Blog #72 ..Chemo and how the treatments work....

I had a friend from high school come and sit with me at chemo this week. I have seen her randomly over the years out and about, but not had a chance to really sit down and us talk about things in a long time. It was great seeing her and it's amazing the people that take time out of their day to come and keep me company, it means a lot. 

Before I went back for my treatment, as we were sitting together in the lobby she asked about what goes on with chemo. I guess I thought that people knew what chemo was about and what happens when I go for my treatments. I realized I was wrong and therefore, I have decided to share that part of the story with you all today so that it's not a mystery and there are no real assumptions about how it works. 

I get there and sign in, I am called back and taken into a little room where they take my blood pressure, temperature, and check my oxygen levels. Next they  take this alcohol swab thing that they rub on the port area on my chest for about 45 seconds to clean the area. The port is surgically inserted into my chest, which I had done on my first visit with Dr. Chamsuddin. The port gives them access to  your veins  without having to put a needle into veins  each time you get the treatments. The port for me is uncomfortable sometimes. It sticks out on my chest more than most, because I am thin... but it serves the purpose of what I need it for so I really have no choice but to leave it there. Some people have them in their arms and that would frustrate me so I am glad it is in my chest.  After cleaning the area there is a plastic line that has a needle like thing on the end that they insert into your chest that snaps down into the port so that it can access taking your blood and for giving you the treatments. It's not that painful and there is an ointment that I was prescribed at the the very beginning that you can put on an hour before you go that will numb the area, I always forget to use...so I guess the pain isn't that bad. When they are accessing the port you have to wear a mask, every single person in the room has to wear one. Most people that come with me, step out because they don't like seeing all of that. Believe me I understand. I have gotten to be a pro at it over the last 8 months. I could almost do it all on myself these days. I don't think they would let me tho. 

Once they have drawn the blood and they have used saline and heparin pushed into the line to keep the line cleared out and accessible they cover the port area with a plastic bandage and we are able to take off the mask then. I am excused to the transfusion area  where I pick a recliner and find my friends I sit with each week to catch up on how things have gone with each of us. It takes about 20 minutes for the blood work to be processed. They do that to make sure your white cell count, and platelet's, along with a few other things are good enough that your body can withstand the chemo treatment for the week. The nurse get's the results and comes over and goes over everything and they get you all set up for the treatment. 

It works just like getting fluids at the hospital with the line in your arm, there are lots of tubing and the tubing connects to the port and the medicine goes in. Each week I first get a 20 minute bag of nausea medicine, steroid, and then the chemo... The whole process from walking into their doors to when I leave is 3 hours. It seems like a long time but actually it's okay. I am mentally fine until the time for the chemo. I just hate when they come over all geared up in plastic dressings and have to administer the chemo... Something about them covering themselves up and me having to put that into my vein un-nerves me each time. I do it though even though I do not like it. 

The bell rings on the administering machine and I am happy to be getting out of there. I am on the same schedule 2 weeks on and 1 week off. I have not always done my treatments that way because of all the procedures I have had but I am there in their office every week regardless getting my blood work done. I have not missed a week being there. I don't see the doctor but every 3rd week and sometimes I just see the PA. We just go over my progress and wait for the cancer marker and the cancer to be completely gone off the pet scan and then we are going to make a plan. I have a plan in my mind. Clear pet scan 2 more treatments and I am done. Let's hope this next procedure gets all the remaining cancer and I can be on this plan I have have so diligently set up in my mind. 

My friend the other day thought that you got into a machine and the lasers gave you the chemo that is what made me decide to share the story of how this chemo process works. People don't know.I didn't know ... It's not as simple as it may seem but it's not as hard as it could be either. 

I have to share a story of a loss of someone that I never met but had the chance to try to help. I was referred to talk to someone that was considering doing the same process of treatments that I have been through. The wife called me last week and she was so upset that she felt and saw that he was getting worse. I did a few things I thought I could do to help. I followed up this week to check on him and left a message. I had not heard back from her and saw on FB yesterday that a friend of mine was friends with the person and he had passed away. It broke my heart ...It's sad hearing of someone else loosing their life to this horrible disease. I wish that I could have saved him. I wish I could save the world. I am just me.... and I am still trying to save myself and hoping to do what I can for others along my own journey.  

Chemo this week went okay. I am actually feeling pretty good today which is rare. Maybe it's helping with me taking iron pills. Who knows, that is the only thing I changed. I am hoping to feel good this weekend but not actually expecting it. 

Thanks for following my blog. Hope you learned something today about chemo treatments and maybe if you or someone you love may be facing this you can have a better understanding of what to expect! 

Don't cry for me.... Pray for me.... 

Blog #54 ....Independence ....

Last night, I was meeting my working liver cancer group, we were meeting in midtown at Topflr, it’s a trendy little restaurant and what was so great about me going is... I drove myself there You have no idea what a huge accomplishment that is. ... I have always been independent and would drive any where at any time since I was 16 years old ....I have lost a lot of my independence with this disease...

Last night, I was driving down Ponce with the window down and my radio blaring in the wind as I drove to meet with some amazing people. It hit me as I was driving, I was alone. I was driving myself downtown and in the late afternoon to do something I wanted to do. It's a feeling I just can't explain, other than to know that since May of this year  I have pretty much been  confined to home, work, hospital, and doctors office. That has been my life and not doing the chemo this week has allowed me to find some energy and strength that I just have not had in months. The rush of feeling good enough to get out and do things is very exciting to me. I felt almost like a whole person again. I felt free. That my friend is worth all the suffering I have to go through to get my freedom and my life back... It's amazing that in these times that I have been able to pick myself up again, I can see more of the beauty and joys of life. I see the world differently. I see myself differently more than anything else. I hope that when the day comes and I am in """"remission""""" that I can get myself motivated to continue writing my book. I don't have the drive to do it right now. I will pull up my book every once in a while and write a little something. My heart just isn't on that and my mind isn't prepared to focus on it either right now. 

Tonight, I am driving Evan and me over to watch my niece, Georgia Ann, play softball. I have not gone to any of my sister’s kid’s games this whole year, and I tried to go as much as I could in the past. I hope Georgia will be surprised and happy to see us there. It's a stretch for me but I think that it's important to me to go and to enjoy the things I have always loved to do. I had planned on going so many times this year and when the time came I wasn't feeling good enough to go ... That has been painful for me too. To plan and want to do something and then have to back out because of how this disease makes me feel. Tonight cancer can kiss my ass, I am going and I will be cheering my sweet niece on to victory! 

In some ways your life truly becomes a prisoner to this disease. My life has revolved around getting better. About beating this monster and doing it with a vengeance... I don't regret that decision, in any way because I am fighting this to win. I am fighting this to rid my body of this monster 100% ... Nothing else will do for me  nor for Dr. Chamsuddin. .When I told my oncologist Wednesday that I could not do treatment because last week wore me out and I had just had another procedure done two weeks before, he looked at me and said "What's up with that guy, did he buy himself a new boat or something?" I laughed but to me it really wasn't that funny. I don't like being challenged about the decisions that I make. I do chemo with the oncologist office, and everything else is between Dr. Chamsuddin and I.... Hmmm!  I would go with the recommendation from the Interventional Radiologist long before I would go with what the Oncologist says any day! That is a fact..... At one of my appointments my oncologist said he would like to look at the pet scan on his system. I gave him the disc but it would not down load apparently on his old system, he said I would not know what I was looking for anyways. I found that odd. But, the radiologist is the confirmation of the cancer by biopsy or whatever form of confirmation they chose to use. I have learned a lot about medical systems and to be honest too many times the patients suffer and get misdiagnosed because someone has dropped the ball and those doctors are not the one's that suffer it's the patient and their love ones left behind. I simply know a little bit about this disease, I try to learn something new every day about the disease I have but there are so many different forms of cancer and so many different ways to treat certain things. I just know that I don't have the knowledge nor the education to make the life altering decisions for myself and therefore, I put my faith, hope, trust, and desires into a doctor that has been there for me and been fighting this battle beside me all the way. I think about the way I have been treated and cared for and I am so appreciative of all the chances I have been given to make things better for my life. 

I know Dr. Chamsuddin has a lot of patients. He has treated more than I could probably count; I just want him to know that I have to be the most appreciative one that he will ever have. My family loves him, we get tickled at him a lot especially the last time I saw him.  He came by my hospital room on second day, I was in the hospital and told me to go home, I told him I was being released by the doctor on the floor and was just waiting on him to sign me out ... He said "You need to gain weight or I am not going to treat you" I laughed and told him.... "I am not going anywhere I will stalk you, you are totally stuck with me" He laughed, we all laughed. I had not thought about the pressure I put on him writing my blog.. I am sure sometimes he will pull one up to read and roll his eyes at something I have had to say. I just know that without him and his incredible talents I would not be here. I would already be gone. I would be a distant memory in the lives of so many as my family cried for me every day.  When I first got sick I remember my sister calling me crying and telling me she wouldn't want to go on in life without me... Those things take your heart strings and can choke you up in a second. I know I am loved. I may not have always known that my whole life, but I know more than I have ever before now, I am and there is no greater feeling. I know through all that I have been through I will live much longer than we ever thought I would 8 months ago. I can still in my mind see that doctor’s face in the emergency room with tears in his eyes telling me I have liver cancer and it was really bad. I don't think I will ever forget that moment in my life. Those words and that morning were a life changer for sure. Nothing anyone had ever said to me before ever hurt that bad. It was painful. So painful that I would not allow myself to believe I would die. I have told myself throughout this journey that "I will not die” I am needed here, I have a 6 year old to protect and raise. Evan has been through every single day of this hell with me, but we both still wake up every day with a smile on our face, and we keep going. I love that little girl. When I was 40, single, and pregnant I questioned my sanity... and now I know that she's what keeps me going. She is my little rock.....

Life is short...... Today... is all we have and we may not always have that. It's never easy facing any tough things (decisions) in life. You make your choices in life and then you are left to face the consequences of those decisions, and most times it's not until years later when you are facing them. I have not always made the best choices in life, I smoked for many years, I worked harder than I guess I should have at times, I cared more about money, nice homes, and status than I cared about myself for many years. I have hurt other people and I have been hurt. I have always remained accountable for my actions and for the longest time I blamed myself for things that went wrong when I had nothing really to do with those things. I don't feel that way anymore. I close the past and for me I am looking into the future for my happiness. I have forgiven myself for all my wrong doings and that is all that matters. I just see so many people living in the past. So many people that suffer and blame themselves for everything that just isn't even worth worrying about. Happiness is a choice ... Happiness is so important for a good life... A carefree happy person will live a lot longer then a resentful and self inflicted pain person ever will. Let go and be happy! 

Don’t cry for me  … Pray for me…. Thank you all for your love and support ….