Blog #60... What is right for you .. may not be right for anyone else.

I have learned a lot over these last 9 months. I have learned what is important and what truly isn't. I spent most of my life thinking one way.... to completely have my thoughts changed by a disease that could have taken my life. It's weird how something like cancer can make you see yourself and the world clearer than you probably ever would have. 

Today, I am thinking of Brittany Maynard. The controversy that is around her decision to chose to end her own life. I see so many negative comments. On one hand I  understand their feelings, as before getting sick... I would have felt the same way. I would have thought she was selfish and all those "What if's" because her life was not mine nor anyone else but her own choice to live or die the way she did....

You never know what it is like to be sick ...until you are sick! You can never know how it feels to be told that you have cancer and that it will take your life in a horrible way. There are no words that I... nor anyone else can say that can express how that feels. You can pretend someone says it to you ...but it's so different when it's a reality. I can not even begin to understand the fear and peace in those final moments she had in her life. To go with the grace and dignity that she so wanted is something amazing to me. With me having cancer my biggest fear and pain I feel is that my family would have to watch me suffer through the end of this disease. It's the most heartbreaking thing I think that could have ever happened in my life. It's not so much about me suffering it's the people that love and surround me that I would not want them to watch me in those final days that my life is just taken away from me little by little.

 I chose to fight for my life. I never allowed myself to believe that I would die. I couldn't because I have so much to live for, yet none of us are promised tomorrow, not now and not ever. As much as we all wish there was a way to have cured Brittany, there was no way, she was told that she had 6 months to live. To be told you are dying  is the worst feeling in the world ...until you are living in those moments of death. I don't know that I would have the strength that Brittany had, because I am a believer, I am one of those people that believe in miracles, they happen every day, look at me I am one of those miracles. I've cried for Brittany. A woman that I have never and never will meet, she gave me a lot of things to think about as she has done for so many. She chose the route that she wanted to take. She fought for what she believed in  and I can only imagine the horrible things that people have said to her, but at the end of what she felt was her life she made her choice, I personally admire and respect her decision. I wish she would not have had to make it, that she never had to take that medicine that took the last part of her life here on earth away from her, but her wish came true and that is what matters most ... Brittany died for her belief's, her purpose, her desire to die with dignity and grace. God Bless Brittany... You are a stranger to me but we had a common disease that bonded me to you..... 

We are all given the chance to make our own decisions in life and believe me your views and values change when you are facing a life threatening disease! Cancer is horrible, cancer isn't a disease that is an easy fix it's mentally as difficult as it is physically

I am still off the chemo and my appetite is better than it's been in months and months. I feel good a feeling that I have been longing to feel again for so long. I see that light at the end of the tunnel. I am looking forward to having another procedure next week. I am ready for Dr. Chamsuddin to finish what he has started, so that I can go on with my life. I can live the life I been giving a second chance at living. How many people are truly given a second chance at life? How many take that opportunity to do something that could help others? I don't think I will ever know the answer to that question but what I do know is... I think about all the things I am going to do when I hear those words that my pet scan is clear! I have some influence to make in some certain doctor's views. I want them to know that if I can survive they have a greater chance at helping their other patients survive as well.  I am living proof that  these treatments work. 

I've connected with some amazing people through fighting for my life. I have met people with cancer that I sit next to every Wednesday and we share our stories while we are there to get our chemo, the poison that is going into our bodies as we try and save our lives. We share something that I can not share with most people I know. We encourage one another, we asked questions, and we cheer one another on in our victories no matter how big or small they may be. My friend I usually sit next to is older than me, she is the sweetest person. She is there every other Wednesday from 8-4 getting chemo and sitting right there beside her is her husband, waiting to do whatever it is she might be needing. The other day I asked her "Do you rent him out?" She laughed, actually the whole room laughed. It's so  sweet to see them together so in love and happy... in what is probably the scariest time of their lives. Makes me jealous. You can not pretend to love someone, it's there and shining bright as a full moonlit night or it's not there at all. I love to see people so in love, these days it's rare, I must admit! 

Today, I see my oncologist again as a follow up. I have decided to go ahead and get chemo this week. I want this monster gone and I think the break I have had over the past several weeks has been good for me, it's built me back up and I am now ready to continue this journey and see it to the end of the CANCER FREE zone. I have come so far. I have given up my life over the last 9 months to get myself well and what's a few more months in the journey to be in remission of a disease that takes most people's lives?

I hope you are all having a great week and are finding ways to make yourself happier today then you were on yesterday! Happiness isn't something you go searching for.. Happiness come from within. Be happy in all that you do. Because it's one of the most important parts of life that most people seem never to find. I have another friend that has cancer, I spoke with his brother several times and he said "We are all at peace with this disease" That is a great way to be, I am not quite there yet, peace and cancer for me just can't be combined. Life is short so find the happiness in any thing and every single thing around you. I do my best to do that myself. 

Don't Cry For Me.... Pray For Me! 

Blog #37.... Rocky Days and Heartfelt Love ....

I've had a really tough go of the Y-90 treatment! For the first several days it was fine, I was pretty much bed ridden and needed the rest, but for the most part I felt really good, It wasn't until about a week after the treatment that I noticed my legs were swollen and while doing something special for my little daughter, I almost passed out in the American Girl store. I went home feeling defeated. I know that I can not expect to feel perfect after all that I have been through but I have never in my life been one, to feel tired and down. I needed rest and I needed to remind myself that the Y-90 treatment is a radiation that is put into my body and I needed to heal from the procedure. 

This past Sunday I woke up to the most miserable pain in my right shoulder than I have ever felt. A pain that I could not even describe where it started and stopped, it just felt like it was engulfing my shoulder and back with stabbing pain. My first thought was, the port has gotten infected. Since the doctor inserted the port the day of the Y-90 treatment it has not felt great. It is a rectangle box looking thing that sticks out under the skin and a tube that goes up to my neck. It's not the most pleasant thing, and besides it's a foreign thing inside my body. I got my neighbor to drive me to the hospital. I was not and will not take any chances with my body. I have to listen to what it's telling me, and if there is pain, I want to know the source and should be proactive with making sure every thing is working the way it's suppose to. When I got the ER the doctor said, he did not think it was the port, it looked good to him but at my request they would do a chest x-ray and a ultrasound, just to be sure.  There could be numerous things wrong, the port could have been infected, I could have had a blood clot, or the port had shifted and hit a nerve. 

 I wanted answers and I was not leaving the hospital until I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this port was not my complication. After the test, the doctor said the port looks perfect, the position is perfect and there appears to be no blood clots. He said that it may have shifted some and may be on a nerve and prescribed me some more pain medicine and sent me home. I went home and rested the rest of the day, and when I woke Monday morning the pain so so intense I was screaming in pain and crying. Luckily, my doctor that performed the surgery called and said that the right shoulder pain is from the radiation getting into and killing the cancer cells and they are hitting a nerve that is generating from my liver up to my shoulder. I knew he was telling me the truth because on my first liver biopsy, he hit a nerve that day that caused a lot of right shoulder pain that went away within an hour. My doctor was so happy I was in such pain, and advised me to call the oncologist and have him prescribe me morphine for the pain.  After taking the morphine, I felt like a vegetable, I took it every 4 hours like clock work, until the next morning, when I took it, it made me feel so out of control and so bad that I was determined that I could deal with pain more than I could deal with the way that morphine made me feel. It was crazy. I stopped taking it several days ago and I have to be honest I never want to take that stuff again. I am alive and I want to feel alive and taking that took something mentally away from me that I just can not deal with!

 

This disease is something that takes the heart and soul of the person with the disease and it's as if you are put on a roller coaster facing the up's and down's.. but it is almost as if you are blind folded because you can not see nor feel when the next rise and fall is going to be.The things that take your breath away in a blink of an eye.

I wish I never was faced with this disease. The ER doctor said "You don't fit the profile for liver cancer, You look so good I would have never know you were as sick as you are" I have to say this is what makes this disease so hard for me. It's almost as if I don't believe I am sick when I look at myself in the mirror, but the further along I go into the process of recovery I feel the effects I had not felt before of the disease. Maybe it's not even the disease it's the side effects of this disease that effects me. 

Cancer really sucks. Being told you have a certain life expectancy is hard. I had to change oncologist when I decided to do the Y-90 treatment because my traditional, old fashioned doctor said he didn't believe in it. His only solution for me was chemo and I had been told several times that would not save my life. I am not in this battle to live until tomorrow or next week. I am the warrior doing everything I can so that in 15 -30 years I am still here and living a good life. I only have hope and my faith and for anyone to challenge either of those things isn't good. I am going to win or lose this battle on my terms, the things I believe in, the things that give me HOPE and if someone isn't on board with that, than they are on the wrong healing ship! 

I am not in denial of this disease, what I am is a woman fighting for every right that she has to save her life. To leave no stone unturned in trying to find the right way to heal me and cure this disease from my body. I have no idea if I will ever be cured but what I believe is that I can maintain my life, I can be one of these people living for many years fighting off the progression of this disease. I am doing everything I need to do, and that is what makes this battle so hard. I have no idea how long I will live, I just know that through my faith, dedication, and constant encouragement and prayers from others I can stand to fight another day. 

I cry a lot, when I was first diagnosed I had no idea what this disease would mean in mine and my families life. It's heartbreaking, but together we face each day and new challenge that comes about and pray that I overcome something that is trying it's best to kill me. 

The longer I go through this recovery the more people I am hearing about getting this disease. It breaks my heart.It is a disease that everyone else gets, not you, that's how I felt. But you know what, I have cancer, and I have to take the bull by the horns and try every bit of ammunition I have to beat this monster. I know that everyone tells me if anyone can beat this disease, it's me. That I am the strongest person they know ...Sometimes I wonder if I am really strong at all.I know I am because I get up each day and I face this with all that I have inside of me. I don't falter from the plan, even though sometimes I have every excuse and reason to do so. What makes me a warrior is my ability to not let this defeat me. To not give in the the disease I have been told I have and realizing that every day I wake up is a new chance to beat this. I know a lot of people in my inner circle worry about me all the time, they pray for me. and they encourage me even when they are afraid of the outcome of this horrible disease. Nothing is set in stone ... No one knows what will and will not happen with me. I just know that I want to live one day at a time. I want to embrace the good days that will give me encouragement and hope through the rocky ones ahead. They say  You have to get worse before you can get better. I thought that saying was so stupid, that is until it happened to me. 

I am still working as much as my body will allow me too. I go in and if I am feeling bad I leave, go home. rest, and try it again the next day.My work does not define me as a person but unlike so many people in the  world,  I love working, it gives me a sense of accomplishment and these days anything I can do to make myself inspired and feeling better is what I want to be doing. This journey is going to be a long one. One with lots of unanswered questions and lots of times that I may questions myself and my doctors. But I must say I am putting my faith for once in this journey to two doctors that are on the same page with my treatments and the desire that one of these doctors has in his heart to heal me. I could not ask for anything better than that from a doctor. He has been by my side this entire journey, whether or not I used his treatment or not, he was there and for a doctor to care and to go above and beyond for me all that he has is simply unheard of these days. I am not patient number blah blah, I am me, Christy Hicks a mother and woman fighting for her life that he takes interest in making my life better and longer.To be honest, I can not say that about any other doctor I met anywhere else along this journey. I know some people have faith in their doctors even when it seems that the doctors don't have much faith in their patient. I truly feel that with the right team anything is possible. This disease is not the patient only fighting it is friends, family, doctors, and strangers alike joinging together to help in making things better and brighter. 

I have said numerous times how disappointed I am in some people. Let me say this my disappointment in other people no longer matters to me. what matters to me are the people standing here in these moments of uncertainty in my life with their kind words and prayers that are what matters. Someone not being a friend to me is fine because they lost one of the best friend they could have had if they were ever in my shoes. We all learn our own lessons, and some people learn them the really hard way, but we all face our decisions in life at one time or another.

 

Cancer is no joke.It's there all the time lurking and moving about it's a matter of finding the right treatments to contain it to certain parts of your body and to keep it from spreading every where it wasn't before the treatments! I have thought long and hard about this but if I knew today were my last day on this earth and I had something I could say to the people I love, it would go as follows"

Greg (my brother) you have been the rock that has held us all together! I could not have asked for any one else that would have supported me, encouraged me, believed in me. and loved me more than you have. I am so grateful and I want every day of your life filled with happiness. That you let me go, move on with life, and know that I will be that angel on your shoulder doing all that I can for you. 

Lori (my sister) you have been my best friend all of my life. You have always shown me the errors of my ways and did it with a kind loving heart. I will miss you every single day but I know that I will see you again. Please allow yourself to find happiness take care of those babies I love so much and know that you are and will forever be my best friend. 

Sam (my daughter) the person that made me grow up and be accountable for all my decisions. My true love always since the day you were born. The love of my life. I have always been so proud of you and know that I am always going to be with you. I love you more than words can ever say you are my heart and soul. 

Evan(my little daughter) the bright spot in my life when everything else was falling apart. You gave me love, hope, courage, and the strength I needed in a time I felt I had none. I loved you the second you were born and I love you more every single day. You are what has completed my life. I want you to grow up be happy and do  something amazing with your life. Be a writer build on what mama started from and know that my love for you is as deep as the earth and everything all around it. 

Landon (my grandson) you are the most handsome boy in the world. I love you so much. I was so excited the day you were born, I know you will do something amazing with baseball you go make Grandma Christy proud and know that I will have a front row seat in heaven watching you play all the rest of your life. I love you 

Georgia (my niece) you are the sweetest. Your kind heart and love for me is felt every single time I am around you. I love you so much and I remember the day you were born it was one of the happiest of my entire life. 

Jimbo (my nephew) you lady killer. Don't you let the girls distract you from doing amazing things in life, they will try. You are so handsome and every day I wanted to come over and hold you and never put you down. You and your sister mean the world to me and I hope that you will always remember how much I truly do love you....

Ansleigh (my niece) I can't believe how you have grown before my vary eyes, you are beautiful and your softball abilities are amazing. You will go far in life and the sky is the limit for you. Please know I am always cheering you on and I will forever be your biggest fan. 

Devin (my niece) the shy little girl has grown up to be an amazing woman. You will do great things Devin. I hope that whatever path of medicine you take that you will fight for a cure for cancer. You will be an amazing doctor one day and I hope that you reach every star in the sky because you are simply amazing. 

Tonya (my friend) You have been one of the most amazing friends I have ever had. You are always cheering me on and picking me up when I fall. Our friendship was meant to be and it has been one I cherish most in the world. I love you... 

Ashley (my friend) what can I say, you make me laugh. You are a great friend, the best cook, and a great mama. Having you as a friend has made me one of the luckiest people in the world.I don't want to leave you because I love your exciting stories and I want to be your friend with you always and forever! No matter what... I will be I promise you that!  

Kristy (my friend) you have been amazing for me and Evan through this illness. Your kindness and friendship means the world to me and I can not thank you enough for always dropping everything to be there in my time of need. 

Nanny (my sweet friend) I love you more than words can say. You have been the see all know all person in my life and you still like me through it all. You make me laugh and you give me hope throughout my life. I wouldn't have made it in life as far as I have without your love and comfort. You are one of the people in this world that means the most to me. 

Mimi (my friend) you have been amazing. Every single step of this journey you have been there. You have given so much to me that I could never repay you for it all. I love you.

Jerri (my friend) you have been a great friend. Throughout the years of working together and then just being a great friend. You have been so kind and I love you so very much!

Kelley (my friend) my early morning phone calls to listen to me bitch and complain and then to make me see how funny it all really was. You are awesome. You are a great friend and I will forever be thankful for facebook bringing us back and closer than ever before. I love you... 

To all my Covington Girls (Tammy, Tiffany,Crystal,Sherry, DeAnn, Debbie, Robin Allison) you girls are the best. I know without me life will go on but I hope as you all get together and go on our girls nights out, that in some form or another you will take me with you.. I love you girls so much and you will always and forever be some of the best friends any girl could ever ask for ....

.

I am one of those people if I love you ... you know I love you. Through this journey I have been faced with something no one wants to be faced with and that is death. I have no idea how long I have... When it will be my time to go and I want the people in my life to know how much I loved them. I will be just another person dying and going to heaven one day to a lot of people, but for the people that truly love me and that I love it's going to be a hard day. I want a celebration of my life. I have lived through some really tough things, I am dealing with fighting this battle now, and it is not easy. When my time comes I want the world and the people that love me to celebrate. I have had a good life. I have been loved and loved some of the most amazing people and I have so much to be grateful for. I gave birth to two of the most beautiful daughters I could have ever asked for. I have been to the top and slide to the bottom and I have built a business that will be left to help raise my little daughter and to give a little easier life income wise to my oldest and her son. I have worked hard all my life and looking back on the last several years I am grateful for all the hard work and dedication that has lead me to this point that I can provide for them even if I am no longer here. They say everything happens for a reason.... With this I have no idea why .I just know that I am fighting and if my fight should end tomorrow I have a lot to be proud of. I have nothing unsaid to anyone I know. I have no hard feelings and no one should ever have a regret when it comes to me. We chose what we want to do and if you don't do what we should have or needed to do we can't blame anyone but ourselves.There are so many others I could say so much too. I just simply wanted to reach out to the people that have reached out to me on this journey and let them know how much it's meant to me. to have each and every one of them there beside me through these tough days.  

  

   

Blog #35... Fighting for my life....

This is going to be a big week in my fight against cancer. I am having the Y-90 treatment this coming Thursday morning at 9:00 AM. I am nervous but I am more hopeful than anything else. I wish I had a crystal ball to see what my future holds, it would make this whole journey a lot easier. It would give me the insight of what I should and shouldn't try in this journey. Unfortunately, there is not crystal ball, beside my mind. doctors, treatments,  and the prayers from all of you that have helped  in getting me through this experience.

 I have all the faith in my doctor. He is an incredible man, and regardless of which direction I went in this journey searching for a cure, he was there for me to talk to and to guide me in my journey. When we decided a few weeks ago to do the Y-90 treatment and I made the commitment to the procedure, he asked me "Why did you wait so long, Christy? We should have done this a long time ago!" I agreed with him. But honestly ....I was afraid, I wanted to search all avenues and as I went along this journey each doctor told me something different. Several did not believe in the chance that I am taking with this procedure. Their only choice for me was chemo and maybe extend my life, a year. This option has a chance at much more time, maybe it will heal me, or maybe it will just extend my life by several years, for me both of those choices are better than the choices the other doctors have given to me.

I hope this works. But, I have made the commitment to do whatever I can to give myself  more time and if I were to die trying than I know and every one else will know, I gave this the best shot I had. I tried everything and I didn't take the easy road (as I never do) I went out fighting this disease the hardest and best that I can. I have made all my treatment choices on my own. I never want anyone to say I wish I would have told her this or that. There is no reason for a soul to ever think about it that way because I have chosen the paths I have taken and I am okay with them. I want to live but if I do die... I know one thing. I am a fighter more than I ever knew I could be. I have stood up to this disease and faced it for all that it is... as much as I hate it. I have had fear in my heart and pain that could never be described at times.. But for the most part I have fought and had my families hands to hold through this journey and all of you that have followed my journey and cheered me on all the way through. I feel so blessed. God knows I could not have made it without all the love and support I have received. I hope that my testimony will never be about the hard working woman that fought for her life. I hope my testimony will be that I gave this disease my best shot, taught some people about love and happiness along the way, and brought together people that may have never met for the common good of another person in need of love and compassion. 

I don't have a crystal ball... but ,what I do have is faith, love, hope, and inspiration to come out of this on the other side and be the best person I can be and to show the world that you have to fight for your life sometimes, take chances, and believe in people that have given you their all to make you better. Miracles happen every day. I just want my miracle to be to live as long as I can live and to feel as loved and cared for as I do in these times of my life that I have needed it the most. 

I think that everyone deserves peace in their lives and in times like this it's hard to find those peaceful days, I am just living in the all the peaceful moments I can find. 

Thursday... is a HUGE day for me and my family and I ask each and every one of you to be praying for all of us at 9:00 that morning and to know that I am grateful for all that each of you have given to me in your own special ways. Your generosity, compassion, donations, cards, sweet comments, and prayers are more than I could have ever asked or hoped for! 

Life is a journey none of us know when our personal journey will end, I just know that if you believe in miracles than anything is possible. 

I wanted to share my family photo's we had done with all of you. These people are my rocks. My heart. My soul. My reason to believe!

My doctor says I will be down and out for a couple of weeks after the procedure I hope that I bounce right back the next day, but if I don't post for a little while just keep praying harder and harder for me. I don't want to be tired and sick, and unfortunately I have to get tired and sicker to get better. As senseless as that sounds, I am doing what I can to beat this monster so please keep us in all in your thoughts and prayers. 

Don't cry for me....Pray for me! 

Post #28.... "When all you can really tell ....Is the truth!"

Sharing this journey isn't easy, writing my thoughts and feeling sometimes makes me so upset.  However,  I do it for all of you and for myself. This journey has to be shared with the world. There is hope in having cancer, there are so many other emotions as well, but there is a certain feeling of happiness I get from sharing my journey with the world! 

I am getting a little tired and worn out. I seem to always have some where to be. Liver cancer has changed me forever. It has made me the saddest and yet the most determined person I know. It has given me a new perspective on life and it has taken my soul to the deepest of despair. I do my best to have a positive attitude every day, because all I have is now in this moment, I have to be grateful of the life I have left to live and not worry about what we will if I don't make it through this. It breaks my heart into a million pieces, and the joys that I live more abundantly today and all the days left of my life, I am more grateful for. It's difficult. I could easily sit around all the time and say "What if I don't make it?" I have been told that I won't and I have been told I could have a long life. Who's right? I ponder that question late at night, alone in my bed, as I cry myself to sleep! 

I see a change in my 6 year old, with her knowing that her mama is sick and fighting hard. I don't regret telling her because she would have known anyways, I am different. I am fighting to be here and how could anyone be the same person they were before they were told they were dying? 

Treatments are going good, they really are! The Doc is trying to keep me energetic and well, he honestly feels my pain, because he has taken my life in his hands, and I am sure this is something that weighs heavy on his mind all the time, as it does mine. This journey is full of mysteries and hopefully miracles. It isn't easy to overcome the obstacles I face on a daily bases but... I do it. Because I want to live. I want to see Evan and Landon grow up, I want to be the person that has something to tell the world. I want other people to believe that alternative medicine has a place in healing cancer, because at the end of the day most people are truly not interested in something that could make a difference other than chemo, radiation, and surgery. I want to be a miracle I want to heal my body the natural ways and to know that I can make a difference in the lives of so many others that are as skeptical as I was originally. When I first got sick, my boyfriend instantly went online, looking for alternative medicine treatments. I was not open, I said "I am going to do chemo there is no way in hell I would do alternative treatments. For God sake, Steve Jobs did alternative treatments and he died" That was honestly my opinion. I was not open in the slightest. But with each Oncologist I saw, and the diagnose getting worse and worse for me, I started to open my mind. I had to make the choice to go the alternative route because honestly I had no chance at survival with chemo, 4 out of 5 doctors told me that, I had to open my mind and think about the future. I had to think about how I wanted to live the next 12 months of my life, sick and taking chemo, or feeling good and giving it my best shot naturally to save my life. I chose LIFE!! 

I have no idea what tomorrow brings. I just know that I have been giving this disease my best shot at battle and I am hoping that I will not be defeated. I could easily feel defeated now. I am so afraid, there are no words to describe my fear. It is there all the time, and it's up to me to talk myself out of being upset, sad, and afraid. I have moments where I fall apart and then I pick myself up, dust myself off, and move forward with my day! 

Cancer Sucks... It is such a horrible disease. I have spent my life not thinking about what certain things would do to my body, and now I am totally consumed with it. I know a lot of people have really began to change their own ways of life because of me, it's assuring and it's hopeful that the world isn't going to always be so much about the easy food (that is extremely unhealthy for us) and more open to eating healthy and avoiding such complications as I am facing in my own life. 

This week I start seeing a traumatic counselor, someone that works with people all the time facing the fears and uncertainties that I am now facing! I need it, I had gotten really bad for a couple of weeks and just wanted to cry and be down 24 hours a day. I was mad and uncertain that I wanted to face each new day because I am one of those kind of people that is an overachiever and hates to fail at anything. I can't fail at this... And I have been putting way to much pressure on myself, to the point I am not sleeping good, worried all the time, and fearful. It's going to be more money I have to spend but I know to fight this with all my might I have to keep my head on straight! Cancer isn't about the place in the body you have it, it is about how it makes your mind and heart feel. It affects every thing about you. 

I want to be well, I have to be well. I want to know that I can make it through this and can spend the rest of my life helping others to see how they can make it through this as well. This road is long, as short as I would like for it to be it's long and very hurtful! But, it's all roads in life full of bumps and potholes?

Over the weekend,I met a guy working in a candy store. He asked me "Why didn't you get something in here for yourself" I told him I had cancer, and that I was fighting for my life and each healthy, he asked me a lot of questions about the things I was doing. I thought he must know someone with cancer himself. He does, his mom. She had breast cancer, and did traditional chemo and radiation, and they got it all, but now it has spread to her colon, and she is doing nothing about it, he is trying to convince her to try alternative medicine options and she refuses, he actually left her in his house in TX and has moved away because he could not stand to see her dying each day! I gave him my website and my email address and told him I would like for us to share information and wondered if his mom would be willing to talk with me... He said he would be in touch. 

Stuff like this breaks my heart, because I will never give up fighting, not a day that I have a breath in me to breath I will not give up. I can't then cancer would win, and I won't let it win without my best shot at fighting for the most valuable thing in this world to me ... My Life!!!!

I go back to the oncologist on May 1st, I am looking forward to that meeting. I am looking forward to hearing him say how good I still look. I need that. I need reassurance in this vulnerable time in my life, and I hope that you all know how grateful I am for all the love, support, and tenderness you have shown me in this most difficult time in my life. Life is so worth living. Each day isn't a promise of tomorrow, but it certainly another chance at having the best life you can possibly have.