Blog #12 "Chemo"

Another day gone by...... and finally.... within one  month to the day  of this disease entering my life, I have answers. I have a plan of attack, and yet, I sit here thinking of how taking chemo is going to change all the things in my life, most importantly spring break for my little daughter  within the next couple of weeks. I have to plan my life around my chemo treatments, and I have so many questions and yet, no one can tell me really how my body with react to the treatment until I get the treatment and figure it out on my own.

 It's scary. I don't want to sit in a room full of other people that are sick, and yet I know me, I will find comfort in sharing our stories in fighting this disease as these chemical go into our  bodies  and tries it's best to fight this monster inside of us all . 

Sometimes, I want to scream, I want to be mad at someone, I want to know that through all this I will endure ...that I come out on the other side of cancer being okay and well. The unknown is the hardest part.

I could dwell on my feelings, because honestly I have that right, I have earned that right as a cancer patient. But, as a strong and determined woman, I can not allow this to be who I am. I will not give this horrid disease all of me there is to be in this world, just because it's there and I have to get treatment to rid it of my body. 

The cruelty of this disease and the things you must endure to rid it.... isn't fun. No one wants to be sick, no one wants cancer, and it is always a fear that each and every one of us has in our lives, and here I am a cancer patient about to face the unknown treatment and I hate it. 

I want this nightmare to end. I want to be well. I want to know that without a shadow of a doubt these chemicals they are going to be putting  into my body will work! There is no guarantee, so I have to have faith and believe in the healing I need to survive my life that I have so much left to do and live for. My life means something, not only to me but to many people that love me. As all patients we are special and we want to feel and be treated that way. 

There are so many things that I want to do, and I want to accomplish. I just know that cancer, is my set back, it's just a bump in the road to how fast and furious I can get to where I am going. 

Being strong is hard sometimes. I had to be strong to get the answers I needed, now I have them and know which direction I am heading in and it scares me. It should scare me. I can not imagine one person that has faced cancer and chemo treatments not being a little scared. 

The first day of treatment is two weeks from today. I will get treatment for 2 hours on Friday's for 2 weeks in a row and then I am off for a week. Then I repeat that 2 more times and back to Houston for another scan to see how the chemo is working with shrinking my cancer. 

Most people would not appreciate the word "Manage" when it comes to their cancer, because as cancer patients I would think the best and only news we want to hear is "curable" I know that curable isn't an option in my case, so manageable is good enough for me. I want to live!~  

The best news through this journey is that my cancer is contained to my liver, it is not in my bones as the pet scan had indicated and the doctor, assured me it was bone cancer from Atlanta. (Second and Third opinions should be mandatory in every cancer patients journey, for this reason alone.)  Before, I was told that I would not be a candidate for a transplant because the cancer was not contained in my liver, now this information changes the whole ball game for me, I will now be a candidate if need be. The doctor told me yesterday with it not being in my bones that I have 100% better prognosis. I wanted to cry and yet all I could really do was sit there with a smile on my face and a huge burden taken off my shoulders.  I feel good, I am scared and I wanted that to be known. I am not some super hero woman that I can handle any and everything without fear and concern. I am a mother, a sister, a friend, a girlfriend, I am someone that wants to make it through this journey and when I reach the other side I will find the pot of gold under the rainbow  I plan to always be following in this scary journey of managing my disease. All we have is our hope and faith to keep us going, and I will not falter from believing that I will make it through this not only stronger, but a much better person in the end. 

This journey has taught me so much. Made me think about things I had never thought about before and as scared as I am .... I am more determined than ever to kick cancers ass, and making a statement of hope, faith, and courage along this journey I travel.  I hope that I can help other people. I know some people wonder why I would want to help other people because honestly no one in the world deserves to have cancer and no one in the world deserves to feel shame, sorrow, or even loneliness from this or any other disease. The world isn't always a nice place. There are some really mean people in this world, and as much as that makes me sad, it enlightens me to even be a better person!