On this journey... I have met some of the most amazing people. The people that can never possibly know how much their love, support, prayers, and friendship's means to me. I have been lifted up by people more times than I care to count. I've cried, laughed, and prayed with people from all over the world that believe in me and my cure!
Believe that without a doubt that I can make it through this .. That I can over come liver cancer, that I can come out the other side of this disease and be a happy person once again.
Cancer is no joke. The words that no one ever wants to hear, they still yell through my mind every single day. 2 months and 8 days later. I cry, my family cries. We cry for the unknown, not because we are not positive about this disease being taken out of my life, but the unknown my friend is the scariest thing in the world. So many people tell me I have to be positive, let me give you my cancer, and let me then tell you to be positive. It's that whole shoe on the other foot thing, that doesn't feel like you thought it might feel.
I was hoping my cancer markers were back today, no such luck. The blood work had not come back yet. I spent most of the weekend anxious to see the numbers today and when I got there and they weren't back, I was disappointed. To live by your blood work stinks, I hate worrying about whether or not they are going down, I wish like hell I never had this crap. I hate it with all the passion in my heart and soul. I hate fighting for my life. I hate the unknown. I hate the way cancer changes your life. It completely turns it upside down and makes every thing you once thought you knew, seem like a distant memory of happier days.
I know one thing. I am stronger than I thought I was, and better than I ever knew I could be. My dedication to myself is beyond what I could have ever given myself credit for. I changed to save my life, and not looked back one single time. Throughout the last 2 months I have been on this strict diet, I had already told everyone, Easter is my cheat day. I am going to eat whatever I want to eat and I am not going to feel bad. This Sunday is Easter, and I am not going to eat what I want to eat, I am going to eat what I need to eat to save my life. It's not about a day of what will satisfy me, it's about the LONG run, it's about my daughters 16th birthday (and she is almost 6 now). It's about all the tomorrow's and the days after tomorrow that matter to me, not Honey Baked Ham, and potato salad. I want to live. I have dedicated myself to my health. I am working hard at it, and giving it my all!
I know the person I am. I am good with the life that I have lived, the way I have treated people, don't get me wrong I have hurt some people in my life, but I have made my amends for that, sometimes, it's too late to take back and change the damage we have done, but if you are sorry, that is all you are left to face with, you can not deal with the damage of someone else.
My life has not always been easy. Nothing has really come easy for me, I have worked for every thing I have. I am stronger for it. My mama taught me to stand on my own two feet, she did not have the money to spoil us, didn't have the money to send us to college, to give us the opportunities that most kids get in life, and you know what, I turned out pretty damn good, if I say so myself. All the strength in life has lead me to this disease to battle and I am holding my head high, sharing my journey, and not pretending any thing about my life, I live the truth. That is all any of us can expect of ourselves as well as others to do.
I would do anything to rid my body of this disease .. To wake from this nightmare and be a new person. But right now I am wide awake, and I am facing the unknown, it seems like this black hole of uncertainty that I face, and the longer I travel this journey the stronger I am becoming. I have no choice but to accept my fate in life, none of us do. I just know that I want my life to mean something, not only to my kids, family, and close friends, but to people that live life and need a reason to believe and a reason to hope that things get better. Things always get better, they may not stay that way long, but it's the journey of life we travel and all face at certain points in all our lives. Tomorrow... may never come for me, or for any of us. Tomorrow isn't something you should count on, and when I get into my moments of being down that is the one thing that truly reminds me to live in the moment and to appreciate what I have instead of what I might not have later in life.
I fight this battle that I can't see, don't use my arms, legs, or feet, I just use my mind, to overcome the realization of the uncertainty. I have bad days, really bad days but the one thing I don't do is give up, I have not once spent a day in bed hiding under the covers ... I have gotten up every single day worked, and done what I have to do to live my life, to keep some sense of normalcy to this new un-normal life I have.
I had someone hurt me deeply today, a pain that was sharper, harder, and deeper than it would have if I wasn't fighting for my life every single day. And you know I am good with it .. I closed a chapter that had been written, rewritten, whited out, and played for make believe for many years. I gave it my tears, as I made my decision that my life is more important to me than it was to that person. That's a realty check, for sure. I feel good, and I will not look back, I spent way to many years overlooking and pretending. Done!
So let me end with saying, every story has an ending... and every new story has a brand new beginning!
Thank you are for reading, sharing, and praying for me. I feel great still, I am getting better every day and other than my fears of the unknown, I know I am beating this monster, called cancer, every day!
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