It's weird how this disease can sometimes make you feel so isolated from the world. I got a text message this week from my group of girlfriends, that I call "The Covington Girls" wanting to know if I could meet for lunch. I couldn't go, I was headed 45 minutes in the opposite direction for treatment that day. I cried, because I wanted to go, I seem to be reminded every day how much my life has changed. Before now, every chance I got to get together with them, I did.
Now, this disease has totally spun my life in a new direction, it's about doing what I can to save my life, and in doing so... I am going to be missing out on a lot of things. I know it's worth it, and I am fighting this fight that no one understands except for the people that cry every day, have sleepless nights, and wake up every morning just to hear my voice to make sure I made it through the night.
That is a hard feeling to carry in your heart, you know why people do the things they do, it's unspoken, most of the time. The hardest part of this disease for me is seeing my brother and sister having to suffer through the pain and worry as much as I am. I worry so much more about both of them as I worry about myself. I wish every day that this will just go away, to give the three of us some comfort, and to not let them suffer through any more heartache for me. We are as close as the three of us can be, and what I feel, I know they feel too. I do my best to not cry to them, to not upset them, to not make their hearts hurt anymore than they do.
The one lesson I have learned through this journey, that I don't like so much is.... People have their own lives and sometimes they do not need the burdens of another person to interfere with theirs. It's okay, you known when someone should not be a part of your life, and making choices is what friendships are about, you have some that last a lifetime and some that fade away in the distance. No regrets, you only need the people in your life that want to be there and will always be there. People often seem to disappoint us, but what can we do about the choices of other people??? Sometimes, it's really just to hard for people to be a "FRIEND"... I get that. And hey, it's okay... we all have to make our own choices in life, don't we??? Be okay with choices that are made throughout your life, the ones you make, and the ones that are made for you, those things always happen for a reason.
Friday, I had great news... my cancer marker that was taken at MD Anderson a few weeks ago... was at 1450, and before beginning this new alternative treatment, and only drink this special water, and taking some vitamins and supplements, my cancer maker is down 100 points to 1350. That was awesome news. I am so glad to see it going down. I am excited to see that marker changing and decreasing. The plan is to check my blood and cancer markers every 2 weeks. So, I will be anxious to see how much it goes down again, next week. It's working.
I was meeting a friend for lunch on the way back from treatment, and I was thinking about all the places we could go eat, my favorite place to eat is "On the Border" I love their cheese dip. I could seriously dive into the bowl and eat the entire thing myself,in one sitting.
I was talking to my brother, while I was trying to decide, I said,"I think I might go to On the Border, and get chicken fajita's and dip my chicken in a little of the cheese dip" Guess what he said "I wouldn't do, you are doing so good. What you are doing with your diet and treatment so far is working, I would not change a single thing" As much as I wanted to hang up the phone, lie to him, and go do it anyways, I said "You're right"...
Temptations in life are always there and I am thankful that I have someone to lead me through this journey, and lying to him would have been lying to myself.So I had my usual salad, instead.
As long as you are truthful to those around you, you can always be truthful to yourself. Being strong and dedicated to this recovery is tough sometimes, I just know that I want this cancer cured,and the only way that I know how to make this happen is to be honest, dedicated, and never allow my wants to over rule my needs. I wanted that cheese dip but I didn't need it.
I want this disease out of my body, and as I pray to God every night to save my life, I also tell him, what a amazing leader for him I will be, because I know that he can and will heal me.
I have some awesome fund raising things going on, I designed a
T-shirt, that I thought would be cute, I drew a simple little sketch, and put it on Facebook. The next thing I know my friend Mimi, had contacted a friend of her's that owns his own printing company, she had sent him the sketch, and asked him to design what I wanted, and ordered 200 shirts, and would not let me pay a dime. They will be ready next week and I can not wait to get my hands on them. They will be for sale through my Paypal account, and all funds for the shirts will be used in helping me to pay for my alternative treatments. It's expensive and I thought that selling these T-shirts would be a great way to help me in making this full recovery more financially manageable. The shirts are $10.00 and I hope that I see these shirts bought and sold all over the country. I want people to know I am fighting for my life, I want the shirts to mean something to the person wearing them, that they know and will spread the message of not only my journey with this horrible disease but will make more people less afraid to reach out in their own journey's of uncertainty in life. My friend Mimi has also set up a go fund me account, if you would like to make donations. Please do not feel obligated to do so, I think it's a great way to give as little or as much as you want to give. I feel funny doing it, but I won't lie the treatments are expensive and I really could use the help.. Here is the link to donate if you wish....http://www.gofundme.com/7ptw48....I said in the beginning of writing my blogs that "cancer" isn't something to be ashamed of, it's nothing any of us can control, and we never asked for this, we are only asking for love, comfort, and a cure.
Thank you all for continuing to follow my journey, spread my message of a cure, and my hope to help someone else facing their own fears and uncertainty. Life is very short, and you have no idea what tomorrow will bring, Just know that hope, faith, comfort, and prayer is sometimes all you need to get you through some of the most difficult days you will face.
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