I posted this all happy blog below and then got heartbreaking news... my cancer maker has gone from 168 to 300 ... I can not stop the tears from coming out of my eyes. I have worked so hard, I have done every single thing I am suppose to do and then I get this set back and I want to just scream .. I have been moving full speed ahead and then to get this kind of news hurts me so deeply. I just want this nightmare to be over and it's just that crappy slap in the face reminder that I am not the one in control of this. I don't determine anything that happens. Then on top off that bad news, I got a call that my procedure has been moved until next Monday. Ugh.
I could let this determined the rest of my day, I could sit here and cry but instead I am taking off early and going to take my little girl to see Annie at the movies.. because she loves me and because she would never want me sitting and crying over this... My brother just said that the marker might have something to do with the iron pills or the metformin I have been given for the increase in my glucose levels, which has been created by the steroid I have to take with the chemo. Every action has a reaction.. My brother is right! I am not in control of any of this. I do what I am suppose to do and I take the good with the bad news and roll with it. My fear is I deal with this the rest of my life.. The reality is I will deal with this the rest of my life. I know that I am not going to go into remission and be there forever. This cancer will possibly and probably come back, it's the reality I have to face. I don't want to have to face it but I have to. I am okay now, the tears have stopped. I had my little pity party and cried my eyes out and realize that how far I have come and where I still have left to go. I knew that I wasn't in remission and if this little set back were to control my destiny I would never get there. I am stronger then this monster and it may have a small victory today for whatever reason but it hasn't seen this Monday coming yet.
I wanted to hide this from the world. I didn't want anyone to know but it's part of the journey and for me I would rather share it all than not share any of it. Say a little prayer for me today and know that I am okay, I am stronger than this heartbreaking news.. today and always.
7 more days and I am back to Newton Medical Center with Dr. Chamsuddin. It's hard to believe the last procedure I had was 2 months ago. Wow! I have had a lot of time to heal, other than the times that I have had to take the chemo, I am feeling really good. This is my on week of chemo and I am having the procedure instead. I am hoping it's a quick in and out and I am done. That the last 5 spots of this monster get's it's due and I am done with this mess.
I started thinking the other day what I am going to do when I am no longer having to fight this monster every day. When I am done with the procedures and done with the chemo treatments considering it has consumed the last year of my life... I have big plans. I have some doctors I plan to go and see. I have people telling me not to waste my time, that they won't listen. When I am there in front of them standing in remission..I don't think they can help but listen to me! I have politician's I want to see. I want to fight for the right of every single patient that is facing my same disease to have their own choice of life, that they are given all the options that are FDA approved and given the same chance at HOPE that I had been given! Because most times patients are not given these options by their Oncologist.
Prime example: I have a new friend I met on a support group page on FB for my same form of cancer! She is a sweetheart. I saw she posted the other day that she saw another doctor for a second opinion (1.5 years after being on chemo for her cancer) and this doctor suggested Y-90... I was tickled until I continued reading that she discussed that with her Oncologist and he said she would have to be off chemo for 2 months before she could do it. I wanted to jump through the computer screen, I instantly called her and told her I didn't even start doing chemo until the week after my first Y-90. I begged her to do the Y90 and I hope that she will. I can't make people do things but I can tell them of the success I had ... I had 18 tumors and she has one. The chemo has not shrunk her tumor nor has it grown really but it's there she needs it gone. She has a chance she has a doctor willing to do it, I hope to God she does. I pray for her every night. She knew about the Y90 from me posting on the FB page about my own success so she was excited about learning more. It's not about learning more really it's about seeing if you are a candidate for the treatment and going for it.
Wouldn't it be great to hear about her remission too? I want to get to know the best Interventional Radiologist all across the country so I can refer every person I met in their city to them. Other people have hobbies. I have a mission!
I started writing a letter to one of the doctors and honestly a letter would not do justice for what I have endured to prove that I made the right choice when I was told It wasn't the right choice for me. This isn't about "I told you so " as much as it is about my hearts desire to help save other people. I have this burning desire inside of me to make a difference. To show these doctors that are old school text books that something more can be done than just chemo and your patient dying. There are people with my same disease that I know that would never ever do what I have done. They are not risk takers but what they don't realize is they are risking their lives taking chemo. I went for it. I chose to go off the yellow brick road to find my chance at life and I was willing to risk my life for it. I was not promised anything. I was not told it would save my life. I was told "It's your only Hope" and with hope I had a chance and I was willing to chance my life for HOPE! I just know that this disease is my calling, my calling to do something about it, in hopes to change the world. I may not get through to every one I meet ...but it won't be for the lack of effort!
Like most people.... I wanted to live. I didn't want to die. I searched every avenue. I did everything. I knew if I was going to die, I was going to give this disease every single thing I had inside of me. I wanted my girls and family to be proud of me. I wanted them to know life is worth taking the risk!
This blog is bigger than me and my disease this blog is about HOPE and about helping others, so as I heal and head closer to remission know that I am not done writing, my journey with this disease has just began even if I no longer have it to fight.... I will fight for the rights of others.
I am not going to lie about this... it's hard watching other people losing their battles with this disease to hear how someone is dying and reading the pain that a family member is writing about ... I sometimes think it might be to much for me and then I step aside from it for a minute and I continue to share my story of hope! I think hope is contagious and I think that it can make a difference no matter the circumstances! It's part of my journey there are good things and there are bad things I will see and hear and I just have to stay focused on my mission and reach out as much as I can to make my own difference in the world.
Don't cry for me Pray for me... Please pray for me and my family as we face what we hope is the last procedure of healing me from this horrible disease. Every prayer is heard and every prayer counts.
My blog picture today is my precious grandson, Landon Reid
(aka Lanbug) last Friday night he got the game ball at his baseball game. He is going to be a superstar, and I can't wait for him to play professional baseball and take good care of his old grandma!
Having cancer is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with, in my life. I can still remember the somber look on the ER Doctor's face when he told me the news. I can still remember the pain that hurt so deep, and yet in that moment I knew that I was in for the fight of my life. I had no idea where this journey was going to lead me, but I knew that I was going to beat this cancer.
Over the last several weeks, I have had some hard moments, those moments that I feared death. That I could not get my mind to wrap around the fact that I was sick, and much less could not be here to see my daughter and grandson grow up. The legacy of my life are my two daughters and grandson. The people that I love and how they will emotionally suffer once I am gone. I spent so much time hurting for everyone else and the fears that come with this horrid disease. There wasn't a day that I did not cry, it was almost unbearable to talk about. I have days I still get upset and now I am back on the mission of kicking this cancers ass and spreading my story to share the hope and joys of the life we have in the now, in this moment.
I miss eating what I want, more than I could ever describe. I miss a glass of wine out with the girls on a Friday night. I miss so many things about how my life use to be. However, this is my new life. My new purpose. My new hearts desire to beat this, to spread the miracle of there is always hope and to be extremely honest with all of you about how I am feeling. I still fear dying, I will always carry some part of that fear with me, but my desire to live gets a little stronger with each day I fight this battle. I have no idea what is going to happen, I just believe that God, all of you, my family, and friends that pray for and believe in me every day has a huge part in my healing and my ability to fight this battle every single day.
I met a mother yesterday, her daughter passed away 6 years ago from a very aggressive form of liver cancer. We sat and talked for an hour. We just shared our hearts and stories of what liver cancer means in each of our lives. The wisdom and courage she has amazed me. She is a beautiful person and her strength was something that made me feel so much better. The compassion from a stranger is something that totally melts my heart, her desire to take me on as a new friend and lend me her prayers and concern after all she personally has gone through is nothing less than amazing to me. I hope that she knows this and I can't truly wait to get to know her more.
I go back to the oncologist tomorrow. I am not going to lie, I am afraid. I plan on hearing how great I am doing and then I have this "Traditional Medicine" fear that he might not agree this time. I should not allow myself to feel this way but honestly I can not seem to always control my mind these days, but honestly Who could?
Cancer has made me realize how precious life is.... How no matter how long we have in life we are not certain if there will even be a tomorrow. Every day that I wake up, I say "Thank You" because I am so grateful to be alive today, and every day that I have left to live.
I look at myself in the mirror and the way my body has changed with eating healthy, and I see myself 35 pounds lighter and I look at my face that has less dark circle under my eyes, and I fit perfectly into clothes that I never dreamed I would wear again. I feel amazing. I run into people that say "You look better than I have seen you look in 10 years" I smile a huge smile. And then I run into other people that say "You have gotten to skinny. Your face looks sunk in and blah blah blah... I go back to that mirror and start questioning myself again
It makes me angry that some people are just so stupid. First off, I never hear from those people, they never call to see how I am doing or even what I am doing. They are not the ones that know the fears I have with this disease and yet, somehow they feel entitled to voice their opinion about how I look. I just want to slap them, they make me question myself and it almost makes me want to never walk outside of my four walls so I don't have to deal with other people's opinion. Instead, I make excuses. I give them the reason and tell them I don't agree and then you know what I go home and cry. People are seriously very rude. Saying something mean to someone, does that make that person feel better about themselves? They shouldn't because honestly the people that have said it to me should be on the same diet as me and they would look better themselves with a sunk in face instead of chubby cheeks. Just saying. I will not allow other people to get me down, they try their best. They are the devil working on me and in the long run they have their own insecurities. That is not my problem and I wake up another day, look in the mirror and I am happier with the way I look than I was the day before. I doubt they are!
Having cancer for me isn't about just having cancer and trying to fight it, it is dealing with other people. Every one says you put yourself out there, and you should expect people to react. Well, I am not looking for pity in this disease when I share it, I expect and hope that people can find a compassion in their heart's for another human being and an understanding that really they can only really know if they were dealing with this themselves. A friend's brother was diagnosed last week and he said to me "I read every one of your blogs Christy and I hurt for you then, but I had no idea how hurtful it was until it happened in my own family" It's very true, you will not understand this unless it happens to you to the extent of the pain it causes you and your family but I hope that through my journey I can share the good and bad days, the hurt and joy and to maybe, just maybe, make someone else's journey through this one day a little more comforting! I am happy. I feel good. I look good, I laugh a lot, I smile often. I get up with a mission of working, loving my kids and family, and beating cancer one day at a time. I get to see my daughter, Evan play softball and see the overwhelming joy on her face when she gets out on the field. I love to see her happy. I love that I can be who I am and that I will not allow cancer to take my soul and spirit. I believe that life has so much to be grateful for even in times that you are going through a hard time in life.I love meeting new people, and I enjoy all that life has to offer in a way that I never could have before now. I am humbled and grateful and appreciate each new day every new day!
Life isn't fair, one day life is going along just fine and dandy and the next you are fighting for your life. I could as I always say, sit back and feel sorry for myself, but honestly, I am fighting way to hard to have be thinking Poor Pitiful Me... Right now, I am getting better, I feel it in my body! I feel it in my heart! If I could make my mind feel it 100% of the time then I would be PERFECT....
This is going to be a long journey, it is not and will not be a bed of roses but I know that I am loved, prayed for, cared about, and thought of often by so many people, friends and strangers alike! God hears our prayers and I know that I have just as great of a chance to me a miracle as anyone else. I am praying for and believing in God's Grace.
Please continue to pray for me and my family. This road is bumpy and sometimes in the midst of the journey it is unbearable. I pray for strength for us all. I pray for God's Grace and I pray that I help one other person with this journey I travel. Thank you all for all the donations, cards, gifts and for being there for me with each new day!
Don't cry for me....Pray for me!
