Blog #96 Patience is a virtue... So they say....

I know there are a lot of you that follow my story through my blog... and I didn't want to leave you all hanging about my pet scan results. 

Unfortunately, I received a text Sunday morning that for some reason my scan didn't get uploaded into the system for Dr Chamsuddin to have a way to view the scan. For whatever reason.... it really doesn't matter. Furthermore, he texted me later in the day to tell me he would not be available to review it for a few days. Which to be honest is fine with me. Someone very close to me is  out of  town on a vacation and I didn't really want to hear any news while they were gone. This disease takes away so much of us on a daily basis and I just want them to go on vacation and not have to worry about getting any news about me. 

As much as it would be nice to know the outcome... I'm truly okay with waiting. As much as this disease is about me,it's very much a part of the people that love me, and their lives  too. It's hard on us all. My friends are more like my family. 

This weekend was a great weekend. Friday was my sister's twins, Jimbo & Georgia's 9th birthday. We all met and had Japanese. My niece Ansleigh, had her birthday April 12th and because of all that's been going on with me... I missed her birthday. So, I gave them all a card with $100 in it. They were so excited. My sister said they counted their money at least 100 times that night and 100 times the next morning. I was the best Aunt in the world that night and it melted my heart to see them so happy. My sister wasn't happy that I had given them all that much, but I had the money and sometimes you realize that giving a little more is what will make the ones you love happy and you just go above and beyond for them. I am just glad I was here and alive to celebrate and see the joy on their faces because I love them all so much and miss the time we all spent together so much more than I can right now. They understand but sometimes I wish my heart would. 

Saturday, afternoon I went to a fun slip and slide fireball shots party at my friends Tonya and Johnny's house it  was so much fun. I felt great all day and enjoyed spending the entire day with some of the best people you could ever wish to have as friends. I of course didn't do the slip and slide nor did I do the fireball shots, and sometimes its truly a lot safer and fun sitting on the sidelines just watching and laughing. 

On Sunday,  friend's Linda and Kim came over and painted Evan's room purple . Something she had wanted for a long time and it melts my heart all that they are willing and able to do to help me in this time of need in my life. I know it's for no other reason than they love me. I hope that I can one day be as good of a friend to my friends has they have been to me. 

Life is good. Nothing new still the back pain but I am trying to maintain my tolerance for it until we see what might need to be done to fix it. I am just in that waiting game right now. Waiting for the pet scan results to see what we may or may not have to do next. I am praying hard that all the cancer in my liver is gone. I know there is a spot on my lung, if I am lucky enough the chemo has gotten that and I can just begin to heal and recover from all I have been through ... Time will tell....

My friend Ashley's mom and I talked at the party for a long time on Saturday. She said she was thrilled with the success that I have been having with my treatments and she is a registered nurse and told me she had really never heard of anyone making it over 6 months with the advance stage of liver cancer that I had. But, she had not known anyone that had gone to the lengths that I have to get rid of it. I told her mom that after the alternative medicine and the marker going up sky high that I knew I had to do something and I just went for it. I risked it all to have any chance of helping to extend my life. I really risked it all. I had no other choice. I was not accepting the fact that I would die. I didn't want and still do not want to die, I know that is not up to me. I believe that there is a plan for me. I think I am traveling and following that plan every day that I live and every day that I share my story. I never knew what to expect. I never questioned what next because I knew no one had the ultimate answer I would be looking for. The thing about my journey is that I have had the faith and the ultimate care to survive where I am. I feel like a hero because I hear that so much from people. That I am some miracle and I know in my heart that I am. I want to win this battle not just for me but for all the people that have been like me, told there was no hope for them. There is hope. Sometimes, you have to be willing to risk it all to make that happen. I didn't honestly think of it like that when I was making the decisions to do the Y90 I didn't believe I was dying. I didn't feel, look. nor act like I was not going to die... I was dedicated to myself in a way I have never really been dedicated to anyone else in my life. I fought and I feel like I have won. I have won longer than anyone ever thought I would live. My body is good. My mind is sharp. My heart and soul are stronger than they have ever been. My will to live is as bigger than I ever knew it could be. I never was faced with dying before getting cancer, never had any close calls. Disease and dying was other people's problems until 2/6/2014. 

That day is branded in my mind. It will forever change who I am and who I have become. I am just grateful .. I am happy. I am rejoicing in the days I feel good and laying in bed recovering in the days I feel bad. I just go with how my body feels. My mind is always saying get up and do stuff but it's almost impossible when my body just can not get the get up and go it has always had. It really depressed me in the beginning. It would upset me so bad but I guess I have gotten more use to it by 12 months of doing the chemo and procedures and I just do what I feel like and don't do anything when I don't. 

I am more than this person fighting for my life. I am so much more inside than trying to make it through a disease that I don't understand but I am this person that deserves to live my life and when I am feeling good I go back to being me. I do almost all the things I always have. I just do them less frequently. I try to make the most of every single day. 

I am happy. I love seeing people that tell me how amazing I look. How if they didn't know that I was sick they would never know it. I don't look like I guess someone with cancer should look... But how are they suppose to look? There is no diagram to show how a person with this or that cancer should look but for now I am doing great... Unfortunately....it's chemo week again so Wednesday.... I am back to the dreaded treatment but it's working and therefore, I do what I have to do. When you are getting such amazing results how do you question or refuse the treatments that are truly giving you  your life back?

My baby girl is at the beach with her dad and step mom this week and it's hard to be without her. I miss her when she is gone and then when she comes back complaining about being bored and this and that I wish she were off doing something besides driving me nuts. She is such a good kid. She is so strong and going through all that she has with me she will be stronger than she ever should be. She is my world I love her so much. She keeps asking me "Are you seeing Dr. Chamsuddin this week?" I tell her "No,honey not this week" she is so anxious to meet him she talks about him all the time I guess because I am always talking about him with people too. She loves him .. She is so happy that he has saved her mama and she prays every night the treatments continue to work and get rid of this horrible disease. She wants to just meet him and give him a big hug. I always tell her soon ...

I should be posting again at the end of the week as long as I am feeling okay after chemo. Even if it's a small post I will post I promise. 

Thank you for reading, sharing and ultimately praying for me and my family. Prayers are answered every day. 

Don't cry for me.... Pray for me! 

Blog #94 Please Pray for me... Pet Scan is tomorrow..

Here I go.... again.... My next pet scan is scheduled for tomorrow. I always find myself getting very anxious the day or so before the scan. It's the results I worry about... not the scan itself. I have the scan procedure down to a science I could administer the treatment myself, if the truth be known. I have a lot of things on my mind before having this done. It's the tell all of where the cancer is within my body and as I hope and pray to God that all the cancer is out of my liver, I just don't know. 

Before going on my trip to Mexico I put off any chemo treatments and my cancer marker. I just wanted to go on the trip and not worry about anything more than I already had on my mind. I had chemo last week and I asked the doctor to order my cancer marker, it went up a tiny bit It went from 188 to 208 which honestly... was not alarming to me at all. Last time it went up, it doubled so I felt okay with being where it is. This disease gives me all sorts of things to think about. I have to pay close attention to my blood work. Certain test determine certain functions. It's so weird how our blood work says so much about how our body is working. 

Things are okay with me. Chemo did it's usual thing and wore me out this past weekend. I pushed myself a little more than I normally would to get up and do things. It was a holiday weekend and I didn't want to be stuck in the bed while everyone else was out having fun. Besides, I had promised my daughter, Evan, that I would be better this summer and so far I have done good fulfilling that commitment I made to her. I am just hoping that there is no new procedure on the horizon, that will be determined by the pet scan and what Dr. Chamsuddin thinks should or should not be done next. 

Life is crazy I am still trying to work as hard as I always have and some days that commitment is a little harder to fulfill than others. I just don't always feel good enough to be sitting here at my desk at work... so there are a lot of times that I find myself going home and working from there. Not that it matters, none of my customers know, I know and I know me and I want to be productive and for me being productive is being in the office working. I am weird about certain things. 

 I have always been harder on myself than anyone else has ever thought about being on me. I just think that I should and could always push myself a little more. I guess you can say I am not so much that way anymore. I know when my body needs rest. I know when I am tired and I need to lay down. I know that I can not  be that person I once was at least right now. I just know that I want to beat this disease and if it means me changing to allow my body the time and rest that it needs to do that, than I will do it.

 Life is a lot simpler when you are not sick, that's for sure. It's not easy getting up every day and not knowing what the day holds if you will feel good enough to make plans with other people. I have really tired to avoid making plans, I don't make commitments to people because it's not that I worry about hurting them... it's that I worry about it upsetting me, if I can't go. I have always been that person that was "all in" on anything but I have learned that I can no longer be that person so when and if I feel good enough I go and if I don't I just stay home. It's really a lot more of a mental aspect of having cancer that makes the disease so hard. It takes away parts of you that you never thought it could and then it gives you such new and better perceptive on life in general. Being sick makes you see and appreciate the little things more than you ever thought you could. It's not easy to see sometimes because looking back on life you realize all the things you might have missed out on. 

I have had so many people contact me over the last several weeks about their own family members being diagnosed with cancer.  Where is this coming from? Statistic's say that 1 in 18 people will have some form of cancer or another. That is unacceptable. It's heartbreaking. And unfortunately with no cure, there is simply no way to even know where all these cancer dx are coming from. I see fight for a cure but where is the cure. Who has the cure? When will this monster ever began to lose it's battle in our bodies if we can not figure out where it is even coming from?

I get upset sometimes when someone new reaches out to me. I want to make things better for them as I have been given this second chance at life that I say I wasn't suppose to have but I don't believe that/ I was lead to where I was given this chance with..... 1 man that was willing to take a chance on me. 

Willing to take me on and risk it all to do what he could do to give me back my life. As much as I took a chance on him he also took that chance on me when no one else was even willing to do so. I talk a lot about Dr. Chamsuddin. I know I sing his praises because honestly I have no other reason to be here and alive without his expertise and God's grace.  It makes you realize how special you are in the eyes of others. Dr. Chamsuddin. has gotten to know me on a personal level I have given him my single mom book I published, I gave him a Team Christy shirt, I have laid my heart out on the line about the love for my friends and family. I made myself more than just a patient I was a person. I wanted the person I walked down this journey with to know who I am that has been very important to me. I wanted him to know that his efforts and his strides to helping me is more than just about a patient laying on a table he was treating That I have a life and that I have so much more to live for. Some doctors could really care less. Each patient is a patient and they will do what they can for them and that is the most involvement that they had with the person. I am more than that, I wanted to live and I wanted Dr. Chamsuddin and the entire world to know that I wanted that more than anything else in this world. I have been the person that made the decision to do all the procedures and not once have I looked back and thought... I should not have done that... Every hard thing I have been through has lead me to today... Almost 16 months still alive, not just alive but being a full time mother and insurance agent working full time. I am still very active and functional in my life and for that I am so forever grateful. I don't know what the future holds. It's all about a little nuclear sugar inserted into my body tomorrow as I lay in a machine that will give us the answers we are all longing to hear. It may be the best news I have ever heard and it could be that we are back to fighting the monster  again... Regardless I have the most amazing people in my life to cheer me on, cry with me, pray for me, and to lead me on to victory in the long term of whatever and wherever this disease my lead me. 

Please say a prayer for me and know that God has done amazing things so far and I know in my heart he will continue to do so and lead me the right direction for my life. 

I want to live. I will never give up a day that I am breathing on this earth to fight this monster inside of me. I know that when I was told I would not lie 12 months I never could and would accept that. Not because of any other reason than I knew I was in good hands! I knew that I believed in and trusted Dr. Chamsuddin in a way that I had never ever trusted another human being in my life. I respect him and I really care for him. He has given me hope and hope is more than I ever thought I could have had before. I cried one time in Mexico just thinking about the fact that a year ago I would have never dreamed it possible for me to be on a girls trip much less out of the country... He has given me the greatest gift I could have ever asked for and that's the second chance at life. I believe there is a higher power calling me to lead in my journey of cancer not only for the good of the people that personally know me but for the strangers I meet along the way. I am so happy to have the opportunity to share my story and to give hope to others when they may feel there is no hope left for them. I wish my heart were bigger, I wish I could travel the world sharing my story, and so instead I use the internet. I checked my google plus account another place I post my blog and I have had to date 471,755 views.. Amen is all I can say. 

I have been busy writing my story. I have put a lot of time and energy into writing my book because Dr. Chamsuddin says it's time. I know it is mainly because I feel good enough to write it. This whole time I have been sick I have been putting the cards on my wall at work. It was my wall of inspiration. When I decided to write the book I thought those cards would be a great tribute to the love and kindness I have been shown by so many so I have cut up the cards into pictures and words and placed them strategically throughout the book. I wrote to Ellen yesterday and I am hoping to hear from her about my story and also I am going to write my contact again with Oprah's Network and see where I can get this book going. It's a true story it's my story that I have shared all throughout the journey but I hope that I can make something more happen with the book and hopefully reach people that have been given what I was given... No hope.... I was given hope by one doctor that was willing to take a chance on me as much as I was willing to take a chance on him. Together we make a great team. I wish everyone had their own Dr. Chamsuddin, but I am willing to share mine if it will save lives. 

Don't cry for me.... Pray for me....Thank you for reading and sharing my story you never know who may read this and need their own sense of hope today! 

Blog #86 Third Y-90, Inner Peace, and Living Life.....

It's going to be another big week for me. I am scheduled for my third Y-90 treatment on this Thursday. I am more ready to get this done and over with than I am anxious for the procedure. I have a little anxiety but I am pretty good and secure  when it comes to getting this treatment. I am not put to sleep, I am just given a twilight injection. I am hoping the success of  this treatment is as good as the last two treatments were for me previously. 

I know that I am fortunate.... that I am able to have another injection and hoping that the treatment gets these new five tumors, and not only stops them in their tracks but will keep it  from anything else coming back! 

Life is really good. I am feeling good and I can honestly say that I have an inner peace that I have not had this entire journey. I have had a lot of fear. I allowed my mind to go to those "What if " places that any one would go to. I let myself fear life because I was so scared of dying. I just think that it's hard to be positive while you are fearing every thing that may or may not happen. I have told and forced my mind to stop.... to just appreciate the life I have . To enjoy life. To make plans. I didn't make plans and I made excuses saying that " I might not feel good" I don't do that anymore . I make plans and I have made my plans for my Mexico Girls Trip 60 days out and now we are 38 days from boarding the plane... It seemed like the time would never get here and we are now almost half way to the time to leave. I am glad now we didn't plan for April, May will give me enough time to get to feeling better and get my strength back. 

I had another person I met online contact me this week, I found myself giving some really good advice. I know each of us have our own journey and I know that we all have the same kind of things that run through our minds.  This person was saying how they needed to get their affairs in order just in  case. We should all have our affairs in order some of us are not even given a chance to fight for our lives some people die in an instant with a accident, a heart attack, or even a gunshot just being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Getting your affairs in order doesn't mean that you give up, it just means just in case something happens you have things in order for the people you leave behind. I have all my stuff together. I have my will made out. I have written letters to my little daughter, so far to the age of 16, I cry sometimes when I have written some of these letters but I think it makes me happier to know that I can be a part of those special days just in case I don't make it through this or anything else life has to throw at me. 

I decided that I am going to be happy ... Happiness is about letting go of the fears and letting your heart and mind  enjoy all the things you have in your life that you love doing! I don't miss any of my little grandson's ballgames. I go to Evan's gymnastic classes. I try my best to be a good mama, and grandmother. I just know that life is short no matter what you are facing and for me I think that you can be happy through anything you are facing in life. It's a choice and I totally chose happiness. 

I take a lot of pride in my job. I think with me continuing to work, my business servicing my customers and writing new business it really has helped me in my recovery. It has kept my mind busy and an I know that an idle mind can make you sicker in ways that you create yourself. I have not changed anything about my life over these last 14 months besides trying to get well from each procedure and chemo and being down and out for a few days. I have tried to remain "ME" I think there have been times that I felt that I had to change I had to be this person I didn't know. This sick person with cancer.  I no longer feel that way. I am me, I feel healthy and happy and I don't think I have to change anything ..... adjust maybe, sometimes but not change. 

I have found comfort in music too. Country, rock, whatever... I turn on Pandora and just pick whatever I am in the mood for. Sometimes.... I listen and cry and sometimes I dance like no one is watching.  I get in the car sometimes and some catchy song will come on and I just sing my lungs out. I love those uplifting, get you out of your seat kind of songs that just make you want to smile and be happy. When you get down and out about whatever you have going on in life... music can truly sooth the soul . I believe that!

No chemo tomorrow I think it will be to hard to do chemo this week and the Y-90..... so I am going in for blood work tomorrow and hopefully my counts will be up from what they were last week. I am feeling good tho. It's weird the lower my white cell count is the more energy I have another friend that does chemo with me said the same thing last week. Bodies are weird. 

I am happy with how I am looking these days. My hair is coming back but I am still wearing a wig. A friend saw the new wig picture I posted and asked if I went and had my hair done. She thought it was my real hair, which is a good thing but it's not. I just laughed because I thought if I had this great hair I would never wear a wig another day in my life. I keep thinking about all the people that can't afford to change wigs as much as I do. I don't wash them I just buy a new one. I need to be giving away some of the older ones I have ... If anyone is interested in them. I will be more than happy to mail them to you. Just a thought. 

Sunday is Easter, I was telling my little grandson's father last night at his ballgame that I got engaged on Easter in 2003. He had my engagement ring hidden in an Easter egg. It was sweet and cute. He was a good guy and he's happily married to someone else now. But I am always reminded of the engagement ring in the Easter egg this time of year. Another old boyfriend always teased me about that and said he was going to do the same thing one day, he never did. Good thing since we also broke up. Life is funny how certain times of the year or situations make us think of milestones in our life long since gone but not forgotten.

 I have every thing all ready for Easter my brother and I went to lunch today and I had him stop by Hobby Lobby on the way back to the office, poor thing, he called and got his vehicle and was sitting out in front of the store waiting on me after me taking so long, he has waited on me more in the last 14 months... than he ever did before. When we did mortgages he opened my own office to get me out of his hair and now he doesn't leave my side. He is the best brother in the world. I know his heartache as been more than he would have ever let me see or know over these last 14 months but we had a long talk last week and I told him we have done all we can do. We have gone near and far, high and low, up and down, and all around to cure me and there is no stone that we have left unturn and we can not live  the rest of our lives worried about what could happen. It will happen no matter what we want,my fate is truly in God's hands and I am at peace with it all. I want to live and I do believe I am a miracle but the fear of what could be can drive a person insane... We have to live and we have to live to be happy and worrying about things we can not control will not do that for either one of us. 

I have another friend that has cancer I am good friends with his brother and the brother has told me more than once that his brother was at peace with things. I could not understand how in the world he could be at peace. I thought I could never be at peace with my disease and it's just another thing I was wrong about. Life is what it's going to be.. I do not control the future. I can do my best as I have and will continue to do so but I have to find the peace that lies within us all at some point or another in our lives where we just let go of the control and just live. I want to live. I am happier. I cry don't get me wrong but I don't have the questions in my mind like I did, because I won't allow it. I want to spend whatever time I have left on this earth inspiring others, being happy and spending time with the people I love, I have truly seen and felt what love is about over these last 14 months. I have been consoled  by some amazing people. People that have given of their hearts to me and my family and not expected anything in return and I am so grateful for them all. It's really hard to find true and good friends when you need them. You don't have to find them... They find you and boy have I been fortunate to have had them come to be with me without reservation or fail when I have needed them. I am a giver and at first it really took a lot for me to accept what I have been given without trying to offer something in return.  I have learned to accept and say Thank you .. because I know that they would not be doing the things they have for me if they didn't want to do it. 

It's kind of funny. My little Evan was playing on the playground over last weekend at my nephews ballgame and we told her not to wear her boots because she would want to play, she didn't listen (she can be a little hard headed like her mama) anyways, she wore them and got hurt. Chris thought that she tore her ACL. We brought her home and she cried in pain and cried in pain so  we took her to Newton  Medical Center, by the time the PA came into see her, she was up walking, 2 hours after the injury she was fine, but we were already there so we waited and just had her checked out anyways. Her dad, step mom, and little sister all came too. It was a family reunion.  They said they were glad to see me, he had not seen me even picking up Evan every other weekend because I was always home in my pj's with my wig off and I refused to let him see me.They said they had asked Evan how I was and she said ... I was in the bed a lot.  He said they had assumed the worse but it was so reassuring and refreshing to see me looking and feeling so good I just I just had not thought about it. I know I put my selfie's on facebook a lot only because I want people to see I am looking and feeling good. It's been an important part of this process as I so publicly share my journey through this horrible disease. 

No word from Obama yet on my letter, I may not hear a word but hoping that it reaches him and tugs at his heart strings enough to want to do something to not only help me but others in my same situation. When I did the Y-90 and had such great success with it I was determined to make sure every oncologist gives every patient in my position the opportunity to do the treatment but looking deeper into this the first step is making sure that these insurance companies will pay for it first. It's the steps the process of helping others that seem to be changing in my desire and hopes in making a difference.Even if these people are getting the information for the Y-90 they may not be able to have it because it will not be approved by their insurance carriers. That is why I started my petition to make my insurance carriers accountable and to help change the path for not only myself but for other people as well. I hope that through my journey I can make a difference. I am no  Florence Nightingale,I am just me... Christy Hicks a woman that has a  desire to do something bigger and better for the success of not only myself but for others along my own road I am traveling . 

I'm excited about the future.  I am hoping the Y-90 does it's job and does it as perfectly as it has the past two times. I hope that I go to Mexico and have the greatest time and enjoy the memories I get to make with some very good and special friends. I hope that my petition continues to grow and spread  my message that medical necessity should be determined between the doctor and patient.  I did not realize that I could read message from people that signed the petition, there was one that meant the world to me ... Everyone deserves their mother. I took that one to heart and hope you will too because it is true. You can sign my petition on the right side of the blog on a desktop version, and you can also chose to share it on FB the more this gets out into the world the better off I and everyone else traveling now or in the future with this disease will have their own chance at getting this treatment to save their lives. When you do something not only for yourself but for others along the way how could it not be a great thing?

Don't cry for me ... Pray for me....  Life is so great and I plan to live mine to the fullest as should you. 

Blog #81 HOPE & CERTAINTY.... THEY GO HAND IN HAND.....

I'm finally feeling better. The last procedure took a lot out of me.  On top of that... I got that winter crud... with the sore throat and cough, I guess  I caught from my little daughter, Evan. She was sick the week before. Regardless of what I am going through.... I am still a mama and I am going to take care  my little one when she is sick, I take the risk of getting myself sick but that's what a mama does. Isn't it? Healthy or not?


Things are going good with me. I had a great month selling insurance despite the fact that I have not been feeling really good the whole month. I wrote 29 new policies for the month.... I am thrilled. It makes me feel good to save people money and for them to put their trust in me as their agent. I seem to wear so many hats these days I am a  mama, sister, grandma, insurance agent, and cancer patient. I juggle life these days and try my best to keep things going smooth and on the right track for all my obligations! It get's overwhelming at times but that's nothing new life was certainly overwhelming even before finding out I was sick.

The days I don't feel that good and I am home I seem to work harder and more on those days. Seems odd that it would be that way but it's just how the business goes.... I suppose. Things are always crazy in my life there is always so much to do and so much that I can't allow to sit and be left undone (except for my laundry...which I hate doing)

 I have my pet scan scheduled for  March 13th... Each time the closer to the date I get, the more anxious I am becoming. I hate waiting but to make sure we get the correct results from the procedure there is a timing to the waiting madness.  I am praying day & night that the scan is clear. I hope that there is not another thing lighting up on the scan, but in case there is... like every time before I am willing and ready to go back in and get at it again. I would prefer not to have another ablation but regardless of what I prefer ....if I have to do it I will. I want my life back. I want to know that I have no more cancer in my body... no matter how big it once was to how small it is now. Cancer is cancer and no matter the size I hate it. I am not willing to allow it to invade my body anymore than it already has!

The pet scan is not bad really. The worse part for me is when they put in the sugar shot into my IV and then I have to sit and rest for an hour before I can have the scan done. Going into the room to have the pet scan isn't bad,  They lay you on this little table with all of your clothes on. Which is so weird to me , I would have thought you would at least have to change into a hospital gown but that isn't the case at all. I get a little anxious at first when they push you through the tubing to get each portion of your body done on the scan. You lay on this tiny table with your arms laying up above your head and you have to be completely still for about 20-30 minutes. If you are claustrophobic it might be a little more difficult for you to have a pet scan done. There are things your doctor can do about your anxiety ask if you think you will ever have one of these and if you think you might need something to take the edge off.

Anything new and uncertain scares us. I think I get the "PRO" title when it comes to all these cancer situations and test. I know that I don't like most of it anymore than the next person but I do it because I have to and because I have no other choice really.

Fighting cancer isn't for cowards. Don't you hear and see all these things saying "cancer warrior"? It's not easy to go through this. I think sometimes it has more of a mental effect than a physical. It's the word we all dread to hear under any circumstances with anyone in our family or friends circle.

I know the day I was diagnosed I couldn't believe what the doctor was saying.. Like I have said before this happened to other people. This could not be happening to me. I wasn't unhealthy, I never really got sick with colds or anything, I had energy, I was a mom with a small child for God's sake.. This could not be happening to me... It was and I had no control over what it was. I knew I had control over what it could be and therefore I made the choices I made along this journey. I wanted someone to come and take this all away from me. I wanted sometime to look me in the eyes and say "It's okay, you do this and you will live" no one said that to me. No one could. There was what I felt was no hope in my mind but my heart had all the hope in the world that I could and would make it through this horrible disease. I did everything you can even think of. I read stuff on the internet that was the magic cancer cure, that didn't work. I changed my diet, I scrambled across the country trying to find a way to save my life and everywhere I went there wasn't anymore hope than what I had been offered by Dr. Chamsuddin, my only hope... Y-90... Hope and Certainty were in my mind the same thing. I knew that hope had the only chance of my certainty of beating this disease.  I believed in the plan we had to attack this monster, and once we started the journey to beat it, I never looked back a second.. I just knew I was on the right track,,,, with the right doctor,,, and at the right place I was suppose to be at. I knew that and therefore there was no more searching for an answer for me and my life, I had found it.

It's not easy making choices ...choices that you have no idea what you might be facing but when you have no other choice and it's the only choice you have... there is no other way to go. I knew from day one that my obligation in this world could not be over. I have built my life the way I wanted in some way and other ways it had been molded from the decisions that I had made for my life choices. I look back now and wish I had gone to college and I know I would have made an incredible lawyer. I can argue my point like nobody's business, I can search and find out things that people have hidden so far and deep and think no one could ever find out.  Instead at 20 I had baby, I worked my butt off every day to provide her with her needs, and later on in life with all of her wants. I sacrificed so much of my family time for money and material things and thought those things were what would make her and I happy. A lesson that now.. I have learned better than to believe that. I was given a second chance at being a mama and I love my little girl. Don't get me wrong she can get on my last nerve and there have been times that I have had  to escort her out of my bedroom and lock the door but that's short lived. I still under the circumstances  have to be mama! I have really tried to keep my life as normal as possible. Not much other than chemo. hospital stay's and laying in bed more has changed. I am still working full time. Still trying to just be me.. a new and maybe in some ways an improved me.

I have people reaching out to me all of the time. Telling me that my fight and attitude has helped them in ways that I would never understand. People that were once strangers sharing with me their own life struggles and explaining the ways that I have helped them. Do you know how amazing that makes me feel? I just know that I fight because I want to . I want to live... I want to see my daughter and grandson grow up... I want to do so much more with my life than I have so far. I can't determine where all of this will lead me in my future but I know the future looks brighter and happier when you have been fighting for your life for it!

Yesterday,my Evan Raine walked into the room with this costume on and after the third video attempt we came up with this. I love her spirit and even going through this journey every step of the way with me I see the joy of life in her eyes and it makes me so happy... Cancer can not take the heart and soul of it's victim's if you don't allow it to. It's a choice and I chose happiness with my daughter. I hope you enjoy her video she is something very special. I started these video's recently because I wanted to have these for her and for myself for years to come. So we have our own youtube channel...

I hope that my story makes it to the heart of people that need to feel the strength of another persons will and desire to live that can in my own way give them "HOPE" for their own lives. Nothing is certain in life...  but..... there is more certainty in life if you have HOPE. ...

Blog #78....One year later.... The day I wasn't expected to see....

One year ago today....I was told that I had liver cancer and it was very bad. I will never forget that day and moment  as long as I live. 2/6/2014 changed every thing I thought I knew about my life. It changed me as a person, mother, friend, sister, and a woman. It changed how I saw the world and how I thought these things only happen to other people. 

I really had not known or even heard  much about cancer. I didn't know what it was going to mean in my life! I knew in my heart and soul in those first few days  that my time left on this earth was probably very limited, I knew that liver cancer was certainly a death sentence. 

 I spent the first several days thinking about having to leave my little girl on this earth without her mama and the pain was so unbearable for me. I cried so much those first few  days. It hurt me so bad to know that I was sick, and to know that it was consuming 80% of my liver... the and chances for me to live were not great or even hopeful at all...really! I denied my fears to everyone I knew, I showed on the outside what I longed to feel on the inside. I didn't want anyone I loved hurting as much as I was hurting. I knew if I stayed strong they would have no choice but to stay strong themselves.

 My life flashed before my eyes, I began writing notes to my little girl for all the birthday's I probably was not going to be here for. I tried my best to make amends with things in my life that I felt I needed to do. I said the things that I needed and wanted to say, I wrote my will and planned my daughters future without me. I had a million things running through my mind, and as I feared so deep in my heart and soul that I would not survive the one great thing about it all was I didn't feel sick. I hurt in my side and I knew the cancer was there but I felt fine. I would ask  my brother over and over again "I feel healthy. How can I be so sick?" He would always reply "I don't know but you really aren't healthy you are sick" I knew it but I could not allow this disease to  take the core of who Iwas and change me and force me to give into what I thought was my destiny. I just could not do it. I wanted to be strong if for no one other reason's than for my daughter's and grandson. They needed me and I needed them. I wanted to live and yet I wasn't sure I would and if I did... how long I would I even  have.  I was told by 7 out of 8 doctors that I would do chemo for 12 months and that would be my life expectancy. 12 months ...  

I cried when no one else was around. I begged God to spare my life. I hugged my little girl and grandson tighter than I ever had before. I let my mind think of all the things that I could try and do to help in saving myself. I didn't want to die. I feared it so bad. I feared that my family would have to sit there and watch me wither away until I took my last breath's on this earth and I don't think  anything ever hurt me as much as those feelings did. I was so close to death and then....... I tried every thing... I drank drops of peroxide, I took baths in baking soda, I changed my diet to completely to eating healthy, I traveled all over the country meeting with doctors, I did vitamin C through my veins 3 days a week, a shot of vitamin D once a week, sat with a heat lamp shining directly on my liver 3 days a week for 1 hour at a time, I sat in a heat box in my living room several times a week for 20 minutes.... There was nothing I wasn't willing to try to get rid of this disease, and through all this time I did all of that over 6 weeks and went back for a scan and the tumors had grown a little and my cancer marker went from 1480 to 8800... I knew I was headed in the wrong direction. I had been determined that I would not do chemo. I didn't want to do it, I feared it more than I had ever feared any thing in my life but I knew in those moments the results from my scan coming back, I knew what direction I had to go, I had no choice! I had to give myself the best shot at killing this cancer and it was apparent what I was doing was not working.  I called Dr. Chamsuddin and asked if I could bring my updated scan to him to review and we made an appointment for the Monday after Mothers Day...   

Evan on World Cancer Day 2/4/2015

Dr. Chamsuddin gave me a glimmer of hope. He never committed to me to save my life. He said "Your only hope is the Y-90" He saved me ... He will never know my appreciation and my heartfelt bond I have with him. He pulled me through this disease that should have been my death sentence and he used his expertise and took a chance on me when I am sure he wasn't sure that I would even make it.I often wonder how it felt to be him in those earlier days and even still. Having to take me into do all these procedures and see all my friends and family each time before he did what he was going to do for me. I know that has to be tough. He has a heart even though he is a doctor, he has feelings. He told me one time, my support system has been a lot of the success of my procedures. He knew from the first day that he met me how loved I am and I can only imagine how tough that is. I guess he puts the personal aspect out of his mind, or else how can you try and be the best you can be if you think of anything outside of what your job is. He has a talent beyond what I could have ever expected as a patient. Without him, I would be gone from this earth by now, I would be a memory to the people that love me.

 I would be the voice they long to hear on the other end of the phone, or the face they missed seeing every day. I have a bond with my family that is amazing. We grew up so differently than we are now. I know that I can never repay my brother and sister for everything they have done for me through this. I just know that without them I would not have been strong enough to make the tough choices I have had to make and survived. They are as much of my survival as anyone else is. They don't read my blogs, I think because it would hurt them to deep to read my inner most heartfelt feelings but they love me just the same and hopefully one day they will feel strong enough to want  to read them and know how it felt to be the inner part of myself through all of this. 

 Dr. Chamsuddin never said either way  if I would or would not make it through all of this... but I know he was hoping and praying I would, as much as my family and I were. He gives  me his all when he is working on killing this monster inside of me. I know that! I hope that he knows I am more grateful than words could ever express! He gave me my life back, I don't even know if I can find the words to say how amazing that truly is to me. I know I still have my moments that I get upset, but I am still fighting the fight, it's not gone completely but it's 99% gone and that is incredible.  I don't fear that I will die anymore. I just know that I want the cancer gone. I want to hear those words REMISSION. I was hoping and been praying that I would be done with every thing by today, my one year anniversary, it didn't happen,and that's okay. It's okay because I am here I am alive and I am better in so many ways than I was 12 months ago. We are all hoping and praying that the last procedure a week ago this past Monday got all 5 tiny spots of what is was left of the cancer. My next Pet Scan is being scheduled for sometime mid March... As we are all anxious to hear the results. 

1 YEAR.......

I'm a walking, talking, and living miracle. It wan't my time. Maybe I cheated death out of taking me and I can't say enough how grateful I am for that. Life isn't about money, rising up the corporate ladder, it's truly about living life, being loved and loving, family, friends, and happiness. Finding happiness in times like I have faced have been tough at times but I have really worked hard at keeping my spirit up, keeping a positive attitude, and being strong enough to face every thing I have had to face and to keep fighting the fight. Cancer is terrible. Just the mere word makes me sick... I hate cancer. I hate all the people that I have met and have known that has gotten cancer too.

Today, I survived what I was told I would not. 12 months later and I am still here, strong , not in remission, not cancer free, but alive and happy, and so very close to being there and that is more than I could have ever asked for 1 year ago. 

Thank you Dr. Chamsuddin, for not ever giving up on me, for taking a chance in  saving my life, and for the amazing experience you have in making a difference in the lives of other people. I hope that today you celebrate my life because you are such a HUGE part of me having a future to live. Thank you a million times over. I will forever be grateful to you and for your amazing staff at Newton Medical Center for taking such good care of me. For being there to do what you all do best... Saving lives. 

Blog #71 Make the most of every single day!

I'm just getting through another down weekend of chemo. I have my treatments on Wednesday mornings and by Friday mid afternoon, I am down and out in the bed! Yesterday, was Sunday 1/4/2015 and it was my oldest daughters 25th birthday. I had to force myself out of the bed yesterday to go out and celebrate her birthday. I could have asked to go one night this week, and I am sure that she would have understood, but I didn't want to miss her birthday. I have never missed her birthday in 25 years and just because I have this stupid cancer..... I refused to allow it to hold me back on living my life..... no matter how bad I felt. 

On the ride over to the restaurant I felt fine, I guess the 45 minute wait for a table and  having to stand most of the time and smelling all the different foods, I felt so sick. I had to get up from the table as soon as we were seated and hug the toilet in a public place (first time I've ever had to do this) I just could not hold back the nausea any longer and I did my best to not make a big deal of it. I wanted to  cry though, I wanted to get my food to go and get home and back in the bed. I fought the urge to do so and I made the most of what was not such a good feeling for me. Last night wasn't about me, it was about Sam and I wanted things to be as normal as I could possibly make them, even if I was suffering inside for it. There are times in our lives we have to look past ourselves and do what is right for others. Everyone all day kept telling me not to go, I wasn't listening. I had to go... I had to celebrate my daughters birthday and I had to prove to myself that I would not allow this disease to control my whole life, and I did it.. Accomplishment number 685... 

It's a new year and I am up and at work. Still not feeling great but better than I did last night. I am ready to get back to work full time. I am planning 2015 to be my most successful year in the Insurance business so far! Things have been going good. I had a great year last year considering all that I have been through. I have written 228 new policies in 2014 and I am  proud that I have done so well considering all that I have been going through. I appreciate all my clients and they know if they need me I am a phone call away! That's the great thing about doing business on my cell phone, I am always accessible! 

Seems a couple of times a week I am hearing about someone else coming down with some form of cancer or another.  It's insane. I share my knowledge to the best of my ability. I am certainly no cancer expert, but I do know a heck of a lot more now than I did a year ago. I think the initial shock of being told you have cancer is the one of the most heartbreaking things you could ever hear. Every single person fears cancer in their lives. It's not a reality until it hits your life in one form or another, whether it's you or someone you know and love that get's the dreaded news. My sister and I were talking the other day about chemo, she said "I had no idea what chemo was about until you got sick and I came with you that first time" I didn't either. I had no idea what to expect. I know the day of my first biopsy I was about to lose my mind. I know I had never been more scared a day in my life as I was that day. I was horrified. I wanted to be told it wasn't cancer, I wanted to believe that this was just a nightmare that I was going to wake from any second. Never happened. I was sick. I was very very sick and yet, all I could do was believe that I could beat this. That I was going to do every single thing I possibly could to save my life. I was willing to walk to the edge of insecurity to live my life. I was willing to risk it all , all the days I had left to live to have the chance to live a longer and better life than I had before the cancer. It was a risk. There was no certainty in the outcome of what my life was going to be. Each time I was put to sleep and Dr. Chamsuddin did his thing, I was at risk of not making it through the procedure. I knew that in the very back of my mind, but I didn't allow it to control my decisions. I wanted my life more than I have ever wanted anything else. I was willing to fight for it, I am still fighting for it, and I will succeed what should have been and celebrating in what is going to be... Me in remission.  

Attitude is so important. I always thought that was a crock before now. I thought how can you make yourself believe if you want something bad enough it will happen. I am now a true believer in that,  I believe anything is possible that you set your mind to. I think I am a PRIME example of that. 

Life is worth  living whether you are sick or not. It's about continuing to live your life no matter what you are facing. We all face problems in our lives. I had a friend on FB one day write something like "Wish I were anyone but me" I made a simple comment.... "I would be glad to trade places with you" I haven't seen her post another negative comment like that. It's all about us and our own accountability in life. There are a lot of people that always blame everyone else for their shortcomings. Please... we make our own decisions we chose what we do and no one can force us to ever do anything. Accountability is an important part of growing and learning in life. I take credit for all my own shortcomings, I have learned something from every single one of them. most of the lessons I have hated to learn and hated to accept. But, I am better for them all. 

Life is short.. Not a single person on this earth knows when it will be there last day here. I say make the most of every day whether you are diagnosed with a terminal illness or you are just fighting demons from the past. Today is a new day. 2015 is a new year... I am going to be in remission from a disease that was suppose to take my life... What amazing thing are you going to do?

FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE... IT'S WORTH EVERY SECOND OF THE PAN!!!!! 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me!!!  So close to freedom of this disease and yet I continue to fight to make sure that I have the rest of my life to live. Be happy with you because sometimes you are the only person that can get you through to another day!
 

Blog # 65 "Live Your Life"

It's been a while... 

I went to do my pet scan on 12/11/2014 and of all things that stopped me... My glucose was sky high, at 272.  The doctors said "No way" on doing the scan on that day and sent me home. All I really could do was laugh about it. The anxiety of having it done and then being sent home was hurtful, I can not lie.  I didn't cry, there were no need for tears, there was not a single thing I could do about it.It hurt me and I put on that warrior face (I am required to have) and I rescheduled the test for 12/18/2014... Today! 

 I called my oncologist  office, as the technician suggested I do  and they had me come in on Friday last week as they wanted to check my glucose and see what they could do about getting a handle on it. I wonder if it had anything to do with me eating ice cream blizzards from Dairy Queen for about 7 days in a row. I had been having such issues with my stomach that I could not handle dairy products so I had not had any ice cream in 7 months since starting chemo. After the first one I had, I realized it no longer hurt my stomach and I might have gone a little overboard with my craving.  Besides the box of candy my friends sent me from our annual candy making day (that I had to miss from being so down from the chemo) I ate some of it the night before the pet scan. I had not even thought about my sugar being high at all. I had not had that issue at all since being sick so it never dawned on me not to eat it. 

The oncologist has me on a medicine to try and regulate my sugar and has me poking my finger three times a day to test it..which is a new world for me. I know a lot of people are diabetic and have to do it everyday, it's just not something I expected in my own life.  Someday's it's lower than others. I thought that I could still eat the way I wanted (minus the ice cream) and I find it raises my sugar.  

Here's where I guess it get's personal. Before 2/6/2014 I was what I felt like a healthy person. I didn't know this stupid monster was living inside of me invading my liver and doing it's best to suck the life out of this woman that does her best to do her best every day.  I suppose the whole fear inside me is that the cancer is likely not going to kill me..and seems lately I have been running into complications and makes me  wonder..like most people they don't die from the disease they often die from one of the side effects that the cancer creates. I try so hard to put that out of my mind. I fight my thoughts on that.  It's a whole lot harder than it appears to be. 

There are people that sometimes I want to just pick up and shake to make them see things through my eyes and unfortunately...that's not going to happen. I went back to the oncologist yesterday and my blood work was less than perfect. Another RED FLAG of concern for me. I took my print out to the hospital and dropped it off for Dr. Chamsuddin to take a peak at for me.  He called me and said I looked fine. Get some iron pills and he was mad at me about my weight. I wanted to scream. I wish I could make him me for a day. I wish that the people that are on the inside/outside of this disease could understand how it feels to walk in my shoes for a day. I would be happy to share myself with them for just an hour and I think the understanding would be a different story. You can not understand how it feels to be the SICK PERSON... Until you are the sick person. My weight is up. I am up to 137/138. Last week that is what I weighed at the doctor and I went back yesterday and it said 132. No way can I lose 5 pounds in a week ...every week. I eat. I do the best I can as I lay in bed completely wiped out from a poison that is put in through a needle into my veins that takes me from a state of feeling alive to a state of not even knowing I am actually alive. The chemo is the hardest thing about this process. I hate the chemo. I hate when I have to go and have it done . I hate when it takes over my body and my mind and it's almost as if it paralyzes me! I hate the high's and low's of this disease. I start feeling good after a treatment and then it's time to do another and I am completely knocked back down again. Seems the longer I do the treatments the worse I hate it and the worse I feel. I lay in bed for a minimum of three days and can't do anything much except  take a shower every day and do my best to eat and drink as much as I can. I try so hard... like I try at everything in my life. I am an over achiever. I am one of those people that will be at the top. I am aggressive and proud. I just feel that I have no control over this disease. I have no say so about how I am going to feel on any certain day and after traveling this road 10.5 months I am a little frustrated. 

Attached is the link to my video I made today about how I feel about my Pet Scan and it's results

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ce1nAJmZCOY

I am fighting this monster the only way I know how and that's as aggressive and strong as I can. I am suppose to be all of these things..Cheerful, strong, happy, aggressive, a warrior... and in the midst of what I am suppose to be this disease is beating me down at every turn. I hate cancer. I hate it with every single part of my being. I just want to be free of this. I wonder if I can ever mentally be free from this disease? I guess it's because even when I get to the "Remission" state of this there are going to be test every 3 months and if it comes back we will be fighting it hard from the onset. 

There are days that all I can do is cry. I try my BEST not to call my brother and sister on those days. I try not to cry to them. I know how much it hurts them when I am fearing something. I want control of this. I want to fix this ... I am a fixer... I can (I thought I could) fix anything. I am trying to be every thing I need to be for every single person and when things don't go right (just like in anything you do in life) I get so frustrated and mad. I scream sometimes. Sometimes I just want to find a stranger and curse them out for no reason or blame of their own. I bite my tongue as hard as it is .. I let things just be because sometimes it's just not worth the fight anymore. Life goes on with cancer, you still have all the same things about paying bills and living your life. It's tough at times. I am the independent person I have always been feeling so dependent on so many people. I reach out for comfort sometimes to people and I have literally been turned away. It's to hard for them to hear me cry to feel my pain. They would rather just pretend that I am no longer their friend because it makes it easier for them. I guess it would and then in turn it makes it harder for me. It's okay I see things differently now and I can take people for their face value. To bad I didn't know how they would have treated me all those years ago or I would have never been their friend in the first place. Losing friendships during this time is really hard for me too. I am disappointed by people. I am hurt and frustrated but I can not control other people. I think most people whether on the inside or the outside of my disease think I have all these people always around me and keeping me company. Most days that is so far from the truth. I have a special group of people that do love and support me day in and day out... Those are my heroes because it takes a hero to go through this disease with someone. I know that it's as heartbreaking for them to go through the day in and day out things of this disease with me. I just know that I could not make it through any of this without them. You can not understand how it feels for someone you love to have cancer until you have someone you love that has cancer. It's mentally exhausting.  It hurts me and I know it hurts the ones that love me to most just as much. 

The one other tough thing is.... still trying to be a loving, caring, nurturing mom through all of this. Trying to make a 6 year old understand why I can't get up and why I can't open my eyes to play with her is hard. She has the most inward view of this disease. She understands a lot more than I can even give her credit for. A 6 year understanding and dealing day in and day out of cancer is hard and completely and utterly unfair. Breaks my heart every time she has to face something new with me. Last week she had to learn all about pricking your finger and testing your glucose. It makes me sad. She should be playing baby dolls and being sheltered from this disease. I can't do that when I am her full time care taker. She wants to be with me. She comforts me more than she will ever know. She gives me the strength to keep this heartbreaking process going. The bond that we have is nothing short of amazing. I am loved by her... I am truly unconditionally loved by her. 

The other morning she was full of questions which gave me a great idea, we have decided to write a book together.  I thought I wanted to name it "Nobody will ever love you as much as your mama does" Then at the mall yesterday I found a shirt that say's "Live Your Life" (which I am wearing for my pet scan today) and I think that title totally suits the book much better. We will see. I have been asking her lots of questions on her feelings and I have had her draw pictures that almost take my breath away. I think sharing cancer through her eyes is something she will hold dear forever. I told her I want to donate 20% of profit to the  liver cancer group I am now a part of... The Georgia Liver Coalition , and the other part I want put away for her college tuition and her wedding. Maybe we will sell a lot of books and maybe we wont...but... whatever we make goes to a great cause and through that I feel a sense of happiness through the understanding of a disease with a little 6 year old leading the way. 

There are high's and low's of this disease. Today, I pray for a high. I pray to God that my Pet Scan shows no activity in any of the tumors. Today as I lay on that machine and have it scan my body for this horrible monster I pray this monster is defeated and gone from my life forever. There are days I fear every thing and others I fear nothing at all. I share this journey from my heart ... From the very being of my soul because I have to be open and honest with all of you because it makes me be open and honest with myself. 

There are things that I could go on and on about ... Things that I don't like that other people do or don't do. But honestly for once in my life this journey is about me. I am about me and I will forever be a changed person for going through all of this. I am in no way ever fighting with someone again. I am going to tell people my feelings and leave things where they lay. I don't need to have the last word or to try and make any one feel guilty about what they did or didn't do because at this point in my life you are either with me or you are without me. It's as simple as that.... It took getting cancer and going through all of this to realize the true simplicity of what that really means.