I have a plan, every one of us has brought their "Team Christy" shirts and I want this picture of us all together. I don't care if we all are getting poured on, this picture has to be taken. I wish Sam and Lanbug, (my daughter and grandson) could have came with us too. But, Sam started a new job a few months ago and there was no way she could take off work. Hopefully next time, they can.
Last night my niece, Georgia and nephew Jimbo, were full of questions about my cancer. They are twins, and almost 8 years old. I can still remember the day they were born, I waited for those babies to get here for so long, and I have loved them every single second of their lives. They are the sweetest little kids. Georgia was standing there when I was taking out all my pills from their bottles, that I had take before I went to bed last night. She looked so surprised at how many I had to take. She looked at me and said "Christy, you have liver cancer right?" With a huge tears in my eyes I said "Yes, Georgia I have liver cancer" She then said "You think positive Christy, and it is going to be just fine" I smiled. Then my nephew Jimbo chimed in "Christy, who was the first person with cancer? Why did they have to make cancer? Does God have cancer?" I didn't really have the answers to give him, I didn't want to make up a lie to make these young sweet kids feel better. So, I asked my sister to answer them instead ...She said, she didn't know. She just knows it's a bad disease.
I told Georgia, make sure to always love and take care of your mama, she sat there a second, she knew what that meant, even at 8 years old she is afraid that I am going to die. She said "Christy, I don't know what I would do, if you weren't here, because life really won't be worth living without you here" Those words broke my heart into a million pieces, just as it is in this moment. I have always been there, every birthday, fourth of July, Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving. I have always been there for them and the thought of them celebrating without me breaks my heart. I want to live .. God knows I want to live. I never want to hurt the people that love me, and unfortunately we don't get that choice to make. That is one of the things that sucks the most about life, this isn't just about me, this is more about all these people that love me, and I hate the thought of them hurting. I hate it so much, every time I think of it I cry! I can not help myself.
What more can I do ...to prove how much, I am worth the rest of my life? How can anything happen to me when so many people need me, and love me? Sometimes, I get so angry, I want to scream at the top of my lungs and beg God to let me live. The hard part about this whole thing is the UNKNOWN....
I hate the unknown, I hate waiting. I was never good with surprises, never liked them one little bit. And now I don't control my future. I don't know where the future leads me. I just know I am fighting for my life. I am doing all the things I am told to do.My whole life has been turned upside down and I can not do anything but move full force ahead. I've known I have cancer,for 2 months and 2 days and in my mind and heart it feels so much more like 10 years. There are no words to tell you how much I hurt for the people that love me.
I decided while I was here on vacation, I was going to take the time to write every one in my family a letter. I must admit it is so much harder than I thought it would be. I sat down the first night and got through page three to my brother, and I just couldn't write another sentence. It's not something I want to do, but it is something I have to do. I want to say all the things in those letters that I might not get the chance to say one day. I love my family and I want them to know ultimately that the choices I have made in my treatment for cancer, have been mine. I want them to know hand in hand we have fought the hardest battle. This isn't something I have or ever will go through alone, my family and close friends have been with me every step of this horrible journey. My brother and sister do their best not to show me their pain, they don't have to, I see it on their faces. I just want them to be happy. I want and need them to understand life isn't going to end when my life ends. I know that they have to go one for all these kids ...for the lives that we each have created. These letters I am writing, I hope will help them through their pain, the chance to read my words, and be able to feel my heart all around them anytime they feel down, or just need to feel some comfort from me. I am hoping and praying to God every day that they are never given these letters. Because that means I will beat this monster. I want that more than anything I have ever wanted in my life. I am going next week to seal them in bottle's ... Messages in a bottle that they can take out and put back in where they will forever remain safe and secure from the world, for only their eyes to read.
Life is tough, the one certainty of life, is death. Never forget that! Life can be so unfair sometimes. So cruel, and yet, through life and happiness and the years that go by and every thing seems perfect, be grateful for those times in life that are the best. The best are always yet to come, there are cloudy days, and there are the brightest days, it's what you do with each of those days that really matter. Cloudy days are the days we are challenged in our strength and faith in life. We are always challenged and most people feel that when the clouds come it's the end of the world, it's not it's time to refocus, regroup and get into change mode ...
I have a good life. I know that I have been given opportunities in my life that most could only wish for. I have had a GREAT life so far, and I believe that I can beat this stupid cancer, I just need all of your love, support, strength,and prayers.I never dreamed in a million years, this would be my life, but it is.
I am dealing with this the very best I can, sometimes I cry, sometimes I am afraid, and sometimes I know without a shadow of a doubt that I can beat this. My emotions run all over the place, on a daily basis, and I know every one says for me to be positive. How much more positive can I be with a traditional medicine diagnosis of death? I am not believing that, I just wish I knew how long of a life I had left to live? I could sit around and worry about that all day long, I fight that fear and I live, I live every day! I hug my sweet Evan Raine, every day as much as I can, I do my treatments, I work, and I try my best to fight off my fears. You can't expect a miracle from someone that is fighting of their life as much as I am. I am honest about things, I don't put on this face to the outside world, and live deep within myself afraid,I am just me, honest, caring, and always sharing my story. I want my girls and family to know how much I have fought to be here to be with them. It's not easy. It's not an easy thing not knowing from test to test where this cancer is leading itself, in the right or wrong direction. It's always the most frightening days when my blood work comes back and the doctor sits down with me and explains where things are looking on my cancer markers.
Today...is going to be a good day,rain or shine, the beach, my family and the spending time and making memories with the people I love with all my heart and soul. It's going to be a day full of memories, and I can't wait for the day to begin when everyone gets up and we get going !
Know that I am good, I still feel really really good, I am not sick, I am not anything but a woman that is fighting for her life with every single pill and treatment that I take. I am not going down without a fight and know that even though this is the hardest fight that I have to fight, I am winning. I will win regardless because I have given it my all, I have fought the battle of my life, and whether I come out one side or the other, I hope that I give comfort to someone else facing the same thing and give them the strength to do what they have to do to make it through this, themselves.
Be strong in whom you are. Believe that you can do anything, and endless possibilities are all around you.
Don't cry for me... Pray for me.I want my girls and family to always know that I have given my all to this obstacle and I never want them to second guess what they could have done for me. That have loved me unconditionally. When I first was told I had cancer, I had the doctor in the ER call my brother, because I just couldn't tell him. It hurt me so bad and I knew the pain those words would cause him. After the doctor handed me the phone back he said "I could not understand your brother" I knew why, his heart was broken as was mine. When I got back on the phone he said he would call me back. He had to get his composure I knew that before he talked to me. He called back in a few minutes and said "You are my best friend,I can't lose you. You are the best person I have ever known in my entire life" That made the pain worse but my heart melted because those are words that would make anyone feel special and loved. I felt the knife go through my heart that day and as soon as I left the hospital my family rallied around me and they have been my rocks through this journey. I have not always made the right choices, but God made the right choices for me to have the best brother and sister in the world. I am a LUCKY woman~ !!!
No comments:
Post a Comment