Blog #59.. Spin the Bottle & Halloween!

I'm so grateful to be here and alive   . I am so glad that I have been able to overcome something that should have and would have taken my life... if I had given it half a chance. Yesterday, I got a call from one of the oncologist that told me previously (the last time I saw him in mid May) I was in denial of my disease... One that told me not to do the Y-90 as it is the last chance alternative after trying the chemo. When the lady called and said I had a $50.00 outstanding balance, I wanted to say tell Dr. So So that he could write that off, because he almost caused me to lose my life several months ago, and he owes me and  not me owing him a thing. I didn't say a word. I have a plan when this next pet scan comes back and all the tumors are gone in my liver I'm setting up some appointments with these oncologist and their closed minded ways and take the proof of what can happen if you open your mind to other possibilities. I am sure he knows that I am angry with him and I think that I might have a chance at proving some things to these doctors and maybe they will be willing to save more lives. The oncologist that I saw that told me I would be dead in 12 months needs to see and believe in what I have done before they will ever recommend it for anyone else. I have a purpose in all of this and believe me I am going to fulfill my purpose!  

I had a little set back on Tuesday night. Every bone in my body hurt, my throat, my back, and every where. I went to the see the oncologist on Wednesday they gave me half a bag of fluids and a z pack prescription for antibiotic's They worked and I am feeling much better. I had a fever and it's never a good thing when a cancer patient has a fever. I haven't had but that one this whole time and besides the side effects of the chemo and a little stomach aches I am doing pretty good with staying healthy. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that I stay away from people and crowds. 


 Today is Halloween, it's one of my favorite holiday's. I just love seeing all the costume's and the joy of the children's faces, especially my own children. I decided to record a message (click link below to watch the video) this morning. I was just sitting here at my desk, thinking about all the things I have to be thankful for and I know that this second chance at life I have been given is my greatest blessing of a life time. 

 https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10205088424240850&l=2249421424115403032


When I was a child my mother never took us out trick or treating except to the houses of the people we knew and she still checked the candy , as if someone we knew so well would try and poison us. Makes me laugh now. My mama was a worrier, and I see that so much in myself as well. I remember we would get out of school, walk down the hill home, and be in our costumes waiting for our mother to get home and take us to the 5 houses. We never got a lot of candy. I remember one year I got to go to a Halloween party and trick or treating afterwards. That is the first time I heard anything about spin the bottle. I remember I had to go into the closet and kiss someone, I just can not remember who it was. I remember the game just not the kiss. LOL ... I felt so big that day, I found a new independence when I got to go with my friends and get candy from a stranger.  All I really can remember is that one time doing that. It was enough. Memories are great. I hold so many memories in my mind, some are tucked away so far that it's almost as if I have forgotten them until something special triggers my mind and the memories come flooding outward. 


When Evan was a baby she would say "Happy Hallowing" Always made me laugh and now I say it to her, and she thinks it's stupid that I do it. I don't care some things just will always make me laugh.  Tonight we are going to be in our own neighborhood for the first time in Evan's little life. We always go to my sisters house. the problem is my sisters kids run off and leave her for  their own friends. Evan  is growing up and wants to be in the neighborhood where her own friends are. I understand, it makes me a little sad to break our tradition but we do what makes our children happy. Evan's father and sister are coming over and going with her too. Should be a great night! 

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me. 

Blog #54 ....Independence ....

Last night, I was meeting my working liver cancer group, we were meeting in midtown at Topflr, it’s a trendy little restaurant and what was so great about me going is... I drove myself there You have no idea what a huge accomplishment that is. ... I have always been independent and would drive any where at any time since I was 16 years old ....I have lost a lot of my independence with this disease...

Last night, I was driving down Ponce with the window down and my radio blaring in the wind as I drove to meet with some amazing people. It hit me as I was driving, I was alone. I was driving myself downtown and in the late afternoon to do something I wanted to do. It's a feeling I just can't explain, other than to know that since May of this year  I have pretty much been  confined to home, work, hospital, and doctors office. That has been my life and not doing the chemo this week has allowed me to find some energy and strength that I just have not had in months. The rush of feeling good enough to get out and do things is very exciting to me. I felt almost like a whole person again. I felt free. That my friend is worth all the suffering I have to go through to get my freedom and my life back... It's amazing that in these times that I have been able to pick myself up again, I can see more of the beauty and joys of life. I see the world differently. I see myself differently more than anything else. I hope that when the day comes and I am in """"remission""""" that I can get myself motivated to continue writing my book. I don't have the drive to do it right now. I will pull up my book every once in a while and write a little something. My heart just isn't on that and my mind isn't prepared to focus on it either right now. 

Tonight, I am driving Evan and me over to watch my niece, Georgia Ann, play softball. I have not gone to any of my sister’s kid’s games this whole year, and I tried to go as much as I could in the past. I hope Georgia will be surprised and happy to see us there. It's a stretch for me but I think that it's important to me to go and to enjoy the things I have always loved to do. I had planned on going so many times this year and when the time came I wasn't feeling good enough to go ... That has been painful for me too. To plan and want to do something and then have to back out because of how this disease makes me feel. Tonight cancer can kiss my ass, I am going and I will be cheering my sweet niece on to victory! 

In some ways your life truly becomes a prisoner to this disease. My life has revolved around getting better. About beating this monster and doing it with a vengeance... I don't regret that decision, in any way because I am fighting this to win. I am fighting this to rid my body of this monster 100% ... Nothing else will do for me  nor for Dr. Chamsuddin. .When I told my oncologist Wednesday that I could not do treatment because last week wore me out and I had just had another procedure done two weeks before, he looked at me and said "What's up with that guy, did he buy himself a new boat or something?" I laughed but to me it really wasn't that funny. I don't like being challenged about the decisions that I make. I do chemo with the oncologist office, and everything else is between Dr. Chamsuddin and I.... Hmmm!  I would go with the recommendation from the Interventional Radiologist long before I would go with what the Oncologist says any day! That is a fact..... At one of my appointments my oncologist said he would like to look at the pet scan on his system. I gave him the disc but it would not down load apparently on his old system, he said I would not know what I was looking for anyways. I found that odd. But, the radiologist is the confirmation of the cancer by biopsy or whatever form of confirmation they chose to use. I have learned a lot about medical systems and to be honest too many times the patients suffer and get misdiagnosed because someone has dropped the ball and those doctors are not the one's that suffer it's the patient and their love ones left behind. I simply know a little bit about this disease, I try to learn something new every day about the disease I have but there are so many different forms of cancer and so many different ways to treat certain things. I just know that I don't have the knowledge nor the education to make the life altering decisions for myself and therefore, I put my faith, hope, trust, and desires into a doctor that has been there for me and been fighting this battle beside me all the way. I think about the way I have been treated and cared for and I am so appreciative of all the chances I have been given to make things better for my life. 

I know Dr. Chamsuddin has a lot of patients. He has treated more than I could probably count; I just want him to know that I have to be the most appreciative one that he will ever have. My family loves him, we get tickled at him a lot especially the last time I saw him.  He came by my hospital room on second day, I was in the hospital and told me to go home, I told him I was being released by the doctor on the floor and was just waiting on him to sign me out ... He said "You need to gain weight or I am not going to treat you" I laughed and told him.... "I am not going anywhere I will stalk you, you are totally stuck with me" He laughed, we all laughed. I had not thought about the pressure I put on him writing my blog.. I am sure sometimes he will pull one up to read and roll his eyes at something I have had to say. I just know that without him and his incredible talents I would not be here. I would already be gone. I would be a distant memory in the lives of so many as my family cried for me every day.  When I first got sick I remember my sister calling me crying and telling me she wouldn't want to go on in life without me... Those things take your heart strings and can choke you up in a second. I know I am loved. I may not have always known that my whole life, but I know more than I have ever before now, I am and there is no greater feeling. I know through all that I have been through I will live much longer than we ever thought I would 8 months ago. I can still in my mind see that doctor’s face in the emergency room with tears in his eyes telling me I have liver cancer and it was really bad. I don't think I will ever forget that moment in my life. Those words and that morning were a life changer for sure. Nothing anyone had ever said to me before ever hurt that bad. It was painful. So painful that I would not allow myself to believe I would die. I have told myself throughout this journey that "I will not die” I am needed here, I have a 6 year old to protect and raise. Evan has been through every single day of this hell with me, but we both still wake up every day with a smile on our face, and we keep going. I love that little girl. When I was 40, single, and pregnant I questioned my sanity... and now I know that she's what keeps me going. She is my little rock.....

Life is short...... Today... is all we have and we may not always have that. It's never easy facing any tough things (decisions) in life. You make your choices in life and then you are left to face the consequences of those decisions, and most times it's not until years later when you are facing them. I have not always made the best choices in life, I smoked for many years, I worked harder than I guess I should have at times, I cared more about money, nice homes, and status than I cared about myself for many years. I have hurt other people and I have been hurt. I have always remained accountable for my actions and for the longest time I blamed myself for things that went wrong when I had nothing really to do with those things. I don't feel that way anymore. I close the past and for me I am looking into the future for my happiness. I have forgiven myself for all my wrong doings and that is all that matters. I just see so many people living in the past. So many people that suffer and blame themselves for everything that just isn't even worth worrying about. Happiness is a choice ... Happiness is so important for a good life... A carefree happy person will live a lot longer then a resentful and self inflicted pain person ever will. Let go and be happy! 

Don’t cry for me  … Pray for me…. Thank you all for your love and support ….

Blog #53... Lord.. I hope this day is good

Just a quick note. I am doing pretty good. Chemo last Wednesday was really rough  over the weekend and put me in the bed for several days . I missed out on the movie's with some good friends. But, I got my sister to come over and lay in the bed with me and watch Lifetime Movies all day and it totally lifted my spirits....

I wasn't able to get out of bed until Tuesday and I only worked half a day. I work wherever I am and I come into my office when I feel good enough to get out and about.  I saw the oncologist yesterday and talked him out of chemo for this week. I was just not feeling good and I know my body and what it could take and another round of chemo this week just wasn't an option. So next week we are back on the treatments again. In the meantime I am trying to rebuild my energy and be ready for the next round of whatever is in store for me. 

I have a CT Scan at Newton Medical planned for Monday at 9:00. It will show us how well the last procedure did  getting those 6 out of the 7 fractions of a tumor left. Hoping it got them all. I know for sure I have one more procedure to get the one that was left behind my liver and the other left on my lung. I was hoping that the chemo would get that one on my lung but after 5 months of treatment it hasn't gotten it at all. It's okay it will be gone soon enough. I'm so ready to hear what Dr. Chamsuddin has to say about the results. 

Tonight, I meet with my liver cancer working group. I am excited. We have had conference calls but tonight we all get to meet in person and I am looking forward to it. Anything I can do to help make a difference in the life of someone else with this horrible disease is what I want to be doing. I've had several people say I should worry about getting myself healed, I have been doing that for 8 months and I feel I am called to a higher understanding and giving for other people. Some people follow their hearts and some are just to busy worrying about themselves. I have a story of hope that most people facing liver cancer don't have and I want my story to be heard. It can make all the difference in the lives of other people and it gives me that warm and fuzzy feeling of stepping out and making my own difference in the world. 

Last week Evan (my 6 year old) came home and told me that her and her friends sit in the grass at recess and look for me a 4 leaf clover. It melted my heart.  Then several days later she said (so and so) said that even if we find a 4 leaf clover that it would not help your mama.Made me so mad. What is wrong with kids these days? I wonder if that little girl ever got a single day of nurturing in her life, because she has been so hateful for the last 2 years. Then... last night Evan came into my bedroom with a homemade card she had made and asking me how to spell best friends.  I looked at her and asked if the card was for me... She said "no, it is for so and so" I love Evan's sweet, caring, and forgiving spirit, she had long since forgotten how that little so and so hurt her feelings, but not this  mama! 

I have so many things to teach my daughter, I have so much left to say and do to help her live a long and happy life, and that is one of the main reasons I get up every day and fight this little monster that's been living inside of me. I want my daughter to be strong, secure, and confident in the person she is. She struggles sometimes and I know that is because it's so confusing with me being sick and she doesn't know how to express herself at times but to lash out and be mean to me. I laugh because I don't think that she even realizes how many times I have been through hateful attitudes in my lifetime. 

Things are moving forward. I got fluids yesterday and today I am feeling pretty good. Not great ...but good and hey, I will take that. It's so much better than feeling bad that is for sure! So my next blog post will be with posted results from the CT Scan. Praying for the best news possible. One of the hardest parts about being a cancer patient is seeing others with this horrible disease lose their battles. Each time it breaks my heart a little more. It's like we're in a club. We have the same fears, we get one another, and most times I have not met these people... it's just a bond that I could never put into words. We share our journey's with one another. The good and bad days of this diseases. It's painful to see others and to hear about them suffering. I could for that reason alone never be in the medical field.. no matter how much I would want to heal someone the pain of seeing or hearing about them losing their lives would be way to much for me to handle .....I wish I could put into words how much pain this disease has caused me. I don't know that I have ever hurt as much in my life, it hurt when I lost my mother 17 years ago. I see things so differently now. How the stupid things that use to hurt my feelings and would tear me down, don't really even hurt me anymore. I have become a selfish person through fighting this disease. I have become more dependent. I have lost so much of my independence. I have to have someone take care of me when I am down and out or I wouldn't be able to eat or have someone there to take care of Evan... It's tough it's tougher than tough,... I had no idea how painful mentally this disease could be until I got it. When I am free of it's chains I am going to be the person I have always wanted to be ... I have found comfort in some people and I have been beyond disappointed in others. I have heard more excuses in the last 8 months of why this and why that ... until I just want to burst out laughing in people's faces when they start that crap.  We do what we want to do. We are there for the people we want to be there for. We give to whom we want to give too. No one walks in this life alone and sometimes when you are faced with the things in life that hurt you, you understand what things should have meant to you in the times that they you were needed.  People come and go in life.  I can tell you in this time of my life the true and caring friends have stood out when I have needed them. Anytime I am having anything done they are there not leaving that hospital until the surgery is over and they know I am okay. I don't even think I tell those people enough how much I appreciate and love them. It feels good to know someone is out there waiting for me to wake up and they can see my face before moving on with their day. I don't know many people that would do that but I know the handful that do it every single time.  

I wish I could say when you get sick all you have to focus on is getting better, life doesn't work that way. Life still goes on and there are just a lot more things that need to be done to make sure the ship keeps sailing. 

I have had this song attached on my heart this week... I hope you will listen https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWKJJplYfNM

Don't cry for me Pray for me.. I believe... I am a miracle and I believe I can be the testimony for other peoples miracles in the future. 

Blog #37.... Rocky Days and Heartfelt Love ....

I've had a really tough go of the Y-90 treatment! For the first several days it was fine, I was pretty much bed ridden and needed the rest, but for the most part I felt really good, It wasn't until about a week after the treatment that I noticed my legs were swollen and while doing something special for my little daughter, I almost passed out in the American Girl store. I went home feeling defeated. I know that I can not expect to feel perfect after all that I have been through but I have never in my life been one, to feel tired and down. I needed rest and I needed to remind myself that the Y-90 treatment is a radiation that is put into my body and I needed to heal from the procedure. 

This past Sunday I woke up to the most miserable pain in my right shoulder than I have ever felt. A pain that I could not even describe where it started and stopped, it just felt like it was engulfing my shoulder and back with stabbing pain. My first thought was, the port has gotten infected. Since the doctor inserted the port the day of the Y-90 treatment it has not felt great. It is a rectangle box looking thing that sticks out under the skin and a tube that goes up to my neck. It's not the most pleasant thing, and besides it's a foreign thing inside my body. I got my neighbor to drive me to the hospital. I was not and will not take any chances with my body. I have to listen to what it's telling me, and if there is pain, I want to know the source and should be proactive with making sure every thing is working the way it's suppose to. When I got the ER the doctor said, he did not think it was the port, it looked good to him but at my request they would do a chest x-ray and a ultrasound, just to be sure.  There could be numerous things wrong, the port could have been infected, I could have had a blood clot, or the port had shifted and hit a nerve. 

 I wanted answers and I was not leaving the hospital until I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this port was not my complication. After the test, the doctor said the port looks perfect, the position is perfect and there appears to be no blood clots. He said that it may have shifted some and may be on a nerve and prescribed me some more pain medicine and sent me home. I went home and rested the rest of the day, and when I woke Monday morning the pain so so intense I was screaming in pain and crying. Luckily, my doctor that performed the surgery called and said that the right shoulder pain is from the radiation getting into and killing the cancer cells and they are hitting a nerve that is generating from my liver up to my shoulder. I knew he was telling me the truth because on my first liver biopsy, he hit a nerve that day that caused a lot of right shoulder pain that went away within an hour. My doctor was so happy I was in such pain, and advised me to call the oncologist and have him prescribe me morphine for the pain.  After taking the morphine, I felt like a vegetable, I took it every 4 hours like clock work, until the next morning, when I took it, it made me feel so out of control and so bad that I was determined that I could deal with pain more than I could deal with the way that morphine made me feel. It was crazy. I stopped taking it several days ago and I have to be honest I never want to take that stuff again. I am alive and I want to feel alive and taking that took something mentally away from me that I just can not deal with!

 

This disease is something that takes the heart and soul of the person with the disease and it's as if you are put on a roller coaster facing the up's and down's.. but it is almost as if you are blind folded because you can not see nor feel when the next rise and fall is going to be.The things that take your breath away in a blink of an eye.

I wish I never was faced with this disease. The ER doctor said "You don't fit the profile for liver cancer, You look so good I would have never know you were as sick as you are" I have to say this is what makes this disease so hard for me. It's almost as if I don't believe I am sick when I look at myself in the mirror, but the further along I go into the process of recovery I feel the effects I had not felt before of the disease. Maybe it's not even the disease it's the side effects of this disease that effects me. 

Cancer really sucks. Being told you have a certain life expectancy is hard. I had to change oncologist when I decided to do the Y-90 treatment because my traditional, old fashioned doctor said he didn't believe in it. His only solution for me was chemo and I had been told several times that would not save my life. I am not in this battle to live until tomorrow or next week. I am the warrior doing everything I can so that in 15 -30 years I am still here and living a good life. I only have hope and my faith and for anyone to challenge either of those things isn't good. I am going to win or lose this battle on my terms, the things I believe in, the things that give me HOPE and if someone isn't on board with that, than they are on the wrong healing ship! 

I am not in denial of this disease, what I am is a woman fighting for every right that she has to save her life. To leave no stone unturned in trying to find the right way to heal me and cure this disease from my body. I have no idea if I will ever be cured but what I believe is that I can maintain my life, I can be one of these people living for many years fighting off the progression of this disease. I am doing everything I need to do, and that is what makes this battle so hard. I have no idea how long I will live, I just know that through my faith, dedication, and constant encouragement and prayers from others I can stand to fight another day. 

I cry a lot, when I was first diagnosed I had no idea what this disease would mean in mine and my families life. It's heartbreaking, but together we face each day and new challenge that comes about and pray that I overcome something that is trying it's best to kill me. 

The longer I go through this recovery the more people I am hearing about getting this disease. It breaks my heart.It is a disease that everyone else gets, not you, that's how I felt. But you know what, I have cancer, and I have to take the bull by the horns and try every bit of ammunition I have to beat this monster. I know that everyone tells me if anyone can beat this disease, it's me. That I am the strongest person they know ...Sometimes I wonder if I am really strong at all.I know I am because I get up each day and I face this with all that I have inside of me. I don't falter from the plan, even though sometimes I have every excuse and reason to do so. What makes me a warrior is my ability to not let this defeat me. To not give in the the disease I have been told I have and realizing that every day I wake up is a new chance to beat this. I know a lot of people in my inner circle worry about me all the time, they pray for me. and they encourage me even when they are afraid of the outcome of this horrible disease. Nothing is set in stone ... No one knows what will and will not happen with me. I just know that I want to live one day at a time. I want to embrace the good days that will give me encouragement and hope through the rocky ones ahead. They say  You have to get worse before you can get better. I thought that saying was so stupid, that is until it happened to me. 

I am still working as much as my body will allow me too. I go in and if I am feeling bad I leave, go home. rest, and try it again the next day.My work does not define me as a person but unlike so many people in the  world,  I love working, it gives me a sense of accomplishment and these days anything I can do to make myself inspired and feeling better is what I want to be doing. This journey is going to be a long one. One with lots of unanswered questions and lots of times that I may questions myself and my doctors. But I must say I am putting my faith for once in this journey to two doctors that are on the same page with my treatments and the desire that one of these doctors has in his heart to heal me. I could not ask for anything better than that from a doctor. He has been by my side this entire journey, whether or not I used his treatment or not, he was there and for a doctor to care and to go above and beyond for me all that he has is simply unheard of these days. I am not patient number blah blah, I am me, Christy Hicks a mother and woman fighting for her life that he takes interest in making my life better and longer.To be honest, I can not say that about any other doctor I met anywhere else along this journey. I know some people have faith in their doctors even when it seems that the doctors don't have much faith in their patient. I truly feel that with the right team anything is possible. This disease is not the patient only fighting it is friends, family, doctors, and strangers alike joinging together to help in making things better and brighter. 

I have said numerous times how disappointed I am in some people. Let me say this my disappointment in other people no longer matters to me. what matters to me are the people standing here in these moments of uncertainty in my life with their kind words and prayers that are what matters. Someone not being a friend to me is fine because they lost one of the best friend they could have had if they were ever in my shoes. We all learn our own lessons, and some people learn them the really hard way, but we all face our decisions in life at one time or another.

 

Cancer is no joke.It's there all the time lurking and moving about it's a matter of finding the right treatments to contain it to certain parts of your body and to keep it from spreading every where it wasn't before the treatments! I have thought long and hard about this but if I knew today were my last day on this earth and I had something I could say to the people I love, it would go as follows"

Greg (my brother) you have been the rock that has held us all together! I could not have asked for any one else that would have supported me, encouraged me, believed in me. and loved me more than you have. I am so grateful and I want every day of your life filled with happiness. That you let me go, move on with life, and know that I will be that angel on your shoulder doing all that I can for you. 

Lori (my sister) you have been my best friend all of my life. You have always shown me the errors of my ways and did it with a kind loving heart. I will miss you every single day but I know that I will see you again. Please allow yourself to find happiness take care of those babies I love so much and know that you are and will forever be my best friend. 

Sam (my daughter) the person that made me grow up and be accountable for all my decisions. My true love always since the day you were born. The love of my life. I have always been so proud of you and know that I am always going to be with you. I love you more than words can ever say you are my heart and soul. 

Evan(my little daughter) the bright spot in my life when everything else was falling apart. You gave me love, hope, courage, and the strength I needed in a time I felt I had none. I loved you the second you were born and I love you more every single day. You are what has completed my life. I want you to grow up be happy and do  something amazing with your life. Be a writer build on what mama started from and know that my love for you is as deep as the earth and everything all around it. 

Landon (my grandson) you are the most handsome boy in the world. I love you so much. I was so excited the day you were born, I know you will do something amazing with baseball you go make Grandma Christy proud and know that I will have a front row seat in heaven watching you play all the rest of your life. I love you 

Georgia (my niece) you are the sweetest. Your kind heart and love for me is felt every single time I am around you. I love you so much and I remember the day you were born it was one of the happiest of my entire life. 

Jimbo (my nephew) you lady killer. Don't you let the girls distract you from doing amazing things in life, they will try. You are so handsome and every day I wanted to come over and hold you and never put you down. You and your sister mean the world to me and I hope that you will always remember how much I truly do love you....

Ansleigh (my niece) I can't believe how you have grown before my vary eyes, you are beautiful and your softball abilities are amazing. You will go far in life and the sky is the limit for you. Please know I am always cheering you on and I will forever be your biggest fan. 

Devin (my niece) the shy little girl has grown up to be an amazing woman. You will do great things Devin. I hope that whatever path of medicine you take that you will fight for a cure for cancer. You will be an amazing doctor one day and I hope that you reach every star in the sky because you are simply amazing. 

Tonya (my friend) You have been one of the most amazing friends I have ever had. You are always cheering me on and picking me up when I fall. Our friendship was meant to be and it has been one I cherish most in the world. I love you... 

Ashley (my friend) what can I say, you make me laugh. You are a great friend, the best cook, and a great mama. Having you as a friend has made me one of the luckiest people in the world.I don't want to leave you because I love your exciting stories and I want to be your friend with you always and forever! No matter what... I will be I promise you that!  

Kristy (my friend) you have been amazing for me and Evan through this illness. Your kindness and friendship means the world to me and I can not thank you enough for always dropping everything to be there in my time of need. 

Nanny (my sweet friend) I love you more than words can say. You have been the see all know all person in my life and you still like me through it all. You make me laugh and you give me hope throughout my life. I wouldn't have made it in life as far as I have without your love and comfort. You are one of the people in this world that means the most to me. 

Mimi (my friend) you have been amazing. Every single step of this journey you have been there. You have given so much to me that I could never repay you for it all. I love you.

Jerri (my friend) you have been a great friend. Throughout the years of working together and then just being a great friend. You have been so kind and I love you so very much!

Kelley (my friend) my early morning phone calls to listen to me bitch and complain and then to make me see how funny it all really was. You are awesome. You are a great friend and I will forever be thankful for facebook bringing us back and closer than ever before. I love you... 

To all my Covington Girls (Tammy, Tiffany,Crystal,Sherry, DeAnn, Debbie, Robin Allison) you girls are the best. I know without me life will go on but I hope as you all get together and go on our girls nights out, that in some form or another you will take me with you.. I love you girls so much and you will always and forever be some of the best friends any girl could ever ask for ....

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I am one of those people if I love you ... you know I love you. Through this journey I have been faced with something no one wants to be faced with and that is death. I have no idea how long I have... When it will be my time to go and I want the people in my life to know how much I loved them. I will be just another person dying and going to heaven one day to a lot of people, but for the people that truly love me and that I love it's going to be a hard day. I want a celebration of my life. I have lived through some really tough things, I am dealing with fighting this battle now, and it is not easy. When my time comes I want the world and the people that love me to celebrate. I have had a good life. I have been loved and loved some of the most amazing people and I have so much to be grateful for. I gave birth to two of the most beautiful daughters I could have ever asked for. I have been to the top and slide to the bottom and I have built a business that will be left to help raise my little daughter and to give a little easier life income wise to my oldest and her son. I have worked hard all my life and looking back on the last several years I am grateful for all the hard work and dedication that has lead me to this point that I can provide for them even if I am no longer here. They say everything happens for a reason.... With this I have no idea why .I just know that I am fighting and if my fight should end tomorrow I have a lot to be proud of. I have nothing unsaid to anyone I know. I have no hard feelings and no one should ever have a regret when it comes to me. We chose what we want to do and if you don't do what we should have or needed to do we can't blame anyone but ourselves.There are so many others I could say so much too. I just simply wanted to reach out to the people that have reached out to me on this journey and let them know how much it's meant to me. to have each and every one of them there beside me through these tough days.  

  

   

Blog #32 Hope, Prayers, Peace, and Understanding

So many times I have been told ....I should not put my story out into the world. Because, sometimes it hurts for me to write the things that I don't even want to admit to myself. I wish I could be in denial of this disease. I wish that I didn't know that it could take my life. I wish that there was a cure and some magic wand that I could wave and no longer have cancer. I have been told several times not to proclaim my disease by name, if I don't call it cancer, I could change to "son of a bitch", but that is not politically correct to speak such a thing as a woman, so ....I call a spade a spade and this happens to just be cancer. 

I've lived a life of working very hard, falling down and picking myself back up and starting over more than once. I hold no shame in my desire to provide a good life for my children, I can't take back the moments that I was needed more at home than at the office, but what I can do is to share with all of  you the importance of having quality time with your friends, family, and especially your children.  At the end of the day all that matters truly is the ones that you love. The memories that you make, and the things you do together. We never will look back on our final hour and think we should have worked harder, we will always think "We should have spent more time" I have that opportunity now in my life, and I plan to work from home this summer and to be with my Evan Raine and Landon every second I can, making memories, doing whatever it is that we want to do together. Money is important but now that I am sick I realize in the whole scheme of things it's one of the most least important things in our whole lives. 

I have been taking the time this week to write letters for each birthday for my little Evan. I am writing about how much I want to be here for her birthday, and hopefully I will be, if not she will have something special from her mom to open on every birthday . A little something special in with the card. It is simply one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life. It hurts so deeply that I can't even tell you, but my hurt today will be some of the greatest blessings in her life for many years to come.  So many times people have the best intentions thinking I will get around to that, they never do and then it becomes to late and then there is nothing, I am determined to not allow that to happen. 

There are some things that have to be done. So many things that come along with preparing for the future, one  that you may never see, and preparing for that is really hard. I am in that place, and believe it or not, I am finding a peace in making sure that I have things taken care of. as crazy as that sounds. I want to be prepared, honestly, we all should be prepared in our own lives. Make the time. Take the time to do the things that could mean the world to others if something should happen in your own lives. 

A terminal illness is tough to absorb. I am fighting every way I can to fight this monster and I know in my heart that I am truly care for. The compassion and outpouring of love and support for me is simply AMAZING.  I sometimes get overwhelmed. I am sure that I have hurt someone's feelings along the way because I didn't call, text, or message back, and I do apologize but this journey is about Christy Hicks, I am fighting for my life, and I would never want to hurt anyone. I just know that there are times I have to step away in my mind and heart from this disease and find some way to be my old self. To find some peace within this situation that I am going through.  It's a tough battle. It's heartbreaking one moment and then the next I find comfort in knowing I am doing every single thing I can, to keep going.  I worry more about my family than I do myself. I want them to find peace,  I want to know that if I don't make it through this disease that they will all be okay! I pray every night that I don't suffer so they don't suffer. I am a giver and even fighting for my life, I care more about all of them as I do myself. I wish I could say that I am looking forward to going to heaven, as I know my mama will be standing there with open arms waiting on me, and that will be a glorious day to have her there to hold and comfort me, something I have missed so much over the last almost 17 years. But, I am not ready. I don't know that I will ever be ready, but God's plan and in God's time. 

When my mama passed away she went in her sleep, I honestly thought that was the worst thing ever. I didn't get to say goodbye I was not prepared. But now going through all of this, I realize she was lucky, no matter how much it hurt me, she was as were we, spared the heartache of these days of up's and downs and sorrow. 

 I am by far giving up, I just know that there are some people that say I am in denial of this disease, I certainly am not. There is no one with me when I cry myself to sleep most nights besides Chris and Evan. They comfort me to the extent that I know it hurts them both so deep but I need them and I need their love and comfort more than I have ever needed it from anyone at any time. I am tired of crying I just want to be happy, to smile and laugh more than I ever have. To make more memories every single day as many as I possibly can. 

Today, I go to the oncologist again to get my results from my CT Scan from yesterday, I left the office after the test yesterday and found myself more at peace than I have in a long long time, I have found myself prepared for whatever he has to say to me and taking it and making the next best  possible  decisions to prolong my life as long as I possibly can. I want to live forever, but none of us, not a single one of us will live forever! Today, isn't the deciding factor of my life. This doctor can not determine my future and no one else here on earth possibly can either, I have made a new dedication to myself through all the good and bad news I receive on this journey, I will be grateful for every single day I have, I will make the most of it, I will take the progression of this disease and I will face each day with grace and the best possible attitude that I possibly can. Life is not easy to live and life is not easy to let go of either. 

I believe I can live a long life, and when I met with my doctor and he says he thinks the disease is progressing it was a reality check. I hated it .. I hated him saying it.... I could deny it all but he is the expert and not me. I hope today proves that he is wrong, I am crossing my fingers and praying really hard that he is. I have been preparing myself all week for today and it's amazing I find comfort  and peace today that I have not felt in a while. I slept like a baby last night! 

Don't cry for me...Pray for me! 

Blog #30... Rude people, God's Grace, and Strength beyond measure

 My blog picture today is my precious grandson, Landon Reid 
(aka Lanbug) last Friday night he got the  game ball at his baseball game. He is going to be a superstar, and I can't wait for him to play professional baseball and take good care of his old grandma!


Having cancer is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with, in my life. I can still remember the somber look on the ER Doctor's face when he told me the news. I can still remember the pain that hurt so deep, and yet in that moment I knew that I was in for the fight of my life. I had no idea where this journey was going to lead me, but I knew that I was going to beat this cancer.

Over the last several weeks, I have had some hard moments, those moments that I feared death. That I could not get my mind to wrap around the fact that I was sick, and much less could not be here to see my daughter and grandson grow up. The legacy of  my life are my two daughters and grandson. The people that I love and how they will emotionally suffer once I am gone. I spent so much time hurting for everyone else and the fears that come with this horrid disease. There wasn't a day that I did not cry, it was almost unbearable to talk about.  I have days I still get upset and now I am back on the mission of kicking this cancers ass and spreading my story to share the hope and joys of the life we have in the now, in this moment. 

I miss eating what I want, more than I could ever describe. I miss a glass of wine out with the girls on a Friday night. I miss so many things about how my life use to be. However, this is my new life. My new purpose. My new hearts desire to beat this, to spread the miracle of there is always hope and to be extremely honest with all of you about how I am feeling. I still fear dying, I will always carry some part of that fear with me, but my desire to live gets a little stronger with each day I fight this battle. I have no idea what is going to happen, I just believe that God, all of you, my family, and friends that pray for and believe in me every day has a huge part in my healing and my ability to fight this battle every single day. 

I met a mother yesterday, her daughter passed away 6 years ago from a very aggressive form of liver cancer. We sat and talked for an hour. We just shared our hearts and stories of what liver cancer means in each of our lives. The wisdom and courage she has amazed me. She is a beautiful person and her strength was something that made me feel so much better. The compassion from a stranger is something that totally melts my heart, her desire to take me on as a new friend and lend me her prayers and concern after all she personally has gone through is nothing less than amazing to me. I hope that she knows this and I can't truly wait to get to know her more. 

I go back to the oncologist tomorrow. I am not going to lie, I am afraid. I plan on hearing how great I am doing and then I have this "Traditional Medicine" fear that he might not agree this time. I should not allow myself to feel this way but honestly I can not seem to always control my mind these days, but honestly Who could?

Cancer has made me realize how precious life is.... How no matter how long we have in life we are not certain if there will even be a tomorrow. Every day that I wake up, I say "Thank You" because I am so grateful to be alive today, and every day that I have left to live. 

I look at myself in the mirror and the way my body has changed with eating healthy, and I see myself 35 pounds lighter and I look at my face that has less dark circle under my eyes, and I fit perfectly into clothes that I never dreamed I would wear again. I feel amazing. I run into people that say "You look better than I have seen you look in 10 years" I smile a huge smile. And then I run into other people that say "You have gotten to skinny. Your face looks sunk in and blah blah blah... I go back to that mirror and start questioning myself again 

It makes me angry that some people are just so stupid. First off, I never hear from those people, they never call to see how I am doing or even what I am doing. They are not the ones that know the fears I have with this disease and yet, somehow they feel entitled to voice their opinion about how I look. I just want to slap them, they make me question myself and it almost makes me want to never walk outside of my four walls so I don't have to deal with other people's opinion. Instead, I make excuses. I give them the reason and tell them I don't agree and then you know what I go home and cry. People are seriously very rude. Saying something mean to someone, does that make that person feel better about themselves? They shouldn't because honestly the people that have said it to me  should be on the same diet as me and they would look better themselves with a sunk in face instead of chubby cheeks. Just saying. I will not allow other people to get me down, they try their best. They are the devil working on me and in the long run they have their own insecurities. That is not my problem and I wake up another day, look in the mirror and I am happier with the way I look than I was the day before. I doubt they are! 


Having cancer for me isn't about just having cancer and trying to fight it, it is dealing with other people. Every one says you put yourself out there, and you should expect people to react. Well, I am not looking for pity in this disease when I share it, I expect and hope that people can find a compassion in their heart's for another human being and an understanding that really they can only really know if they were dealing with this themselves. A friend's brother was diagnosed last week and he said to me "I read every one of your blogs Christy and I  hurt for you then, but I had no idea how hurtful it was until it happened in my own family" It's very true, you will not understand this unless it happens to you to the extent of the pain it causes you and your family but I hope that through my journey I can share the good and bad days, the hurt and joy and to maybe, just maybe, make someone else's journey through this one day a little more comforting! I am happy. I feel good. I look good, I laugh a lot, I smile often. I get up with a mission of working, loving my kids and family, and beating cancer one day at a time. I get to see my daughter, Evan play softball and see the overwhelming joy on her face when she gets out on the field. I love to see her happy. I love that I can be who I am and that I will not allow cancer to take my soul and spirit. I believe that life has so much to be grateful for even in times that you are going through a hard time in life.I love meeting new people, and I enjoy all that life has to offer in a way that I never could have before now. I am humbled and grateful and appreciate each new day every new day! 



Life isn't fair, one day life is going along just fine and dandy and the next you are fighting for your life. I could as I always say, sit back and feel sorry for myself, but honestly, I am fighting way to hard to have be thinking Poor Pitiful Me... Right now, I am getting better, I feel it in my body! I feel it in my heart! If I could make my mind feel it 100% of the time then I would be PERFECT....

This is going to be a long journey, it is not and will not be a bed of roses but I know that I am loved, prayed for, cared about, and thought of often by so many people, friends and strangers alike! God hears our prayers and I know that I have just as great of a chance to me a miracle as anyone else. I am praying for and believing in God's Grace. 

Please continue to pray for me and my family. This road is bumpy and sometimes in the midst of the journey it is unbearable. I pray for strength for us all. I pray for God's Grace and I pray that I help one other person with this journey I travel. Thank you all for all the donations, cards, gifts and for being there for me with each new day! 

Don't cry for me....Pray for me!