I honestly never really gave any thought.to what that meant...It always happened to other people, never in my inner circle... and I thought no more than (oh no) to what cancer meant in someones life.
I will live with the worry of having this disease inside of me, for the rest of my life. Even if the miracle I am expecting to happen, I will always be wondering if it has come back and if it has spread. I see my life flashing before my eyes every single day, and it's painful. I am tired of hearing about how I need to have a good and positive attitude, because honestly, I am doing the best I possibly can under the circumstances. I have become this person that is fighting a disease and I am not the happy go lucky person I once was. I wonder if I ever will be that person again? I hope so, but at this moment I am not sure.
When something like this happens it turns your whole world upside down, it takes your heart and soul to the core of pain that you have never known before and it's almost as if cancer is able to attack you mentally, emotionally, and physically. I know every one says "Keep positive" Well let me tell you this, you try waking up every single day of your life and fighting for another day of life and I can promise you that you will have those down moments, and if you say you wouldn't or you don't .. I call "BULLSHIT"!
I didn't start writing this blog to sugar coat and spread rainbows and unicorns all over the Internet, I started this blog to spread the experience, the good and bad days and the truth! And don't we all know how much the TRUTH hurts sometimes?
I am realistic, and in being so, I know that I am fighting as hard as I can, but the pain of a shot I get once a week, the nights I wake up with severe headaches, the desire to eat piazza, steaks, candy, bread, and drink a good ole cup of coffee (like I have for the last 20 years of my life) I start missing the old me. I miss things. When I begin missing them, I get upset. I am normal. I know that most people could not do what I am having to do. I am so sick and tired of veggies, salad, and fruit, but I have no other choice then to get my body as healthy and clean as I can. I have no idea what the future holds for me, none of us do, but most of you don't walk around every day fearing for your life the way that I do. I am so stressed out, so worried, and my mind just will not back off, as much as I try. I fight off the fears I face and sometimes they come and slap me so hard across the face that I have no choice but to melt down and cry.
My choices were limited from the start of this disease. I am at stage 4 and yet I feel good. I think the biggest problem I have is .. How can I be so sick, and I don't feel it or believe it? I don't want cancer. I don't want to die. I don't want to leave the people I love and yet traditional medicine has no cure for the cancer I have. I want to scream. I want to know what I did to get this disease. I want answers. If I had the answers then just maybe I could resolve this in my mind. What has sucked the most is getting different answers from every single doctor I have seen. The only thing the traditional medicine doctors have agreed upon is that "I can not be cured" How heartbreaking is that?
I know there are a lot worse off people then me right now, and I pray for them too. I just deserve to try and understand what is happening to me. My whole life I have always put everyone else before myself. I would go without anything I needed to give to someone else, and I want my turn. I want to be healed. I want this cancer to just be gone at my next oncologist appointment. I want to be normal ... Well, as normal as I once was again.LOL
This could be any one's reality at any time. I had no idea on 2/6/2014 that a visit to the ER would change my entire life in those moments of trying to figure out why I had a pain in my side. Cancer is a lonely disease. It's one that plays with your mind, one that controls your thoughts even as hard as you try and fight those fears off, they are there. They are more obvious on the days you get your blood taken, you go for new test and procedures . This kind of fear, no one deserves.
The good thing about this all, I am doing the alternative treatments. I don't really feel bad, besides a little nausea sometimes and a headache here and there. I have a very caring and kind person taking care of my medical needs and making sure I am getting what I need. Everyone in his office is amazing. I have faith in them doing everything they can to heal me, and yet the fear of this monster inside me being stronger than what we have in store for it, makes me afraid. But, I go 3 days a week, I take my supplements twice a day, drink my water 3 times a day, and try to rest as much as I can. My sleeping schedule has gotten better, I don't wake up every single night in the middle of the night (wide wake) like I use too. Now, I sleep almost the whole night through. Except for last night with the headache, of course. The mind is a mystery and I think it controls so much more of our body and spirit than we give it credit for must days! I am a fighter, and I will not go down without the best and strongest fight I have inside me. I am fighting every day. I am determined to hear "CANCER FREE" but along that journey I will be afraid and discouraged at times. We all get discouraged we all sometimes second guess ourselves with any decisions in life. Life isn't easy. It's like if you take the road to the right, sometimes as if you should have gone left. There is no way of knowing how things are going to turn out in life without going through the experiences. We all hope to always make the right choices, but because we are human and can not see into the future with our crystal balls, it's never a guarantee how thing will turn out. Most of our lives whether it's in medicine treatments, marriages, friendship, or just driving down the road, we have to put our faith in other people. Some will let us down, some will be the best friends we could have ever asked for, and some will break our hearts, but we have to keep putting our faith in other people out there to have the things we need for our lives. No one can live in this world all alone, and we all need relationships in one sense or another.
I want you all to know that it's scary. I face my fears every day when I get up, go to work, get my treatments, and do my every day things in life, I have to do. I am not the same person and when the treatments are over and I am on the other side of this I am hoping that through all of this pain and suffering I have done and gone through, I will be better and stronger than I ever was the day before I was diagnosed.
I got a call from a friend the other morning, she was crying so hard that I began to cry not knowing what she was even saying to me, When she was able to speak she told me a a friend of ours son had passed away. I felt horrible pain, I had not seen this young man since he was a little kid, and the thought of the pain that this friend is going through has really taken my heart and soul to a very painful place over the last couple of days. I only real person close to me that died was my mama, and I remember the day like it was yesterday, the pain I felt just about killed me, and I can not imagine losing a child. My heart breaks for her and I hope that through the next several days ahead she faces, she knows that there are people in the wings loving and praying for her. I hope that each of you will pray for my friend Missy Westgate as well. She needs all the strength any of us can give to her and her family right now!
Life is no guarantee of tomorrow. I even if you are facing some of the things I am facing. Do your best to be strong and have faith that everything will turn out okay,. That's what I do. I give my life my all, and sometimes my all is mentally and emotionally painful, but I can never give up, and no of you should ever give up in your own journey. Life is full of miracles and surprises, the baddest of days can turn into the most glorious of them too. Be strong in what you believe, what you are working for in your own life, and know it's okay to be afraid, it's normal, but in those moments of fears and uncertainty in life know that there are people that love and will support you through the storms of life. I want the world to know I'm a weak and incredibly strong person that has been determined to fight for her life, love her family and friends, and to do the best she can with every single day that she is given. That is all anyone can ask of me and can even ask of you. I don't talk about my kids on my blog every much because it's painful, I want this journey to be about me and I keep most of this stuff from them. I don't want my little 6 year old daughter fearing for my life as much as I do! She knows I am sick and all I tell her is I am getting better every day! That's all a small child needs to know and especially now, if the time were to come that I should have to explain more to her, I will.
Don't cry for me ... Pray for me... Because prayers are stronger than any man/woman could ever be.!
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