I chose this picture for my blog today because as a mother we want our children to need us, to want us, to love us, and to believe that we can do anything. So today was a tough one for those reasons alone.....
This morning, I received a call from my Insurance Company, I was finally assigned a case manager. I requested a case manager, several weeks ago to make certain I was following the guidelines, as far as what they will pay and trying to get quicker responses on required treatments and tests, that have to be certified, along with making sure all these pending claims I have with them get paid.
In our conversation I didn't realize how detailed it would be. How she would go over those kinds of things that no one fighting for their life really wants to think about... much less have to have to have the discussions of their long term care needs, that you may have further down the line in this disease.
I broke down in tears several times, first time was when I had to repeat for the millionth time my story of how this cancer all came about, all the things I have been through, it hurts so much reliving the details of how my life changed in a blink of an eye. When I have to talk about cancer, I think about it. Sometimes I just wish I never had to think or talk about it ever again, and usually that is every single day!
Then she asked about Hospice care and explained how they pay those kinds of claims and she would help me throughout the process of everything! How I should make sure I have people to take care of me when I am in and out of the hospital. I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell her that none of those things were going to come into play in my life, I am going to be healed and I will no longer ever have cancer again.
As much as I wanted to say that, all I could do was cry thinking about the pain that her words brought into my life today. I hate Cancer, I wish that it was something that a simple pill could get rid of... like a sinus infection does with antibiotics. Makes me mad as hell that I am sick. The thought of me having to have hospice come in and take care of me in my final hour is almost unbearable to think about. No matter how strong I am, conversations like these are the worst. They are truly the WORST~!
I try my best to believe that I am going to be well, and there is always some thing lurking in the background of life that takes all my confidence and within a second can change it all. When I hung up the phone with my Insurance Company I called my friend Ashley and cried my eyes out, I opened up my heart to her and shared my fears, and sitting there on the other end of the line I knew she was sharing her fears with me. She said she just can't wrap her mind around the fact that I am sick! How she is in denial and feels it really can't be true. I know that feeling, I feel that way too.
I wonder sometimes if all cancer patients feel this way about their own lives. It's hard to know because I don't think most people want the answers for their lives that I am always asking my doctors for. I want to know, I don't just want to wake up one day and I can not get up and go to work and I just drift away from life and not know what to expect. I want to know how time is going to go with this disease and no one has those answers for me. It makes me mad. It so unfair that you are given this disease and you have to fight for your life and you have no idea in the world how long of a life you have left.
It is not easy going through this disease. It's not easy living a life of uncertainty but when you really think about it ... We all live an uncertain life. I could sit here and dwell on the things that we discussed this morning, but I have worked all day .. Dried my tears and kept going! thought on an off about certain aspects. I decided to share this in my blog today because these things are important to prepare for yourself or even someone else you know. Cancer is a silent killer, someone told me that last week, and to be honest, I believe it. It's something that is living inside of you, killing you. Taking the very life you have inside of you and destroying it day by day. I don't understand how that can happen. Why it happens to some people and not others.
At lunch today, this guy walked by and asked me if I were saving the cur-tons from my salad to feed the birds. I laughed and said "No, I am eating healthy and a healthy diet doesn't include those" He chuckled, I then told him "those things could be the difference between life and death" He walked away. He might not have given it much thought now in his life, but if someone he knows gets sick, he will be considering it a whole lot more then. Life changes and things that change usually makes us all see things through new eyes
I finally have my t shirts made and ready to send out..... You can log onto Paypal and send $10 per shirt with a $2 per shirt shipping charge to singlemombook@gmail.com, in the remarks section please include your size request and mailing address, and we will have them out to you in a few days. I have an amazing friend sending out the shirts for me and she works a full time job herself, as well as being a single mom, and focusing on me all the time, so be patient with receiving them for a week at least. She is doing all of this out of the kindness of her heart and I appreciate her very much~! I will also be adding a link to paypal on the side of the blog along with a photo of the t shirt! These shirts are to help me in paying for the alternative treatment I am doing, nothing greater to give to then saving the life of someone that wants to live so badly and has so much to live for! Thank you for your orders and support through this journey!
Don't cry for me... Pray for me to beat cancers ass!
Thanks as always for reading and sharing this journey .... No one is an island and we all need a friend to help us through some of the tough days in life.
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