When I was first diagnosed, and a few weeks afterwards, I was upset with some people, the people that have always known and even expected me to rally around them when things have gone wrong in their lives, and I never disappointed them. They have certainly not been the friend to me that I had always been to them. I'm good with that. I will not be the person they once knew, I am forever changed by a disease that opens my eyes to a new world and makes you face things at face value.
This is something you will never know or understand until you are faced with the heartaches that I have been dealt over the last 2 months. Sometimes, I want to call them and ask "Why, don't you call me? Is my friendship not important to you anymore? Do you not call because it hurts you to think that I might not make it through this?" With that being said.... I would say, you don't call because you don't want to call me, you have all the time in the world to post pictures of your kids, your status updates on facebook , I see 15 times a day, and if you think this disease is hurting you, try being me for a day. From day one every one has been saying how strong I am, they are right. I am very strong, I can tell you this fight isn't for wimps, it isn't just about getting medicine, it's about not eating every single thing that I love, it's not ever smoking a cigarette or having a glass of wine with dinner. It isn't easy as I have changed every single thing about my life. I had to do it. There WAS no choice. I would cry when I would have lunch or dinner with people and they would eat cheese dip, bread and lots of butter, and other things in front of me. I would never say anything but I would go home and cry my eyes out. I wanted those things and in the beginning it hurt me that they had done that to me. But, I realized my disease isn't about them. It isn't an excuse for me to be upset. They are allowed to have whatever they wanted to eat. So I got over that fast.... and never said a word to anyone but my brother and sister that had to sit there and listen to me cry! There are so many things that go through my mind that I never say anything about. I won't either. I have a friend that called yesterday that said she can not even go through the clothes I gave her of Evan's for her daughter, that it hurts her to bad. I told her to not waste the clothes. I am going to make it and if she waste time her daughter will grow out of them too!
Even the waitress at lunch today said "OMG! If I had blood drawn it would be pure Dr. Pepper. If I was told I could not have it I don't think I would or could give it up" Isn't that what most people feel? Not me, If I were not this sick I would have probably never changed my diet either, and that is being completely honest. I love all the things all of us love. I miss every thing and I face it every day I ride by McDonald's cause I still want a Big Mac and a large fry with a coca cola, and boy don't they have the best one's around?
But I resist, not because I want to... but, because I am forced to in this venture to save my life. I want to live and living isn't about a Big Mac, pizza, cup of coffee, or a big bowl of ice cream, for me life is about living and breathing and being with my family as long as I have to be with them. Cancer loves sugar! Cancer feeds on sugar, carbs turn into sugar, and sugar feeds your cancer, and allows it to continue to grow.
CHEMO +SICK+ NO QUALITY OF LIFE=Die in 12 months OR
Alternative Medicine+Build my immune system+ Fight cancer with unharmful things to my body+ FEELING GREAT EVERYDAY = LIFE
There was no other choice to make here. I listened to all of my choices, I went from place to place with an open mind, I was hopeful on both sides of the decisions to be made, but I just know that the choices I made had to be my choices, I had no other person to turn to to make the decisions. I always thought Chemo was the miracle cure, it would just take it completely out of my body and heal me, and I would live happily ever after, not in my case. I don't deny there are a lot of people that have done good with chemo and survived and God bless them. I was told I would not!
Life is about our choices, the roads we chose to travel and the roads we leave behind. I want to make the right choices, and in my heart and soul as I travel this alternative treatment road, I believe I have made the best possible choices for me and my family.
I'm at a good place. I have settled some tough things in my mind, and as I have settled into the new me, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will be a better person than I was. I will no longer let people that never deserved my feelings to ever have them again. And I know what loving someone is all about and it has nothing to do with parties, expensive presents, or paying for someone's dinner. A friendship is about being there when the chips are down, the person is feeling defeated, scared, afraid, and uncertain. The people standing by your side through those times of life, are your true friends, with true friends like that who needs all those fake ones.
I made a lot of money over the years, and I lived a very good life. I had any thing my heart desired, the problem is that I bought every thing I wanted, I never looked at the future and what could happen, and how life can totally change on a dime. Over the last 6 years, as I was short selling my big nice house, and down sizing every thing, and I cried over a lot of spilled milk in those days. I had a miracle that came along during those times as well, I had my little Evan Raine, she was the bright spot in it all. She was the one I would go home to... that was always happy to see me, a gave me such hope and encouragement for the future. Over the last 2 years I opened my Insurance Agency and it has been abundant with people for me to help insure and save them money. I have worked my fingers to the bones over the last two years! Without my job, my brother, my friends and donations I would never be on this road of healing myself. I would be forced to just let the cancer continue to grow because traditional medicine would have killed me a lot faster than doing nothing at all about it.
NOTHING last forever. Absolutely nothing does. Never count your chickens before they hatch, never think "NEVER" because sometimes never comes whole lot faster than you can even imagine. Life is short and love is ever lasting. A hug is worth more than a hundred dollars and life is worth living every single day. The times when things in your own life might be falling apart, know that you too can make it through anything. Forget about the the small things and quit stressing over them. Allow yourself to see the beauty in the things you have never seen before and know that even on the worst days, there will be much better days to come.
Give of yourself to the people that will give of themselves to you. It's sometimes very hard to see through the smoked glass to see who will be there for you, and once the smoke clears you might be surprised as I have been... who is standing there looking you in the mirror.
The outpouring of prayers, donations, and people just contacting me every day is amazing. Sometimes we might cry together, or we may even laugh. It's something that I can only share with you as a individual and you with me.
Today, at treatment my doctor said "I was the healthiest cancer patient he has! " I felt like he told me I had won the MEGA MILLION'S... I actually did it just wasn't in money! I use to think money was the most important part of my life and now I realize it's
MY HEALTH! Boy, it's certainly the very most important part of each of our lives. I hope through my journey and blogs I have encouraged you to think more of yourself and to take better care of the one life we are all given.
Don't cry for me... Pray for me! I am fighting and praying and hope you will do the same!
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