Blog #61... My heavy heart this week....

Yesterday, was 9 months into this battle. And boy isn't it amazing how far I have come? I am still here.. I am alive.. and I am winning a battle that no one thought I could be winning, not even myself at times. I am a miracle, I have been given this amazing second chance at making a better life for myself and others and I embrace it every single day as strongly and positively as I possibly can. 


I have had a very  heavy heart this week. It started with Brittany Maynard when she followed  through with her decision to take the pills to end her own life, on her own terms. I understand it but as a cancer patient it hurts my heart.  

I went ahead and did chemo this week. I  decided not to wait until after my next procedure as my oncologist said that I could. I have just come so far and to take any chances at this point wouldn't be worth it to me. We sometimes have to do the things we don't want to do for the betterment of ourselves and that extends much farther than just taking chemo. 

This week I sat across from a woman that I knew was also facing liver cancer. I didn't know her whole story until this week. She had breast cancer 10 years ago and has been cancer free since then, that is until recently . She has been  checked every year and the cancer marker indicated that the cancer was back and it has appeared in her liver now, which is weird but it is still considered breast cancer in her liver. Us non-medical individuals  can only go with what we are told. 

Seems odd but the primary source is always the primary cancer, I suppose in some ways that makes sense. Anyways, she was referred to another hospital (other than the one I go to) they were going to go in and burn the tumors that are on her liver and when they got in there they found a lot more spots and stopped the procedure and told her that they could not do the procedure because of the amount of other spots on her liver . I asked her if they had mentioned to her about the Y-90 and she said no, she didn't ask me any questions it almost made me feel she was content with just doing the chemo (which isn't going to kill those tumors)! I wanted to scream out to her that she should get a second opinion. I don't want to spread false hope... so I didn't extend my suggestions out any further, at least... until I see and ask Dr. Chamsuddin what his thoughts are. I have suggested to several people to go to Dr. Chamsuddin to get a second opinion, and they don't show up, they see how successful things are going for me and yet they chose not to see what else is out there for them. It drives me insane. It makes me mad. I just know that I am in the best hands I could have ever found and I want to share the magic with others and it's either they are to scared to get the second opinion or they are just to lazy... Whatever the reason is... it completely baffles me. I just want to help save the world. I want to share what I have been given and give it back to someone else. The bad thing about that is a lot of people wont take it. I don't know how I can help others when those other people are not willing to help themselves. That is the frustrating part about this situation I am in. I will just keep on trying and sharing and hopefully I can get through to someone and I can make a difference in their lives. 

I know that I didn't listen to Dr. Chamsuddin at first. I was afraid, I was open to what he had to say I just had to spread my wings and see what else I could find to help me... That was nothing. I could have already been done with this mess by now if I would have been more open at the beginning. I was afraid of dying and I was scrabbling to save my life in every way that I could and I had the answer right in front of me all along. I want to kick my own butt sometimes but I think we have to be open and explore every opportunity. I was not a doctor person before all of this. I wasn't sure what to expect most doctors treat you for whatever it is you are facing in the moment and have no clue who you are the next time you show back up with some other problem. I am not that person with my doctor I am this person that he takes great concern and care for as a doctor wanting to save his patient. I give that to the people I refer him to beside the fact that he is an excellent doctor and it baffles me that they would not want the same compassion and care as I have been given. 

I know I am not free of this disease and I should be focused on myself, and not worried about other people, it's just who I am ... I want to show the world that liver cancer isn't just a death sentence it's a battle that can be won, that can be overcome, that can be something that you can live through for many years to come. I just want to scream it out at the top of my lungs until it hits home with someone willing to step further outside of the box than they ever thought they could and do something to save their lives. 

A good friend of mine's dad is on his last days as they have now called hospice in! The family is very private about his cancer and therefore I just ask for thoughts and prayers for a loving family that will soon lose the husband/father/grandfather/ and friend they all love and adore. It's so hard to hear about people I know loosing their battle to cancer.  And then I have another amazing friend with a inoperable brain tumor that went for her follow up scan yesterday and the tumor is completely gone, the joy and happiness of that news is amazing I have been touched in ways that I never knew I could feel with not only being diagnosed with cancer but meeting others along this journey as they are facing their own battles. It's something I can't begin to express in the ways that I feel connected to others facing cancer.  Sharing our battles daily in ways that others truly can not understand. 

I am no expert at any of this stuff. I have pretty much gone blindly and trustingly into this with a doctor that would do what he could to save my life. I could have never asked for any more than that. I am a miracle I know that. Makes me more determined to spread my story. There is not a person that I meet any where that isn't going to know that I am fighting and winning my battle with this cancer. It's not the attention I need, it's the attention that liver cancer needs to help save others lives if they know there is something more out there than just the medical books of chemo and no remission for a disease that won't just go away without stepping outside of the medical books of no hope.  I am fighting against the wind sometimes... but I look back at my life and think "It's what I have always done my whole life, I can't expect it to be any different now" So ... I will be spreading my story I will be sharing hope and information as long as I am still breathing on this earth! 

Next week... I am having what I hope will be a combined procedure for the spot on my lung and the chemo in the last of the tumor left on my liver. I am not sure if he is planning on one procedure or two but I am crossing my fingers it's one. I am ready to be done I am ready to have a clear pet scan and finish up with the chemo and just get back to feeling good again, I deserve it. I really truly do! 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me. Things are looking so good for me. And I know all of your love, concern, prayers, and thoughts for me have been what as worked in making this recovery possible. I appreciate you all and know that through my story there is hope in all of our lives in one way or another. See the goodness in each day. Know that it's not easy to live life all the time. Take every challenge you face and see the good in what you have to do to make any situation better. 

Blog #60... What is right for you .. may not be right for anyone else.

I have learned a lot over these last 9 months. I have learned what is important and what truly isn't. I spent most of my life thinking one way.... to completely have my thoughts changed by a disease that could have taken my life. It's weird how something like cancer can make you see yourself and the world clearer than you probably ever would have. 

Today, I am thinking of Brittany Maynard. The controversy that is around her decision to chose to end her own life. I see so many negative comments. On one hand I  understand their feelings, as before getting sick... I would have felt the same way. I would have thought she was selfish and all those "What if's" because her life was not mine nor anyone else but her own choice to live or die the way she did....

You never know what it is like to be sick ...until you are sick! You can never know how it feels to be told that you have cancer and that it will take your life in a horrible way. There are no words that I... nor anyone else can say that can express how that feels. You can pretend someone says it to you ...but it's so different when it's a reality. I can not even begin to understand the fear and peace in those final moments she had in her life. To go with the grace and dignity that she so wanted is something amazing to me. With me having cancer my biggest fear and pain I feel is that my family would have to watch me suffer through the end of this disease. It's the most heartbreaking thing I think that could have ever happened in my life. It's not so much about me suffering it's the people that love and surround me that I would not want them to watch me in those final days that my life is just taken away from me little by little.

 I chose to fight for my life. I never allowed myself to believe that I would die. I couldn't because I have so much to live for, yet none of us are promised tomorrow, not now and not ever. As much as we all wish there was a way to have cured Brittany, there was no way, she was told that she had 6 months to live. To be told you are dying  is the worst feeling in the world ...until you are living in those moments of death. I don't know that I would have the strength that Brittany had, because I am a believer, I am one of those people that believe in miracles, they happen every day, look at me I am one of those miracles. I've cried for Brittany. A woman that I have never and never will meet, she gave me a lot of things to think about as she has done for so many. She chose the route that she wanted to take. She fought for what she believed in  and I can only imagine the horrible things that people have said to her, but at the end of what she felt was her life she made her choice, I personally admire and respect her decision. I wish she would not have had to make it, that she never had to take that medicine that took the last part of her life here on earth away from her, but her wish came true and that is what matters most ... Brittany died for her belief's, her purpose, her desire to die with dignity and grace. God Bless Brittany... You are a stranger to me but we had a common disease that bonded me to you..... 

We are all given the chance to make our own decisions in life and believe me your views and values change when you are facing a life threatening disease! Cancer is horrible, cancer isn't a disease that is an easy fix it's mentally as difficult as it is physically

I am still off the chemo and my appetite is better than it's been in months and months. I feel good a feeling that I have been longing to feel again for so long. I see that light at the end of the tunnel. I am looking forward to having another procedure next week. I am ready for Dr. Chamsuddin to finish what he has started, so that I can go on with my life. I can live the life I been giving a second chance at living. How many people are truly given a second chance at life? How many take that opportunity to do something that could help others? I don't think I will ever know the answer to that question but what I do know is... I think about all the things I am going to do when I hear those words that my pet scan is clear! I have some influence to make in some certain doctor's views. I want them to know that if I can survive they have a greater chance at helping their other patients survive as well.  I am living proof that  these treatments work. 

I've connected with some amazing people through fighting for my life. I have met people with cancer that I sit next to every Wednesday and we share our stories while we are there to get our chemo, the poison that is going into our bodies as we try and save our lives. We share something that I can not share with most people I know. We encourage one another, we asked questions, and we cheer one another on in our victories no matter how big or small they may be. My friend I usually sit next to is older than me, she is the sweetest person. She is there every other Wednesday from 8-4 getting chemo and sitting right there beside her is her husband, waiting to do whatever it is she might be needing. The other day I asked her "Do you rent him out?" She laughed, actually the whole room laughed. It's so  sweet to see them together so in love and happy... in what is probably the scariest time of their lives. Makes me jealous. You can not pretend to love someone, it's there and shining bright as a full moonlit night or it's not there at all. I love to see people so in love, these days it's rare, I must admit! 

Today, I see my oncologist again as a follow up. I have decided to go ahead and get chemo this week. I want this monster gone and I think the break I have had over the past several weeks has been good for me, it's built me back up and I am now ready to continue this journey and see it to the end of the CANCER FREE zone. I have come so far. I have given up my life over the last 9 months to get myself well and what's a few more months in the journey to be in remission of a disease that takes most people's lives?

I hope you are all having a great week and are finding ways to make yourself happier today then you were on yesterday! Happiness isn't something you go searching for.. Happiness come from within. Be happy in all that you do. Because it's one of the most important parts of life that most people seem never to find. I have another friend that has cancer, I spoke with his brother several times and he said "We are all at peace with this disease" That is a great way to be, I am not quite there yet, peace and cancer for me just can't be combined. Life is short so find the happiness in any thing and every single thing around you. I do my best to do that myself. 

Don't Cry For Me.... Pray For Me! 

Blog #49... Spreading hope....

Unfortunately, I have to have  one more burn procedure. I was hoping to be done with all of that stuff,but it's not over until all the cancer is gone, and with it being even a tiny bit in my liver, the procedure has to be done again.... I was hoping that I would not have any more cancer left in my body... after all I have already been through. But, that just isn't the case. I have 3 tumors that have a fraction of the tumor left that is lighting up on the pet scan and I have to do something about them.We are not willing to  leave any cancer in my body. We have been so aggressive throughout the treatments and there is no reason to stop now, 98% cancer free or not... I am going for the 100%!!! 

The news wasn't what I was hoping for from Dr. Chamsuddin today, and I know he could see the disappointment on my face, but I have never been good at lying about how I am feeling. I asked his secretary to please schedule it as soon as she could, that I am ready to get it done and over with. No reason to start procrastinating this late in the game... 

As Dr. Chamsuddin said today, I have made the U-turn in this disease.  Today, was the first time he said either way about if he thought I would survive this disease. He said even after the first Y-90 he really wasn't sure I would make it. I held back the tears. That was a hard thing to hear, but my liver was 50% covered in multiple tumors and statistic's say I should be dead, but I am not. I am beating this. I don't know that everyone's body would react as well to the treatments as mine has, but I am grateful and regardless it was all worth the risk for me to save my life even if it had turned out completely different. I have learned about making decisions, sticking with them, and accepting the outcome. I have never had to make such tough decisions in my life. I have cried almost every night before each procedure I have had done, but to be honest I have gone into them all the day of... with confidence and never doubting the outcome of what the procedure would do for my cancer. I have feared death, of course, but I have really honest to God never believed that I could not make it through this. I wasn't given a positive result chart, I was given hope, and for me that was good enough. I could have never sat back and done nothing and just let the cancer take it's course.

I have been thinking about what I am suppose to do with this second chance at life. What one person can really do to help make a difference in a disease that most oncologist in this country never give their patients the options (other then chemo) to help in giving them more time, or another chance at life. It makes me mad. The longer I go in this disease and the closer I am to being cancer free I think about all the senseless deaths that may have happened because oncologist do not believe in the Y-90 treatment. I have to make a difference.  So, this morning I have emailed Dr. Phil and I have emailed one of the producers at CBS morning show... Attached is the email I sent to Ms. James with CBS.... 

Good Morning Ms. James,

How  do you  put into words something so amazing... that only your heart and soul can feel the full effects of a second chance at life?

  I am not just another person that has luckily survived liver cancer. I am not just another person that wants to be grateful to an amazing doctor that went above and beyond the call of medical duty to help save my life. I was told 7 months ago I would not be here today, and yesterday I was told that I have made the U-turn on curing my cancer. (AMAZING) I was advised  that my cancer is 98% gone inside of my liver. It's a miracle. The miracle isn't anything more than me choosing an option of treatment that is FDA approved for the last 10 years that 7 out of 8 oncologist told me not to do. You read that right I am 98% cancer free and I was told not to do the procedure! 

If I would have listened to the 7 oncologist that told me not to do the treatment I would either be in hospice or  buried under the ground right now. That is a FACT. I was given at most 12 months to live with chemo and for my doctors that I chose to see, that was long enough of a life left for a single mother of a 6 year old, that was not good enough for me. I was not going to accept a death sentence at least not without trying every single option I had to save me life. The more I express into words how all of this impacts my life, the more I want to scream and shout for joy. 

The treatment option I chose is called Y-90. It is where an interventional radiologist (mine is Dr. Abbas Chamsuddin) goes into your main artery in your leg with a catheter and shoots microscopic radiation beads directly into each of the tumors.  This procedure has been FDA approved for the last 10 years and yet oncologist do not like the treatment. First off, it has not damaged my liver at all. The thing it has done is... it has gone into the right side of my liver after 2 treatments and has gotten rid of the cancer that was ultimately going to kill me. I can't understand why any doctor would not want this outcome for their patients, especially when the patient has no chance at survival otherwise. Makes no sense to me. In my opinion it should be mandatory that every oncologist in this country gives their patients every option of saving their lives, and to allow the patient to ultimately make the choice of whether or not they want to try and save their own lives.  I was seeing an oncologist at Piedmont Hospital, he was a tender and gentle man up until the day that he told me that I was in denial of my disease. I am sorry for believing in myself for stepping outside of the box and doing what I wanted to do to try and save my life. The compassion I had once felt in his care I no longer felt any of that... That's why he isn't my doctor, besides the fact that he told his secretary to tell me if I did the Y-90 he would no longer treat me. I let that relationship go that day, and I am living proof that he was wrong in making the decision for me not to do the Y-90. If I had listened to him, I would today be another of his beautiful dead patients that didn't mean enough to him that  he went the extra mile to try and save. I think it should be mandatory for a doctor to give their patients all the options. I think it would only be fair!

I had never been faced a day personally with cancer before I got sick. I have seen what this disease will do to a person and a family. I have an amazing family that has supported me all the way. I write a blog about my journey a very personal blog about the up's and down's, the fear and victories... of this disease. I didn't want to be one of those people that other people whispered about, I wanted to share a journey that could help others see the disease and other things in life in a new light that maybe they had not thought about before. 

In closing. my request to you is... I am  asking you to do a story on liver cancer. Doing a story on not a person with a miracle... but a person that has beat the odds in hopes to help others see more options than they may have been given. It's a gamble writing to you, but I know that I can make a difference in the world.

 I know that I have the most amazing doctor that went above and beyond to do what he could to save my life. He has sat down with me and my family and looked us in the eyes and never given me a sense of false hope, but what he gave me was the chance to change life and that is all anyone can hope for. 

Who knows he may be able to save the life of someone you know one day! When I got sick, every one I knew kept telling me, "You are not going to die Christy, it's not your time" I felt that in my heart I felt that I wasn't going to leave this earth now. I had a message of hope and passion to spread to others. I have a victory that thousands of people are standing on the sidelines cheering me on like I was something more than just a hard working single mother from Atlanta GA!  I have a voice and I demand it to be heard no matter what lengths it takes me to in life. Because this is a much bigger and broader story than just being about me, it's about a large majority of people in the world that may never get the chance hear my story of hope for themselves and their loved ones.  My insurance company denied the procedure, which they said it was investigational, it's not, it's FDA approved. I had to pay $15,000 to the hospital for the first Y-90 treatment. Dr. Chamsuddin went to bat personally for me calling the insurance companies medical director, he said "If this was your sister you would not deny this procedure" The medical director response was "It's not my sister, and don't bring her in this" That says a lot. I am taking different measures with this about denying the coverage. This story for me isn't about it getting paid for and if it was approved or denied... This story is about SAVING more lives! 

I hope my story touches your heart in ways that you will want to help me in making a difference for others. 

I can be reached directly at 770-714-8454....

My blog is located at:  http://dontcryformeprayforme.blogspot.com/2014/02/blog-1.html

I have also included  two  pictures of myself. A face with a story is always a clearer picture.

I know that I can make a difference. And I know that the answers is ALWAYS     "NO" unless you ask. I will keep asking. I will keep trying to make sure someone hears my story and that it touches them enough to want to spread the message of hope in the lives of people that generally are given no hope at all. 

Thank you again for reading and sharing my story... I want the world to know this isn't just a bout me and saving my life... It's about giving hope and life to others that may not have had the option of knowing about their choices. 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me..... 

Blog 48... 46th Birthday...Pet Scan results

I have delayed publishing this post. I wrote most of it on my birthday and every time I tried to finish and publish something would come up... So here you go....


The great thing about my birthday is..... I am here. I am fighting for my life but I am alive... and here to enjoy all the phone calls, text messages, emails, and visits from some of the most amazing people a girl could ever ask for.  I have lived a good life so far and have I have many more years to enjoy my life. I have been on the hard roads,and I have enjoyed the luxury days of life that only most people could ever dream about. I have been at the top, at the bottom, and ended up somewhere around the middle. I have dedicated my life to my kids and my jobs. I have always been one you would consider an overachiever and I am hoping that through all of those trials and tribulations I have learned to overcome cancer and kick it's ass. 

Life hasn't been easy. I don't sleep much for long periods of time. My right side of my liver hurts a lot. My life has been changed and turned completely upside down, but I have the resilience to overcome whatever this crazy life of mine has in store for me. I just want to live. I just want to be here for my little girl and grandson. I want them to know without a shadow of a doubt how much I truly love them in my heart and soul. There are not the words to express the thoughts I have sometimes that I might not be here always. None of us are going to be here always. I will not live forever, nor will any of you reading this blog. I just know that I have to be grateful for the day that I have and to be happy with what I have in this moment. 

I wish I could pretend that there is nothing wrong with me, especially on my birthday but to be honest my birthday reminds me so much of why I am fighting in the first place. When my little daughter can not wait to get up out of bed and show me the card, cake, and balloon that she got me. She was so excited she was telling me about the secret last night even before they went to the store and asked me not to say anything. I didn't but I laughed. I know the drill and each year so does she but the excitement of giving me those things never gets old to her. I hope years from now... she will still be doing the same thing and knowing that I am here to appreciate her love and effort. 

I had my Pet Scan at Emory yesterday, it wasn't fun. I have had 2 before and never had to drink that chalk stuff like I did yesterday, but it's now done and over with and I survived what I thought I might not.  I hope to get the test results tomorrow. I always anxiously await the results and having to wait a few days it's that fun. I usually have the test done the day Dr. Chamsuddin is in the hospital so that he can review them with us, but he asked me to do it this week and therefore... the time was scheduled by the oncologist office earlier than I wanted it to be .... So instead of  Dr. Chamsuddin giving us the results, I will get them at the oncologist office tomorrow.I actually called a second ago and they don't have them yet, I am still very inpatient... 

Today, I just want to celebrate being me. Celebrate being a mother, sister, friend, and cancer survivor. Every day I live I am surviving this disease. I just have my heart set on beating this cancer, along with everyone else that prays for me. I want the world to know "I want to live" I want a chance at being a better person than I was before I became sick. I want the world to know that just because one doctor gives you NO Hope...There is hope... that there is always a chance. I want the world to know that Liver Cancer isn't a death sentence. That as long as you keep the hope, faith,your  spirit, and attitude of overcoming... that you can beat anything you face in life. The inspiration is half the battle. 

So today, I celebrate my birthday. I celebrate knowing that I am truly blessed to be here and to live another day. I fear not cancer, because I can and will be the one that kicks it's ass.... 

I could cry sometimes. There are times when I just want to have a complete melt down. Where I just lay there and feel sorry for myself. But, you know what? I can't I am not the only person I know facing this horrible disease and so I get up every day and I fight for not only my life but for all the lives of the people I know facing the same things as I am. We share our journey's (most in private, they way they like it) we laugh and we encourage one another in ways that no one else can really relate or understand unless you share the same fears and uncertainty we all face. I know that it keeps me going. The things that I share in private touch me deep in my heart and soul in ways that most people will never understand. 

I have learned a lot about myself and about life. But for the most important part of it all is I have felt loved and I can not explain how truly remarkable feeling so loved by so many means to me. 


I have not had a chance to post this blog and it's a good thing.... 

UPDATE ON MY  PET SCAN:

On Tuesday... I dropped off the disc at Newton Hospital and asked Dr. Chamsuddin's assistant if she would upload the disc and that I would let him know it was there.  I sent him a text message and said it was there and it would be great if he read it and gave me an amazing birthday present, as it was on my actual birthday when I took it there .  I never heard back from him on Tuesday. I was disappointed to say the least.  

Wednesday morning on my way to chemo I called him, I thought maybe he didn't get my text, but I got no answer, I thought BUMMER.  When I got to my oncologist office and had gotten hooked up to treatment I had a phone call, I missed the call, and then the caller called back again... It was him. I was so happy to hear his voice. The first thing out of his mouth was "How's your weight?" I thought ugh. I had gained up to 134 last week and just got weighed and was back down to 130.  I was honest he didn't say anything. I know he wants me to be at 140 and honest to God I am trying my best!  I told him I did the pet scan and that I had taken it to the hospital for him .. He had not gotten my message so I was so glad that I called. He said he would review that night and get back with me later!  Not 30 minutes later he called and asked me ... "Do you want the good news or the good news?" He said it was time for me to do the happy dance that all that cancer that was so bad in the right side is gone.  He said there is a little something that he wanted to me with me and my brother on Monday when he went back to work and we could talk we may do nothing with it or maybe a little something. He was so excited that he said he was going to get himself a cold beer and celebrate. He made my day. I made his and the scan was so positive. He had saved my life and the accomplishment of us together has been nothing short of a miracle. I am so happy. I am not a statistic of a disease that generally takes the lives of people that get this disease. It has a lot to do with the radical treatments that are FDA approved and for me and my doctor to be willing to work together and just for me to go with what he said and to be at this point is something that is a true miracle. He is such an amazing doctor and friend to me. 

God is good. I know that there have been so many prayers going up for me. I can't say that one person has made this happen I think and know truly in my heart it's a combination of all of us fighting for my life and believing that I can over come something that most can not. I actually have another friend that works in a doctors office that has a patient recently told she has liver cancer and she is open to meeting with my doctor and seeing what he can do to help her. I know my life mission is to help others. To make sure that every person I can come into contact with that has this horrible disease that they have the opportunity to make their own decisions to beat this cancer. 

For the doctor at Piedmont that told me I was in denial of my disease. He is going to get a letter from me and hopefully a letter I am going to ask Dr. Chamsuddin to write to show him that he was wrong... it's sometimes not a matter if someone admits their mistakes... it's sometimes just important enough to show them their mistakes that they may just make a different choice next time.  That to me is all that matters. And should be all that matters to the next person he may give the option to save their own lives too. Y-90 is not the last option for me it was the first and the most effective way to get rid of this disease in my body and for the 7 people that told me not to do it..... I am glad the 1 person was there to treat me and to care about saving a life, that he knew meant something like every single life does. I am a fighter and to be a fighter sometimes is just closing your eyes, believing in something you can't see, and to just go with what you believe will work and Thank God I did! It's been a great two days in my life. I am over the moon! 

Thank you all for reading and sharing my story as always. Don't cry for me Pray for me! 

Blog #44 Fingers Crossed.. Great Doctor, Dedicated Patient, and New Beginnings

When you are facing a battle, and you're in the midst of the fight for your life, you have no time to question your mission!!! You're really only able to go full force ahead with the fight and winning the battle of your life. I have been going through so much over the last 6 months. There has been no time to think much about what I wanted to do... because in times like this, it's about what you have to do to save your life. 

On Friday, last week, I had what we hope was my last Y-90 treatment for my liver cancer. Hoping that the 10% that was left over from the last time will now be completely gone and out of my body... forever. It was hard having that procedure done on Friday since I had just had surgery on Monday and was still having all the full side effects from that. I was fearing for my life. I was afraid to allow myself to be as strong as I knew I had to be in that moment.

In the  one moment I fell completely apart and feared that what we were doing would not work .... I remember laying there and my doctor came up and spoke to me.. He said I didn't have to do it if I didn't want to but it needed to be done. He gave me the choice. (Not that he would have ever let me leave that operating room he didn't fool me for a second). He gave me the confidence in myself to make the choice to do the procedure and to keep the follow through where we began this journey. I cried and looked at him straight into the eyes and said "I just want at the end of all of this to be healed... to be cancer free" he looked at me and said "No one wants that more for you than I do"  In that moment... no amount of pain, fear, or insecurity mattered we are on a mission, a mission that we are on together, a doctor and a patient and I can not even begin to tell you how encouraging that is to someone. To have someone that is working to save your life, that is a doctor that most could really care less about their patients other than their patient number and their payments. I feel cared for. I feel that I was sent by God to a man that would take me into his skilled hands and will do what he can to save my life. Not for any other reason but because of the life that I have left to live and the heart and soul of a woman that has so much left to give in this lifetime. 

Everyone.... tells me how strong I am. I guess when you have no other choice but to be strong there  just are no other options. I have had a really hard time over the last 6 months. I have not cooked, cleaned, done anything much fun. I have been working on healing myself. I have allowed my body for the first time in 45 years to rest. I have listened to when I need to rest and when I am ready to get up and go to work. I have not been a good friend, I have not been the best mom I could be, I have not been a lot of things because I have been working on getting well so I can be all that I need and desire to be. I have been thinking a lot about this journey. It has led some amazing people into my life. People that have pulled themselves inward when all I have tried to do is push them away and keep my distance. Those people would not allow that to happen and for that I am so grateful. It's not easy fighting cancer. It's not easy for anyone. It's so hard on the patient as well as all the family and friends that rally around to comfort and support the person with the disease. I am fighting for my life and if I have to spend every day that the Lord gives me to fight for that day then that is what I plan on doing. I hope my down and bad days are now behind me. Unfortunately, I still have to do chemo, and I have a treatment this coming Wednesday morning. I don't want to do it, I fight it hard but it's imperative to keep the cancer from spreading somewhere else in my body, my biggest fear. So.... I go and have the chemo and I take it like the trooper I am and I sit there with all the other people getting theirs wishing none of us were in that room having to do something so horrible. 

Life isn't easy. There are challenges every single day that we face. We all have one thing or another going on in our lives that makes it tough. I just know that I have learned that the petty things no longer have as much effect on the person that I am and the person I plan on being. I have a heart of gold, I will give anyone anything I have if it would help I look at other people I know that are facing their own battles with cancer, and I want to reach out to them and at this point I am unable too. That is temporary I plan on making my mission to help other cancer patients see the good in the days that they feel so bad. I have no idea where I will begin but I am hoping to start a support group with some people I know.  Just a group of women to have to get together with that truly understands one another fears and insecurities. I thought about joining a support group when I first got sick, but I decided against it, I think it's getting to be about that time.  I hope to meet many people in various stages and cures in their diseases.  There are so many that face this battle in silence that do not want others to know, maybe it's they don't want the attention from others, or whatever, I just know that as long as I have a breath in me, and I am going through something that I can share my experiences with others and to have someone else maybe learn something from me, and my decisions than it makes sharing worth it all to me. 

It would be easy to hide away from the world. There are times I really want to do just that. I want to just make this all go away, I want to just play make believe that this isn't happening to me. No matter how hard I would want that, it wouldn't work.

 I have focused my life around this disease for the last 6 months, trying to rid my body of something I will never see. Never be able to touch and yet, it was doing it's best to kill me. Makes no sense does it? Sometimes the things we can no see, touch, smell, or hear can be our worst enemy, I know I met mine,  but my cancer had no idea how strong and determined I am going to be to make sure it doesn't take any more of my life that I have left to live. I have decided  that I want to focus on Christy, on the people in my life that mean the world to me. I am ready and strong enough to give back for all that I have been given. I know that I don't have to! I want to. I want to know that my life has a purpose and it isn't to fight cancer, my life is to make a difference even if it is in my story of my journey and the hope and desire that I have to live my life every single day. Life is not about what tomorrow brings it's about what you have in this very moment is what is all that matters. Trying refocusing your own life at living in the moment, it's much easier and more fulfilling! 

No one can face this monster alone and no one ever should. I hope to be a light of hope and inspiration in the lives of others that may be facing this today or even in the future. 

Information is knowledge and knowledge leads to life! 

Blog #41 "Courage & Vulnerability"

Life is a journey. A never ending & changing journey that leads us through the days of our lives. As we are truly never knowing or expecting what could happen with the dawn of a new day!  I love these pictures of Samantha and I through the years. The first picture she was about 3 years old. The second picture is her senior picture, there I was pregnant. The last one of us is several weeks ago. I love her so much. I hope that through my life she will understand some of the things in life that make no sense, and never let it falter her desire to be the best person she can be, through all the uncertainties that life seems to throw our way. It's determination, dedication, and the will to make it through the tough times in life that makes us better people all the time. 

The day major changes happened in my life, they were just normal days, same ole same ole things ,and in an instant ....my life changed forever. I reflect on my days of life that changed who  I was, what I thought was important, and often wonder if I could  have ever seen that happening ...if I would have paid more attention? I think we all do that is some form or another.

 Life is meant to be lived. I have had times that I wasn't living my life to it's full potential of happiness. Where I settled for less than what I wanted and and less than I truly deserved just to be comfortable in a uncomfortable life. Living life isn't easy. Letting go, starting over, and stepping outside of our comfort zones to find happiness. Happiness is more important to me now, than it has even been a day in my life before.  You only get one life, it isn't about the job that makes all the money, it isn't about the fancy house and nice cars, it isn't about having the best clothing, let me tell you none of those things even matter a fraction of a percent when you are fighting for your life. None of those things would make a single bit of difference when you are no longer here. 

There have been many times since I have gotten sick that I would sit and look around my house. Looking at all the stuff that I spent my hard earned money on, things I just had to have, and now I wish I could just get rid of it all. I thought about "What if something happened and I didn't make it through this? Where would all my stuff go.... I would leave this earth with every thing I have ever owned left behind.  Left for someone else to take care of after I was dead and gone. It made me sad to think of something so awful, but when you have no idea if you even have a tomorrow, you think about those things. It's almost as if you have to think about those things. As painful as those things can be.  

I am a very raw person, I say what I think and I write about what I feel. In doing so, I am able to release so much frustration and anxiety that I have in my life, that I would be someone totally different if I weren't able to express myself this way. This blog has been an outlet for me. The days that I was fearing death the most, I would log in, start writing, and I was able to turn almost all that negativity I was feeling, into something more inspiring through my own words. 

I was relieved that the cancer has not spread. That the tumors on the right side are 90% gone, and I have to tell  you all I feel like a million dollars. I still hurt in my side, I have pains in my legs, and I have another procedure tomorrow to burn the tumors on the left side, but all in all I am up, I am living life, I was out shopping, having dinner,hanging with family and friends,  and going to the movies over this fourth of July weekend. It has made all the days I laid in the bed and couldn't move, and all the times I have hugged the toilet worth every second of going through .....

Through this journey I have never wanted any one to feel sorry for me. I wanted to share my struggles, I wanted the people that had no idea what cancer means in someone's life, how it feels, What it looks like. And how it affects everyone that loves person with the disease.Before I got sick, I would hear of someone (I didn't really know) that they come down with cancer, and it was bad. I have to be honest, I thought they are not going to make it. Sometimes the person did and sometimes the person didn't. But, my point is... I thought cancer was a complete death sentence. I thought liver cancer was my death sentence. I don't feel that way anymore. What I want out of this disease is:

To be a better person
To find a way to share comfort to others
To give back all that I have been given since I have been sick
To hear the words "Cancer Free"
To get up everyday and know that I am going to live the best life I possibly can
To know that the people that have loved me through this know every day how unbelievably grateful I am for them and their love. 

   No matter the stage of the disease, where it is located, how fast or slow it grows, it's a word, it's a monster, is a problem that is so deeply hurtful to deal with day in and day out. I have had a lot of people tell me "I admire your strength, if it were me, I would be in bed feeling sorry for myself" I have thought about that so many times. You know... You never ever know what you will do ... Until you are faced with a situation. The thing about life is no matter what you have going on with yourself, life continues to go on. The world doesn't stop for our pain, or our sorrows, the world will always continue to go on with or without you.  I personally want to leave part of me behind. I want to share my heart and soul because the generations to come, I possibly will never meet, I want them to know... Their great great great grandmother was a fighter. My own grandmother (my mom's mom) died when my mother was 16, of breast cancer. You know what I know about her in my mind, is that she got sick. My mom had gone to party and came home kissed her mom, my mom told her if you want me to kiss you again, raise your finger, my mom kissed her and she died right then. That's the extent of a life that I know anything about, A woman that created a person that created me. My grandfather was a writer, he could have kept  a journal of her journey through cancer, and he didn't. Never have I seen anything he ever wrote about her, I don't think there is anything left, if he ever even wrote anything at all about her. . He wrote things I do have but honestly, nothing means more to mean that something from the heart and life of another person.

I am never going to be rich or famous. I know that I am simply just a single mom that has made more than my fair share of mistakes in my life, but to me and the ones that love and care for me I am a star. . I have caught a lot of grief from people over the years, thinking I think I am better than most. You know what I have never had the confidence that everyone seems to think that I have. What I have is a caring heart and soul and for me that has brought be further in life than ever having confidence. I put myself out there not because I am not afraid, but because I feel that I have to. It's a calling. It's this strong desire to share myself with people in the world I may never get the chance to meet or even know that gives me the courage to write the words and stories that I do. 

I saw someone that I know the other day write a post on Facebook:

I LOVE one of the rap songs that is popular today. I'm fascinated by the lyrics and appreciate the vulnerability in the words. I wish I had the courage to be so vulnerable many days.

This person is a leader in the church, that speaks the word of God, that is a beautiful person inside and out, I have reflected on her status for many days. And I suppose, the last sentence is what gets to me. I see this person as a leader, the courage of a lion, and vulnerable enough to stand in front of a congregation and share herself with so many to inspire them in their lives to lead them to God. I want her to know she has the courage and all the vulnerability in the world that she wants and that should lead her into new directions of hope and encouragement.  RP you are awesome! I wish I were more like you. I am better at writing my words on a computer screen than I ever will be standing before a crowd. 

We all are things that we never realized we are. We are leaders in how we raise our children,how we handle our relationships, and what we feel about ourselves. No one has a perfect life, it simply can not exist.  Some people hide their lives, they spend so much time trying to keep people from seeing into the inner side of their lives, because the outside looks so picture perfect. It's heartbreaking that they can not allow the world to see them for whom they are. I just believe in being honest. I believe that in sharing my life with the truth that I may just inspire someone else to believe that things in their own lives can honestly get better. 

Today, 5 months into this disease and I am having my  first cup of coffee that... Taste good, and that I have not thrown away with only a few sips missing. I am excited. Changes they happen to us all every single day. Never underestimate the unexpected and be prepared for anything... Because that's .....What life is all about.... 

I start a new journey tomorrow in the recovery of this disease. I am afraid, I hate the unknown, but what I I feel more than fear ...is this amazing desire to be cancer free. I have blindly gone into every aspect of my recovery, I have been afraid but not faltered from the plan. I know that I am in good hands, I have an amazing doctor, and I believe in him and therefore; my fears are less than that might normally have been! 

It hurts to know that this procedure could put me down for a while again, especially since I am feeling so good, I just have to believe that we never get where we are suppose to be without a little pain in life. I might not be able to write my blog for a few days, don't worry .. I am going to make it through this.. I will be back.... And sharing this journey of life for many days to come. 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me.. .....   

Blog #40 AMAZING THINGS HAPPENING.....

I am going to do my best to get through this blog without crying my eyes out.  When I began this journey through cancer on 2/6/2014.... I had no idea what this meant in my life. My picture today is of me and my sweet, Evan Raine and what we think about cancer! 

 I had no idea if I would even be alive in 6 months. The cancer was consuming my liver and all I heard out of the mouth's of every single doctor I met with... "It's really bad" Those words ring in your mind and heart. They were repeated through memory many times. The times I was most afraid. The times I was all alone. The times I didn't even feel good enough to lift up my head.  Those words stung like a million bee's many times over the last 5 months of my life. 

I had a hard time looking into my little girls' eyes and telling her I was getting better every day, because honestly, I wasn't sure that I even believed it. I knew I was fighting with every thing I had in side me.. to beat this cancer but ,I knew deep in my heart how bad it really was. The one thing that had always given me hope was that my liver has been functioning at 100%. The cancer had not caused any damage to my liver at all.

 I worried that the radiation (Y-90) treatment would hurt my liver (which it has not). I had several oncologist around the country telling me that they would not do the Y-90 treatment. That it should be a LAST resort. It could cause damage to the liver and they would not do it. If I would have listened to them I would not today be 90% tumor free on the right side of my liver. I wonder what those doctors would say now?????  They could have made me make another choice in my treatment and be on chemo as they said for the rest of my life and make me feel bad.... and kept me from having a normal life again. They had the opportunity and they gave me the advice not to do the treatment. Thank God we didn't listen. I had found out about the Y-90 in the beginning of the disease and I decided to search my options. That is part of being afraid of making the wrong choice, and part of getting wrong information from doctors that seem to care more about me getting my chemo treatments from them instead of doing this procedure and being 90% tumor free.  I have learned that as long as the person that is in charge of your care, truly cares about you as a patient and a person, that is the person you should trust. I wanted to give my Dr. Abbas Chamsuddin a big hug yesterday and instead I shook his hand. I love him. He has done amazing things that no one else cared a thing about doing for me and that's saving my life and giving me the chance to be cancer free. I love him and I would recommend him to anyone.  I am sure I get on his nerves at times and I am very inquisitive about every thing but I like to be in the know... as to what is going on with me.  The traditional medicine route is not always the traditional medicine route. I trusted my whole heart into someone that I hoped had a way of killing these tumors inside my liver. Not once and still not now has he gave me a promise of anything. I just can see when we communicate the concern not only for me but for my family in helping to rid my body of this disease. Nothing is guaranteed but I know if anyone had a chance of making this happen for me,  it was him. I would hope that through my journey someone else facing the same life altering things that I am would consider reaching out to Dr. Chamsuddin too, he will not steer you wrong and he will care about your recovery as much as he has cared about mine. The man has a heart of gold when it comes to his patients and that is something no medical degree can give anyone. A doctor with a heart and compassion is the best doctor to have. 

Yesterday, was my mama's birthday.She gave me the greatest gift. I know she is fighting for my life in heaven as much as I am fighting for my life here....  I had the pet scan the day before because if the news was bad I didn't want it on her birthday. I got pretty good news from Dr. Chamsuddin the day before saying it got 60% of the tumors but I could see the sense of unhappiness that it had not gotten it all. Most doctors, like us would have been happy with 60% but not him. I went back yesterday with the old pet scan and the new one and he realized it had gotten more than he thought, 90%.. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream with excitement, except I am one of those that the news has to sink in. I have to think about it, I have to analyze it all in my mind. I slept good last night and woke this morning feeling like I have been given a second chance at life and how simply amazing that feels. 

Throughout this journey I have been nothing with honest. I have had more fear in the last 5 months than I ever knew I could feel. I have cried more tears than I ever knew could be inside my body. I have worried and been to the brink of not sure if I would ever get up and out into the world again, and here I am today. 90% of the cancer on the right side is gone and now I go and have another procedure on July 8th, to burn the ones on the left side off of my liver. I am going in this procedure stronger than I did the last time. I am hopeful that by the end of the summer I can be cancer free. I can stop the chemo and I can live a normal life again. I will certainly be closely monitored and today I have more hope for a long life than I have in a very long time.  GO TEAM CHRISTY! 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me and know that I am a VERY lucky person to have all and to be all that I am! 

Blog #30... Rude people, God's Grace, and Strength beyond measure

 My blog picture today is my precious grandson, Landon Reid 
(aka Lanbug) last Friday night he got the  game ball at his baseball game. He is going to be a superstar, and I can't wait for him to play professional baseball and take good care of his old grandma!


Having cancer is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with, in my life. I can still remember the somber look on the ER Doctor's face when he told me the news. I can still remember the pain that hurt so deep, and yet in that moment I knew that I was in for the fight of my life. I had no idea where this journey was going to lead me, but I knew that I was going to beat this cancer.

Over the last several weeks, I have had some hard moments, those moments that I feared death. That I could not get my mind to wrap around the fact that I was sick, and much less could not be here to see my daughter and grandson grow up. The legacy of  my life are my two daughters and grandson. The people that I love and how they will emotionally suffer once I am gone. I spent so much time hurting for everyone else and the fears that come with this horrid disease. There wasn't a day that I did not cry, it was almost unbearable to talk about.  I have days I still get upset and now I am back on the mission of kicking this cancers ass and spreading my story to share the hope and joys of the life we have in the now, in this moment. 

I miss eating what I want, more than I could ever describe. I miss a glass of wine out with the girls on a Friday night. I miss so many things about how my life use to be. However, this is my new life. My new purpose. My new hearts desire to beat this, to spread the miracle of there is always hope and to be extremely honest with all of you about how I am feeling. I still fear dying, I will always carry some part of that fear with me, but my desire to live gets a little stronger with each day I fight this battle. I have no idea what is going to happen, I just believe that God, all of you, my family, and friends that pray for and believe in me every day has a huge part in my healing and my ability to fight this battle every single day. 

I met a mother yesterday, her daughter passed away 6 years ago from a very aggressive form of liver cancer. We sat and talked for an hour. We just shared our hearts and stories of what liver cancer means in each of our lives. The wisdom and courage she has amazed me. She is a beautiful person and her strength was something that made me feel so much better. The compassion from a stranger is something that totally melts my heart, her desire to take me on as a new friend and lend me her prayers and concern after all she personally has gone through is nothing less than amazing to me. I hope that she knows this and I can't truly wait to get to know her more. 

I go back to the oncologist tomorrow. I am not going to lie, I am afraid. I plan on hearing how great I am doing and then I have this "Traditional Medicine" fear that he might not agree this time. I should not allow myself to feel this way but honestly I can not seem to always control my mind these days, but honestly Who could?

Cancer has made me realize how precious life is.... How no matter how long we have in life we are not certain if there will even be a tomorrow. Every day that I wake up, I say "Thank You" because I am so grateful to be alive today, and every day that I have left to live. 

I look at myself in the mirror and the way my body has changed with eating healthy, and I see myself 35 pounds lighter and I look at my face that has less dark circle under my eyes, and I fit perfectly into clothes that I never dreamed I would wear again. I feel amazing. I run into people that say "You look better than I have seen you look in 10 years" I smile a huge smile. And then I run into other people that say "You have gotten to skinny. Your face looks sunk in and blah blah blah... I go back to that mirror and start questioning myself again 

It makes me angry that some people are just so stupid. First off, I never hear from those people, they never call to see how I am doing or even what I am doing. They are not the ones that know the fears I have with this disease and yet, somehow they feel entitled to voice their opinion about how I look. I just want to slap them, they make me question myself and it almost makes me want to never walk outside of my four walls so I don't have to deal with other people's opinion. Instead, I make excuses. I give them the reason and tell them I don't agree and then you know what I go home and cry. People are seriously very rude. Saying something mean to someone, does that make that person feel better about themselves? They shouldn't because honestly the people that have said it to me  should be on the same diet as me and they would look better themselves with a sunk in face instead of chubby cheeks. Just saying. I will not allow other people to get me down, they try their best. They are the devil working on me and in the long run they have their own insecurities. That is not my problem and I wake up another day, look in the mirror and I am happier with the way I look than I was the day before. I doubt they are! 


Having cancer for me isn't about just having cancer and trying to fight it, it is dealing with other people. Every one says you put yourself out there, and you should expect people to react. Well, I am not looking for pity in this disease when I share it, I expect and hope that people can find a compassion in their heart's for another human being and an understanding that really they can only really know if they were dealing with this themselves. A friend's brother was diagnosed last week and he said to me "I read every one of your blogs Christy and I  hurt for you then, but I had no idea how hurtful it was until it happened in my own family" It's very true, you will not understand this unless it happens to you to the extent of the pain it causes you and your family but I hope that through my journey I can share the good and bad days, the hurt and joy and to maybe, just maybe, make someone else's journey through this one day a little more comforting! I am happy. I feel good. I look good, I laugh a lot, I smile often. I get up with a mission of working, loving my kids and family, and beating cancer one day at a time. I get to see my daughter, Evan play softball and see the overwhelming joy on her face when she gets out on the field. I love to see her happy. I love that I can be who I am and that I will not allow cancer to take my soul and spirit. I believe that life has so much to be grateful for even in times that you are going through a hard time in life.I love meeting new people, and I enjoy all that life has to offer in a way that I never could have before now. I am humbled and grateful and appreciate each new day every new day! 



Life isn't fair, one day life is going along just fine and dandy and the next you are fighting for your life. I could as I always say, sit back and feel sorry for myself, but honestly, I am fighting way to hard to have be thinking Poor Pitiful Me... Right now, I am getting better, I feel it in my body! I feel it in my heart! If I could make my mind feel it 100% of the time then I would be PERFECT....

This is going to be a long journey, it is not and will not be a bed of roses but I know that I am loved, prayed for, cared about, and thought of often by so many people, friends and strangers alike! God hears our prayers and I know that I have just as great of a chance to me a miracle as anyone else. I am praying for and believing in God's Grace. 

Please continue to pray for me and my family. This road is bumpy and sometimes in the midst of the journey it is unbearable. I pray for strength for us all. I pray for God's Grace and I pray that I help one other person with this journey I travel. Thank you all for all the donations, cards, gifts and for being there for me with each new day! 

Don't cry for me....Pray for me!