Thursday, May 28, 2015

Blog #95... Truthful fears and insecurities on Pet Scan Days.....

I have so much restless energy, today. I can't eat because... I am having the pet scan and I am starving. Go figure, these days I am never really hungry and because I can not eat, I want to eat even more. I hate that about myself. I always have wanted the things I can't have, just because I can't have something, it makes me want it more. It's all so crazy!

I am looking forward to doing the pet scan and yet in my mind I am so uncertain about it. I go from being okay to worrying about every single little thing that doesn't mean anything at all. I go to that place of total fear, fear what the results are going to be, fear that cancer may have gone somewhere else and spread, fear that I didn't do chemo for 3 weeks so I could enjoy my girls trip and I fear because of that I messed something up with the cancer. I feel guilty for this monster living inside of me. The monster could care less about my feelings or emotions it just wants to take my life and the harder I fight the more stubborn it has seemed to become. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that I may be free and I know in the back of my mind since there is still a cancer marker indicating cancer that the cancer is still there. How much torture can this disease really take? We have blasted this crap to the max, we have gone above and beyond what is normal to kill this disease and it still keeps wanting and coming back for more... I want to just cuss it out,. I want it to go away. I want it to just leave me alone and let me have ALL of my life back and this just isn't up to me. It's a fighter. Cancer has it own way of recreating itself and I don't understand it. 

I want to believe that what we have done is enough... but I don't ever go into anything trying to pretend that the mere facts don't exist. I am a person that looks at the whole picture. I know the picture is beautiful and I see the life living inside of it and yet as much as I want to believe that the fairy tale is there... I am in reality knowing that I have more work to do. That this monster is wanting more torture to see if it will finally give up and just walk away from me and what next go to someone else? That is even worse. I wish there was no cancer. I wish there was a cure. A way to know how to get this disease from even entering and invading anyone's body. It breaks my heart and yet I face this disease myself every single day. I wake up checking my glucose to make sure it's not to high. I take pain pills a couple of times a day just to deal with the back pain, I think about the chemo when I am completely wiped out convincing myself I wont be feeling this way much longer as it leaves my system. And then there are these all so dreaded pet scans that I hate almost as much as anything else about cancer. 

 It's the answers we are looking to find but it's not always the answer I am wanting to hear. I am not negative about any of this I am just a patient going through this horrible disease. This painful disease that takes so much of my body and mind and I know that I am fighting for my life. I fight to stay alive. I fight to beat this monster I can not see. I fight to raise my daughter and to be here with the people that I love. It hurts deeply. I fear the things that I never let come from my mouth. The words that break my heart inside that no one can ever see because I fight for the right to make those words unspoken with each day I do a treatment, take a pill, or do another test. I wish I were not this person. But I am .. But I am! 

This road has been full of amazing people cheering me on and yet with all the love and support I am shown... I feel so alone sometimes. The realty of this disease for me is every single day. It never becomes old news for me it's always forefront in my mind. I have been open and honest with this journey, there are days that are good and there are days that I have total fear in my mind. Today is just one of those days. Every 3 months I have these pet scans done I get myself all worked up and worried. I like being scheduled and having it done first thing in the morning. That way it is done and over with and today I am schedule for 1;30 and that leaves me almost the whole day to sit and think about it. I hate that. Once it's done and over with I don't seem to worry as much I  seem to find a calmness. 

I just wanted to open my heart and write the words that were on my mind today. I know either way good or bad news I have and will continue to give this monster all that I have inside of me to kick it's butt. It's not an easy road at all. But, it's what I am facing and it's what has to be done. 

Please pray for me to find the peace that I need to get through today. I really appreciate your thoughts and support! I wonder sometimes if my test days and reading my results can hurt Dr. Chamsuddin as they hurt me.I know it's hard to be my doctor sometimes,because I am so in your face and so a part of your life and my story has been read and shared with so many people. I tell him all the time one day I will be famous, he laughs and says "You already are" that is what makes him great! 

I feel like Dr. Chamsuddin is a much as a part of my journey... as anyone in my family is. I remember the last results when he called and had to tell me that there were 5 new tumors that had shown up, I could hear in the tone of his voice, I knew it was hard for him  to see those results much less to have to tell me. But here is the thing... He has not given up on me. He keeps pushing himself and pushing me along this road of cancer and he is the expert and no matter what today's results may show I know in my heart that no matter what is or isn't there... I am with the doctor that I am suppose to be on this journey with. I would not change a single thing, except to have believed a lot sooner and just gone for it a month or two earlier. I had to search my options and just glad my best option was still there and available when I finally made my mind up. Dr. Chamsuddin is my hero he is an amazing man and doctor and because of him I am here to still write and share my story, I have no doubt about that at all. 

Don't cry for me.... Pray for me..


Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Blog #94 Please Pray for me... Pet Scan is tomorrow..

Here I go.... again.... My next pet scan is scheduled for tomorrow. I always find myself getting very anxious the day or so before the scan. It's the results I worry about... not the scan itself. I have the scan procedure down to a science I could administer the treatment myself, if the truth be known. I have a lot of things on my mind before having this done. It's the tell all of where the cancer is within my body and as I hope and pray to God that all the cancer is out of my liver, I just don't know. 

Before going on my trip to Mexico I put off any chemo treatments and my cancer marker. I just wanted to go on the trip and not worry about anything more than I already had on my mind. I had chemo last week and I asked the doctor to order my cancer marker, it went up a tiny bit It went from 188 to 208 which honestly... was not alarming to me at all. Last time it went up, it doubled so I felt okay with being where it is. This disease gives me all sorts of things to think about. I have to pay close attention to my blood work. Certain test determine certain functions. It's so weird how our blood work says so much about how our body is working. 

Things are okay with me. Chemo did it's usual thing and wore me out this past weekend. I pushed myself a little more than I normally would to get up and do things. It was a holiday weekend and I didn't want to be stuck in the bed while everyone else was out having fun. Besides, I had promised my daughter, Evan, that I would be better this summer and so far I have done good fulfilling that commitment I made to her. I am just hoping that there is no new procedure on the horizon, that will be determined by the pet scan and what Dr. Chamsuddin thinks should or should not be done next. 

Life is crazy I am still trying to work as hard as I always have and some days that commitment is a little harder to fulfill than others. I just don't always feel good enough to be sitting here at my desk at work... so there are a lot of times that I find myself going home and working from there. Not that it matters, none of my customers know, I know and I know me and I want to be productive and for me being productive is being in the office working. I am weird about certain things. 

 I have always been harder on myself than anyone else has ever thought about being on me. I just think that I should and could always push myself a little more. I guess you can say I am not so much that way anymore. I know when my body needs rest. I know when I am tired and I need to lay down. I know that I can not  be that person I once was at least right now. I just know that I want to beat this disease and if it means me changing to allow my body the time and rest that it needs to do that, than I will do it.

 Life is a lot simpler when you are not sick, that's for sure. It's not easy getting up every day and not knowing what the day holds if you will feel good enough to make plans with other people. I have really tired to avoid making plans, I don't make commitments to people because it's not that I worry about hurting them... it's that I worry about it upsetting me, if I can't go. I have always been that person that was "all in" on anything but I have learned that I can no longer be that person so when and if I feel good enough I go and if I don't I just stay home. It's really a lot more of a mental aspect of having cancer that makes the disease so hard. It takes away parts of you that you never thought it could and then it gives you such new and better perceptive on life in general. Being sick makes you see and appreciate the little things more than you ever thought you could. It's not easy to see sometimes because looking back on life you realize all the things you might have missed out on. 

I have had so many people contact me over the last several weeks about their own family members being diagnosed with cancer.  Where is this coming from? Statistic's say that 1 in 18 people will have some form of cancer or another. That is unacceptable. It's heartbreaking. And unfortunately with no cure, there is simply no way to even know where all these cancer dx are coming from. I see fight for a cure but where is the cure. Who has the cure? When will this monster ever began to lose it's battle in our bodies if we can not figure out where it is even coming from?

I get upset sometimes when someone new reaches out to me. I want to make things better for them as I have been given this second chance at life that I say I wasn't suppose to have but I don't believe that/ I was lead to where I was given this chance with..... 1 man that was willing to take a chance on me. 

Willing to take me on and risk it all to do what he could do to give me back my life. As much as I took a chance on him he also took that chance on me when no one else was even willing to do so. I talk a lot about Dr. Chamsuddin. I know I sing his praises because honestly I have no other reason to be here and alive without his expertise and God's grace.  It makes you realize how special you are in the eyes of others. Dr. Chamsuddin. has gotten to know me on a personal level I have given him my single mom book I published, I gave him a Team Christy shirt, I have laid my heart out on the line about the love for my friends and family. I made myself more than just a patient I was a person. I wanted the person I walked down this journey with to know who I am that has been very important to me. I wanted him to know that his efforts and his strides to helping me is more than just about a patient laying on a table he was treating That I have a life and that I have so much more to live for. Some doctors could really care less. Each patient is a patient and they will do what they can for them and that is the most involvement that they had with the person. I am more than that, I wanted to live and I wanted Dr. Chamsuddin and the entire world to know that I wanted that more than anything else in this world. I have been the person that made the decision to do all the procedures and not once have I looked back and thought... I should not have done that... Every hard thing I have been through has lead me to today... Almost 16 months still alive, not just alive but being a full time mother and insurance agent working full time. I am still very active and functional in my life and for that I am so forever grateful. I don't know what the future holds. It's all about a little nuclear sugar inserted into my body tomorrow as I lay in a machine that will give us the answers we are all longing to hear. It may be the best news I have ever heard and it could be that we are back to fighting the monster  again... Regardless I have the most amazing people in my life to cheer me on, cry with me, pray for me, and to lead me on to victory in the long term of whatever and wherever this disease my lead me. 

Please say a prayer for me and know that God has done amazing things so far and I know in my heart he will continue to do so and lead me the right direction for my life. 

I want to live. I will never give up a day that I am breathing on this earth to fight this monster inside of me. I know that when I was told I would not lie 12 months I never could and would accept that. Not because of any other reason than I knew I was in good hands! I knew that I believed in and trusted Dr. Chamsuddin in a way that I had never ever trusted another human being in my life. I respect him and I really care for him. He has given me hope and hope is more than I ever thought I could have had before. I cried one time in Mexico just thinking about the fact that a year ago I would have never dreamed it possible for me to be on a girls trip much less out of the country... He has given me the greatest gift I could have ever asked for and that's the second chance at life. I believe there is a higher power calling me to lead in my journey of cancer not only for the good of the people that personally know me but for the strangers I meet along the way. I am so happy to have the opportunity to share my story and to give hope to others when they may feel there is no hope left for them. I wish my heart were bigger, I wish I could travel the world sharing my story, and so instead I use the internet. I checked my google plus account another place I post my blog and I have had to date 471,755 views.. Amen is all I can say. 

I have been busy writing my story. I have put a lot of time and energy into writing my book because Dr. Chamsuddin says it's time. I know it is mainly because I feel good enough to write it. This whole time I have been sick I have been putting the cards on my wall at work. It was my wall of inspiration. When I decided to write the book I thought those cards would be a great tribute to the love and kindness I have been shown by so many so I have cut up the cards into pictures and words and placed them strategically throughout the book. I wrote to Ellen yesterday and I am hoping to hear from her about my story and also I am going to write my contact again with Oprah's Network and see where I can get this book going. It's a true story it's my story that I have shared all throughout the journey but I hope that I can make something more happen with the book and hopefully reach people that have been given what I was given... No hope.... I was given hope by one doctor that was willing to take a chance on me as much as I was willing to take a chance on him. Together we make a great team. I wish everyone had their own Dr. Chamsuddin, but I am willing to share mine if it will save lives. 

Don't cry for me.... Pray for me....Thank you for reading and sharing my story you never know who may read this and need their own sense of hope today! 


Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Blog #93 1 year of treatments and chemo

I
It's amazing how fast a year really does go by. 1 year ago this coming Friday,  May 22nd, I've been on my chemo treatments, procedures, and medicines to get me to a better place. A road that I began with no end in sight. No way of knowing where that road would ultimate lead me or how  long I would have to travel down it,to get me to where I was suppose to be. A road that was unpaved and untraveled like any road I had ever known. It's almost like I went in with this person telling me the direction to go but  never promising to get me to the end. It's  like I was traveling on the road and would have to stop and rest and get gas.. In those times I was recovering and all of the sudden out of no where the engine would start back up before I was even really ready to hit the gas again! I would hit the pedal and I would take off hard & fast without even knowing where this road was heading next... other than... I knew no matter what I had to keep traveling, hitting that gas, and keep looking towards the end no matter where it would lead me. I had to make this work. 

It wasn't always easy. I remember all the nights I would cry. I would beg my brother to not make me do another procedure again week after week with  no real time to feel good enough to do it and I seemed to find myself pushing through some of the toughest days of my life not because I wanted to but because I had to... I wanted to live and I made a commitment to myself and Dr Chamsuddin  and I had no choice but to fight. Fight harder than I ever had before for anything. 



Looking back now 1 year later.. I have made all the  the right choices. I made the decision  I could do it and I put everything I had inside of me to make it through those tough days. I'm still on the road and I'm still going strong. I'm still fighting. I'm still believing that I can see this disease through to the very end. I've seen and felt ways in my life that I never dreamed I would go through. I've rejoiced at the outcome of my procedures and I've cried when things haven't been the way I wanted them to be. I've been happy and sad. I've had really good days and days that I was so sick I had no idea if I would be able to ever get out of bed again...I've been a roller coaster with my body, mind, and emotions. I've had to trust in the doctors that I have chosen to treat me, especially Dr Chamsuddin I couldn't trust him anymore than I do.  I have all my faith in him. Faith that he makes the right choices for my treatments. Choices in when and what needs to be done. I have gone into every thing  he's done for me knowing as a patient and as a person he's always had my best interest at heart. My brother Greg and I were having a heart to heart talk one night, the kind of talks that we rarely have, it's that kind of talk that takes your emotions and shakes them to the core of being so emotional on so many levels. I was saying something about Dr Chamsuddin liking me (as a person) and how it made it so much easier to get through all of this. He said " Christy, it's so much more than him liking you, he loves you like so many other people do" I am one of those people that I grow on you. I'm bullheaded and determined but also resourceful and understanding I don't even pretend to have all the answers through this disease. I leave that to the professionals. I ultimately have the say so in my health ..as all patients do but I am a believer in the treatments I'm doing and that makes all the difference. I haven't had any decisions to make other than when I initially had my first Y90 and agreed to starting down that road to my recovery ...best ...decision I ever made. The best decision I could have ever even been offered to me. 

It was my only HOPE. Hope was all I was given and thank GOD I took that hope and ran with it. I get teary eyed sometimes when I sit down and think about where I was and how far I have come. It's not been easy by any stretch but it's been worth every ounce of fear, pain, discomfort to be here today and alive. I am defying the odds. I am one of the lucky ones   I respond well to the treatments and I'm able to tolerate the chemo for the most part.  I have my days that after my chemo treatments I am dead tired and hurt all over. After a year you would think I would be use to it and in some ways I am and others it's hard to accept it! I do the best I can. And that's all I can't expect of and for myself. 

I had chemo today and my two friends I always sat with for months and months now  are no longer there ...they have both gone into remission and I was a bit sad to go without them today. I sat next to a very sweet lady and we had a great conversation. She usually goes on Monday's and with it being Wednesday and just going in to follow up on something she had done on Monday  not having treatment ..she wasn't prepared for having to do the chemo today...so when my sister showed up with a pizza from Mellow Mushroom we had us a little pizza party and it made the day better. I can walk into a crowded or nearly empty room and leave there with at least one new friend. That's me ...it's just who I am. I love hearing about other people's lives. You can learn a lot out of life by listening and not talking! That's the truth.  

I've learned a lot about myself over these last almost 16 months. I've learned to take life one day at a time. I've learned to be stronger than I that I could and that I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to take what others think about me and make it my own. I have learned to understand that not everyone will like me and not everyone is nice and caring. I've seen some people run so fast out of my life for their own insecurity reasons and I've seen some of the most amazing people running to me with open arms. Life gets tough and sometimes people can handle it and sometimes they can't. It's a personal decision to put your   own self aside to be there for someone else. It's not easy to watch some one suffering and fighting for their lives! This disease has touched my life in ways only the fear of dying could ever touch! I have had to have those sit down moments that decisions had to be made just in case. The reality of what this disease really brings to your life isn't something I could even begin to describe! It's that knife through the heart moments in those conversations that had to be had and those choices that have had to be made just in case. For me I've taken care of myself pretty much all my life. I've been a very strong and determined single woman. I have worked for every single thing I have and I have taken great pride in that. I won't let the end of my life be without me having the final say so in my arrangements, decisions for my little girl, those are some of the  hardest parts.... I found about being sick but I honestly didn't want to leave anything for my family to have to decide. I have even half way written my own eulogy I wanted to leave this earth having my final say so to the people I love. I know that some people see that as a negative thing that I planned those things out but it's no way an indication that I have given up its being prepared. We  should all be prepared. One day it's all of our final days and if you know when yours will be than you must be pretty darn smart.  

Opening my life and heart up to the world with my disease hasn't always been easy and  to be honest it's  been heartbreaking to share some of the news. The disappointments and fears of my own personal insecurities have been shared with my readers because you can be the strongest person and still have fears and be afraid. It's okay to be afraid. It doesn't mean your weak because you fear something what makes you weak is if you don't keep trying your best to overcome whatever obstacle you are personally facing. 

Today, I met with Dr Carter,  my oncologist, we have had a very good relationship throughout  this last year together as doctor and patient! He's very open to listening to my thoughts and concerns. When I have talked with him about not feeling well enough to do the chemo treatments he's always been open to agree and understand me. He's a good man and he really had a compassion for his patients as well. Out of all the oncologist I had seen he was my best choice for managing my treatments I could have found. Dr Chamsuddin referred me to him and that was another wise choice. Today we talked about a chemo regimen change.  He didn't like the idea, mainly because my body has responded so well to the gemzar and all the medical procedures I have had. He thought that staying with the gemzar at this point was my best option. He said there are so big gun's chemo that he could use but there was no sense in those while I am not needing them. He said as long as the tumor market is down and I've done so well with all the other stuff we will leave it alone. He said there may come a time that we have to pull out the hardcore chemo maybe 2 or 3 years down the road but for now I'm doing excellent and to keep up the good work. I wish chemo was over. I wish this while nightmare would end but I just have to get going strong and giving this mess my all! I may deal with this the rest of my life my hopes are that I won't but my fear of it spreading or dying is bigger than my fear of doing the chemo so I stick to the plan. The plan is working. 

I have some great news. It's summer my little Evan is out of school for the summer and unlike last year we joined the neighborhood pool and I've been able to get my work done early in the day so that I can get out and enjoy the warm weather and spend some real quality time with her. Last summer was horrible I was not able to do anything. I promised her last year that I wasn't always going to feel this way and next summer would be better, and it's worked out just like I said it would. 

I may not be able to do all the things so many other mothers can do right now but I love her and I am giving my all to every aspect of my life. One day she will be able to read these blogs and understand so much more about me than she ever would have otherwise!! 

I am scheduled for the all so dreaded next pet scan ...Thursday May 28th.  I am praying for great news. Praying that the last Y90 was able to get those new 5 tumors that showed up and that there is no new tumors there. It's going to be what it's going to be. I pray for great news. I asked the oncologist office to order my Cancer marker today.  I have not had one since mid April because I didn't want any new news before going on my Mexico trip.  Tomorrow. will be when I find out about where the marker is. I hope it's down, that will give me some indication of what to expect with the pet scan. The Cancer marker has been a great indication of my Cancer. It went up only when the new tumors showed up so if it's way down from the last one at 180 I'll be very excited. They say not to count much on the tumor marker but thus far mine has been spot on!!!


I have high hopes... I feel great and look even better. My attitude is good and my will to live gets stronger with every day I fight this monster inside of me! I have had a lot several people reach out to me this past week with someone they know being dx with cancer. It's always heartbreaking to hear of someone new being told the worse news of their lives! You don't know or understand what Cancer really means until it happens to someone you love! I make one recommendation to every single person and that's to set up a consultation Dr Chamsuddin that's really the only advice I offer because without him I would not be here today and if I could give anyone the most precious gift it would be to have him as their own doctor.   I sing his praises and I am sure I drive people nuts but there isn't a person that will ever read my blog, meet me, or even know me that won't hear about this man and all he's done for men when someone gives you your life  back why wouldn't you want that doctor on your side. I give praise where praise is due. He was the only doctor willing to take a chance on me he took me under his care and has given me all of himself as a doctor he had/has to give. I know I'm needy. I know that I can be a royal pain with all my questions. He answers the ones he wants and tells me he's ignoring the ones  he doesn't want to answer because it's never always cut and dry as to what he's going to do until he gets in there and starts doing his thing. Some things I don't need nor want to know and he leaves it at that! 

Next week will lead us to what if any direction we will be heading in next. I am anxious to know and ready to see where else this road may lead me next. Regardless of what may happen I'm in the best hands possible and prepared for whatever may happen. I'm thankful for such a great doctor to have on my side. He's a great doctor and more than that he's a great man. Some doctors have no bedside manor... they get so use to be a doctor and refuse to  see past their profession to find it within them for compassion for their patients. I'm glad that Dr Chamsuddin... is a very compassionate man. He tries to hold back but he doesn't fool me. I see right through him and that's what makes him so great to me! 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me. Please continue to pray for my recovery and know that I truly believe God answers prayers. I'm still here and alive and every day I wake up he's answering mine! 




Saturday, May 16, 2015

Blog #92 When you accept things and live beyond your expectations

Home Sweet Home. Our trip to Mexico was awesome. The weather was perfect. The breeze off the ocean was simply heaven. I felt good all week...other than my back pain, nothing really hurt. The beach massage helped that... some. I got a little tired walking back and forth from our room to the beach but it wasn't so bad. 


The resort was beautiful.  The food was good. I'm still not able to eat a lot at once.. so I found myself eating several times throughout the day. Which was fine with me. At breakfast I would grab a few boxes of cereal and have a morning snack laying there on the  beach with my 70 proof sunscreen on under the umbrella.I honestly spent  most of my days there ..writing my book. I enjoyed that. There's just something very  special about writing such a heartbreaking and inspirational story in such an amazing place. 

It's weird the few people that I met on the trip... one lady was from England she's   in remission  from breast cancer  for 5 years. Another couple their best friend had been battling cancer and on the airplane ride home I sat next to a sweet couple that she was in remission from lung cancer that had metatized to her liver and been Cancer free for 2 1/2 years now.   It's so crazy Cancer is everywhere.  I hope to hear remission one day myself and yet today in this moment... I find myself at the swimming pool with my daughter and grandson. Something I wasn't able to do last summer. I didn't even spend the money to join our neighborhood pool last year because I knew that there was no way I could take her! I promised her so many times last  summer that I was going to be better next year, and here I am feeling good and glad that I can enjoy this time again with her!  It's been a long 12 months. My first treatment was the Y90 on 5/22/2014   Almost a whole year ago. I reflect back on all that I have been through and how I have felt ...to be honest I don't really even know how I have gotten through it other than a great doctor, prayers, and God's Grace. 

I hope that my story is read and shared to show that no matter how painful and bad you feel that the days that you find yourself up and feeling so good again makes every single day of misery worth it all. I'm all about my family and friends. My heart is tender and it's been tested so many times over this last year. I've spent a lot of time soul searching laying in my bed and knowing that when and if I made it through this, I would forever be changed.  I feel that I have been changed for the better. I've been changed to be and accept the things that will never make sense to me. I will never understand Cancer I will never understand a lot of things but I know now that I don't have to know it all. I just have learned to appreciate each and every day I have and to share my story in hopes to make a difference in someone else's life. That's very important to me. I personally haven't had anyone else to learn from I learned together with the people I've met on on this often ever so lonely road.   I wish I had someone that shared their personally journey with me that I could read and know what to expect. I know that everyone is different but the basic information of what I could expect with each procedure I was having would've been nice. 

I feel like I'm a pro now. I know what going to happen and what to expect with the aftermath of each procedure and chemo treatment 

Life is good. I'm at a great place. Evan is out of the school for the summer and that takes a lot of pressure off. No fighting to get up and get ready in time for the bus and homework. It's fun time even though I  plan for her to do some tutoring this summer she's struggling a little with math and I think some one on one attention will help her with that.  She ended the school year with all B's like most parents I would like all A's. She's capable of it and with a little extra expense and time I think she will be jumping ahead a little bit I would rather her be ahead than behind! I want her to have every opportunity to be whatever she choses to be and even though she's just 7 I feel it's the perfect time to get things started! 


Life is just always full of stuff. Things that need to be done and things that have to be. Even with me being sick life has continued to go on. I slowed way down in my life, in a lot of ways and to be perfectly honest it wasn't such a bad thing anyways. I've been an overachiever my entire life.  Settling for less has just never been an option for me. Just being average wasn't ever meant for me and I find that the same as I have battled this disease.  I knew from that very  first day
 I would be giving this monster all I had inside of me to give to fight it off. And days like my week in Mexico and today by the pool with the kids is all part of my reward for fighting! There have been times I wasn't sure that I would make it through that day much less a year into treatment and feeling good. 

I'm back to chemo next week. I hate it. I can't lie about that but I know that I have to do whatever it takes to keep this monster manageable and for me it's all about making sure that happens. This summer with doing every other week will help a lot on having time to do things with the kids and feeling good enough to do them. 


I am excited a friend's daughter is having her gender reveal party tonight and it's nice being able to go and do things that at one time in this journey, I would not have been able to do.  

You never know how hard it is to overcome something until you are giving Some thing you are going through your all! This journey has been as tough mentally as it has physically at times. I think I did a good job of keeping it all together. There were times I thought I would lose my mind   I worried way too much, and thought about to many different scenarios. I had things to plan out just in case and things I had to come to grips with in my mind. I spent a lot of time alone thinking about what to do   How to handle certain situations and how to just stay within the moment and not to let myself get to far ahead. I was talking with someone about some of the things that I have already prepared for and they took it as a negative when  really we should all be prepared for what could happen especially people with small children. It's important not only because you are sick ...but because honestly... you never know what might happen.  Life is short. I do feel like one of the lucky ones.


 I know Sweet Melissa's funeral is today. Even though I never met her in person following in her own journey through ovarian cancer I felt I had gotten to know her. I cheered her own, prayed for her, and cried when I knew her time on this earth was close to the end. It's hard.  Some times life just doesn't make any sense. How the pain of losing someone is never easy. The fact is... We are all going to die one day of one thing or another. None of us will live forever. So don't waste your days being unhappy. I keep reading a friends post on FB about her cheating husband and how she had caught him cheating over and over again and just saying those words of an idle threat that never go past words. I say if you are that unhappy and willing to share the infidelity with the world you should be strong enough to let the relationship go because everyone deserves to be happy. Talk is cheap and actions speak much louder than words. 

I thought about how I never dreamed 12 months ago I would have been able to go on a week long girls trip out of the country. How I still have my life to live and how it's really nothing short of a miracle that truly is.  I am enjoying feeling good and know that I have so many more days so good left to live and enjoy. 


I'm happy to be home and I'm happy to be me. No matter what I've endured and no matter how much further I have to go it's my legacy, my story, my life to share in hopes to bring brighter days to someone else in need 


Don't cry for me. Pray for me. Know that nothing last forever and with determination and God's GRACE anything is possible. 


Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Blog #91. Mexico Girls Trip 2015



Don't cry for me ...Pray for me. I
I'm here in Mexico at a beautiful resort on a girls trip. What we had all hoped for as my remission trip but since that hasn't happened yet it's my enjoying life trip. To be perfectly honest when this journey began I never dreamed anything like this would ever be possible for me again. Never underestimate what can happen.  

I received a call on Friday from Dr Kooby, the surgeon at Emory and he said he spoke with his colleagues in NY and that they would be interested in meeting with me. The clinical trial would require me to go to NY once or twice per month but most of the stuff could be handled at Emory. He asked if I was interested and I told him yes so he was going to have his assistant set it up and they would call me next week to get me scheduled. I told him I was having my next pet scan the week of the 25th and that I would at least like to wait until that's done before going. I also would like to discuss it with Dr Chamsuddin first too. Hopefully, I can make all that happen. I value and trust Dr Chamsuddin's opinion and to be honest I'm hoping with the new pet scan results the Cancer will be gone and there will be no need for me to go. 


It's gorgeous here. The weather has been incredible. Even though I've been stuck under an umbrella and 70 proof sunscreen sprayed all over me I'm still enjoying the breeze off the ocean and the  time of rest and relaxation I've earned each step of this way. 

I am a little sad to be away from my little girl, Evan but we have facetimed and talked everyday.  

This trip has done me a world of good. I've been able to just relax and enjoy the calmness of having to do nothing at all. To not worry about another procedure, test, chemo, or even feeling bad. I've been feeling really good on the trip. I haven't allowed myself to overdo it at all When I get tired, I go back to the room and rest by  watching television, reading, or writing my book. 

I am feeling refreshed! Everything has gone so smoothly. It's been very nice just having this time to myself. To regroup and recharge. I'm back for chemo next week and then having my pet scan the following week. I'm looking forward to  seeing  how well this last Y90 treatment has worked and I've been praying to God no new tumor's have popped up, as well as the Cancer not spreading anywhere else. I will always have that fear. It's every Cancer patients fear and nightmare. I have 3 more days of paradise and I plan to enjoy every moment of it and be so grateful to even have had the opportunity to come and enjoy this once again. 

I wish every person going through what in going through had this incredible opportunity to recharge at such a gorgeous place. 

My friends have been incredibly accommodating to me. They have been very nurturing and attentive to my needs which is also great. I had one melt down this whole time and it didn't last long. I just dont want to be the sick person. I didn't want to hold them back from anything they wanted to do. What my new life reality is now. isn't what anyone would want in life but honestly just to be alive is so much better than the alternative could ever be. I face each day with new hope and inspiration. I've overcome so much of this disease and I hope to continue to do so as long as I can. I am a fighter and as much as I hoped that I was over the end of fighting for my life I am grateful for another day to do so especially in such a beautiful place as this. Life is not certain for any of us. My life changes have lead me insuch new  directions in my future sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball to see where my future my lead for me but I don't know that I would even want to see. I've been given back so much of who I once was by the expertise of Dr Chamsuddin that I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would not be here today enjoying my life without him and his team! He took a gamble with me and in my mind it's the best gamble he ever made. So tonight I am going to have a margarita just for him. I have avoided any drinking but I feel tonight my friends and I will toast to him and his compassion and heart to help save the life of once was a stranger to me and now has become my hero and friend.  

  Don't cry for me...Pray for me. Thank you all for reading and sharing. 

Friday, May 1, 2015

Blog #90. Affirmation of where I am suppose to be


It's crazy earlier this week as I was laying in bed and unable to get up and function. I wondered if I would ever feel good again? At the time I didn't honestly think so. I laid in my bed thinking of so many things. In those still and lonely moments in life that leaves you with way too much empty space in your head ...that your mind seems  to feel as if you need to fill with way to many thoughts. 

Today, I went to Emory to meet with Dr. Kooby, a liver surgeon that Dr. Chamsuddin had went before the board with several weeks back about my case. I really wasn't sure what to expect and what else this doctor would have to offer. As I sat in the waiting room waiting on my appointment a lot of different things ran through my mind. I sat pretty idle in these kind of  moments ...that I am uncertain of whom I might be meeting and/or what this new doctor may have to offer me in my fight against this ugly little monster called Cancer.

 I wonder who named this demon that invades individual's bodies that name"Cancer"? I wonder if it has a meaning? I'm thinking it might be a late night, can't sleep, kind of thing to google. Anyways.. once back in the little drab all white room I sat there as the MA came in and out . She was very sweet I'm thinking I have it right, La China )loving the name) As she walked into the room she just kept telling me how pretty and beautiful that I am. She must have said it two or three times. It did my heart and ego so good.   She looked at me and said "I am just curious as to why you are here? Seriously, why are you here"?  My brother spoke up and told her "she has stage 4 liver cancer" she stopped dead in her tracks and just gave me this blank look she said she just couldn't believe it! We told her I've looked like this for 15 months and I was told I might even live 8 weeks when first dx.  

 In walks the resident doctor that works with Dr Kooby. He asked me "what do you think is going on with your disease"? I gave my history and he just looked at me. I can't remember the question he asked me but whatever it was I answered with a quivering lip and tears coming out of my eyes.  He instantly took my hand and held it and said "before walking into this room I looked at your scans and I walked into this room and you are no where near the person I thought you would be" he meant as bad as this disease has been I should never look the way I do. I know I statistically and logically am not the same as other people as progressed with this disease are.  I'm resilent in some ways from the disease. I have no idea why. My body and fight against this disease truly does defeat all logical explanations. I just know that  I want to live I told him that. He asked me if I had family and I told him I do have my brother and sister. He asked if I lived with them, I obviously said no. He asked if I was working of course I said yes, full time  and I'm a single mother of a 7 year old. I could feel his heart connection with me. I could see in his eyes and the way he held my hand that he was wishing he had some magical solution to solve my problem and to cure this beast. 

I know he didn't and doesn't have that magical answer but his compassion was what was so great about him. I liked that. I can't be a patient of theirs but that didn't stop him for wanting to know my story and wanting to  reach out to me and comfort me  to what he knows is a very ugly disease. That's truly more of what doctor's should be about, after meeting him it truly only reaffirmed that where I am with Dr Chamsuddin is where  I am suppose to be. WE are a team. He's my doctor with a heart that takes me as his patient to heart and that will do whatever he can to give me as long as I may have to live. What more could I ever ask for?   

After meeting doctor Kooby and knowing there is no options for surgery and explanation of why and understanding Dr Chamsuddin's mission of sending me there in the first place to see me as the person I am and that hopefully he would want to help me as much as Dr. Chamsuddin himself does ... I didn't get that ...he was nice, but he did make it very clear he was a surgeon and in no way would they be able to operate on me and therefore this was a little off the scoop of his day because of that reason alone. I was okay with that. He was going to check in the clinical trial  but he hinted he assumed that it would require me move to NY and he assumed that it wouldn't be an option for me. Here's  the thing  about that anything is an option for me if it gets this Cancer gone I'd move to China if it allowed me even a year longer when you are a person fighting for your life never should one under estimate the ability of anyone to do whatever is necessary to make that happen. We left the meeting with him offering to check with his colleagues and letting me know.  



So, I left Emory for the second time in 15 months knowing and reaffirmed in my mind that Dr. Chamsuddin.. is who I am suppose to be on this journey with and I'm  great with that. Him and I are partners even if he were trying to get rid of me..  He is just sh** out of luck. He's stuck with me. We fight this thing together to the end. That's just the way it's suppose to be. Look how far we've come and we will continue this victory as long as we keep winning. That's all I can hope and ask for. 


***add on thoughts* 
It's now 2:38 in the morning and I am wide awake thinking about fitting inside a box ...even in modern medicine. There are protocols. There are procedures.  There are guidelines and as a patient wishing to save their lives we are  limited to those restrictions. I find that unfair and disheartening. I totally understand it in some ways and others I want to scream ***I can bend, I can fit into that box. Let me show you***taking chances is all I've ever known and this isn't a chance that I can take because I'm restricted by rules and guidelines. I was told I can't have the surgery because right where He would need to cut on the right side that's where my main veins running through my body are. I kept saying than take more of the liver. Take 75%. He pushed and said they don't do that they have to get it all. I just wanted to say "listen to what I'm saying. Take more rather than less of the liver" Of course he didn't budge. I have never fit into any box. I've never lived my life inside a box,  there has just never been any box I ever really fit into. It sounds silly but it's very true. So I stick to my plan I keep going on the road I am on. The road that's lead me thius far seems more promising and secure to me anyways to tell the truth!  I want the person treating me to know me. To understand me and my life. To see me more than this person that doesn't fit into a box. I honeslty am not sad about any of the decisions and discussions from yesterday. I just think it's funny when Dr Chamsuddin told me to go see Dr Kooby I said "why, if he is a surgeon and he can't operate on me?" he looked at me and replied "he's a doctor first Christy, before he's a surgeon" so I asked no other questions and did what he asked of me. What's funny about that as I asked Dr Kooby a few questions several times his response to me was " I am just a surgeon I leave that that stuff to my colleagues" I found myself smiling when he said it. I held my composure I showed up and did what was asked of me. I knew that there wasn't going to be some miracle break through yesterday. I didn't go into that meeting expecting a miracle I wrote the other day that knowledge is power and it truly is! I have to learned a lot ,.,I have turned every stone in this fight like most patients searching for answers. I don't know that searching for answers in my situation has changed anything. I have the doctor that's willing to go the extra mile! I've known that since day one. He's my miracle he wants to save me and I want him to save me. That's all I can ask I'm realistic in my disease but hopeful that while in fighting someone finds a cure. 
* end of add on***


I'm so glad it's the weekend I plan to rest up and get ready for my trip next week I'm less than 7 days and I get more excited by the minute. We are going to have a blast.  

I have great things going on in my life. I have my "GROOVE" back ... I'm off chemo for the next 19 days and no Cancer markers have been ordered. No imaging results waiting to be read, I am just on cruise control for a few weeks and I have to say that almost feels like Christmas morning as a little kid to me right now. 

Thanks for reading the most current update every step of this journey has its purpose and every thing leads to something else or truly  can just lead uou and reaffirm what I already knew I am with the right doctor and doing great where I am. 

Don't cry for me....Pray for me.   Pray for me to be feeling great on my girls trip and pray that I get the rest and relaxation I need and deserve.