Blog #23... "A mama never wants to let her child down"

A mother's biggest fear......

 Unfortunately, with me having cancer, going through treatments 3 days a week, working full time, and my sweet little Evan playing softball, I seem to always think I'm going to  forget something. Today, I posted all the pictures of the people I love most in this world! I would love for you and every one you know to be praying for all of us. Pray for strength and healing and PEACE. Cancer hurts the whole family not just the person with the horrible disease! 

Last night at Evan's game, I started wondering if it was my night to bring snacks, I started  to really panic. I never want to let my daughter down, much less the other kids on the team! 

After the game, I looked around and saw no one with snacks to hand out, and I got so upset with myself. I just knew it was my day to bring the snacks and I had to be the one, because who else could forget that?. (I know you are thinking to yourself, I have a good excuse to have missed my turn, but honestly, I don't think like that.) I am a person that always follows through with everything, and takes the bull by the horns and runs with it. These days I am on overload with my mind, and I don't want to forget anything I am suppose to be doing. 

The snack schedule was at work, and as soon as I got in this morning, I looked, just knowing in my mind that I had messed up. When I looked at yesterday's date, it wasn't my name on the schedule and I felt such a sense of relief. I was actually going to take cupcakes to all the girls tomorrow night at practice to make up for missing the snacks last night, because I felt that I should and now I think I will just take them because I can. 

Going through all that I am going through isn't easy. I want to give everything 100% and to be perfectly honest, I just can't. I am not a homebody kind of person, and these days I wish that I could be, I know that I go more than I should. We all do. It's our obligation and commitments in life that keep us on the road. When I signed Evan up for softball, I had never dreamed that I would be diagnosed with cancer, and yet even if I had been, I would have still signed her up. Cancer can not affect my daughters life the way it is affecting mine. I really try to do all the things I have always done.  The other night we were at a party and a friends little boy was being funny and said something to me, Evan snapped her head around and said "You stop, my mama is sick... Leave her alone" It brought tears to my eyes. She knows that things are not right with me, she doesn't know that every day I am fighting to save my life, but she knows I have cancer, and that every day I am getting better. 

This disease is horrible. It takes the core of my soul and twist and turns it into several emotions every day. I had treatment again yesterday. This week I am only doing two treatments, Tuesday and Friday!  The doctor is out on spring break vacation. I like doing Monday, Wednesday's, and Friday's... but honestly I have two days in a row off this week, and I am excited about getting some things at work caught up and just have the opportunity to catch my breath a little bit. 

My treatments are still going good. All of my supplements got changed last week because the blood test that was done in Greece, required different types of supplements in helping to get rid of my cancer. I also orders a infer red sauna tent, which is a treatment that I will be doing at home 7 days a week, where I sit in this tent in 140 degree heat for 15-20 minutes.  I love anything warm. But considering it's beginning to get hot outside maybe I should take a cold shower first and then get in it. Wonder if that would work?

This morning, I received the sweetest message on Facebook, one of my neighbors bought 4 shirts and gave me $200, earlier in the week. I told her I could not take the money and she refused to take it back, it made me cry, and I am so thankful.  I plan to pay it forward as I gave Evan's teacher at school one yesterday for free, because she is taking her free time in the afternoons to help Evan with her sight words and reading and refuses to take any money from  me. A kind gesture for a kind gesture. Anyways, the message I got on Facebook was from my neighbor that bought the shirts, she said her oldest daughter is going around school, and selling my T shirts, getting the sizes and money to help me out. I thought that was so amazing, it melted my heart. A beautiful girl with an amazing heart, we should all be so lucky to have such a wonderful child, as my friend has. 

I go back to see my oncologist Dr. Ballard at Piedmont on May 1st. I hope that he see's so much improvement in me as we are all hoping for. I don't know if he will order another pep scan on that day, or maybe even a CT Scan to see how the lesions on my liver are doing. I know by then I will be ready to see the successes of my efforts and treatments I have been doing. I am very happy with how I feel and how I look. I think that my health is diffidently headed in the right direction. I know there are some people that don't believe in alternative medicine. The listen to what the traditional doctors say and are closed minded about anything outside of what they suggest. I have to say that I think that is a shame. There are chances of survival that so many people have never considered, would never consider, and maybe the should have. I am giving my body the best of everything I have to fight with to beat this, and through that alone, it's more than I can hope for and believe in to recover from this horrible disease. I have no idea what the future holds, I just know what I am doing now has a better chance at my future than the chemo and radiation that was originally offered to me, that could maintain my life. I want to live. I want to grow old, have gray hair, learn to knit, and play bridge. I want all the things out of life that so many of you want, and that simply is just to live another day. 

I hope that through my journey you take my messages and do what you can in your own life to make changes. Give when you are not required to do so. Think about others more, especially the people that mean something in and to your life. It's easy to get ourselves wrapped up in our own lives and never spend much time looking outside of the box at the people around us, that we could spare a kind word or gesture to that could make all the difference in their lives.  

Life is worth living. Life has so many blessings that we actually let them pass us by without given them any attention or justification. We all should do better at being a better person and friend.