Blog #92 When you accept things and live beyond your expectations

Home Sweet Home. Our trip to Mexico was awesome. The weather was perfect. The breeze off the ocean was simply heaven. I felt good all week...other than my back pain, nothing really hurt. The beach massage helped that... some. I got a little tired walking back and forth from our room to the beach but it wasn't so bad. 

The resort was beautiful.  The food was good. I'm still not able to eat a lot at once.. so I found myself eating several times throughout the day. Which was fine with me. At breakfast I would grab a few boxes of cereal and have a morning snack laying there on the  beach with my 70 proof sunscreen on under the umbrella.I honestly spent  most of my days there ..writing my book. I enjoyed that. There's just something very  special about writing such a heartbreaking and inspirational story in such an amazing place. 

It's weird the few people that I met on the trip... one lady was from England she's   in remission  from breast cancer  for 5 years. Another couple their best friend had been battling cancer and on the airplane ride home I sat next to a sweet couple that she was in remission from lung cancer that had metatized to her liver and been Cancer free for 2 1/2 years now.   It's so crazy Cancer is everywhere.  I hope to hear remission one day myself and yet today in this moment... I find myself at the swimming pool with my daughter and grandson. Something I wasn't able to do last summer. I didn't even spend the money to join our neighborhood pool last year because I knew that there was no way I could take her! I promised her so many times last  summer that I was going to be better next year, and here I am feeling good and glad that I can enjoy this time again with her!  It's been a long 12 months. My first treatment was the Y90 on 5/22/2014   Almost a whole year ago. I reflect back on all that I have been through and how I have felt ...to be honest I don't really even know how I have gotten through it other than a great doctor, prayers, and God's Grace. 

I hope that my story is read and shared to show that no matter how painful and bad you feel that the days that you find yourself up and feeling so good again makes every single day of misery worth it all. I'm all about my family and friends. My heart is tender and it's been tested so many times over this last year. I've spent a lot of time soul searching laying in my bed and knowing that when and if I made it through this, I would forever be changed.  I feel that I have been changed for the better. I've been changed to be and accept the things that will never make sense to me. I will never understand Cancer I will never understand a lot of things but I know now that I don't have to know it all. I just have learned to appreciate each and every day I have and to share my story in hopes to make a difference in someone else's life. That's very important to me. I personally haven't had anyone else to learn from I learned together with the people I've met on on this often ever so lonely road.   I wish I had someone that shared their personally journey with me that I could read and know what to expect. I know that everyone is different but the basic information of what I could expect with each procedure I was having would've been nice. 

I feel like I'm a pro now. I know what going to happen and what to expect with the aftermath of each procedure and chemo treatment 

Life is good. I'm at a great place. Evan is out of the school for the summer and that takes a lot of pressure off. No fighting to get up and get ready in time for the bus and homework. It's fun time even though I  plan for her to do some tutoring this summer she's struggling a little with math and I think some one on one attention will help her with that.  She ended the school year with all B's like most parents I would like all A's. She's capable of it and with a little extra expense and time I think she will be jumping ahead a little bit I would rather her be ahead than behind! I want her to have every opportunity to be whatever she choses to be and even though she's just 7 I feel it's the perfect time to get things started! 

Life is just always full of stuff. Things that need to be done and things that have to be. Even with me being sick life has continued to go on. I slowed way down in my life, in a lot of ways and to be perfectly honest it wasn't such a bad thing anyways. I've been an overachiever my entire life.  Settling for less has just never been an option for me. Just being average wasn't ever meant for me and I find that the same as I have battled this disease.  I knew from that very  first day

 I would be giving this monster all I had inside of me to give to fight it off. And days like my week in Mexico and today by the pool with the kids is all part of my reward for fighting! There have been times I wasn't sure that I would make it through that day much less a year into treatment and feeling good. 

I'm back to chemo next week. I hate it. I can't lie about that but I know that I have to do whatever it takes to keep this monster manageable and for me it's all about making sure that happens. This summer with doing every other week will help a lot on having time to do things with the kids and feeling good enough to do them. 

I am excited a friend's daughter is having her gender reveal party tonight and it's nice being able to go and do things that at one time in this journey, I would not have been able to do.  

You never know how hard it is to overcome something until you are giving Some thing you are going through your all! This journey has been as tough mentally as it has physically at times. I think I did a good job of keeping it all together. There were times I thought I would lose my mind   I worried way too much, and thought about to many different scenarios. I had things to plan out just in case and things I had to come to grips with in my mind. I spent a lot of time alone thinking about what to do   How to handle certain situations and how to just stay within the moment and not to let myself get to far ahead. I was talking with someone about some of the things that I have already prepared for and they took it as a negative when  really we should all be prepared for what could happen especially people with small children. It's important not only because you are sick ...but because honestly... you never know what might happen.  Life is short. I do feel like one of the lucky ones.

 I know Sweet Melissa's funeral is today. Even though I never met her in person following in her own journey through ovarian cancer I felt I had gotten to know her. I cheered her own, prayed for her, and cried when I knew her time on this earth was close to the end. It's hard.  Some times life just doesn't make any sense. How the pain of losing someone is never easy. The fact is... We are all going to die one day of one thing or another. None of us will live forever. So don't waste your days being unhappy. I keep reading a friends post on FB about her cheating husband and how she had caught him cheating over and over again and just saying those words of an idle threat that never go past words. I say if you are that unhappy and willing to share the infidelity with the world you should be strong enough to let the relationship go because everyone deserves to be happy. Talk is cheap and actions speak much louder than words. 

I thought about how I never dreamed 12 months ago I would have been able to go on a week long girls trip out of the country. How I still have my life to live and how it's really nothing short of a miracle that truly is.  I am enjoying feeling good and know that I have so many more days so good left to live and enjoy. 

I'm happy to be home and I'm happy to be me. No matter what I've endured and no matter how much further I have to go it's my legacy, my story, my life to share in hopes to bring brighter days to someone else in need 

Don't cry for me. Pray for me. Know that nothing last forever and with determination and God's GRACE anything is possible. 

Blog #87 Emory, MRI, and Hope for Remission

On my way to Emory to have an MRI early this morning, to see if the tumor board will approve a resection of my liver on the right side. Doesn't that sound like a horrible way to start the week? It does in some ways and yet in others it could be what gives me back a Cancer free life and how can that be horrible?

I'm very nervous as to the results. I am a control freak and traveling this journey there isn't a thing I'm able to control. I just have to "GO WITH IT" sometimes that really is just the hardest thing to do. I have all my faith in Dr Chamsuddin and if he feel this is my only option than I refuse to question it. I know he will only lead me down the road of success through fighting this 

Yesterday,  I spent most of the afternoon crying when no one else was around and just cried my eyes out. Cried because I have this disease .. I cried because I still have to fight.I  Cried for the unknown which is dumb because really there is nothing to cry about when you don't even know what you are crying for. I have to do this. I have to go lay my little body in a tube for 30 minutes while a machine spins around me making images of my body so that the specialist on a board at Emory can make a decision about what can and should be done with me. This Cancer is nasty. It's slow growing but regardless it's growing inside of me as we did the Y90 I pray to God got it all... but the issue is this beast just wants to come back! It likes me. It like attacking my body and as I work so hard to fight to get rid of it apparently it's  fighting just as hard to stay just where it is! 

I'm okay. I'm recovering well from the last Y90 a few days ago. It takes a little time and my body needs rest and it's really hard to rest good when you are taking steroids ...those just seem to jack me up. I only slept a few hours last night. My mind kept wondering all over the place. I want to just tell it sometimes to just stop thinking to give me break! It doesn't work. 

It been a tough week I loss 3 people I know that had Cancer and were fighting for their lives. I hurts every time I hear about anyone passing from this horrible disease but it doesn't do anything less than make me want to fight harder.

 

I'm not a quitter I have never a day in my life been a quiter and I'm not about to start now just because the battle has gotten tougher. I have the strongest desire to live inside me. I want to see my little girl grow up. I deserve this. Everyone deserves this and like so many before me and so many that will  be after me I will fight my ass off to the bitter end. 

I have things I want to do and I am hoping that I can see those things through to the end of success. 

I'm almost there to get this done and I've put my big girl panties on and I will walk into this appointment as confident as I always do and know no matter what I feel inside I have a mission to accomplish and this is just another step in my ultimate recovery. 

The MRI was a success. I have never had one before ...so I really didn't know what to expect. I knew it couldn't really be that different from a CT Scan or a Pet Scan. I was taken back immediately, that's the plus of being the first patient of the day. I had to change into a hospital gown and a huge pair of hospital pants.  I laid on a the scan table and was given an IV for the dye that would be administered during the test (another thing I wasn't expecting) the machine is weird. It's like a tunnel you are pushed into and you are given huge headphones I wasn't sure what those were for until I was in the machine and the buzzing and machine itself was incredibly loud. It wasn't bad in and out of there in less than 20 minutes. I left the hospital thinking... well lets say not thinking and didn't get a copy of my disc. Once I got back to work Dr Chamsuddin called to remind me ( I'm not sure he thought he had to remind me but I think he thought I would have been there already. Because he knows I'm on top of it. I'm there before he even ever calls to see me) so I had to get  my driver(Chris) to come back and get me. I couldn't drive  because I have to taken a pain pill as my back hurts and I'm  still recovering from the procedure, Chris took me back down to Emory, I waited an hour, and off we went to Covington to drop it off at the hospital.

  It's there and when he gets the chance he will view it. It's been a long day and now I'm home laying in my bed resting and trying to recover before having to go and do chemo on Wednesday morning. Tomorrow should be a full day at the office, at least I hope so.   

A friend of mine texted me today and I thought I would share what she said about Dr Chamsuddin:

He is everything I would want in a doctor.  So glad you have him in your court!

Don't cry for me... Pray for me. Pray that the best decision is made for my future because I plan on living a long time and fighting for every day I have if I have to!!!

Blog #83 ..Seeing the good through bad news

It's not been one of the best days of my life but honestly it's not been the worst either.  

How do you describe something that hurts so bad ...that in the initial moment of finding out about it you... find yourself just completely lost for words? The pet scan didn't reveal what we had hoped for! The great news is we were able to completely destroy all the tumors that were there originally. The accomplishment of that in itself is a HUGE victory, one that most people with my disease never accomplish in their own battle. I totally rejoice in the fact that what we set out to destroy is ...gone. The part of the new tumors was the tough news. I wanted to at least be in remission before this stupid crap came back. This nasty little life altering monster that would rather see me dead than alive. The part of Cancer it doesn't seem to understand is when it kills its enemy it kills itself. It's like a stupid self bomber! How ridiculous is that?  It comes down to me getting it first. 

I have to say without Newton Medical Center, Dr. Chamsuddin and God I would not be alive today. There is no doubt in my mind. God has led me to where I am supposed to be with the amazing doctor that has led me this far. This far being alive and so much better than where I was when this journey first began. I'm so far from that place. I've felt like the doors of Newton Medical Center have opened up to me and my family.  They have given me my life and how do you ever say how much you appreciate that? 

Today ...I have been through every emotion you could ever even imagine. I've questioned myself with this and that. I've cried, screamed and wanted to just hit someone as hard as I could. I wanted to just go get a bucket full of rocks and throw them through the windshields as well as the windows of every car in the parking lot at my office. I wanted a release from the anger that I was feeling inside my heart. I wanted to question God "Why me?" Wondering what I could have done to deserve this horrible disease. But what I told myself is ..."why not me?" I looked deep inside myself and drew the strength that I know my fighting spirit has to fight and beat this monster! I am willing to go the long haul with this disease.  I've never been a quitter in my whole life. I've never known this kind of dedication and determination before, I've never had to ...but that doesn't mean that I won't do this. I will not give up. I can cry, I am not a robot. I can be disappointed ...I can cuss, scream and hate this disease for all that it is but at the end of the day, the end of every single day I will know I have done all that I personally can to destroy this monster inside of me. I have the best doctor and I know in my heart and soul  without a shadow of a doubt that he will do every thing  within his power to make this happen for me! I trust in his judgement and decisions for my care. How many people have that much faith and confidence in their doctor as I do? 

Most people tell me "I couldn't have done all that you've done" I think to myself you do whatever options there are to save your life. You never know what you would do in any situation until your in it. Most people aren't as strong as I am. I agree with that. Most people crack and completely break down when things don't go the way they expected them to go! Most people take the easy road and give up! It would be easier to just let this be what it is ...the hard part is getting up every day and not only fighting my way to the next day but just living with the lows and picking myself up long enough to get myself to the next high. I am stronger than I ever thought I could be.  Instead of going home and getting in my bed and falling apart and crying my eyes out. I picked up my daughter and grandson from school, met friends at DQ for free ice cream and went to the park with a friend of Evans and her family. 

At the park the girls saw a guy fishing off the bank and they walked over to watch him.  My grandson asked the guy "can I fish?"  He took 3 fishing poles and let the kids fish. He asked me "how's your day?" I replied "it's good" and I watched the kids having a ball. I told him "your act of kindness means more than you will ever know" it wasn't about me in that moment it was about the kids but I wanted him to know how much allowing them to fish meant to me. There are some amazing people in the world. I'm glad we met him today and I got to make a little joke with my oldest daughter about replacing my liver with the chicken livers they were all fishing with. I laughed she really didn't. LOL 

Cancer isn't easy. It's not easy on the people that love and care about me. It's heartbreaking but a broken heart mends and for me a day of crying and I'm back on the saddle. It's crazy but while talking to Dr Chamsuddin and having to hear him  share the news with me in our very serious conversation (the serious conversation that isn't our usual joking tones) I found myself wondering how it hurt him not only to see the new tumors but to have to share this with me. He knows me not only as a patient.. but as a person. He knows my friends and my family. He knows how this news would upset me. Having to put his own feelings aside and just have the truthful conversation with me was hard.  I know it was. My first call was to my best friend in this world, my brother. I know the news hurt him in ways that only the two of us will understand. He's been amazing through all of this and it hurt me more than anything to have to tell him. I knew it would hurt him like a knife through his heart as he tried to comfort me and told me its going to be okay! He is the best brother in the world. I wouldn't know what I would do without him beside me. He's there in the good and bad news and suffers through the initial pain to get us moving full force to keep fighting! 

 Everyone in the hospital knows me and I know as the word spreads in the hospital there will also be a lot more disappointed people that  are there every time cheering me on. The hospital for me ...isn't just a hospital its a support system as their patient they all care about me and my well being. Something ...you will never get at a big hospital. That's what makes its the right place for me to be. I dropped off my disc the other day and saw at least 6 people working there that stopped me and told me how great I looked and how happy they were to see me. I'm blessed on so many levels. 

So I with bad news today there was good news. The good news is there is still the option for me to keep fighting. Another Y90. Bad thing is we're going to be doing it during spring break. My plans altered to have another chance at beating this seems more than worth it to me. Since my Mexico trip is already paid for  May 8th-14th I hope to be able to go if not I'll be giving my trip to someone else. I won't allow it to go to waste. I've earned that vacation and I plan to go and enjoy every single second of it. 

If you allow the set backs in life to alter your future ..they most certainly will. I refuse. 

I've got more fighting to do and I've got a lot of fight left inside me to use and I plan to give it my all. 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me. 

Blog #60... What is right for you .. may not be right for anyone else.

I have learned a lot over these last 9 months. I have learned what is important and what truly isn't. I spent most of my life thinking one way.... to completely have my thoughts changed by a disease that could have taken my life. It's weird how something like cancer can make you see yourself and the world clearer than you probably ever would have. 

Today, I am thinking of Brittany Maynard. The controversy that is around her decision to chose to end her own life. I see so many negative comments. On one hand I  understand their feelings, as before getting sick... I would have felt the same way. I would have thought she was selfish and all those "What if's" because her life was not mine nor anyone else but her own choice to live or die the way she did....

You never know what it is like to be sick ...until you are sick! You can never know how it feels to be told that you have cancer and that it will take your life in a horrible way. There are no words that I... nor anyone else can say that can express how that feels. You can pretend someone says it to you ...but it's so different when it's a reality. I can not even begin to understand the fear and peace in those final moments she had in her life. To go with the grace and dignity that she so wanted is something amazing to me. With me having cancer my biggest fear and pain I feel is that my family would have to watch me suffer through the end of this disease. It's the most heartbreaking thing I think that could have ever happened in my life. It's not so much about me suffering it's the people that love and surround me that I would not want them to watch me in those final days that my life is just taken away from me little by little.

 I chose to fight for my life. I never allowed myself to believe that I would die. I couldn't because I have so much to live for, yet none of us are promised tomorrow, not now and not ever. As much as we all wish there was a way to have cured Brittany, there was no way, she was told that she had 6 months to live. To be told you are dying  is the worst feeling in the world ...until you are living in those moments of death. I don't know that I would have the strength that Brittany had, because I am a believer, I am one of those people that believe in miracles, they happen every day, look at me I am one of those miracles. I've cried for Brittany. A woman that I have never and never will meet, she gave me a lot of things to think about as she has done for so many. She chose the route that she wanted to take. She fought for what she believed in  and I can only imagine the horrible things that people have said to her, but at the end of what she felt was her life she made her choice, I personally admire and respect her decision. I wish she would not have had to make it, that she never had to take that medicine that took the last part of her life here on earth away from her, but her wish came true and that is what matters most ... Brittany died for her belief's, her purpose, her desire to die with dignity and grace. God Bless Brittany... You are a stranger to me but we had a common disease that bonded me to you..... 

We are all given the chance to make our own decisions in life and believe me your views and values change when you are facing a life threatening disease! Cancer is horrible, cancer isn't a disease that is an easy fix it's mentally as difficult as it is physically

I am still off the chemo and my appetite is better than it's been in months and months. I feel good a feeling that I have been longing to feel again for so long. I see that light at the end of the tunnel. I am looking forward to having another procedure next week. I am ready for Dr. Chamsuddin to finish what he has started, so that I can go on with my life. I can live the life I been giving a second chance at living. How many people are truly given a second chance at life? How many take that opportunity to do something that could help others? I don't think I will ever know the answer to that question but what I do know is... I think about all the things I am going to do when I hear those words that my pet scan is clear! I have some influence to make in some certain doctor's views. I want them to know that if I can survive they have a greater chance at helping their other patients survive as well.  I am living proof that  these treatments work. 

I've connected with some amazing people through fighting for my life. I have met people with cancer that I sit next to every Wednesday and we share our stories while we are there to get our chemo, the poison that is going into our bodies as we try and save our lives. We share something that I can not share with most people I know. We encourage one another, we asked questions, and we cheer one another on in our victories no matter how big or small they may be. My friend I usually sit next to is older than me, she is the sweetest person. She is there every other Wednesday from 8-4 getting chemo and sitting right there beside her is her husband, waiting to do whatever it is she might be needing. The other day I asked her "Do you rent him out?" She laughed, actually the whole room laughed. It's so  sweet to see them together so in love and happy... in what is probably the scariest time of their lives. Makes me jealous. You can not pretend to love someone, it's there and shining bright as a full moonlit night or it's not there at all. I love to see people so in love, these days it's rare, I must admit! 

Today, I see my oncologist again as a follow up. I have decided to go ahead and get chemo this week. I want this monster gone and I think the break I have had over the past several weeks has been good for me, it's built me back up and I am now ready to continue this journey and see it to the end of the CANCER FREE zone. I have come so far. I have given up my life over the last 9 months to get myself well and what's a few more months in the journey to be in remission of a disease that takes most people's lives?

I hope you are all having a great week and are finding ways to make yourself happier today then you were on yesterday! Happiness isn't something you go searching for.. Happiness come from within. Be happy in all that you do. Because it's one of the most important parts of life that most people seem never to find. I have another friend that has cancer, I spoke with his brother several times and he said "We are all at peace with this disease" That is a great way to be, I am not quite there yet, peace and cancer for me just can't be combined. Life is short so find the happiness in any thing and every single thing around you. I do my best to do that myself. 

Don't Cry For Me.... Pray For Me!