Last night, I was driving down Ponce with the window down and my
radio blaring in the wind as I drove to meet with some amazing people. It hit
me as I was driving, I was alone. I was driving myself downtown and in the late
afternoon to do something I wanted to do. It's a feeling I just can't explain,
other than to know that since May of this year I have pretty much been
confined to home, work, hospital, and doctors office. That has been my
life and not doing the chemo this week has allowed me to find some energy and
strength that I just have not had in months. The rush of feeling good enough to
get out and do things is very exciting to me. I felt almost like a whole person
again. I felt free. That my friend is worth all the suffering I have to go
through to get my freedom and my life back... It's amazing that in these times
that I have been able to pick myself up again, I can see more of the beauty and
joys of life. I see the world differently. I see myself differently more than
anything else. I hope that when the day comes and I am in
""""remission""""" that I can get
myself motivated to continue writing my book. I don't have the drive to do it
right now. I will pull up my book every once in a while and write a little
something. My heart just isn't on that and my mind isn't prepared to focus on
it either right now.
Tonight, I am driving Evan and me over to watch my niece,
Georgia Ann, play softball. I have not gone to any of my sister’s kid’s games
this whole year, and I tried to go as much as I could in the past. I hope
Georgia will be surprised and happy to see us there. It's a stretch for me but
I think that it's important to me to go and to enjoy the things I have always
loved to do. I had planned on going so many times this year and when the time
came I wasn't feeling good enough to go ... That has been painful for me too.
To plan and want to do something and then have to back out because of how this
disease makes me feel. Tonight cancer can kiss my ass, I am going and I will be
cheering my sweet niece on to victory!
In some ways your life truly becomes a prisoner to this disease.
My life has revolved around getting better. About beating this monster and doing
it with a vengeance... I don't regret that decision, in any way because I am
fighting this to win. I am fighting this to rid my body of this monster 100%
... Nothing else will do for me nor for Dr. Chamsuddin. .When I told my
oncologist Wednesday that I could not do treatment because last week wore me
out and I had just had another procedure done two weeks before, he looked at me
and said "What's up with that guy, did he buy himself a new boat or
something?" I laughed but to me it really wasn't that funny. I don't like
being challenged about the decisions that I make. I do chemo with the
oncologist office, and everything else is between Dr. Chamsuddin and I....
Hmmm! I would go with the recommendation from the Interventional
Radiologist long before I would go with what the Oncologist says any day! That
is a fact..... At one of my appointments my oncologist said he would like to
look at the pet scan on his system. I gave him the disc but it would not down
load apparently on his old system, he said I would not know what I was looking
for anyways. I found that odd. But, the radiologist is the confirmation of the
cancer by biopsy or whatever form of confirmation they chose to use. I have
learned a lot about medical systems and to be honest too many times the
patients suffer and get misdiagnosed because someone has dropped the ball and
those doctors are not the one's that suffer it's the patient and their love
ones left behind. I simply know a little bit about this disease, I try to learn
something new every day about the disease I have but there are so many
different forms of cancer and so many different ways to treat certain things. I
just know that I don't have the knowledge nor the education to make the life
altering decisions for myself and therefore, I put my faith, hope, trust, and
desires into a doctor that has been there for me and been fighting this battle
beside me all the way. I think about the way I have been treated and cared for
and I am so appreciative of all the chances I have been given to make things
better for my life.
I know Dr. Chamsuddin has a lot of patients. He has treated more
than I could probably count; I just want him to know that I have to be the most
appreciative one that he will ever have. My family loves him, we get tickled at
him a lot especially the last time I saw him. He came by my hospital room
on second day, I was in the hospital and told me to go home, I told him I was
being released by the doctor on the floor and was just waiting on him to sign
me out ... He said "You need to gain weight or I am not going to treat
you" I laughed and told him.... "I am not going anywhere I will stalk
you, you are totally stuck with me" He laughed, we all laughed. I had not
thought about the pressure I put on him writing my blog.. I am sure sometimes
he will pull one up to read and roll his eyes at something I have had to say. I
just know that without him and his incredible talents I would not be here. I
would already be gone. I would be a distant memory in the lives of so many as
my family cried for me every day. When I first got sick I remember my
sister calling me crying and telling me she wouldn't want to go on in life
without me... Those things take your heart strings and can choke you up in a
second. I know I am loved. I may not have always known that my whole life, but
I know more than I have ever before now, I am and there is no greater feeling.
I know through all that I have been through I will live much longer than we ever
thought I would 8 months ago. I can still in my mind see that doctor’s face in
the emergency room with tears in his eyes telling me I have liver cancer and it
was really bad. I don't think I will ever forget that moment in my life. Those
words and that morning were a life changer for sure. Nothing anyone had ever
said to me before ever hurt that bad. It was painful. So painful that I would
not allow myself to believe I would die. I have told myself throughout this
journey that "I will not die” I am needed here, I have a 6 year old to
protect and raise. Evan has been through every single day of this hell with me,
but we both still wake up every day with a smile on our face, and we keep
going. I love that little girl. When I was 40, single, and pregnant I
questioned my sanity... and now I know that she's what keeps me going. She is
my little rock.....
Life is short...... Today... is all we have and we may not
always have that. It's never easy facing any tough things (decisions) in life.
You make your choices in life and then you are left to face the consequences of
those decisions, and most times it's not until years later when you are facing
them. I have not always made the best choices in life, I smoked for many years,
I worked harder than I guess I should have at times, I cared more about money,
nice homes, and status than I cared about myself for many years. I have hurt
other people and I have been hurt. I have always remained accountable for my
actions and for the longest time I blamed myself for things that went wrong
when I had nothing really to do with those things. I don't feel that way
anymore. I close the past and for me I am looking into the future for my
happiness. I have forgiven myself for all my wrong doings and that is all that
matters. I just see so many people living in the past. So many people that
suffer and blame themselves for everything that just isn't even worth worrying
about. Happiness is a choice ... Happiness is so important for a good life... A
carefree happy person will live a lot longer then a resentful and self
inflicted pain person ever will. Let go and be happy!
Don’t cry
for me … Pray for me…. Thank you all for
your love and support ….
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