Blog # 88.... Clinical Trial, Recovery, Chemo, and Mexico .. What a mixture!

I am finally recovering from the third round of Y90! This time was a little tougher than the last two times. The nausea has been horrible. I think I hugged the stupid toilet in a week and a half more than I have all the others years of my life put together.

 I was recovering from the nausea and then I did chemo and it just fired it all back up again. It wasn't until a friend from facebook (I have never met), offered me some essential oils, and they worked. I must admit I was skeptical but I am glad that I used them because they made me feel 100% better, I now can say I highly recommend them! I will be posting a link to her website on my blog.  Things are getting better I just still have the constant back pain. I think its  a nerve not really my back, I had an X Ray and nothing showed on there, I guess it's just something I am going to have to live with whether I want to or not. 

I have chemo again tomorrow (which I am dreading) I hate feeling bad... The treatments of this disease are like a roller coaster, I get the treatments, feel bad, start recovering andfeeling better, and then it's time for another treatment. I feel like it's a roller coaster ....merry go round all in one. It's really all about the high's and low's... Hating the the low's and loving the high's! The good thing about this chemo treatment is it going to be the last one before I head on my girls trip to Mexico. I am determined to not feel bad in Mexico. I will have a two week break and hopefully I will be recovered completely from the Y90 and the chemo and able to have a good time in Mexico!  This trip has been booked for 2 months, when we booked it I thought the time would never come and as of today we are 17 days from boarding the plane to paradise. I can not wait. I couldn't even express in words how excited I am, if I had to do it!  I am going with 4 other amazing ladies and we are going to relax, eat, have a drink or two, and truly dance the night away. I am so ready! 

Last week was my brother, Greg's and my little daughter Evan Raine's birthdays. On Friday night I got all dolled up and went downtown for a nice dinner to celebrate my brothers birthday and had my first glass of wine in almost 15 months. I sipped the wine over a couple of hours, I knew that I had to be careful because I am still having to take my pain pills at night (especially if I go out somewhere) because I would not be able to sit at a table for more than 10 minutes the way my back feels. 

It felt good to get out and go celebrate my brothers birthday, something I use to do all the time without a thought of anything and now days it's a treat if I can feel good enough to go. That makes me sad a little because I see how much my life has changed with this horrible disease, ways that you don't even really even think about because I don't feel good enough most of the time to do all the things I use to do. It's okay... I would rather be home resting so I can do more things in the future... than to go and sit there miserable and wishing I was home. I listen to my body now, and I don't try to overdo what I know I can not overdo. It's my new life being a cancer patient and honestly as long as I am alive than I am happy with whatever choices I have to make to get me through to the next day! I didn't make it out to the club with everyone else at the party, I wanted to go but I knew the next day I had 17 kids coming to my Evan's birthday party and I really need my rest for making sure her party went as smooth as possible. I didn't have her party at my house, I had it at her gymnastic's place and she was so happy. She said it was the BEST day of her life. It was chaos but worth every single smile on her face. She had a blast, all the kids had a great time and that hour and a half that I spent days preparing for was worth every single dollar I spent to make sure she had a great day! 

While I was preparing and at her party my sweet friends, Linda, Kim, and Kenny spent 6 hours out in my front yard, clearing out flower beds, pulling weeds, cutting down tree limbs, planting flowers, and mulching. They did an amazing job, and would not let me pay them a dime. I wanted to cry I am so grateful for friendships that are so loving and giving. I could never repay so many people that have extended themselves out to me in my time of need. It's amazing. I have always been the giver so to receive feels amazing...

I still haven't heard anything from.... President Obama, doesn't surprise me... But... there is a huge development.... The Walton Tribune has agreed to write my story and help me in trying to get all of these outstanding claims paid to Newton Medical Center. I met with the sweet reporter, Meagan Hurley, Staff Writer..... She contacted both Coventry One and Humana. Coventry One really hasn't cooperated as of yet but Humana, immediately has contacted me and has taken charge of getting all of my claims back reviewed and being paid. The hospital thus far has received $40,000.00  considering all the claims they paid last year.... and only paid $10,000 if that. $40,000 for two repaid claims makes me very happy.  I have pushed this issue and been in contact with the head of billing at Newton Medical Center that told me most patients are not as diligent to help them get paid. With tears in my eyes I told her, "without Newton Medical Center and Dr. Chamsuddin, I would truly not be alive and they are owed the money and I will fight until they are paid within 100% of their contractual agreement". She said that they will be going after Coventry One next... things are happening, They are getting paid and honestly that is all I wanted to see happen.

 I have been given another chance at life and there is no price tag on what mine or anyone else's life is worth. My story comes out in the Walton Tribune this Wednesday 4/22/2015 I am excited to see it in print. Great things are happening and I know that what is right is right and everyone should be as diligent in making sure the right things happen. I have heard a million times I should not have to be dealing with this when I am sick, it's my life and they are my bills ... who else should be doing it? 

I'm at a good place. I am not feeling 100% and like I said earlier I have chemo again tomorrow and I know it's going to kick my butt, I prepare myself for the side effects I would say you get use to them but there is no way to get use to feeling so bad. I hope it's better that most of the Y90 is now out of my system and it's easier than the week before last. It's going to be what it's going to be and the one thing you learn to do is... deal with it!  

Things have been pretty quiet this past two weeks with all the other cancer patients I know.... we are all just doing our thing to do what we can to rid our bodies of this nightmare. I told someone yesterday I am tired of it and ready to pass the cancer torch, to bad we can't do that.

 I am meeting with Dr. Kooby at Emory Clinic on May 1st. He is the surgeon that Dr. Chamsuddin went before the board with about my case. Even though I am not a candidate for the resection of my liver he still wants me to meet with him, there is a clinical trial out of Brooklyn, New York that I am interested in hearing about and also another chemo that might be better for my cancer. I am open... as I have been since day one of this disease. I will leave no stone unturn trying to beat this monster. I am not afraid to try something new.... if I was.... I would not be at the great place of beating this cancer that I am at. I am afraid but being afraid doesn't hold me back when it comes to my life. I just go into the new treatments knowing that I am doing all I can and that is all I can expect for myself. So many people tell me "I could not have done what you have done" Really? You give yourself everything you have to live and that is all you can possibly ever hope to accomplish in life.... So there is no thoughts or concerns that go into whatever it is that has to happen to make you live you do it, you grin and bare it and do it with all of you that there is to give to make it happen. 

I want to live and I will never ever give up a second I have on this earth to do what I can to make that happen. I owe that to myself, to my friends, to my kids, and my siblings. You find strength you never knew you had, when you have to have it. 

I cry... I get scared... I scream and yell... I cuss... and I do what I have to do to save my life. It's not easy and I get so sick and so down at times. I have had times that I wasn't sure I was going to make it through all the pain. I remember calling Dr. Chamsuddin one time and I was crying like a baby and I said "I can't do this. I feel so bad I just can't do it" he replied "stick to the plan Christy" I needed to hear that.... I needed reassurance from someone with a lot more knowledge and dealings with cancer than I had. I needed him to push me and he did.

 He may have shook his head and thought why is she calling me... I called because we are a team... We have been a team in this process... He gets frustrated with me and he thinks I talk to much but in my heart I know for his own reasons he wants to save my life as much as I want him too and for that our bound in my mind is a very strong and special one. He is my friend. He is a great doctor and a great man. He cares and it's not just about me he cares about all of his patients, I am sure that most are not as in your face as I am but that's me and he knew that from the first day he met me and he still decided to treat me so that's his problem... Just kidding!  He has done amazing things and I am forever grateful to have my life back and I hope that he knows that his miracle abilities are greatly appreciated by me and so many people that know and love me. 

The morning of my daughters birthday it hit me.. The tears rolled down my face at the thoughts I had so many times that I might not have been here to celebrate my little girls 7th birthday and I was there ... I have a letter that won't get ripped up but will be saved in a special place because it's one less letter she will ever receive because I didn't make it through this horrible thing called cancer. I rejoice in knowing I am going on my 15th month 3 months longer than anyone even expected me to live and I am free of all the old tumors that were originally there trying to take my life and hoping and praying to God all the new tumors are gone and nothing new will show up since this last Y90 treatment. I have spent so much of my time anxious to have another scan in hopes to be in remission that right now I am just enjoying the nothingness of things being done and just recovering mentally, physically, and emotionally from all I have been through. Not focused on what could be but what is in the moment and that feels good. 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me... Know that through your inner strength you can do anything you set your mind to doing!  Thanks for reading and sharing my blog. 

Blog #81 HOPE & CERTAINTY.... THEY GO HAND IN HAND.....

I'm finally feeling better. The last procedure took a lot out of me.  On top of that... I got that winter crud... with the sore throat and cough, I guess  I caught from my little daughter, Evan. She was sick the week before. Regardless of what I am going through.... I am still a mama and I am going to take care  my little one when she is sick, I take the risk of getting myself sick but that's what a mama does. Isn't it? Healthy or not?


Things are going good with me. I had a great month selling insurance despite the fact that I have not been feeling really good the whole month. I wrote 29 new policies for the month.... I am thrilled. It makes me feel good to save people money and for them to put their trust in me as their agent. I seem to wear so many hats these days I am a  mama, sister, grandma, insurance agent, and cancer patient. I juggle life these days and try my best to keep things going smooth and on the right track for all my obligations! It get's overwhelming at times but that's nothing new life was certainly overwhelming even before finding out I was sick.

The days I don't feel that good and I am home I seem to work harder and more on those days. Seems odd that it would be that way but it's just how the business goes.... I suppose. Things are always crazy in my life there is always so much to do and so much that I can't allow to sit and be left undone (except for my laundry...which I hate doing)

 I have my pet scan scheduled for  March 13th... Each time the closer to the date I get, the more anxious I am becoming. I hate waiting but to make sure we get the correct results from the procedure there is a timing to the waiting madness.  I am praying day & night that the scan is clear. I hope that there is not another thing lighting up on the scan, but in case there is... like every time before I am willing and ready to go back in and get at it again. I would prefer not to have another ablation but regardless of what I prefer ....if I have to do it I will. I want my life back. I want to know that I have no more cancer in my body... no matter how big it once was to how small it is now. Cancer is cancer and no matter the size I hate it. I am not willing to allow it to invade my body anymore than it already has!

The pet scan is not bad really. The worse part for me is when they put in the sugar shot into my IV and then I have to sit and rest for an hour before I can have the scan done. Going into the room to have the pet scan isn't bad,  They lay you on this little table with all of your clothes on. Which is so weird to me , I would have thought you would at least have to change into a hospital gown but that isn't the case at all. I get a little anxious at first when they push you through the tubing to get each portion of your body done on the scan. You lay on this tiny table with your arms laying up above your head and you have to be completely still for about 20-30 minutes. If you are claustrophobic it might be a little more difficult for you to have a pet scan done. There are things your doctor can do about your anxiety ask if you think you will ever have one of these and if you think you might need something to take the edge off.

Anything new and uncertain scares us. I think I get the "PRO" title when it comes to all these cancer situations and test. I know that I don't like most of it anymore than the next person but I do it because I have to and because I have no other choice really.

Fighting cancer isn't for cowards. Don't you hear and see all these things saying "cancer warrior"? It's not easy to go through this. I think sometimes it has more of a mental effect than a physical. It's the word we all dread to hear under any circumstances with anyone in our family or friends circle.

I know the day I was diagnosed I couldn't believe what the doctor was saying.. Like I have said before this happened to other people. This could not be happening to me. I wasn't unhealthy, I never really got sick with colds or anything, I had energy, I was a mom with a small child for God's sake.. This could not be happening to me... It was and I had no control over what it was. I knew I had control over what it could be and therefore I made the choices I made along this journey. I wanted someone to come and take this all away from me. I wanted sometime to look me in the eyes and say "It's okay, you do this and you will live" no one said that to me. No one could. There was what I felt was no hope in my mind but my heart had all the hope in the world that I could and would make it through this horrible disease. I did everything you can even think of. I read stuff on the internet that was the magic cancer cure, that didn't work. I changed my diet, I scrambled across the country trying to find a way to save my life and everywhere I went there wasn't anymore hope than what I had been offered by Dr. Chamsuddin, my only hope... Y-90... Hope and Certainty were in my mind the same thing. I knew that hope had the only chance of my certainty of beating this disease.  I believed in the plan we had to attack this monster, and once we started the journey to beat it, I never looked back a second.. I just knew I was on the right track,,,, with the right doctor,,, and at the right place I was suppose to be at. I knew that and therefore there was no more searching for an answer for me and my life, I had found it.

It's not easy making choices ...choices that you have no idea what you might be facing but when you have no other choice and it's the only choice you have... there is no other way to go. I knew from day one that my obligation in this world could not be over. I have built my life the way I wanted in some way and other ways it had been molded from the decisions that I had made for my life choices. I look back now and wish I had gone to college and I know I would have made an incredible lawyer. I can argue my point like nobody's business, I can search and find out things that people have hidden so far and deep and think no one could ever find out.  Instead at 20 I had baby, I worked my butt off every day to provide her with her needs, and later on in life with all of her wants. I sacrificed so much of my family time for money and material things and thought those things were what would make her and I happy. A lesson that now.. I have learned better than to believe that. I was given a second chance at being a mama and I love my little girl. Don't get me wrong she can get on my last nerve and there have been times that I have had  to escort her out of my bedroom and lock the door but that's short lived. I still under the circumstances  have to be mama! I have really tried to keep my life as normal as possible. Not much other than chemo. hospital stay's and laying in bed more has changed. I am still working full time. Still trying to just be me.. a new and maybe in some ways an improved me.

I have people reaching out to me all of the time. Telling me that my fight and attitude has helped them in ways that I would never understand. People that were once strangers sharing with me their own life struggles and explaining the ways that I have helped them. Do you know how amazing that makes me feel? I just know that I fight because I want to . I want to live... I want to see my daughter and grandson grow up... I want to do so much more with my life than I have so far. I can't determine where all of this will lead me in my future but I know the future looks brighter and happier when you have been fighting for your life for it!

Yesterday,my Evan Raine walked into the room with this costume on and after the third video attempt we came up with this. I love her spirit and even going through this journey every step of the way with me I see the joy of life in her eyes and it makes me so happy... Cancer can not take the heart and soul of it's victim's if you don't allow it to. It's a choice and I chose happiness with my daughter. I hope you enjoy her video she is something very special. I started these video's recently because I wanted to have these for her and for myself for years to come. So we have our own youtube channel...

I hope that my story makes it to the heart of people that need to feel the strength of another persons will and desire to live that can in my own way give them "HOPE" for their own lives. Nothing is certain in life...  but..... there is more certainty in life if you have HOPE. ...

Blog #53... Lord.. I hope this day is good

Just a quick note. I am doing pretty good. Chemo last Wednesday was really rough  over the weekend and put me in the bed for several days . I missed out on the movie's with some good friends. But, I got my sister to come over and lay in the bed with me and watch Lifetime Movies all day and it totally lifted my spirits....

I wasn't able to get out of bed until Tuesday and I only worked half a day. I work wherever I am and I come into my office when I feel good enough to get out and about.  I saw the oncologist yesterday and talked him out of chemo for this week. I was just not feeling good and I know my body and what it could take and another round of chemo this week just wasn't an option. So next week we are back on the treatments again. In the meantime I am trying to rebuild my energy and be ready for the next round of whatever is in store for me. 

I have a CT Scan at Newton Medical planned for Monday at 9:00. It will show us how well the last procedure did  getting those 6 out of the 7 fractions of a tumor left. Hoping it got them all. I know for sure I have one more procedure to get the one that was left behind my liver and the other left on my lung. I was hoping that the chemo would get that one on my lung but after 5 months of treatment it hasn't gotten it at all. It's okay it will be gone soon enough. I'm so ready to hear what Dr. Chamsuddin has to say about the results. 

Tonight, I meet with my liver cancer working group. I am excited. We have had conference calls but tonight we all get to meet in person and I am looking forward to it. Anything I can do to help make a difference in the life of someone else with this horrible disease is what I want to be doing. I've had several people say I should worry about getting myself healed, I have been doing that for 8 months and I feel I am called to a higher understanding and giving for other people. Some people follow their hearts and some are just to busy worrying about themselves. I have a story of hope that most people facing liver cancer don't have and I want my story to be heard. It can make all the difference in the lives of other people and it gives me that warm and fuzzy feeling of stepping out and making my own difference in the world. 

Last week Evan (my 6 year old) came home and told me that her and her friends sit in the grass at recess and look for me a 4 leaf clover. It melted my heart.  Then several days later she said (so and so) said that even if we find a 4 leaf clover that it would not help your mama.Made me so mad. What is wrong with kids these days? I wonder if that little girl ever got a single day of nurturing in her life, because she has been so hateful for the last 2 years. Then... last night Evan came into my bedroom with a homemade card she had made and asking me how to spell best friends.  I looked at her and asked if the card was for me... She said "no, it is for so and so" I love Evan's sweet, caring, and forgiving spirit, she had long since forgotten how that little so and so hurt her feelings, but not this  mama! 

I have so many things to teach my daughter, I have so much left to say and do to help her live a long and happy life, and that is one of the main reasons I get up every day and fight this little monster that's been living inside of me. I want my daughter to be strong, secure, and confident in the person she is. She struggles sometimes and I know that is because it's so confusing with me being sick and she doesn't know how to express herself at times but to lash out and be mean to me. I laugh because I don't think that she even realizes how many times I have been through hateful attitudes in my lifetime. 

Things are moving forward. I got fluids yesterday and today I am feeling pretty good. Not great ...but good and hey, I will take that. It's so much better than feeling bad that is for sure! So my next blog post will be with posted results from the CT Scan. Praying for the best news possible. One of the hardest parts about being a cancer patient is seeing others with this horrible disease lose their battles. Each time it breaks my heart a little more. It's like we're in a club. We have the same fears, we get one another, and most times I have not met these people... it's just a bond that I could never put into words. We share our journey's with one another. The good and bad days of this diseases. It's painful to see others and to hear about them suffering. I could for that reason alone never be in the medical field.. no matter how much I would want to heal someone the pain of seeing or hearing about them losing their lives would be way to much for me to handle .....I wish I could put into words how much pain this disease has caused me. I don't know that I have ever hurt as much in my life, it hurt when I lost my mother 17 years ago. I see things so differently now. How the stupid things that use to hurt my feelings and would tear me down, don't really even hurt me anymore. I have become a selfish person through fighting this disease. I have become more dependent. I have lost so much of my independence. I have to have someone take care of me when I am down and out or I wouldn't be able to eat or have someone there to take care of Evan... It's tough it's tougher than tough,... I had no idea how painful mentally this disease could be until I got it. When I am free of it's chains I am going to be the person I have always wanted to be ... I have found comfort in some people and I have been beyond disappointed in others. I have heard more excuses in the last 8 months of why this and why that ... until I just want to burst out laughing in people's faces when they start that crap.  We do what we want to do. We are there for the people we want to be there for. We give to whom we want to give too. No one walks in this life alone and sometimes when you are faced with the things in life that hurt you, you understand what things should have meant to you in the times that they you were needed.  People come and go in life.  I can tell you in this time of my life the true and caring friends have stood out when I have needed them. Anytime I am having anything done they are there not leaving that hospital until the surgery is over and they know I am okay. I don't even think I tell those people enough how much I appreciate and love them. It feels good to know someone is out there waiting for me to wake up and they can see my face before moving on with their day. I don't know many people that would do that but I know the handful that do it every single time.  

I wish I could say when you get sick all you have to focus on is getting better, life doesn't work that way. Life still goes on and there are just a lot more things that need to be done to make sure the ship keeps sailing. 

I have had this song attached on my heart this week... I hope you will listen https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWKJJplYfNM

Don't cry for me Pray for me.. I believe... I am a miracle and I believe I can be the testimony for other peoples miracles in the future.