Post #28.... "When all you can really tell ....Is the truth!"

Sharing this journey isn't easy, writing my thoughts and feeling sometimes makes me so upset.  However,  I do it for all of you and for myself. This journey has to be shared with the world. There is hope in having cancer, there are so many other emotions as well, but there is a certain feeling of happiness I get from sharing my journey with the world! 

I am getting a little tired and worn out. I seem to always have some where to be. Liver cancer has changed me forever. It has made me the saddest and yet the most determined person I know. It has given me a new perspective on life and it has taken my soul to the deepest of despair. I do my best to have a positive attitude every day, because all I have is now in this moment, I have to be grateful of the life I have left to live and not worry about what we will if I don't make it through this. It breaks my heart into a million pieces, and the joys that I live more abundantly today and all the days left of my life, I am more grateful for. It's difficult. I could easily sit around all the time and say "What if I don't make it?" I have been told that I won't and I have been told I could have a long life. Who's right? I ponder that question late at night, alone in my bed, as I cry myself to sleep! 

I see a change in my 6 year old, with her knowing that her mama is sick and fighting hard. I don't regret telling her because she would have known anyways, I am different. I am fighting to be here and how could anyone be the same person they were before they were told they were dying? 

Treatments are going good, they really are! The Doc is trying to keep me energetic and well, he honestly feels my pain, because he has taken my life in his hands, and I am sure this is something that weighs heavy on his mind all the time, as it does mine. This journey is full of mysteries and hopefully miracles. It isn't easy to overcome the obstacles I face on a daily bases but... I do it. Because I want to live. I want to see Evan and Landon grow up, I want to be the person that has something to tell the world. I want other people to believe that alternative medicine has a place in healing cancer, because at the end of the day most people are truly not interested in something that could make a difference other than chemo, radiation, and surgery. I want to be a miracle I want to heal my body the natural ways and to know that I can make a difference in the lives of so many others that are as skeptical as I was originally. When I first got sick, my boyfriend instantly went online, looking for alternative medicine treatments. I was not open, I said "I am going to do chemo there is no way in hell I would do alternative treatments. For God sake, Steve Jobs did alternative treatments and he died" That was honestly my opinion. I was not open in the slightest. But with each Oncologist I saw, and the diagnose getting worse and worse for me, I started to open my mind. I had to make the choice to go the alternative route because honestly I had no chance at survival with chemo, 4 out of 5 doctors told me that, I had to open my mind and think about the future. I had to think about how I wanted to live the next 12 months of my life, sick and taking chemo, or feeling good and giving it my best shot naturally to save my life. I chose LIFE!! 

I have no idea what tomorrow brings. I just know that I have been giving this disease my best shot at battle and I am hoping that I will not be defeated. I could easily feel defeated now. I am so afraid, there are no words to describe my fear. It is there all the time, and it's up to me to talk myself out of being upset, sad, and afraid. I have moments where I fall apart and then I pick myself up, dust myself off, and move forward with my day! 

Cancer Sucks... It is such a horrible disease. I have spent my life not thinking about what certain things would do to my body, and now I am totally consumed with it. I know a lot of people have really began to change their own ways of life because of me, it's assuring and it's hopeful that the world isn't going to always be so much about the easy food (that is extremely unhealthy for us) and more open to eating healthy and avoiding such complications as I am facing in my own life. 

This week I start seeing a traumatic counselor, someone that works with people all the time facing the fears and uncertainties that I am now facing! I need it, I had gotten really bad for a couple of weeks and just wanted to cry and be down 24 hours a day. I was mad and uncertain that I wanted to face each new day because I am one of those kind of people that is an overachiever and hates to fail at anything. I can't fail at this... And I have been putting way to much pressure on myself, to the point I am not sleeping good, worried all the time, and fearful. It's going to be more money I have to spend but I know to fight this with all my might I have to keep my head on straight! Cancer isn't about the place in the body you have it, it is about how it makes your mind and heart feel. It affects every thing about you. 

I want to be well, I have to be well. I want to know that I can make it through this and can spend the rest of my life helping others to see how they can make it through this as well. This road is long, as short as I would like for it to be it's long and very hurtful! But, it's all roads in life full of bumps and potholes?

Over the weekend,I met a guy working in a candy store. He asked me "Why didn't you get something in here for yourself" I told him I had cancer, and that I was fighting for my life and each healthy, he asked me a lot of questions about the things I was doing. I thought he must know someone with cancer himself. He does, his mom. She had breast cancer, and did traditional chemo and radiation, and they got it all, but now it has spread to her colon, and she is doing nothing about it, he is trying to convince her to try alternative medicine options and she refuses, he actually left her in his house in TX and has moved away because he could not stand to see her dying each day! I gave him my website and my email address and told him I would like for us to share information and wondered if his mom would be willing to talk with me... He said he would be in touch. 

Stuff like this breaks my heart, because I will never give up fighting, not a day that I have a breath in me to breath I will not give up. I can't then cancer would win, and I won't let it win without my best shot at fighting for the most valuable thing in this world to me ... My Life!!!!

I go back to the oncologist on May 1st, I am looking forward to that meeting. I am looking forward to hearing him say how good I still look. I need that. I need reassurance in this vulnerable time in my life, and I hope that you all know how grateful I am for all the love, support, and tenderness you have shown me in this most difficult time in my life. Life is so worth living. Each day isn't a promise of tomorrow, but it certainly another chance at having the best life you can possibly have.