I HATE CANCER ....
Tomorrow, my brother and I head out to Phoenix Arizona! We are going to a alternative treatment center, for a consultation, only. I have asked several of the oncologist that I have met with about doing alternative treatment along with doing the chemo. They all have said "it won't hurt you" .. Which I plan to do both, I wish I didn't have to do the chemo.... I am deadly afraid of taking chemo into my body, and yet, I met with the doctor at MD Anderson and he says chemo is what is going to contain and manage my disease, and ultimately my life, so then what choice do I really have, but to take it?
This past month has been a nightmare!!! A time in my life that I wish that I could block out, and totally forget about for the rest of my life, and unfortunately that isn't possible. I see the pain that this disease has caused my family. The look of fear in their eyes, as we all try to get this upbeat attitude in front of one another and cry ourselves to sleep at night, often. I have the best family in the world. We have never had the traditional life, and I think through the heartaches and struggles we have endured together has made our bond stronger than anyone could ever break. We get frustrated with each other, we may ignore a phone call or two here and there over the years, but you better bet your ass when it comes to needing one another we are there in a blink of an eye or quicker!
Life hasn't been easy for us, we always just our mom to love and nurture us. She had a hard time in life, and yet, she was all we had and did the best she could! . When she died on 8/20/1997, it was what I thought to be the hardest day of my life,.I never wanted to feel that kind of pain I felt on that day, ever again. The years go by and I still miss and love her, but it doesn't hurt as much. Now, I wish she was here. I wish she was here to cuddle and comfort me.... that kind of love and comfort that only a mother can give you. I would do anything just to talk to her, just to know that she was by my side. It's hard. It's the toughest of times in my life, and I want to scream sometimes. I need to be held and I need to feel loved in my moments of total weakness. I have one friend in particular at my moments that I am so upset, he is the one person I can pick up the phone and call, he doesn't give me advice, doesn't scold me about crying, doesn't tell me to get off my pity party, what he does is he sits and listens. If he cries along with me, I am not sure, but it's in those moments all about me and what I need and I don't think I could make it some nights without his unexpected friendship. To be a unselfish friend is amazing. I needed this person to come just to listen to me and he came at the perfect time in my life!
Everyone else tries to tell me what I need to do, when I need to do it. I feel like a lab rat sometimes, but being this little lab rat may be the one thing that saves my life. My brother is doing all that he can to make this disease go away, I fear that he will always worry and then my biggest fear if I don't make it through all of this he will always wonder what he could have done differently. There is nothing, he is doing everything .. He reads day and night, he looks at every single thing he finds to make this all go away. I just don't want him to ever question himself because he has done for me what no other person would go to these extremes to do to save my life, and he has done the most amazing job. He has forced me to do things and go places I have been reluctant to go, but I have done it because he has only my VERY Best interest at heart. How many people can say they are loved that much? I am loved. I know in my heart and soul how much I am loved and without that I would not make it through any of these days of uncertainty with a smile on my face,as much as I do now. . I am lucky!
Everyone needs someone that they can go to, that they can confide in, that they have no expectations! Every one needs good friends, and I have many of them, it's just every one is so busy, every one has their own things going on, their own struggles, and I hate bothering people. Sometimes, I just feel like a broken record, and I hate it. I wish Cancer never had to come from my mouth, but then I would have no story to tell, no victory to proclaim, no lessons to be learned.
The lessons I am learning on this journey are tough, really tough. I wish I would have taken better care of my body! Wish I never smoked! Wish I had always eaten healthier,! We can live on what we wish we had done we have to move forward with what we NEED to do now,. and for me. I am taking better care of myself and I can only move forward and hope for the best and have faith that I am going to live a long life and come to the other side of this manageable cancer, and make some difference in the lives that I touch along the way. I was at Sunday School (in a new class of 25 people I only new the teacher, my friend Robin Payne) she knows what is going on with me, and asked if I had any prayer request. I sat there, and I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to ask a room full of people to pray for me, I wanted then to pray for another woman, I have never met, I have only met her amazing mother and father on the wait to get on the flight to come home to Atlanta, and through our age differences, we had more in common than I do with most people I have known all of my life, I felt such a connection to this couple, not only for the fear of their daughter having cancer, but for the fear they had within themselves and what this disease does to a family. I wanted my Sunday School class to pray for them instead of myself, I have a ton of people all over the country praying for me, I wanted my prayers shared with them! I cried as I asked, and told my story but I also told of how I wanted to help others facing all these fears I myself are facing. God has a way of making me stronger to give my strength to others around me, I believe that and I will never miss an opportunity to reach out and help in making something a little better or brighter in someone else's life, because I will never be anyone other than, me, Christy Hicks, a giver, fighter, and believer that I can beat this and be the person I wish I had always been all along.
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