Blog #53... Lord.. I hope this day is good

Just a quick note. I am doing pretty good. Chemo last Wednesday was really rough  over the weekend and put me in the bed for several days . I missed out on the movie's with some good friends. But, I got my sister to come over and lay in the bed with me and watch Lifetime Movies all day and it totally lifted my spirits....

I wasn't able to get out of bed until Tuesday and I only worked half a day. I work wherever I am and I come into my office when I feel good enough to get out and about.  I saw the oncologist yesterday and talked him out of chemo for this week. I was just not feeling good and I know my body and what it could take and another round of chemo this week just wasn't an option. So next week we are back on the treatments again. In the meantime I am trying to rebuild my energy and be ready for the next round of whatever is in store for me. 

I have a CT Scan at Newton Medical planned for Monday at 9:00. It will show us how well the last procedure did  getting those 6 out of the 7 fractions of a tumor left. Hoping it got them all. I know for sure I have one more procedure to get the one that was left behind my liver and the other left on my lung. I was hoping that the chemo would get that one on my lung but after 5 months of treatment it hasn't gotten it at all. It's okay it will be gone soon enough. I'm so ready to hear what Dr. Chamsuddin has to say about the results. 

Tonight, I meet with my liver cancer working group. I am excited. We have had conference calls but tonight we all get to meet in person and I am looking forward to it. Anything I can do to help make a difference in the life of someone else with this horrible disease is what I want to be doing. I've had several people say I should worry about getting myself healed, I have been doing that for 8 months and I feel I am called to a higher understanding and giving for other people. Some people follow their hearts and some are just to busy worrying about themselves. I have a story of hope that most people facing liver cancer don't have and I want my story to be heard. It can make all the difference in the lives of other people and it gives me that warm and fuzzy feeling of stepping out and making my own difference in the world. 

Last week Evan (my 6 year old) came home and told me that her and her friends sit in the grass at recess and look for me a 4 leaf clover. It melted my heart.  Then several days later she said (so and so) said that even if we find a 4 leaf clover that it would not help your mama.Made me so mad. What is wrong with kids these days? I wonder if that little girl ever got a single day of nurturing in her life, because she has been so hateful for the last 2 years. Then... last night Evan came into my bedroom with a homemade card she had made and asking me how to spell best friends.  I looked at her and asked if the card was for me... She said "no, it is for so and so" I love Evan's sweet, caring, and forgiving spirit, she had long since forgotten how that little so and so hurt her feelings, but not this  mama! 

I have so many things to teach my daughter, I have so much left to say and do to help her live a long and happy life, and that is one of the main reasons I get up every day and fight this little monster that's been living inside of me. I want my daughter to be strong, secure, and confident in the person she is. She struggles sometimes and I know that is because it's so confusing with me being sick and she doesn't know how to express herself at times but to lash out and be mean to me. I laugh because I don't think that she even realizes how many times I have been through hateful attitudes in my lifetime. 

Things are moving forward. I got fluids yesterday and today I am feeling pretty good. Not great ...but good and hey, I will take that. It's so much better than feeling bad that is for sure! So my next blog post will be with posted results from the CT Scan. Praying for the best news possible. One of the hardest parts about being a cancer patient is seeing others with this horrible disease lose their battles. Each time it breaks my heart a little more. It's like we're in a club. We have the same fears, we get one another, and most times I have not met these people... it's just a bond that I could never put into words. We share our journey's with one another. The good and bad days of this diseases. It's painful to see others and to hear about them suffering. I could for that reason alone never be in the medical field.. no matter how much I would want to heal someone the pain of seeing or hearing about them losing their lives would be way to much for me to handle .....I wish I could put into words how much pain this disease has caused me. I don't know that I have ever hurt as much in my life, it hurt when I lost my mother 17 years ago. I see things so differently now. How the stupid things that use to hurt my feelings and would tear me down, don't really even hurt me anymore. I have become a selfish person through fighting this disease. I have become more dependent. I have lost so much of my independence. I have to have someone take care of me when I am down and out or I wouldn't be able to eat or have someone there to take care of Evan... It's tough it's tougher than tough,... I had no idea how painful mentally this disease could be until I got it. When I am free of it's chains I am going to be the person I have always wanted to be ... I have found comfort in some people and I have been beyond disappointed in others. I have heard more excuses in the last 8 months of why this and why that ... until I just want to burst out laughing in people's faces when they start that crap.  We do what we want to do. We are there for the people we want to be there for. We give to whom we want to give too. No one walks in this life alone and sometimes when you are faced with the things in life that hurt you, you understand what things should have meant to you in the times that they you were needed.  People come and go in life.  I can tell you in this time of my life the true and caring friends have stood out when I have needed them. Anytime I am having anything done they are there not leaving that hospital until the surgery is over and they know I am okay. I don't even think I tell those people enough how much I appreciate and love them. It feels good to know someone is out there waiting for me to wake up and they can see my face before moving on with their day. I don't know many people that would do that but I know the handful that do it every single time.  

I wish I could say when you get sick all you have to focus on is getting better, life doesn't work that way. Life still goes on and there are just a lot more things that need to be done to make sure the ship keeps sailing. 

I have had this song attached on my heart this week... I hope you will listen https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWKJJplYfNM

Don't cry for me Pray for me.. I believe... I am a miracle and I believe I can be the testimony for other peoples miracles in the future. 

Blog #51... My amazing journey continues....

This morning, I took a "selfie" and posted it on FB (my blog photo) ... Caption read... "I'm like a timex watch.. I take a licking and keep on ticking"... It's the truth. I had another procedure last Wednesday, a week ago today, and the only time I have  stepped outside was when I was  leaving the hospital  coming home, until this morning. What a great day today is the cooler air, the beautiful sunshine, and the beauty of just being alive. I stayed in the bed most of the time, this past week. The pain was a little rough and I was just exhausted. I laid here many days thinking about all the things I needed and wanted to do when I was feeling better. If there is one thing I have learned about my body through all of this ... It's that your body can take a lot   and with a lot of  resting and relaxation it  has a way of helping it heal as you are rebuilding yourself back up again. Thank God, I feel good today. 

Another successful and amazing procedure done by Dr. Chamsuddin at  Newton Medical Center, in Covington GA.  When I go for my procedures, I always  taken to the outpatient pre-op area to be prepared for the procedure. All the nurses there know me, know my story, and each time they see me, they are curious as to what that next step is. I feel special.  

The same fellow always wheels me from the pre-op area to the radiology area where my procedures are done. He is always encourage me along the path that I'm in good hands,because he knows I am nervous . Nice guy and I feel like we are old friends by all the times we have been walking these paths of the procedures together. I make it to radiology and there stands the incredible team of ladies that help Dr. Chamsuddin with the procedures. They are always so nice and caring. I feel like I am part of their team even though I am the patient, they don't treat me that way, by now I could almost do one of their jobs laying there watching what all they do to help in saving my life. Except they are the experts and besides I never wanted to work much less  be in the medical field in any form. 

The week before last I had my CT Scan and I decided that I wanted to just get them all a little something special. I went to Kroger for something and sitting there in full view were some African Violets, one of my mama's favorite plants. I picked out the prettiest 8 and had them all sitting in a box top and surrounding the flowers I filled in the holes with every kind of candy I could find. I bought a simple card, as I just wanted all of them to know (all the people that help in the procedures), pre-certing the procedures, and scheduling me, just how grateful I am for what they do and how they mean a lot to me as well. Sometimes... it isn't the price of a gift, it's the heart felt love and caring that you give with a gift. For me the african violets mean a lot in my life, they always touch my heart when I see one and the people I gave them to may never know the significance of my gift, but I do and that is what counts. 

I was put to sleep, and when I woke I remember seeing and hearing Dr. Chamsuddin talking to me, he had come into recovery room  to check on me but was so foggy from the procedure and being put to sleep that it almost felt like a dream  .... I asked him later if he came he said yes... I asked "Why were you talking to me because I don't remember a thing?" he looked at me, the way he looks at me when he thinks I am being silly or goofy and said "All you said was blah blah blah,... You were out of it" I laugh and thought  to myself "No duh!" 

 I don't remember recovery, I could not tell you who the nurses are or what they even do for me, I can not remember any of the times that I have been there but I know they must take good care of me because I always wake up ..upstairs in a room with a nurse there offering me a pain shot... They in those moments become my best friends. My night nurse for two nights in a row.. he was great. Poor thing he had done something to his leg and couldn't walk very good at all. I told him to get a wheelchair and he could use it to get up and down the halls better to take care of his patients. He laughed and said he should "He didn't"  Even though he was hurting he came to help me with whatever it was I needed and he was AWESOME.. My day nurse and the student nurse were awesome as well. They were totally on top of my pain and were always available when I needed them. They did a great job taking care of me. The nurse that came on shift ... the day I left was great herself. She was cheerful, and so eager to work and help me. When she got the call she had another patient coming to the floor she was thrilled.  When nurses are happy to have more patients you know they are a good nurse.

 I had all kinds of people that work in the hospital come by and see me. To see if there was anything I needed. I felt like a celebrity but I can honestly say they weren't just on that floor to see me, they were there to see all the patients. That means a lot. To have good care. And to know that if you need something and you push a button that they will come immediately means a lot. I feel very secure and cared for from the procedures that Dr. Chamsuddin does to that entire staff at the hospital. Newton Medical Center may be small but it's full of  a lot of care and concern  for it's patients. It's forever my first choice of hospitals to go if I am in need of any medical needs I may have. Who would have thought a local hospital would have something so amazing to offer me that NO other large well known hospital would even consider offering me something that could save my life. Think about that I went to Emory, Piedmont, and to MD Anderson and every one of the doctors at those facilities told me to take chemo and die. Hell no.. I want to be 100% cancer free so I can be one of those people that is in their face telling them to stop being so shallow in their belief's and give their patients a chance at life. I would rather have a chance at life than the no chance at life they all gave me. Sad but it's the honest to God truth. I went outside of the box, to a local hospital and I got the treatment and care that I wasn't offered anywhere else and the chance to have a long life. I have to say who wouldn't chose Newton Medical and Dr. Chamsuddin over these big box hospitals that have these doctors treating patients that who knows how many lives they could have saved and chosen not to. 

This morning at 3:30 my beautiful 6 year old came in my room, got in my bed, and snuggled up next to me so much that she knew it would awaken me. I asked her to look at the clock and tell me what time it was, as I was hoping it was nowhere close to 6:30.... because I was still so very tired. When she turned over and told me what time it was, I wanted to be mad she had woken me up, but I was just so happy that I could make her go back to sleep. I asked her if anything was wrong... That's when the tears started pouring out of her little eyes and she told me about the $50 American Girl jacket she lost at school yesterday and about the library book that disappeared from her desk. Neither of those things upset me, they upset me because she was upset but nothing money can buy these days really matters much to me, and they could both be replaced. I found it odd that she waited until 3:30 in the morning to tell me, but we laid in the bed, made up silly songs, laughed, tickled and giggled like 2 children and it did my heart good. I knew at 3:30 this morning today was going to be a much better day, I got up, took her to the school. found the expensive little jacket in lost and found and went to the library to pay for the book and the librarian said she was not worrying about that book and we will deal with that much later in the year, it usually turns up. Evan wasn't with me to know the outcome of paying for the book but she will be happy when she gets home to realize that it wasn't a big deal.... I told her this morning, I am the mama and if things go wrong I want her to come to me, I am the one that is going to fix things and that there was no reason for her to worry about anything. A lesson learned and that takes me to the thought of how lucky and blessed I am to still be alive to experience these life lessons with my child. Fighting this battle has changed who I once was ....and who I might have been in the future, that's for sure. 

I have to stop writing I have chemo today (not my favorite part by far) I do what Dr. Chamsuddin says and if I didn't he said he wouldn't treat me anymore... The other day I told him he was never getting rid of me... I would stalk him... LOL.... We have a partnership and a life long friendship.. A story for us to tell and lives to save... He could never get rid of me!

 Dr. Chamsuddin when you read this as much as a pain as I can be... I want you to know  ... I think you are the bomb!! You are doing great things in the medical field...I  know that you have chosen the path in life you were meant to travel...Thank you for everything. Brings tears to my eyes to write this but I mean it from the top of my head to the tip of my toes you are amazing! 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me.... Share my story of love, compassion, hope, and life because you never know who just may need to hear the story for themselves. 

Blog #30... Rude people, God's Grace, and Strength beyond measure

 My blog picture today is my precious grandson, Landon Reid 
(aka Lanbug) last Friday night he got the  game ball at his baseball game. He is going to be a superstar, and I can't wait for him to play professional baseball and take good care of his old grandma!


Having cancer is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with, in my life. I can still remember the somber look on the ER Doctor's face when he told me the news. I can still remember the pain that hurt so deep, and yet in that moment I knew that I was in for the fight of my life. I had no idea where this journey was going to lead me, but I knew that I was going to beat this cancer.

Over the last several weeks, I have had some hard moments, those moments that I feared death. That I could not get my mind to wrap around the fact that I was sick, and much less could not be here to see my daughter and grandson grow up. The legacy of  my life are my two daughters and grandson. The people that I love and how they will emotionally suffer once I am gone. I spent so much time hurting for everyone else and the fears that come with this horrid disease. There wasn't a day that I did not cry, it was almost unbearable to talk about.  I have days I still get upset and now I am back on the mission of kicking this cancers ass and spreading my story to share the hope and joys of the life we have in the now, in this moment. 

I miss eating what I want, more than I could ever describe. I miss a glass of wine out with the girls on a Friday night. I miss so many things about how my life use to be. However, this is my new life. My new purpose. My new hearts desire to beat this, to spread the miracle of there is always hope and to be extremely honest with all of you about how I am feeling. I still fear dying, I will always carry some part of that fear with me, but my desire to live gets a little stronger with each day I fight this battle. I have no idea what is going to happen, I just believe that God, all of you, my family, and friends that pray for and believe in me every day has a huge part in my healing and my ability to fight this battle every single day. 

I met a mother yesterday, her daughter passed away 6 years ago from a very aggressive form of liver cancer. We sat and talked for an hour. We just shared our hearts and stories of what liver cancer means in each of our lives. The wisdom and courage she has amazed me. She is a beautiful person and her strength was something that made me feel so much better. The compassion from a stranger is something that totally melts my heart, her desire to take me on as a new friend and lend me her prayers and concern after all she personally has gone through is nothing less than amazing to me. I hope that she knows this and I can't truly wait to get to know her more. 

I go back to the oncologist tomorrow. I am not going to lie, I am afraid. I plan on hearing how great I am doing and then I have this "Traditional Medicine" fear that he might not agree this time. I should not allow myself to feel this way but honestly I can not seem to always control my mind these days, but honestly Who could?

Cancer has made me realize how precious life is.... How no matter how long we have in life we are not certain if there will even be a tomorrow. Every day that I wake up, I say "Thank You" because I am so grateful to be alive today, and every day that I have left to live. 

I look at myself in the mirror and the way my body has changed with eating healthy, and I see myself 35 pounds lighter and I look at my face that has less dark circle under my eyes, and I fit perfectly into clothes that I never dreamed I would wear again. I feel amazing. I run into people that say "You look better than I have seen you look in 10 years" I smile a huge smile. And then I run into other people that say "You have gotten to skinny. Your face looks sunk in and blah blah blah... I go back to that mirror and start questioning myself again 

It makes me angry that some people are just so stupid. First off, I never hear from those people, they never call to see how I am doing or even what I am doing. They are not the ones that know the fears I have with this disease and yet, somehow they feel entitled to voice their opinion about how I look. I just want to slap them, they make me question myself and it almost makes me want to never walk outside of my four walls so I don't have to deal with other people's opinion. Instead, I make excuses. I give them the reason and tell them I don't agree and then you know what I go home and cry. People are seriously very rude. Saying something mean to someone, does that make that person feel better about themselves? They shouldn't because honestly the people that have said it to me  should be on the same diet as me and they would look better themselves with a sunk in face instead of chubby cheeks. Just saying. I will not allow other people to get me down, they try their best. They are the devil working on me and in the long run they have their own insecurities. That is not my problem and I wake up another day, look in the mirror and I am happier with the way I look than I was the day before. I doubt they are! 


Having cancer for me isn't about just having cancer and trying to fight it, it is dealing with other people. Every one says you put yourself out there, and you should expect people to react. Well, I am not looking for pity in this disease when I share it, I expect and hope that people can find a compassion in their heart's for another human being and an understanding that really they can only really know if they were dealing with this themselves. A friend's brother was diagnosed last week and he said to me "I read every one of your blogs Christy and I  hurt for you then, but I had no idea how hurtful it was until it happened in my own family" It's very true, you will not understand this unless it happens to you to the extent of the pain it causes you and your family but I hope that through my journey I can share the good and bad days, the hurt and joy and to maybe, just maybe, make someone else's journey through this one day a little more comforting! I am happy. I feel good. I look good, I laugh a lot, I smile often. I get up with a mission of working, loving my kids and family, and beating cancer one day at a time. I get to see my daughter, Evan play softball and see the overwhelming joy on her face when she gets out on the field. I love to see her happy. I love that I can be who I am and that I will not allow cancer to take my soul and spirit. I believe that life has so much to be grateful for even in times that you are going through a hard time in life.I love meeting new people, and I enjoy all that life has to offer in a way that I never could have before now. I am humbled and grateful and appreciate each new day every new day! 



Life isn't fair, one day life is going along just fine and dandy and the next you are fighting for your life. I could as I always say, sit back and feel sorry for myself, but honestly, I am fighting way to hard to have be thinking Poor Pitiful Me... Right now, I am getting better, I feel it in my body! I feel it in my heart! If I could make my mind feel it 100% of the time then I would be PERFECT....

This is going to be a long journey, it is not and will not be a bed of roses but I know that I am loved, prayed for, cared about, and thought of often by so many people, friends and strangers alike! God hears our prayers and I know that I have just as great of a chance to me a miracle as anyone else. I am praying for and believing in God's Grace. 

Please continue to pray for me and my family. This road is bumpy and sometimes in the midst of the journey it is unbearable. I pray for strength for us all. I pray for God's Grace and I pray that I help one other person with this journey I travel. Thank you all for all the donations, cards, gifts and for being there for me with each new day! 

Don't cry for me....Pray for me!