Blog #95... Truthful fears and insecurities on Pet Scan Days.....

I have so much restless energy, today. I can't eat because... I am having the pet scan and I am starving. Go figure, these days I am never really hungry and because I can not eat, I want to eat even more. I hate that about myself. I always have wanted the things I can't have, just because I can't have something, it makes me want it more. It's all so crazy!

I am looking forward to doing the pet scan and yet in my mind I am so uncertain about it. I go from being okay to worrying about every single little thing that doesn't mean anything at all. I go to that place of total fear, fear what the results are going to be, fear that cancer may have gone somewhere else and spread, fear that I didn't do chemo for 3 weeks so I could enjoy my girls trip and I fear because of that I messed something up with the cancer. I feel guilty for this monster living inside of me. The monster could care less about my feelings or emotions it just wants to take my life and the harder I fight the more stubborn it has seemed to become. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that I may be free and I know in the back of my mind since there is still a cancer marker indicating cancer that the cancer is still there. How much torture can this disease really take? We have blasted this crap to the max, we have gone above and beyond what is normal to kill this disease and it still keeps wanting and coming back for more... I want to just cuss it out,. I want it to go away. I want it to just leave me alone and let me have ALL of my life back and this just isn't up to me. It's a fighter. Cancer has it own way of recreating itself and I don't understand it. 

I want to believe that what we have done is enough... but I don't ever go into anything trying to pretend that the mere facts don't exist. I am a person that looks at the whole picture. I know the picture is beautiful and I see the life living inside of it and yet as much as I want to believe that the fairy tale is there... I am in reality knowing that I have more work to do. That this monster is wanting more torture to see if it will finally give up and just walk away from me and what next go to someone else? That is even worse. I wish there was no cancer. I wish there was a cure. A way to know how to get this disease from even entering and invading anyone's body. It breaks my heart and yet I face this disease myself every single day. I wake up checking my glucose to make sure it's not to high. I take pain pills a couple of times a day just to deal with the back pain, I think about the chemo when I am completely wiped out convincing myself I wont be feeling this way much longer as it leaves my system. And then there are these all so dreaded pet scans that I hate almost as much as anything else about cancer. 

 It's the answers we are looking to find but it's not always the answer I am wanting to hear. I am not negative about any of this I am just a patient going through this horrible disease. This painful disease that takes so much of my body and mind and I know that I am fighting for my life. I fight to stay alive. I fight to beat this monster I can not see. I fight to raise my daughter and to be here with the people that I love. It hurts deeply. I fear the things that I never let come from my mouth. The words that break my heart inside that no one can ever see because I fight for the right to make those words unspoken with each day I do a treatment, take a pill, or do another test. I wish I were not this person. But I am .. But I am! 

This road has been full of amazing people cheering me on and yet with all the love and support I am shown... I feel so alone sometimes. The realty of this disease for me is every single day. It never becomes old news for me it's always forefront in my mind. I have been open and honest with this journey, there are days that are good and there are days that I have total fear in my mind. Today is just one of those days. Every 3 months I have these pet scans done I get myself all worked up and worried. I like being scheduled and having it done first thing in the morning. That way it is done and over with and today I am schedule for 1;30 and that leaves me almost the whole day to sit and think about it. I hate that. Once it's done and over with I don't seem to worry as much I  seem to find a calmness. 

I just wanted to open my heart and write the words that were on my mind today. I know either way good or bad news I have and will continue to give this monster all that I have inside of me to kick it's butt. It's not an easy road at all. But, it's what I am facing and it's what has to be done. 

Please pray for me to find the peace that I need to get through today. I really appreciate your thoughts and support! I wonder sometimes if my test days and reading my results can hurt Dr. Chamsuddin as they hurt me.I know it's hard to be my doctor sometimes,because I am so in your face and so a part of your life and my story has been read and shared with so many people. I tell him all the time one day I will be famous, he laughs and says "You already are" that is what makes him great! 

I feel like Dr. Chamsuddin is a much as a part of my journey... as anyone in my family is. I remember the last results when he called and had to tell me that there were 5 new tumors that had shown up, I could hear in the tone of his voice, I knew it was hard for him  to see those results much less to have to tell me. But here is the thing... He has not given up on me. He keeps pushing himself and pushing me along this road of cancer and he is the expert and no matter what today's results may show I know in my heart that no matter what is or isn't there... I am with the doctor that I am suppose to be on this journey with. I would not change a single thing, except to have believed a lot sooner and just gone for it a month or two earlier. I had to search my options and just glad my best option was still there and available when I finally made my mind up. Dr. Chamsuddin is my hero he is an amazing man and doctor and because of him I am here to still write and share my story, I have no doubt about that at all. 

Don't cry for me.... Pray for me..

Blog #93 1 year of treatments and chemo

I

It's amazing how fast a year really does go by. 1 year ago this coming Friday,  May 22nd, I've been on my chemo treatments, procedures, and medicines to get me to a better place. A road that I began with no end in sight. No way of knowing where that road would ultimate lead me or how  long I would have to travel down it,to get me to where I was suppose to be. A road that was unpaved and untraveled like any road I had ever known. It's almost like I went in with this person telling me the direction to go but  never promising to get me to the end. It's  like I was traveling on the road and would have to stop and rest and get gas.. In those times I was recovering and all of the sudden out of no where the engine would start back up before I was even really ready to hit the gas again! I would hit the pedal and I would take off hard & fast without even knowing where this road was heading next... other than... I knew no matter what I had to keep traveling, hitting that gas, and keep looking towards the end no matter where it would lead me. I had to make this work. 

It wasn't always easy. I remember all the nights I would cry. I would beg my brother to not make me do another procedure again week after week with  no real time to feel good enough to do it and I seemed to find myself pushing through some of the toughest days of my life not because I wanted to but because I had to... I wanted to live and I made a commitment to myself and Dr Chamsuddin  and I had no choice but to fight. Fight harder than I ever had before for anything. 

Looking back now 1 year later.. I have made all the  the right choices. I made the decision  I could do it and I put everything I had inside of me to make it through those tough days. I'm still on the road and I'm still going strong. I'm still fighting. I'm still believing that I can see this disease through to the very end. I've seen and felt ways in my life that I never dreamed I would go through. I've rejoiced at the outcome of my procedures and I've cried when things haven't been the way I wanted them to be. I've been happy and sad. I've had really good days and days that I was so sick I had no idea if I would be able to ever get out of bed again...I've been a roller coaster with my body, mind, and emotions. I've had to trust in the doctors that I have chosen to treat me, especially Dr Chamsuddin I couldn't trust him anymore than I do.  I have all my faith in him. Faith that he makes the right choices for my treatments. Choices in when and what needs to be done. I have gone into every thing  he's done for me knowing as a patient and as a person he's always had my best interest at heart. My brother Greg and I were having a heart to heart talk one night, the kind of talks that we rarely have, it's that kind of talk that takes your emotions and shakes them to the core of being so emotional on so many levels. I was saying something about Dr Chamsuddin liking me (as a person) and how it made it so much easier to get through all of this. He said " Christy, it's so much more than him liking you, he loves you like so many other people do" I am one of those people that I grow on you. I'm bullheaded and determined but also resourceful and understanding I don't even pretend to have all the answers through this disease. I leave that to the professionals. I ultimately have the say so in my health ..as all patients do but I am a believer in the treatments I'm doing and that makes all the difference. I haven't had any decisions to make other than when I initially had my first Y90 and agreed to starting down that road to my recovery ...best ...decision I ever made. The best decision I could have ever even been offered to me. 

It was my only HOPE. Hope was all I was given and thank GOD I took that hope and ran with it. I get teary eyed sometimes when I sit down and think about where I was and how far I have come. It's not been easy by any stretch but it's been worth every ounce of fear, pain, discomfort to be here today and alive. I am defying the odds. I am one of the lucky ones   I respond well to the treatments and I'm able to tolerate the chemo for the most part.  I have my days that after my chemo treatments I am dead tired and hurt all over. After a year you would think I would be use to it and in some ways I am and others it's hard to accept it! I do the best I can. And that's all I can't expect of and for myself. 

I had chemo today and my two friends I always sat with for months and months now  are no longer there ...they have both gone into remission and I was a bit sad to go without them today. I sat next to a very sweet lady and we had a great conversation. She usually goes on Monday's and with it being Wednesday and just going in to follow up on something she had done on Monday  not having treatment ..she wasn't prepared for having to do the chemo today...so when my sister showed up with a pizza from Mellow Mushroom we had us a little pizza party and it made the day better. I can walk into a crowded or nearly empty room and leave there with at least one new friend. That's me ...it's just who I am. I love hearing about other people's lives. You can learn a lot out of life by listening and not talking! That's the truth.  

I've learned a lot about myself over these last almost 16 months. I've learned to take life one day at a time. I've learned to be stronger than I that I could and that I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to take what others think about me and make it my own. I have learned to understand that not everyone will like me and not everyone is nice and caring. I've seen some people run so fast out of my life for their own insecurity reasons and I've seen some of the most amazing people running to me with open arms. Life gets tough and sometimes people can handle it and sometimes they can't. It's a personal decision to put your   own self aside to be there for someone else. It's not easy to watch some one suffering and fighting for their lives! This disease has touched my life in ways only the fear of dying could ever touch! I have had to have those sit down moments that decisions had to be made just in case. The reality of what this disease really brings to your life isn't something I could even begin to describe! It's that knife through the heart moments in those conversations that had to be had and those choices that have had to be made just in case. For me I've taken care of myself pretty much all my life. I've been a very strong and determined single woman. I have worked for every single thing I have and I have taken great pride in that. I won't let the end of my life be without me having the final say so in my arrangements, decisions for my little girl, those are some of the  hardest parts.... I found about being sick but I honestly didn't want to leave anything for my family to have to decide. I have even half way written my own eulogy I wanted to leave this earth having my final say so to the people I love. I know that some people see that as a negative thing that I planned those things out but it's no way an indication that I have given up its being prepared. We  should all be prepared. One day it's all of our final days and if you know when yours will be than you must be pretty darn smart.  

Opening my life and heart up to the world with my disease hasn't always been easy and  to be honest it's  been heartbreaking to share some of the news. The disappointments and fears of my own personal insecurities have been shared with my readers because you can be the strongest person and still have fears and be afraid. It's okay to be afraid. It doesn't mean your weak because you fear something what makes you weak is if you don't keep trying your best to overcome whatever obstacle you are personally facing. 

Today, I met with Dr Carter,  my oncologist, we have had a very good relationship throughout  this last year together as doctor and patient! He's very open to listening to my thoughts and concerns. When I have talked with him about not feeling well enough to do the chemo treatments he's always been open to agree and understand me. He's a good man and he really had a compassion for his patients as well. Out of all the oncologist I had seen he was my best choice for managing my treatments I could have found. Dr Chamsuddin referred me to him and that was another wise choice. Today we talked about a chemo regimen change.  He didn't like the idea, mainly because my body has responded so well to the gemzar and all the medical procedures I have had. He thought that staying with the gemzar at this point was my best option. He said there are so big gun's chemo that he could use but there was no sense in those while I am not needing them. He said as long as the tumor market is down and I've done so well with all the other stuff we will leave it alone. He said there may come a time that we have to pull out the hardcore chemo maybe 2 or 3 years down the road but for now I'm doing excellent and to keep up the good work. I wish chemo was over. I wish this while nightmare would end but I just have to get going strong and giving this mess my all! I may deal with this the rest of my life my hopes are that I won't but my fear of it spreading or dying is bigger than my fear of doing the chemo so I stick to the plan. The plan is working. 

I have some great news. It's summer my little Evan is out of school for the summer and unlike last year we joined the neighborhood pool and I've been able to get my work done early in the day so that I can get out and enjoy the warm weather and spend some real quality time with her. Last summer was horrible I was not able to do anything. I promised her last year that I wasn't always going to feel this way and next summer would be better, and it's worked out just like I said it would. 

I may not be able to do all the things so many other mothers can do right now but I love her and I am giving my all to every aspect of my life. One day she will be able to read these blogs and understand so much more about me than she ever would have otherwise!! 

I am scheduled for the all so dreaded next pet scan ...Thursday May 28th.  I am praying for great news. Praying that the last Y90 was able to get those new 5 tumors that showed up and that there is no new tumors there. It's going to be what it's going to be. I pray for great news. I asked the oncologist office to order my Cancer marker today.  I have not had one since mid April because I didn't want any new news before going on my Mexico trip.  Tomorrow. will be when I find out about where the marker is. I hope it's down, that will give me some indication of what to expect with the pet scan. The Cancer marker has been a great indication of my Cancer. It went up only when the new tumors showed up so if it's way down from the last one at 180 I'll be very excited. They say not to count much on the tumor marker but thus far mine has been spot on!!!

I have high hopes... I feel great and look even better. My attitude is good and my will to live gets stronger with every day I fight this monster inside of me! I have had a lot several people reach out to me this past week with someone they know being dx with cancer. It's always heartbreaking to hear of someone new being told the worse news of their lives! You don't know or understand what Cancer really means until it happens to someone you love! I make one recommendation to every single person and that's to set up a consultation Dr Chamsuddin that's really the only advice I offer because without him I would not be here today and if I could give anyone the most precious gift it would be to have him as their own doctor.   I sing his praises and I am sure I drive people nuts but there isn't a person that will ever read my blog, meet me, or even know me that won't hear about this man and all he's done for men when someone gives you your life  back why wouldn't you want that doctor on your side. I give praise where praise is due. He was the only doctor willing to take a chance on me he took me under his care and has given me all of himself as a doctor he had/has to give. I know I'm needy. I know that I can be a royal pain with all my questions. He answers the ones he wants and tells me he's ignoring the ones  he doesn't want to answer because it's never always cut and dry as to what he's going to do until he gets in there and starts doing his thing. Some things I don't need nor want to know and he leaves it at that! 

Next week will lead us to what if any direction we will be heading in next. I am anxious to know and ready to see where else this road may lead me next. Regardless of what may happen I'm in the best hands possible and prepared for whatever may happen. I'm thankful for such a great doctor to have on my side. He's a great doctor and more than that he's a great man. Some doctors have no bedside manor... they get so use to be a doctor and refuse to  see past their profession to find it within them for compassion for their patients. I'm glad that Dr Chamsuddin... is a very compassionate man. He tries to hold back but he doesn't fool me. I see right through him and that's what makes him so great to me! 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me. Please continue to pray for my recovery and know that I truly believe God answers prayers. I'm still here and alive and every day I wake up he's answering mine! 

Blog #92 When you accept things and live beyond your expectations

Home Sweet Home. Our trip to Mexico was awesome. The weather was perfect. The breeze off the ocean was simply heaven. I felt good all week...other than my back pain, nothing really hurt. The beach massage helped that... some. I got a little tired walking back and forth from our room to the beach but it wasn't so bad. 

The resort was beautiful.  The food was good. I'm still not able to eat a lot at once.. so I found myself eating several times throughout the day. Which was fine with me. At breakfast I would grab a few boxes of cereal and have a morning snack laying there on the  beach with my 70 proof sunscreen on under the umbrella.I honestly spent  most of my days there ..writing my book. I enjoyed that. There's just something very  special about writing such a heartbreaking and inspirational story in such an amazing place. 

It's weird the few people that I met on the trip... one lady was from England she's   in remission  from breast cancer  for 5 years. Another couple their best friend had been battling cancer and on the airplane ride home I sat next to a sweet couple that she was in remission from lung cancer that had metatized to her liver and been Cancer free for 2 1/2 years now.   It's so crazy Cancer is everywhere.  I hope to hear remission one day myself and yet today in this moment... I find myself at the swimming pool with my daughter and grandson. Something I wasn't able to do last summer. I didn't even spend the money to join our neighborhood pool last year because I knew that there was no way I could take her! I promised her so many times last  summer that I was going to be better next year, and here I am feeling good and glad that I can enjoy this time again with her!  It's been a long 12 months. My first treatment was the Y90 on 5/22/2014   Almost a whole year ago. I reflect back on all that I have been through and how I have felt ...to be honest I don't really even know how I have gotten through it other than a great doctor, prayers, and God's Grace. 

I hope that my story is read and shared to show that no matter how painful and bad you feel that the days that you find yourself up and feeling so good again makes every single day of misery worth it all. I'm all about my family and friends. My heart is tender and it's been tested so many times over this last year. I've spent a lot of time soul searching laying in my bed and knowing that when and if I made it through this, I would forever be changed.  I feel that I have been changed for the better. I've been changed to be and accept the things that will never make sense to me. I will never understand Cancer I will never understand a lot of things but I know now that I don't have to know it all. I just have learned to appreciate each and every day I have and to share my story in hopes to make a difference in someone else's life. That's very important to me. I personally haven't had anyone else to learn from I learned together with the people I've met on on this often ever so lonely road.   I wish I had someone that shared their personally journey with me that I could read and know what to expect. I know that everyone is different but the basic information of what I could expect with each procedure I was having would've been nice. 

I feel like I'm a pro now. I know what going to happen and what to expect with the aftermath of each procedure and chemo treatment 

Life is good. I'm at a great place. Evan is out of the school for the summer and that takes a lot of pressure off. No fighting to get up and get ready in time for the bus and homework. It's fun time even though I  plan for her to do some tutoring this summer she's struggling a little with math and I think some one on one attention will help her with that.  She ended the school year with all B's like most parents I would like all A's. She's capable of it and with a little extra expense and time I think she will be jumping ahead a little bit I would rather her be ahead than behind! I want her to have every opportunity to be whatever she choses to be and even though she's just 7 I feel it's the perfect time to get things started! 

Life is just always full of stuff. Things that need to be done and things that have to be. Even with me being sick life has continued to go on. I slowed way down in my life, in a lot of ways and to be perfectly honest it wasn't such a bad thing anyways. I've been an overachiever my entire life.  Settling for less has just never been an option for me. Just being average wasn't ever meant for me and I find that the same as I have battled this disease.  I knew from that very  first day

 I would be giving this monster all I had inside of me to give to fight it off. And days like my week in Mexico and today by the pool with the kids is all part of my reward for fighting! There have been times I wasn't sure that I would make it through that day much less a year into treatment and feeling good. 

I'm back to chemo next week. I hate it. I can't lie about that but I know that I have to do whatever it takes to keep this monster manageable and for me it's all about making sure that happens. This summer with doing every other week will help a lot on having time to do things with the kids and feeling good enough to do them. 

I am excited a friend's daughter is having her gender reveal party tonight and it's nice being able to go and do things that at one time in this journey, I would not have been able to do.  

You never know how hard it is to overcome something until you are giving Some thing you are going through your all! This journey has been as tough mentally as it has physically at times. I think I did a good job of keeping it all together. There were times I thought I would lose my mind   I worried way too much, and thought about to many different scenarios. I had things to plan out just in case and things I had to come to grips with in my mind. I spent a lot of time alone thinking about what to do   How to handle certain situations and how to just stay within the moment and not to let myself get to far ahead. I was talking with someone about some of the things that I have already prepared for and they took it as a negative when  really we should all be prepared for what could happen especially people with small children. It's important not only because you are sick ...but because honestly... you never know what might happen.  Life is short. I do feel like one of the lucky ones.

 I know Sweet Melissa's funeral is today. Even though I never met her in person following in her own journey through ovarian cancer I felt I had gotten to know her. I cheered her own, prayed for her, and cried when I knew her time on this earth was close to the end. It's hard.  Some times life just doesn't make any sense. How the pain of losing someone is never easy. The fact is... We are all going to die one day of one thing or another. None of us will live forever. So don't waste your days being unhappy. I keep reading a friends post on FB about her cheating husband and how she had caught him cheating over and over again and just saying those words of an idle threat that never go past words. I say if you are that unhappy and willing to share the infidelity with the world you should be strong enough to let the relationship go because everyone deserves to be happy. Talk is cheap and actions speak much louder than words. 

I thought about how I never dreamed 12 months ago I would have been able to go on a week long girls trip out of the country. How I still have my life to live and how it's really nothing short of a miracle that truly is.  I am enjoying feeling good and know that I have so many more days so good left to live and enjoy. 

I'm happy to be home and I'm happy to be me. No matter what I've endured and no matter how much further I have to go it's my legacy, my story, my life to share in hopes to bring brighter days to someone else in need 

Don't cry for me. Pray for me. Know that nothing last forever and with determination and God's GRACE anything is possible. 

Blog #84... Jealousy is such an ugly emotion....

Next week should be another big week,  I am hoping to have my 3rd Y-90 procedure...I'm  just waiting to hear from Newton Medical Center, if they have approved and scheduled it. I should be hearing anytime. 

There have been a few hurtful things that happened last week, that I experienced . A customer's cousin had some back pain,  started seeing a chiropractor, which referred him back to his primary care doctor. The primary care doctor diagnosed him with stage 4 liver cancer, oncologist suggested chemo, he did one treatment and ended up in the hospital, because it made him so sick. The next day he was admitted into hospice and passed away that night.  It's always heart breaking for me to hear when someone else loses their lives to this horrible disease. Another friend of mine has been admitted into hospice this past week, at the end of her courageous battle with cancer. 

I read an article about a CNN reporter that had a benign  brain tumor, she was saying how she had survivor's remorse. I guess I can understand that in some ways, but this battle isn't a group disease... it's really an individual battle to overcome and survive. I don't feel remorse for living and fighting this disease. I don't feel guilty for having another day with my family and friends..... I find myself more grateful than anything else. I could have been the one that lost my life. I wasn't suppose to live 6 to 8 weeks as progressed as my disease was ....and here I am almost 14 months later living, breathing, and fighting for what I want... a chance for another day to live on this earth and to be loved and to love the people in my life. 

I get frustrated..... I get mad and sometimes &  I just want to scream ... I want the world to stop and somehow miraculously make me better!  Make me the person that no longer has this disease. I want to be that one person  that has taken all that I can from having to fight for my life to make a huge difference in the world ... Sometimes.... the world is so mean and cruel that I can't even begin to find myself understanding how some people even should have a chance to have a good life while others fight every single day  for theirs.

 I know that sounds selfish and mean of me to say.... but, I heard that someone was being told how well I was doing and this person says "Really, she is doing good... I thought she would be dead by now"  I thought what a real bitch. A woman that I barely know. A woman that I have not even crossed paths with in the last 13 years and that is what is said about me! I think it's sad that someone would even say that about me..... much less anyone that is fighting for their lives. What a horrible representation of human life. I didn't cry when I heard that she said that about me. I thought to myself what a jealous and mean soul that woman must really have. I actually felt sorry for her. To be so mean and cold inwardly must be a horrible way to live your life.  The hatred in some people shines through in more ways that most people can ever see. Sometimes..... the outside isn't at all what the inside of someone truly represents. I wasn't going to share this but you know what it's real life... These things happen all the time. To so many people. It's not just me, it's others it's what people do. As sad as it may be it's just LIFE!

Things other than that are good. I had chemo last Wednesday and to be honest it seems that it's a lot easier on my body these days. I use to be down and out for 3 days and not be able to get up out of bed. But, since my steroid got cut in half I see a huge difference in how the treatment effect how I am feeling. I don't feel great... but, I am not home laying in bed all weekend... I have been up and out and about. Which is awesome news for sure. 

I bought a yoga tape and started doing yoga yesterday. I am hoping to start stretching some muscles. I find myself stiff... I suppose mostly from being down and out so much over the last 14 months. I am glad I feel good enough to stretch and to start working on this full recovery of my body. It's really not just about overcoming the cancer, it's about getting my body back into shape and transforming myself into a healthy person all around, again. 

I am feeling pretty good. I have been enjoying watching my grandson play baseball. I am just enjoying my life. With last week's news, that we got all the old cancer, and there are new spots I realized that I am in this long term battle. It's a matter of maintaining and staying ahead of the cancer, and getting it before it has the opportunity to get me. I am the lucky one for this reason alone.

 The cancer doesn't have a chance to kill me, I will fight this monster until the very last spot that shows up in my body. I have been and will continue to win my battle with this monster. I hope that through my journey that no matter what you may be facing personally in your own lives, that you see the will to live. The fight isn't always going to go the way we want or expect it to ...but it's about staying on the course. It's about giving it your all. It's about believing that you can do it  no matter what obstacles you may face along the way. Nothing is easy in life. Their are peaks and valley's . There are the days where everything couldn't be any  better and days when you feel it just can't get any worse. We all face our own trials in life. We all make choices that lead our lives in directions that are not always clear at the time. That's why they call them choices. Nothing is  ever really certain except ...Death is certain for us all one day. None of us will live forever!

 I just hope to live a long life to have the chance to see cancer through to the next level of remission and recovery in people that had no chance of recovery in the past. I would love to be a spokes person for this disease. To spread hope. To give a chance at life to people that have been given no hope for life... To spread hope of  options that may not be the easiest road but the better chance at survival. . I could have taken the news I was told and just gone and lived the rest of the life that I had to live and not gone through all that I had but the certainty of death wasn't the option I was choosing, the chance at remission and a longer life was my choice and I am glad I was given that chance by Dr. Chamsuddin and Newton Medical Center. Without this doctor and hospital I would have been gone by now. I wanna say "look at me now" 

Thursday night last week my grandson came and spent the night with us. The next morning I was getting him ready for school, I asked if he wanted grandma to put gel in his hair... He looked at me and said "No, thanks" I asked "Is it because grandma isn't cool?" he looked at me and said "well, you very pretty though" I laughed. I just love him to pieces. 

Hopefully, my next blog will be letting you know when I am having the next Y-90 and I hope that you will continue to pray for me and my family! Pray for great results with the Y-90 and that we lead this disease to be totally removed  from my body once and for all. 

Don't cry for me.... Pray for me! 

Blog #82... 13 MONTHS...

 I am one week from my next pet scan. I am anxiously awaiting the results and hoping that this little monster is completely gone! This stupid cancer isn't giving up easy that's for sure! It can't outsmart Dr. Chamsuddin.. I believe that with all my heart... 

I had chemo this week and it went fine no complications to speak of. It was a funny because it was Wednesday and the weather was going to be in  the 70's.... so that morning, I decided I was going to wear flip flops. I have to be honest, earlier in that day I wasn't so sure I had made the right decision because my feet were freezing. I had to be at the Oncologist office at 10:15 that morning, I did the routine we always do when I get there and I walked back into the back to find a sit for my treatment. I found one, sat down, pulled the lever for the recliner and one of my flip flops flew across the room and almost landed in the lap of the sweet lady that was sitting across from me. Everyone in the room getting treatment started laughing. It was the highlight of the day that was for sure. Then I got up before being hooked up to the machine for treatment and went into the bathroom,The roll of toilet paper was not on the hook thing... so you had to roll it out in your hands, I did that and accidentally dropped the toilet paper and that sucker rolled all over the bathroom floor before I could get a grip on it to tear off the yucky part... I came out of the bathroom laughing and said "Ya'll would have died if you were in there with me to see what happened" Everyone laughed again. It was so funny I felt like butter fingers all day that day. 

Things are really looking good with me. I have no real problems besides my lower back pain. It's weird how it's started hurting so much lately, pretty much since my last procedure. I am hoping that the pain will go away soon. It's tolerable at times and then others.... I have to go home and take a hot bath and then lay on a heating pad to get rid of the pain.

My attitude is really good. I am just believing the end of this nightmare is near.  Someone close to me went to the doctor yesterday and they were asked all those medical questions about family history of this and that... They said that I had liver cancer. This person said they looked at them and asked the story of my cancer. When they were finished telling the PA she looked at them and said "I worked in an oncology office for 15 years and it was so hard on me I had to leave. I have never heard of anyone having their liver covered 80% in tumors and them being doing so good as she is doing. At the office I worked at we would have given her no hope" They smiled and said "I know it's a miracle" The PA asked who my Interventional Radiologist is and where is was working they told the PA and she was blown away that he was working at such a small hospital. 

This made my day. Made me reaffirm the fact that I am a miracle... I know every day that I am alive it's a true blessing. Today marks 13 months from my dx. It's hard to believe that 13 months have gone by on one hand and then on the other it feels like 13 years. It's just the battle I have to face. Life isn't always easy but life for me is much better than the alternative. Much BETTER! 


My cancer marker went up a little  this week. I am thinking it's because I had not had chemo in 3 weeks. I was getting a 2 week break and was suppose to have chemo last week but the weather changed that because they closed early and called me to cancel my appointment ... I had chemo Wednesday this week instead. We have changed my regimen to every other week. My oncologist says this Gemzar (chemo brand) I am taking starts to take a toll on the body and even though for the most part I am tolerating it pretty good right now it starts causing different effects on the body. I think doing it every other week works. I have to make sure I keep myself healthy other than for the cancer. I know my body and I listen to it. I am doing everything I can and am told to do so I know we can see the end of the journey soon and be in remission where we have been trying to reach over the last 10 months. 

This stupid cancer is hanging in there. I was watching Grey's Anatomy the other night and I could relate to what the doctor was lecturing about when she was describing the tumors and how it was happy in there. I feel like my cancer has been happy in my body too. Where it feels that it wants to live and grow as we want it gone and dead. We will win I have no doubt about that. 

Next Friday..... is another big milestone in this journey and I ask you all for your prayers that this monster is gone. We were so close before the last procedure so we have to be there or much closer this time. 

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. It means so much to me. I know that through this journey I have had some people reach out to me that I would have never thought would share their thoughts of my inspiration in their own lives and it touches my heart in places that they will never know not only that they felt that way but that they shared their feelings with me. 

I don't have to much to share this week just wanted you all to know I am doing good. I am feeling better. And my attitude is right where it needs to be ... On POSITIVE......


Don't Cry For Me.... Pray For Me... Prayers are answered every day ....Mine sure have been! 

Blog #81 HOPE & CERTAINTY.... THEY GO HAND IN HAND.....

I'm finally feeling better. The last procedure took a lot out of me.  On top of that... I got that winter crud... with the sore throat and cough, I guess  I caught from my little daughter, Evan. She was sick the week before. Regardless of what I am going through.... I am still a mama and I am going to take care  my little one when she is sick, I take the risk of getting myself sick but that's what a mama does. Isn't it? Healthy or not?


Things are going good with me. I had a great month selling insurance despite the fact that I have not been feeling really good the whole month. I wrote 29 new policies for the month.... I am thrilled. It makes me feel good to save people money and for them to put their trust in me as their agent. I seem to wear so many hats these days I am a  mama, sister, grandma, insurance agent, and cancer patient. I juggle life these days and try my best to keep things going smooth and on the right track for all my obligations! It get's overwhelming at times but that's nothing new life was certainly overwhelming even before finding out I was sick.

The days I don't feel that good and I am home I seem to work harder and more on those days. Seems odd that it would be that way but it's just how the business goes.... I suppose. Things are always crazy in my life there is always so much to do and so much that I can't allow to sit and be left undone (except for my laundry...which I hate doing)

 I have my pet scan scheduled for  March 13th... Each time the closer to the date I get, the more anxious I am becoming. I hate waiting but to make sure we get the correct results from the procedure there is a timing to the waiting madness.  I am praying day & night that the scan is clear. I hope that there is not another thing lighting up on the scan, but in case there is... like every time before I am willing and ready to go back in and get at it again. I would prefer not to have another ablation but regardless of what I prefer ....if I have to do it I will. I want my life back. I want to know that I have no more cancer in my body... no matter how big it once was to how small it is now. Cancer is cancer and no matter the size I hate it. I am not willing to allow it to invade my body anymore than it already has!

The pet scan is not bad really. The worse part for me is when they put in the sugar shot into my IV and then I have to sit and rest for an hour before I can have the scan done. Going into the room to have the pet scan isn't bad,  They lay you on this little table with all of your clothes on. Which is so weird to me , I would have thought you would at least have to change into a hospital gown but that isn't the case at all. I get a little anxious at first when they push you through the tubing to get each portion of your body done on the scan. You lay on this tiny table with your arms laying up above your head and you have to be completely still for about 20-30 minutes. If you are claustrophobic it might be a little more difficult for you to have a pet scan done. There are things your doctor can do about your anxiety ask if you think you will ever have one of these and if you think you might need something to take the edge off.

Anything new and uncertain scares us. I think I get the "PRO" title when it comes to all these cancer situations and test. I know that I don't like most of it anymore than the next person but I do it because I have to and because I have no other choice really.

Fighting cancer isn't for cowards. Don't you hear and see all these things saying "cancer warrior"? It's not easy to go through this. I think sometimes it has more of a mental effect than a physical. It's the word we all dread to hear under any circumstances with anyone in our family or friends circle.

I know the day I was diagnosed I couldn't believe what the doctor was saying.. Like I have said before this happened to other people. This could not be happening to me. I wasn't unhealthy, I never really got sick with colds or anything, I had energy, I was a mom with a small child for God's sake.. This could not be happening to me... It was and I had no control over what it was. I knew I had control over what it could be and therefore I made the choices I made along this journey. I wanted someone to come and take this all away from me. I wanted sometime to look me in the eyes and say "It's okay, you do this and you will live" no one said that to me. No one could. There was what I felt was no hope in my mind but my heart had all the hope in the world that I could and would make it through this horrible disease. I did everything you can even think of. I read stuff on the internet that was the magic cancer cure, that didn't work. I changed my diet, I scrambled across the country trying to find a way to save my life and everywhere I went there wasn't anymore hope than what I had been offered by Dr. Chamsuddin, my only hope... Y-90... Hope and Certainty were in my mind the same thing. I knew that hope had the only chance of my certainty of beating this disease.  I believed in the plan we had to attack this monster, and once we started the journey to beat it, I never looked back a second.. I just knew I was on the right track,,,, with the right doctor,,, and at the right place I was suppose to be at. I knew that and therefore there was no more searching for an answer for me and my life, I had found it.

It's not easy making choices ...choices that you have no idea what you might be facing but when you have no other choice and it's the only choice you have... there is no other way to go. I knew from day one that my obligation in this world could not be over. I have built my life the way I wanted in some way and other ways it had been molded from the decisions that I had made for my life choices. I look back now and wish I had gone to college and I know I would have made an incredible lawyer. I can argue my point like nobody's business, I can search and find out things that people have hidden so far and deep and think no one could ever find out.  Instead at 20 I had baby, I worked my butt off every day to provide her with her needs, and later on in life with all of her wants. I sacrificed so much of my family time for money and material things and thought those things were what would make her and I happy. A lesson that now.. I have learned better than to believe that. I was given a second chance at being a mama and I love my little girl. Don't get me wrong she can get on my last nerve and there have been times that I have had  to escort her out of my bedroom and lock the door but that's short lived. I still under the circumstances  have to be mama! I have really tried to keep my life as normal as possible. Not much other than chemo. hospital stay's and laying in bed more has changed. I am still working full time. Still trying to just be me.. a new and maybe in some ways an improved me.

I have people reaching out to me all of the time. Telling me that my fight and attitude has helped them in ways that I would never understand. People that were once strangers sharing with me their own life struggles and explaining the ways that I have helped them. Do you know how amazing that makes me feel? I just know that I fight because I want to . I want to live... I want to see my daughter and grandson grow up... I want to do so much more with my life than I have so far. I can't determine where all of this will lead me in my future but I know the future looks brighter and happier when you have been fighting for your life for it!

Yesterday,my Evan Raine walked into the room with this costume on and after the third video attempt we came up with this. I love her spirit and even going through this journey every step of the way with me I see the joy of life in her eyes and it makes me so happy... Cancer can not take the heart and soul of it's victim's if you don't allow it to. It's a choice and I chose happiness with my daughter. I hope you enjoy her video she is something very special. I started these video's recently because I wanted to have these for her and for myself for years to come. So we have our own youtube channel...

I hope that my story makes it to the heart of people that need to feel the strength of another persons will and desire to live that can in my own way give them "HOPE" for their own lives. Nothing is certain in life...  but..... there is more certainty in life if you have HOPE. ...

Blog #75.... Another Chance At Remission.......Revised Blog

I posted this all happy blog below and then got heartbreaking news... my cancer maker has gone from 168 to 300 ... I can not stop the tears from coming out of my eyes. I have worked so hard, I have done every single thing I am suppose to do and then I get this set back and I want to just scream .. I have been moving full speed ahead and then to get this kind of news hurts me so deeply. I just want this nightmare to be over and it's just that crappy slap in the face reminder that I am not the one in control of this. I don't determine anything that happens. Then on top off that bad news, I got a call that my procedure has been moved until next Monday. Ugh. 

 I could let this determined the rest of my day, I could sit here and cry but instead I am taking off early and going to take my little girl to see Annie at the movies.. because she loves me and because she would never want me sitting and crying over this... My brother just said that the marker might have something to do with the iron pills or the metformin I have been given for the increase in my glucose levels, which has been  created by the steroid I have to take with the chemo. Every action has a reaction.. My brother is right! I am not in control of any of this. I do what I am suppose to do and I take the good with the bad news and roll with it. My fear is I deal with this the rest of my life.. The reality is I will deal with this the rest of my life. I know that I am not going to go into remission and be there forever. This cancer will possibly and probably come back, it's the reality I have to face. I don't want to have to face it but  I have to. I am okay now, the tears have stopped. I had my little pity party and cried my eyes out and realize that how far I have come and where I still have left to go. I knew that I wasn't in remission and if this little set back were to control my destiny I would never get there. I am stronger then this monster and it may have a small victory today for whatever reason but it hasn't seen this Monday coming yet. 

I wanted to hide this from the world. I didn't want anyone to know but it's part of the journey and for me I would rather share it all than not share any of it. Say a little prayer for me today and know that I am okay, I am stronger than this heartbreaking news.. today and always. 


7 more days and I am back to Newton Medical Center with Dr. Chamsuddin.  It's hard to believe the last procedure I had was 2 months ago. Wow! I have had a lot of time to heal, other than the times that I have had to take the chemo, I am feeling  really good. This is my on week of chemo and I am having the procedure instead. I am hoping it's a quick in and out and I am done. That the last 5 spots of this monster get's it's due and I am done with this mess.

 I started thinking the other day what I am going to do when I am no longer having to fight this monster every day. When I am done with the procedures and done with the chemo treatments considering it has consumed the last year of my life... I have big plans. I have some doctors I plan to go and see. I have people telling me not to waste my time, that they won't listen. When I am there in front of them standing in  remission..I don't think they can help but listen to me! I have politician's I want to see. I want to fight for the right of every single patient that is facing my same disease to have their own choice of life, that they are given all the options that are FDA approved and given the same chance at HOPE that I had been given! Because most times patients are not given these options by their Oncologist.

 Prime example: I have a new friend I met on a support group page on FB for my same form of cancer! She is a sweetheart. I saw she posted the other day that she saw another doctor for a second opinion (1.5 years after being on chemo for her cancer) and this doctor suggested Y-90... I was tickled until I continued reading that she discussed that with her Oncologist and he said she would have to be off chemo for 2 months before she could do it. I wanted to jump through the computer screen, I instantly called her and told her I didn't even start doing chemo until the week after my first Y-90. I begged her to do the Y90 and I hope that she will. I can't make people do things but I can tell them of the success I had ... I had 18 tumors and she has one. The chemo has not shrunk her tumor nor has it grown really but it's there she needs it gone. She has a chance she has a doctor willing to do it, I hope to God she does. I pray for her every night. She knew about the Y90 from me posting on the FB page about my own success so she was excited about learning more. It's not about learning more really it's about seeing if you are a candidate for the treatment and going for it. 
Wouldn't it be great to hear about her remission too? I want to get to know the best Interventional Radiologist all across the country so I can refer every person I met in their city to them. Other people have hobbies. I have a mission!




 I started writing a letter to one of the doctors and honestly a letter would not do justice for what I have endured to prove that I made the right  choice when I was told It wasn't the right choice for me. This isn't about "I told you so " as much as it is about my hearts desire to help save other people. I have this burning desire inside of me to make a difference. To show these doctors that are old school text books that something more can be done than just chemo and your patient dying. There are people with my same disease that I know that would never ever do what I have done. They are not risk takers but what they don't realize is they are risking their lives taking chemo. I went for it. I chose to go off the yellow brick road to find my chance at life and I was willing to risk my life for it. I was not promised anything. I was not told it would save my life. I was told "It's your only Hope" and with hope I had a chance and I was willing to chance my life for HOPE! I just know that this disease is my calling, my calling to do something about it, in hopes to change the world. I may not get through to every one I meet ...but it won't be for the lack of effort! 


Like most people.... I wanted to live. I didn't want to die. I searched every avenue. I did everything. I knew if I was going to die, I was going to give this disease every single thing I had inside of me. I wanted my girls and family to be proud of me. I wanted them to know life is worth taking the risk! 

This blog is bigger than me and my disease this blog is about HOPE and about helping others, so as I heal and head closer to remission know that I am not done writing, my journey with this disease has just began even if I no longer have it to fight.... I will fight for the rights of others. 

I am not going to lie about this... it's hard watching other people losing their battles with this disease to hear how someone is dying and reading the pain that a family member is writing about ... I sometimes think it might be to much for me and then I step aside from it for a minute and I continue to share my story of hope! I think hope is contagious and I think that it can make a difference no matter the circumstances! It's part of my journey there are good things and there are bad things I will see and hear and I just have to stay focused on my mission and reach out as much as I can to make my own difference in the world. 

Don't cry for me Pray for me... Please pray for me and my family as we face what we hope is the last procedure of  healing me from this horrible disease. Every prayer is heard and every prayer counts. 

Blog #74... When Hope is all you have.... Risking it all

Do you know the feeling when you look at something (a picture for example) and you put a simple word with it.... and it changes the way that you look at that one thing?  This morning I posted two pictures on facebook they were of my two daughters and grandson and simply said "My legacy" and tears immediately rolled down my cheeks. It took me back to that initial shock of being told by so many doctors that I would not make it..... that I would not have the chance to see my little girl and grandson grow up. Nor would I see my daughter  find her happily ever after, with the man of her dreams, and walk down the isle. Ugh.... Those thoughts hurt so badly and I remember the pain and the nights I cried myself to sleep. The days and nights that I could only sit and write my kids letters to be left in my desk drawer for them to be found once I was dead and gone. 

When you are told that your life could end ...and it could end quickly, there is never enough time to prepare yourself for that... There is always that hope that things could just simply turn themselves around and the destination of your life be altered and you live a long life. 

I have been given that chance. I tell people all the time I was to either take the road of certainty... meaning death as the statistic of my disease said would happen or I could RISK IT ALL...I risked it all, and by God's Grace, a incredibly skilled doctor, my determination to live, and all the prayer's.... I survived. I am blessed and sometimes I even get mad at myself because I feel that I should be doing more with this second chance but I have to remind myself I am still fighting this monster myself. I am just one person, I am fighting this horrible disease, working full time, being a mom, and trying to stretch my story across the world of other cancer patients to help inspire and maybe help in saving the life of someone else. It's important to me. It's not that I want to be this world leader in thinking that I know how to cure cancer, I don't ... I just know that when someone is told there is "NO HOPE" there is someone else that can give you back the hope that someone else ripped away. 

I remember the scrambling to find answers.. Traveling the country, wasting money just in hopes to hear that someone had this miracle pill I could take that would make this all go away. There  was no miracle pill. I would have done the Y90 sooner and immediately ...if the hospital pathology department didn't first say that I did not have cancer. That sent my life into a tailspin especially when it wasn't just the first biopsy but the second, and then a few days later I get a call... it is cancer and it's bad.  I ran everywhere I could to make things right for me. I didn't want to die. I feared I would tho. I feared the worse so many times and then I would tell myself how I wasn't going to give this stupid monster that satisfaction. If it was to take my life I would go down fighting as hard as I could and I have done that.  I have heard all my life that your attitude makes all the difference in situations like this... I thought they were just words .. Until it completely applied to my own life and believe me if I were to have just fed into the negativity of these doctors and if I would have believed what they said (they are doctors and they know it all... Right???) not a chance in hell.... look at me. I am a prime example of how WRONG they really can be.

 It's not even about being right or wrong it's about the fact that so many of them were not open about the Y-90 and told me it was a last resort. It was my 1st I chose like I said earlier to GO FOR IT.. What did I have to lose? Maybe I could have died a month or two sooner but I had the chance to live 5,10,15,50 years longer than I would have if I had not Risked it all. Some people go with What will be... and to afraid to go with What could be... I have been a what could be kind of person my whole life. I have risked it all in every aspect of my life ... So I felt why not risk it with my health too! 

 I really had more of a chance of an upside than a downside. I remember my cancer marker went sky high and my tumors had grown a little on the scan after alternative medicine and I called Dr. Chamsuddin and told him I had an updated scan and I wanted to see if he would look at it. I drove down to the hospital and he looked me in the eyes and said...  "Your only hope is the Y-90, Christy" In that one moment everything was clear, I knew what I had to do and I knew who I wanted to do this with... Dr. Chamsuddin took interest in myself and my family from the very first day of the initial biopsy I am not sure if it was that he just wanted to treatment for the first time at the hospital or if he was eager and ready for a challenge but he gave me the confidence to GO FOR IT!!! Everything got scheduled and there were snags with my insurance and all kinds of things, so many obstacles but we faced them, over came them and here I am 2 Y-90's and 9 ablations and a chemoemobolization later... Almost free of this monster.

 That one day defined the rest of my life. The choice had to be mine. I had to be the one person on this earth willing and ready to risk it all. Thank God I made that decision. I don't know if I would have made the same decision  if it had been any other Interventional Radiologist, I know that for a doctor like Dr. Chamsuddin he has seen a lot of people with this same problem, where the loved ones are so upset and supportive but the day he met me he walked into that biopsy room and there was me, and 5 or 6 other people standing there waiting for him ... and he knew I was so loved, he never really had to say that but he was surprised to see everyone standing there. It's not easy to have the pressures that I have put on him not only with my friends and family there with me but that I write so much about this journey, he says I put pressure on him, I think he likes it, pressure makes us better, stronger, more determined to succeed. He has been a huge part of my life over this last year and when he is done with me I hope that he will know long after we see one another again he will always be my HERO!  He gave me back my life in his own skillful way and I can not explain how that feels in my heart and soul because words can't describe what heaven may look like because none of us have ever seen it, but heaven is how this second chance makes me feel I am lucky enough to live another day and as many years as this body will allow me to live. 

Living life is so hard. Every time I turn around I am seeing the sorrow of someone else losing a loved one to one situation or another. Tragedies happen in an instant and that instant never goes back to the way life use to be. I don't live every day carefree and happy as I should I allow outside factors to get to me at times I just realize the insignificance of things when it truly relates to my life and let it go... I have just start learning how to do that. I have been a "People Pleaser" my whole life now I am a "Christy Pleaser" and if you fit into my life the way that you should then I am willing to help in pleasing you too. For the haters of the world that have never seen "ME" than they have missed out on someone special to love them. My status on FB today is ... I walk the walk .... that I talk, do you?

As I am less than a week from what I HOPE and PRAY is the last procedure, I find myself getting more anxious...I am just ready to have it done and over with... I just want to get in there be put to sleep and wake up with a smile on my face .... 

Don't Cry for Me... Pray For Me..... we are almost there, thanks for traveling this journey with me.