(aka Lanbug) last Friday night he got the game ball at his baseball game. He is going to be a superstar, and I can't wait for him to play professional baseball and take good care of his old grandma!
Having cancer is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with, in my life. I can still remember the somber look on the ER Doctor's face when he told me the news. I can still remember the pain that hurt so deep, and yet in that moment I knew that I was in for the fight of my life. I had no idea where this journey was going to lead me, but I knew that I was going to beat this cancer.
Over the last several weeks, I have had some hard moments, those moments that I feared death. That I could not get my mind to wrap around the fact that I was sick, and much less could not be here to see my daughter and grandson grow up. The legacy of my life are my two daughters and grandson. The people that I love and how they will emotionally suffer once I am gone. I spent so much time hurting for everyone else and the fears that come with this horrid disease. There wasn't a day that I did not cry, it was almost unbearable to talk about. I have days I still get upset and now I am back on the mission of kicking this cancers ass and spreading my story to share the hope and joys of the life we have in the now, in this moment.
I miss eating what I want, more than I could ever describe. I miss a glass of wine out with the girls on a Friday night. I miss so many things about how my life use to be. However, this is my new life. My new purpose. My new hearts desire to beat this, to spread the miracle of there is always hope and to be extremely honest with all of you about how I am feeling. I still fear dying, I will always carry some part of that fear with me, but my desire to live gets a little stronger with each day I fight this battle. I have no idea what is going to happen, I just believe that God, all of you, my family, and friends that pray for and believe in me every day has a huge part in my healing and my ability to fight this battle every single day.
I met a mother yesterday, her daughter passed away 6 years ago from a very aggressive form of liver cancer. We sat and talked for an hour. We just shared our hearts and stories of what liver cancer means in each of our lives. The wisdom and courage she has amazed me. She is a beautiful person and her strength was something that made me feel so much better. The compassion from a stranger is something that totally melts my heart, her desire to take me on as a new friend and lend me her prayers and concern after all she personally has gone through is nothing less than amazing to me. I hope that she knows this and I can't truly wait to get to know her more.
I go back to the oncologist tomorrow. I am not going to lie, I am afraid. I plan on hearing how great I am doing and then I have this "Traditional Medicine" fear that he might not agree this time. I should not allow myself to feel this way but honestly I can not seem to always control my mind these days, but honestly Who could?
Cancer has made me realize how precious life is.... How no matter how long we have in life we are not certain if there will even be a tomorrow. Every day that I wake up, I say "Thank You" because I am so grateful to be alive today, and every day that I have left to live.
I look at myself in the mirror and the way my body has changed with eating healthy, and I see myself 35 pounds lighter and I look at my face that has less dark circle under my eyes, and I fit perfectly into clothes that I never dreamed I would wear again. I feel amazing. I run into people that say "You look better than I have seen you look in 10 years" I smile a huge smile. And then I run into other people that say "You have gotten to skinny. Your face looks sunk in and blah blah blah... I go back to that mirror and start questioning myself again
It makes me angry that some people are just so stupid. First off, I never hear from those people, they never call to see how I am doing or even what I am doing. They are not the ones that know the fears I have with this disease and yet, somehow they feel entitled to voice their opinion about how I look. I just want to slap them, they make me question myself and it almost makes me want to never walk outside of my four walls so I don't have to deal with other people's opinion. Instead, I make excuses. I give them the reason and tell them I don't agree and then you know what I go home and cry. People are seriously very rude. Saying something mean to someone, does that make that person feel better about themselves? They shouldn't because honestly the people that have said it to me should be on the same diet as me and they would look better themselves with a sunk in face instead of chubby cheeks. Just saying. I will not allow other people to get me down, they try their best. They are the devil working on me and in the long run they have their own insecurities. That is not my problem and I wake up another day, look in the mirror and I am happier with the way I look than I was the day before. I doubt they are!
Having cancer for me isn't about just having cancer and trying to fight it, it is dealing with other people. Every one says you put yourself out there, and you should expect people to react. Well, I am not looking for pity in this disease when I share it, I expect and hope that people can find a compassion in their heart's for another human being and an understanding that really they can only really know if they were dealing with this themselves. A friend's brother was diagnosed last week and he said to me "I read every one of your blogs Christy and I hurt for you then, but I had no idea how hurtful it was until it happened in my own family" It's very true, you will not understand this unless it happens to you to the extent of the pain it causes you and your family but I hope that through my journey I can share the good and bad days, the hurt and joy and to maybe, just maybe, make someone else's journey through this one day a little more comforting! I am happy. I feel good. I look good, I laugh a lot, I smile often. I get up with a mission of working, loving my kids and family, and beating cancer one day at a time. I get to see my daughter, Evan play softball and see the overwhelming joy on her face when she gets out on the field. I love to see her happy. I love that I can be who I am and that I will not allow cancer to take my soul and spirit. I believe that life has so much to be grateful for even in times that you are going through a hard time in life.I love meeting new people, and I enjoy all that life has to offer in a way that I never could have before now. I am humbled and grateful and appreciate each new day every new day!
Life isn't fair, one day life is going along just fine and dandy and the next you are fighting for your life. I could as I always say, sit back and feel sorry for myself, but honestly, I am fighting way to hard to have be thinking Poor Pitiful Me... Right now, I am getting better, I feel it in my body! I feel it in my heart! If I could make my mind feel it 100% of the time then I would be PERFECT....
This is going to be a long journey, it is not and will not be a bed of roses but I know that I am loved, prayed for, cared about, and thought of often by so many people, friends and strangers alike! God hears our prayers and I know that I have just as great of a chance to me a miracle as anyone else. I am praying for and believing in God's Grace.
Please continue to pray for me and my family. This road is bumpy and sometimes in the midst of the journey it is unbearable. I pray for strength for us all. I pray for God's Grace and I pray that I help one other person with this journey I travel. Thank you all for all the donations, cards, gifts and for being there for me with each new day!
Don't cry for me....Pray for me!
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