Things are going good with me. I had a great month selling insurance despite the fact that I have not been feeling really good the whole month. I wrote 29 new policies for the month.... I am thrilled. It makes me feel good to save people money and for them to put their trust in me as their agent. I seem to wear so many hats these days I am a mama, sister, grandma, insurance agent, and cancer patient. I juggle life these days and try my best to keep things going smooth and on the right track for all my obligations! It get's overwhelming at times but that's nothing new life was certainly overwhelming even before finding out I was sick.
The days I don't feel that good and I am home I seem to work harder and more on those days. Seems odd that it would be that way but it's just how the business goes.... I suppose. Things are always crazy in my life there is always so much to do and so much that I can't allow to sit and be left undone (except for my laundry...which I hate doing)
I have my pet scan scheduled for March 13th... Each time the closer to the date I get, the more anxious I am becoming. I hate waiting but to make sure we get the correct results from the procedure there is a timing to the waiting madness. I am praying day & night that the scan is clear. I hope that there is not another thing lighting up on the scan, but in case there is... like every time before I am willing and ready to go back in and get at it again. I would prefer not to have another ablation but regardless of what I prefer ....if I have to do it I will. I want my life back. I want to know that I have no more cancer in my body... no matter how big it once was to how small it is now. Cancer is cancer and no matter the size I hate it. I am not willing to allow it to invade my body anymore than it already has!
The pet scan is not bad really. The worse part for me is when they put in the sugar shot into my IV and then I have to sit and rest for an hour before I can have the scan done. Going into the room to have the pet scan isn't bad, They lay you on this little table with all of your clothes on. Which is so weird to me , I would have thought you would at least have to change into a hospital gown but that isn't the case at all. I get a little anxious at first when they push you through the tubing to get each portion of your body done on the scan. You lay on this tiny table with your arms laying up above your head and you have to be completely still for about 20-30 minutes. If you are claustrophobic it might be a little more difficult for you to have a pet scan done. There are things your doctor can do about your anxiety ask if you think you will ever have one of these and if you think you might need something to take the edge off.
Anything new and uncertain scares us. I think I get the "PRO" title when it comes to all these cancer situations and test. I know that I don't like most of it anymore than the next person but I do it because I have to and because I have no other choice really.
Fighting cancer isn't for cowards. Don't you hear and see all these things saying "cancer warrior"? It's not easy to go through this. I think sometimes it has more of a mental effect than a physical. It's the word we all dread to hear under any circumstances with anyone in our family or friends circle.
I know the day I was diagnosed I couldn't believe what the doctor was saying.. Like I have said before this happened to other people. This could not be happening to me. I wasn't unhealthy, I never really got sick with colds or anything, I had energy, I was a mom with a small child for God's sake.. This could not be happening to me... It was and I had no control over what it was. I knew I had control over what it could be and therefore I made the choices I made along this journey. I wanted someone to come and take this all away from me. I wanted sometime to look me in the eyes and say "It's okay, you do this and you will live" no one said that to me. No one could. There was what I felt was no hope in my mind but my heart had all the hope in the world that I could and would make it through this horrible disease. I did everything you can even think of. I read stuff on the internet that was the magic cancer cure, that didn't work. I changed my diet, I scrambled across the country trying to find a way to save my life and everywhere I went there wasn't anymore hope than what I had been offered by Dr. Chamsuddin, my only hope... Y-90... Hope and Certainty were in my mind the same thing. I knew that hope had the only chance of my certainty of beating this disease. I believed in the plan we had to attack this monster, and once we started the journey to beat it, I never looked back a second.. I just knew I was on the right track,,,, with the right doctor,,, and at the right place I was suppose to be at. I knew that and therefore there was no more searching for an answer for me and my life, I had found it.
It's not easy making choices ...choices that you have no idea what you might be facing but when you have no other choice and it's the only choice you have... there is no other way to go. I knew from day one that my obligation in this world could not be over. I have built my life the way I wanted in some way and other ways it had been molded from the decisions that I had made for my life choices. I look back now and wish I had gone to college and I know I would have made an incredible lawyer. I can argue my point like nobody's business, I can search and find out things that people have hidden so far and deep and think no one could ever find out. Instead at 20 I had baby, I worked my butt off every day to provide her with her needs, and later on in life with all of her wants. I sacrificed so much of my family time for money and material things and thought those things were what would make her and I happy. A lesson that now.. I have learned better than to believe that. I was given a second chance at being a mama and I love my little girl. Don't get me wrong she can get on my last nerve and there have been times that I have had to escort her out of my bedroom and lock the door but that's short lived. I still under the circumstances have to be mama! I have really tried to keep my life as normal as possible. Not much other than chemo. hospital stay's and laying in bed more has changed. I am still working full time. Still trying to just be me.. a new and maybe in some ways an improved me.
I have people reaching out to me all of the time. Telling me that my fight and attitude has helped them in ways that I would never understand. People that were once strangers sharing with me their own life struggles and explaining the ways that I have helped them. Do you know how amazing that makes me feel? I just know that I fight because I want to . I want to live... I want to see my daughter and grandson grow up... I want to do so much more with my life than I have so far. I can't determine where all of this will lead me in my future but I know the future looks brighter and happier when you have been fighting for your life for it!
Yesterday,my Evan Raine walked into the room with this costume on and after the third video attempt we came up with this. I love her spirit and even going through this journey every step of the way with me I see the joy of life in her eyes and it makes me so happy... Cancer can not take the heart and soul of it's victim's if you don't allow it to. It's a choice and I chose happiness with my daughter. I hope you enjoy her video she is something very special. I started these video's recently because I wanted to have these for her and for myself for years to come. So we have our own youtube channel...
I hope that my story makes it to the heart of people that need to feel the strength of another persons will and desire to live that can in my own way give them "HOPE" for their own lives. Nothing is certain in life... but..... there is more certainty in life if you have HOPE. ...
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