold in my mind and enjoy the happiness that the weekend offered.

Saturday, I took Evan and Landon to my friends little girl Christen’s birthday party. They had a blow up jumpy and those two monkeys had the time of their little lives playing with the kids and just being outside on such a gorgeous day.  Landon did not  spend the night because when it gets dark and bed time he wants his mommy or daddy so I told him I would pick him up the next afternoon for the other birthday party on Sunday.  Saturday night we went to my friend Tonya’s Halloween party it was a lot of fun and the kids had a blast on the hayride.  Sunday we met some special friends at Mellow Mushroom for lunch, went to the other birthday party and once again enjoyed a hayride.  Then we ended the weekend at a church carnival, where the kids had a great time playing games.  When we first got to the carnival we decided tot do the cake walk, well Landon and I did, Evan wasn't having any part in it. After the first go round, the music stopped, the announcer called #25 and there was Landon standing on the 25. He won the cake walk and his face in that moment he won was priceless. I had no down time this weekend and to be perfectly honest, I didn't need it. 

The weekend was awesome. I spent it with two of the people that mean the most in the world to me.  All weekend at random times out of the blue my little girl would come up to me and ask “Mama, you feeling okay?’ I could honestly tell her that I was… But, each time she asked me I would think about what the question truly meant. How much this disease affects my sweet and innocent little girl’s life too, she worries about me …probably more than anyone else in this world. She sees the every day in and out of this disease and it truly almost breaks my heart that she has to see it and deal with it. I know that she strong but no little 6 year old should have to be this strong. What other choice do I have? I have to be a mother, I want to be her mother, sick or not, I want her with me all the time. She is what keeps me going at times. She loves me unconditionally and for me that is my REASON to fight for my life.

When I am well, she is going to be so happy … We are going to do all the things we have been missing out on over these last 9 months. I have an agenda. I want to be done with all my procedures and chemo by the one year anniversary of my diagnosis. I am hoping that that is realistic. 2/6/2015 I want to be cancer free. I want to be back to my life and full force in accomplishing any and every goal that I set forth for myself.

I tell Evan all the time that every single day mama is getting better (whether or not I believed it at the time) I just know that God is with me. That all the people that pray for me, support me, encourage me, and care about me is what is saving my life. That I have a purpose in life, I never knew what it would be and I am not sure that I know how to go about what I feel is my purpose but I know that I want to give hope and guidance to other people facing the same fate that I was told I was facing.  Liver cancer isn't always a death sentence. I want that clear pet scan so I can send a letter to every single one of the oncologist that gave me no hope

except for chemo and 12 months to live that if they would open their minds and hearts to something new and could possibly save more of their patients lives.  The old school way of medicine isn't the most inventive or life saving way of handling patients and their cures. Every time I tell someone how Dr. Chamsuddin tells me all the time I am not suppose to be here, it tears me up. It’s those words that I mean I should be dead by now that rip me up inside. I chose the route I felt right in my heart about. I chose the doctor that I felt would give me the best chance at my life, and I rolled the dice. Something I knew nothing about, I researched on the internet but you really never know the side effects or the outcome until you try something. I was willing to try anything to save my life and that gamble brought me right here… so far… 98% cancer free. The u-turn of my cancer…and the chance at a long and happy life. I am blessed, I am amazed, and I am forever grateful!

After this little break and feeling so darn good that I have been rewarded with I am ready for another battle. Another chance at getting cancer free…. and being given a chance that most people are not given. I wish I could make every day for the rest of my life perfect. Life doesn't work that way… We all have our good and bad days we take them as they come and we make the best of what we have to do. So, I am not waiting on the chemo until after the procedure. I have my next appointment a week from today and I think that I am going to tell him lets do the chemo next week again. I don’t want to chance this monster spreading and there is a reason behind why I do the chemo … I am revived and ready to start again. Life is always about the little breaks to rebuild yourself and to keep going no matter what all you have going on in life. That’s why the work week is 5 days a week with a 2 day break.

I wanted to post the pictures of the weekend. These are the moments of my life that mean the most to see these two so happy and enjoying the day. This journey is hard but these moments of happiness make all that pain worth every second I have endured.

Don’t cry for me…. pray for me….

Blog #57... Don't hurt my feelings....

It was  a tough weekend. I did the fluids, thinking that it would help with the side effects of the chemo. The only thing it did was make my inner gut  hurt worse. It made me feel. so  full and I felt like I could be one of those balloons hanging on the wall at the fair, that you throw the metal arrows at and pop the balloon for a prize.Except there was no prize at the end of this game.  I was in pain and there seemed to be nothing I could do to make the pain go away. So, I laid there all day Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. I would take my pain pills and just sleep on and off as much as I could. 

The chemo gets me every time. There is nothing that seems to make me feel better. I got a new prescription filled on Saturday which cost me $220.00 and the only thing it really did was give me a headache... something I really had not had before now. So, I guess you can assume I will not be taking that medicine again.  It is suppose to help with the digestive system where the pancreas is slacking, I would rather just suffer through all that than I would adding any other side effects to this horrible disease

 On these days that I am bed , I am not able to get up and do anything to myself. No makeup, no wig, no clothes ...other than pj's no nothing just brush my teeth, eat what I can and drink as much as I can. I get up and take hot baths and as I pass myself in the mirror I avoid looking at that person that I no longer recognize. She is not the person I was 8 months ago, mentally, physically, nor emotionally. I still see parts of myself in the mirror when I am fixed up but I don't like the part of me I see when I am not. Call me selfish and vain, I don't care, When you step into my shoes and you feel the every day fighting for your life you would understand it too! 


I was telling my brother in tears today (which I always feel bad when I have those breakdown moments and he is the one I am sharing with, because he really doesn't know what to say) ...that it's almost as if when I am feeling good enough to get out of the house, I need to go places where I don't know anyone. Where someone is not looking at me, judging me and saying you need to gain some weight, you are too skinny. I swear I don't think I can take another person saying that to me. I feel judged by a disease that is doing the best it can to take my life away from me, and I have to stand there in front of someone telling me how skinny I am. Don't judge me. Don't judge anyone. If you don't have something nice to say to me, don't say anything at all. It's hurtful .. It hurts me and makes me cry, not that I would dare let the person see that, but it does. I have to live my life so far from the way I use to and it's so not fair the way I have to justify myself and my weight. I don't ask for anyone's opinion and unless you are sick or have been through what I am going through you have no idea how hard of a battle this really is. I cry enough... I don't need the hurt from other people to make me cry too! All my family and friends I talk to about this make excuses for people, there is no excuse. I am giving this battle 150% of myself. I focus every single moment of my life on getting better. I do things I don't want to do but I do them because I want to live. I want to see my baby grow up.

 I don't want to lose this battle! I cry because the chemo takes me to the brink of heartache every single week I do it, and  when I get up and feel better I am so happy. Then.... someone always hurts my feelings. I am not a punching bag. I am a strong woman but I am only as strong as my heart and soul will allow me to be. Now... I wish we would not have put off the next procedure until 11/10 I wish we would have done it last week. I want this nightmare to end. I want to be in remission. I beg God every single night to save me. To heal me from this pain, this misery, this scariest thing I could ever go through in my life. I want to be on the other end of this disease helping others. 

I know this isn't just happening to me, it happens to so many people when they get sick, they get the same crap they have to deal with, with other people that generally have nothing to do with their inner circle of support and friendship. . I just know that until you have cancer  you have NO IDEA how it feels. Even my doctors have no idea how this feels.The mental stress of this disease is tough. I called a friend today that lost her mother a couple of years ago  and all I could do was cry and apologize to her that I had not been there for them more because first hand I know what it feels like. I would have never known that if I had not been sick, and that's a shame. 

I am up at work today. I don't feel normal but I felt good enough to come in and do my job. It always makes me smile to be able to get out of the house and come to work. I was a workaholic. I love my career and I am so grateful to the families that are my clients that stand by me and support me through this difficult time.  I am fortunate that I can work and make a living from home and/or at the office.  

Things are going to get better. I am done crying over something someone else has said, but listen don't hurt people. Think about the things you say before you say them. It's not even about me being sick it's just showing compassion and concern for your fellow friend!  

Don't cry for me pray for me... and don't say I am SKINNY! 

Blog #54 ....Independence ....

Last night, I was meeting my working liver cancer group, we were meeting in midtown at Topflr, it’s a trendy little restaurant and what was so great about me going is... I drove myself there You have no idea what a huge accomplishment that is. ... I have always been independent and would drive any where at any time since I was 16 years old ....I have lost a lot of my independence with this disease...

Last night, I was driving down Ponce with the window down and my radio blaring in the wind as I drove to meet with some amazing people. It hit me as I was driving, I was alone. I was driving myself downtown and in the late afternoon to do something I wanted to do. It's a feeling I just can't explain, other than to know that since May of this year  I have pretty much been  confined to home, work, hospital, and doctors office. That has been my life and not doing the chemo this week has allowed me to find some energy and strength that I just have not had in months. The rush of feeling good enough to get out and do things is very exciting to me. I felt almost like a whole person again. I felt free. That my friend is worth all the suffering I have to go through to get my freedom and my life back... It's amazing that in these times that I have been able to pick myself up again, I can see more of the beauty and joys of life. I see the world differently. I see myself differently more than anything else. I hope that when the day comes and I am in """"remission""""" that I can get myself motivated to continue writing my book. I don't have the drive to do it right now. I will pull up my book every once in a while and write a little something. My heart just isn't on that and my mind isn't prepared to focus on it either right now. 

Tonight, I am driving Evan and me over to watch my niece, Georgia Ann, play softball. I have not gone to any of my sister’s kid’s games this whole year, and I tried to go as much as I could in the past. I hope Georgia will be surprised and happy to see us there. It's a stretch for me but I think that it's important to me to go and to enjoy the things I have always loved to do. I had planned on going so many times this year and when the time came I wasn't feeling good enough to go ... That has been painful for me too. To plan and want to do something and then have to back out because of how this disease makes me feel. Tonight cancer can kiss my ass, I am going and I will be cheering my sweet niece on to victory! 

In some ways your life truly becomes a prisoner to this disease. My life has revolved around getting better. About beating this monster and doing it with a vengeance... I don't regret that decision, in any way because I am fighting this to win. I am fighting this to rid my body of this monster 100% ... Nothing else will do for me  nor for Dr. Chamsuddin. .When I told my oncologist Wednesday that I could not do treatment because last week wore me out and I had just had another procedure done two weeks before, he looked at me and said "What's up with that guy, did he buy himself a new boat or something?" I laughed but to me it really wasn't that funny. I don't like being challenged about the decisions that I make. I do chemo with the oncologist office, and everything else is between Dr. Chamsuddin and I.... Hmmm!  I would go with the recommendation from the Interventional Radiologist long before I would go with what the Oncologist says any day! That is a fact..... At one of my appointments my oncologist said he would like to look at the pet scan on his system. I gave him the disc but it would not down load apparently on his old system, he said I would not know what I was looking for anyways. I found that odd. But, the radiologist is the confirmation of the cancer by biopsy or whatever form of confirmation they chose to use. I have learned a lot about medical systems and to be honest too many times the patients suffer and get misdiagnosed because someone has dropped the ball and those doctors are not the one's that suffer it's the patient and their love ones left behind. I simply know a little bit about this disease, I try to learn something new every day about the disease I have but there are so many different forms of cancer and so many different ways to treat certain things. I just know that I don't have the knowledge nor the education to make the life altering decisions for myself and therefore, I put my faith, hope, trust, and desires into a doctor that has been there for me and been fighting this battle beside me all the way. I think about the way I have been treated and cared for and I am so appreciative of all the chances I have been given to make things better for my life. 

I know Dr. Chamsuddin has a lot of patients. He has treated more than I could probably count; I just want him to know that I have to be the most appreciative one that he will ever have. My family loves him, we get tickled at him a lot especially the last time I saw him.  He came by my hospital room on second day, I was in the hospital and told me to go home, I told him I was being released by the doctor on the floor and was just waiting on him to sign me out ... He said "You need to gain weight or I am not going to treat you" I laughed and told him.... "I am not going anywhere I will stalk you, you are totally stuck with me" He laughed, we all laughed. I had not thought about the pressure I put on him writing my blog.. I am sure sometimes he will pull one up to read and roll his eyes at something I have had to say. I just know that without him and his incredible talents I would not be here. I would already be gone. I would be a distant memory in the lives of so many as my family cried for me every day.  When I first got sick I remember my sister calling me crying and telling me she wouldn't want to go on in life without me... Those things take your heart strings and can choke you up in a second. I know I am loved. I may not have always known that my whole life, but I know more than I have ever before now, I am and there is no greater feeling. I know through all that I have been through I will live much longer than we ever thought I would 8 months ago. I can still in my mind see that doctor’s face in the emergency room with tears in his eyes telling me I have liver cancer and it was really bad. I don't think I will ever forget that moment in my life. Those words and that morning were a life changer for sure. Nothing anyone had ever said to me before ever hurt that bad. It was painful. So painful that I would not allow myself to believe I would die. I have told myself throughout this journey that "I will not die” I am needed here, I have a 6 year old to protect and raise. Evan has been through every single day of this hell with me, but we both still wake up every day with a smile on our face, and we keep going. I love that little girl. When I was 40, single, and pregnant I questioned my sanity... and now I know that she's what keeps me going. She is my little rock.....

Life is short...... Today... is all we have and we may not always have that. It's never easy facing any tough things (decisions) in life. You make your choices in life and then you are left to face the consequences of those decisions, and most times it's not until years later when you are facing them. I have not always made the best choices in life, I smoked for many years, I worked harder than I guess I should have at times, I cared more about money, nice homes, and status than I cared about myself for many years. I have hurt other people and I have been hurt. I have always remained accountable for my actions and for the longest time I blamed myself for things that went wrong when I had nothing really to do with those things. I don't feel that way anymore. I close the past and for me I am looking into the future for my happiness. I have forgiven myself for all my wrong doings and that is all that matters. I just see so many people living in the past. So many people that suffer and blame themselves for everything that just isn't even worth worrying about. Happiness is a choice ... Happiness is so important for a good life... A carefree happy person will live a lot longer then a resentful and self inflicted pain person ever will. Let go and be happy! 

Don’t cry for me  … Pray for me…. Thank you all for your love and support ….