Blog # 89.... "You can't eat the whole elephant... Or can you?"

April 30, 2015

Things have a bit crazy with me  ....I've had a rough week. I had a pain patch for back pain that  mixed with my pain pills and the side effects from chemo.... seriously knocked me down this past weekend and most of the week. I am starting to feel better. I feel like I was a trapped animal digging my way through the dirt back up into a sunny day! I am beginning to see the light again and Lord does it feel good! 

I am scheduled to see Dr. Kooby tomorrow at Emory. I am looking forward to that meeting, I don't really know what to expect or what options he may have available for me but if Dr. Chamsuddin trust him than I trust him. I hope that he can give me more information about the clinical trial Dr. Chamsuddin told me about. I am sure he will.  I have anxiety every time I go and meet someone new in this journey. Don't ask me why... I seriously have no clue. I want and and am hoping for a cure. I am hoping that the pet scan sometime at the end of May shows no no active cancer in my body, that's all many of us can ever hope for!  It will be a glorious day if that is what happens. My article came out in the newspaper about my insurance companies and them not making payments on all the bills that are due from not paying Newton Medical Center. The process seems to be half way working... I am not sure what the problem is but my frustration with Humana still continues and Coventry One is a joke they denied everything and refused to make a statement about why. Here is the article for your enjoyment of reading

 I decided to put off the MRI on my back that was ordered last week due to my incredible  back pain...at least until I get back from Mexico. I didn't ask my oncologist office to run a cancer marker this week as I normally would... I leave for Mexico in 8 8 8 8 8 8 wondrous days and to be honest.... I just don't want any news on my cancer before I get back from this trip that could potentially upset me.. I want to go on this trip and give myself the vacation I so deserve and not have to think about cancer anymore than I have to! I remember several years ago I was in The Keys with my friend Carla and I met a guy that was there with his friends and family I think from CT he was telling me about his cancer. How there was no cure but that he had no given up hope on a recovery. That he had 1 child, had always been a great husband, father, friend, and that he worked hard all of his life and now that he was at a place to enjoy life he was sick and how all he ever could ask for is the chance to see his daughter fall in love and get married and have her own child. He asked me if he was asking to much? I told him "No" I understood.

 I met him on a little beach island and connected with a perfect stranger in his own time of need to have someone to talk to and understand where he was coming from. I didn't really understand at the time. I could not have understood, even though at the time I was sick myself I had no idea that I was. I have thought of him many time. I have thought about the things he said and the things he wanted in his life. He said "You can't eat the whole Elephant can you?" What he meant was you can't have it all. Can you have it all... Is it when things get as good as you think they can get one of the wheels falls off? How fair is that? I didn't get his name... I didn't get his email... I didn't get his number but in our 10 minutes sitting on a beach as perfect strangers we connected in a way that now I understand more than I ever could have before. I have written an inspirational novel and I wrote that story in that book and I also wrote a blog on my single mom blog about it. I hope that stranger on the beach is still living and fighting I hope his daughter has found love and I hope that every wish for all that he had done good in his life has come true.  

Here is the Chapter from my book and blog post I made:

You can't eat the whole elephant or can you?

While in  The Keys several months ago, I met a man on the beach we were staying at. A conversation that lasted no more than ten minutes that left a huge question in my mind... Can you eat the whole elephant? 

This is a chapter from my second book, in the stage of being completed for publishing and wanted to share this story with everyone that reads my blogs and has interest in seeing things through the eyes of stranger that may give you something to think about and truly consider in your own life. ......

Chapter 19

You can’t eat the whole elephant

Or can you?

  

Is there such a thing as being in the right place at the right moment in life? It’s funny, but in my own life I find myself put in certain places in life that I just feel I am suppose to be at in that moment.  Whether or not we are lead to be there at that very moment or not sometimes isn’t even the real question or concern as why you are there it’s the encounter that truly matters anyways.  I often wonder in those situations if I need them or is it that they are needing me? Personally, I take the time to meet strangers. To listen to what they have to offer to tell me about themselves and their lives, so that I may learn something new about them and even maybe myself too.  People always love to tell you about themselves, and it’s whether or not you are interested in listening.

The title of this chapter came from a man I met only once, on a beach in the Florida Keys. A simple encounter asking this stranger to help a friend’s son with threading his fishing pole. As my friends son had been inside the condo we were staying at for about two hours trying to get it done, I offered my assistance, which honestly wasn’t much assistance as I have never done it before myself.  So, I merely went outside to the beach and asked a stranger for help and of course he was glad to help. I told him I would go and get the boy and have him bring the fishing pole outside. Upon returning to get the boy, he was so frustrated and still determined to figure it out on his own, (with the sun rapidly fading into the sunset, in which cut into his fishing light) he didn’t want the strangers help.  With my tail between my legs, I went out and thanked the stranger and told him the boy was determined to do it on his own. We struck up a conversation after my apologizes and I was so glad we did. This stranger asked me what I did for a living; I told him and advised that I was also a writer. He seemed impressed. Our conversation instantly turned to children and I told him I had two daughters, and a grandson. He instantly said “You have what I want” I thought about that for a minute and asked him what he meant. He simply said “I have been a good person my whole life, I worked hard all my life and the one thing I want to be able to see is my daughter have my grandchild one day, I deserve that much out of life” Those words stopped me dead in my tracks as he continued on to tell me  that he has a rare form of cancer and it has spread from prostate cancer to in his blood now” That he is there on vacation as a break from the treatment and at this point in his treatment he was at the end of the road of ways to save his life, just maintain his life for as long as they possibly can ! ” I fought back at many of the tears as I could. I shared this moment of talking with this stranger to wonder why life happens the way that it does sometimes. Why does it have to be so dang hard on people? Why did he get to the times of his life that he could sit back and enjoy all the sacrifices he made in life to have it end with a horrid disease? 

I told this stranger that I write to give hope to people that feel that they have no hope left in their lives. I write to maybe make some difference in the life of a stranger or friend one day. I told him he had to keep the faith and fight the battle no matter how tired he gets, and discouraged, turning into encouragement with each treatment he is given. As all hope is never lost until there is no hope left for anything to give you.  I told him that he is still living now and he has to continue to live and by going on vacation and truly enjoying himself is inspirational.

When life is at its worst moments such as these times for this stranger, you can always still be full of hope if you chose to be. It’s whether or not you allow hope to shine through in your life during these kinds of tough times. Always keep hope alive in your heart and soul and who knows what may ever happen.

As for the stranger I met, he told me he was so worried about dying that he can’t even live the life that he has left to live, I hope that I inspired him a little that day and that he found some form of new hope in his life from a ten minute conversation with a stranger that spent my time encouraging him to live his life, as hard as it may be at times, because in these moments he has left he is a living and has the ability to live. I told him everything is all in the attitude and your attitude can make all the difference in the world. It can for all of us.  The stranger asked me before he left the beach that day “Can you really have it all?”  Then he said “You can never eat the whole elephant, or Can you?” I told him I was going to put this in my book, somehow and I thought how awesome it really would be to tell the story of meeting a stranger and sharing a moment with someone that needed a friend that day, just as much as I did for different reasons.  So, for this stranger I will never see again in this lifetime of mine, you gave me a story to share with the world, that maybe that can determine in their own lives whether you can eat the whole elephant or not! A chance encounter with a complete stranger gave me inspiration and hope that day. A moment shared with someone that I will never see again, but I am left thinking about and hoping for only the positive outcome of his cancer treatment and hoping that all the days of his life he has left to live, he will learn again to enjoy them as we are never guaranteed tomorrow, any of us, but we have to live our lives for the moments we have not the moments we are anticipating to come, because no one knows their real last moments here to enjoy so why not truly enjoy them all regardless of any circumstances we are faced with in life?

I hope that my story will touch your heart. Make you see the goodness in meeting a stranger and to understand that you will never know what you can learn in life just by listening and being open to taking time to hear someone else speak. I hope you all have a good week I am looking forward to going to Emory tomorrow to meet Dr. Kooby and I will be posting on anything exciting that may develop but for now it's all about me rebouding into feeling good and getting my body, mind, and spirit ready for 6 complete days of sunshine and paradise that I have earned every single second of !!

Don't Cry for me...Pray for me! 

Blog #81 HOPE & CERTAINTY.... THEY GO HAND IN HAND.....

I'm finally feeling better. The last procedure took a lot out of me.  On top of that... I got that winter crud... with the sore throat and cough, I guess  I caught from my little daughter, Evan. She was sick the week before. Regardless of what I am going through.... I am still a mama and I am going to take care  my little one when she is sick, I take the risk of getting myself sick but that's what a mama does. Isn't it? Healthy or not?


Things are going good with me. I had a great month selling insurance despite the fact that I have not been feeling really good the whole month. I wrote 29 new policies for the month.... I am thrilled. It makes me feel good to save people money and for them to put their trust in me as their agent. I seem to wear so many hats these days I am a  mama, sister, grandma, insurance agent, and cancer patient. I juggle life these days and try my best to keep things going smooth and on the right track for all my obligations! It get's overwhelming at times but that's nothing new life was certainly overwhelming even before finding out I was sick.

The days I don't feel that good and I am home I seem to work harder and more on those days. Seems odd that it would be that way but it's just how the business goes.... I suppose. Things are always crazy in my life there is always so much to do and so much that I can't allow to sit and be left undone (except for my laundry...which I hate doing)

 I have my pet scan scheduled for  March 13th... Each time the closer to the date I get, the more anxious I am becoming. I hate waiting but to make sure we get the correct results from the procedure there is a timing to the waiting madness.  I am praying day & night that the scan is clear. I hope that there is not another thing lighting up on the scan, but in case there is... like every time before I am willing and ready to go back in and get at it again. I would prefer not to have another ablation but regardless of what I prefer ....if I have to do it I will. I want my life back. I want to know that I have no more cancer in my body... no matter how big it once was to how small it is now. Cancer is cancer and no matter the size I hate it. I am not willing to allow it to invade my body anymore than it already has!

The pet scan is not bad really. The worse part for me is when they put in the sugar shot into my IV and then I have to sit and rest for an hour before I can have the scan done. Going into the room to have the pet scan isn't bad,  They lay you on this little table with all of your clothes on. Which is so weird to me , I would have thought you would at least have to change into a hospital gown but that isn't the case at all. I get a little anxious at first when they push you through the tubing to get each portion of your body done on the scan. You lay on this tiny table with your arms laying up above your head and you have to be completely still for about 20-30 minutes. If you are claustrophobic it might be a little more difficult for you to have a pet scan done. There are things your doctor can do about your anxiety ask if you think you will ever have one of these and if you think you might need something to take the edge off.

Anything new and uncertain scares us. I think I get the "PRO" title when it comes to all these cancer situations and test. I know that I don't like most of it anymore than the next person but I do it because I have to and because I have no other choice really.

Fighting cancer isn't for cowards. Don't you hear and see all these things saying "cancer warrior"? It's not easy to go through this. I think sometimes it has more of a mental effect than a physical. It's the word we all dread to hear under any circumstances with anyone in our family or friends circle.

I know the day I was diagnosed I couldn't believe what the doctor was saying.. Like I have said before this happened to other people. This could not be happening to me. I wasn't unhealthy, I never really got sick with colds or anything, I had energy, I was a mom with a small child for God's sake.. This could not be happening to me... It was and I had no control over what it was. I knew I had control over what it could be and therefore I made the choices I made along this journey. I wanted someone to come and take this all away from me. I wanted sometime to look me in the eyes and say "It's okay, you do this and you will live" no one said that to me. No one could. There was what I felt was no hope in my mind but my heart had all the hope in the world that I could and would make it through this horrible disease. I did everything you can even think of. I read stuff on the internet that was the magic cancer cure, that didn't work. I changed my diet, I scrambled across the country trying to find a way to save my life and everywhere I went there wasn't anymore hope than what I had been offered by Dr. Chamsuddin, my only hope... Y-90... Hope and Certainty were in my mind the same thing. I knew that hope had the only chance of my certainty of beating this disease.  I believed in the plan we had to attack this monster, and once we started the journey to beat it, I never looked back a second.. I just knew I was on the right track,,,, with the right doctor,,, and at the right place I was suppose to be at. I knew that and therefore there was no more searching for an answer for me and my life, I had found it.

It's not easy making choices ...choices that you have no idea what you might be facing but when you have no other choice and it's the only choice you have... there is no other way to go. I knew from day one that my obligation in this world could not be over. I have built my life the way I wanted in some way and other ways it had been molded from the decisions that I had made for my life choices. I look back now and wish I had gone to college and I know I would have made an incredible lawyer. I can argue my point like nobody's business, I can search and find out things that people have hidden so far and deep and think no one could ever find out.  Instead at 20 I had baby, I worked my butt off every day to provide her with her needs, and later on in life with all of her wants. I sacrificed so much of my family time for money and material things and thought those things were what would make her and I happy. A lesson that now.. I have learned better than to believe that. I was given a second chance at being a mama and I love my little girl. Don't get me wrong she can get on my last nerve and there have been times that I have had  to escort her out of my bedroom and lock the door but that's short lived. I still under the circumstances  have to be mama! I have really tried to keep my life as normal as possible. Not much other than chemo. hospital stay's and laying in bed more has changed. I am still working full time. Still trying to just be me.. a new and maybe in some ways an improved me.

I have people reaching out to me all of the time. Telling me that my fight and attitude has helped them in ways that I would never understand. People that were once strangers sharing with me their own life struggles and explaining the ways that I have helped them. Do you know how amazing that makes me feel? I just know that I fight because I want to . I want to live... I want to see my daughter and grandson grow up... I want to do so much more with my life than I have so far. I can't determine where all of this will lead me in my future but I know the future looks brighter and happier when you have been fighting for your life for it!

Yesterday,my Evan Raine walked into the room with this costume on and after the third video attempt we came up with this. I love her spirit and even going through this journey every step of the way with me I see the joy of life in her eyes and it makes me so happy... Cancer can not take the heart and soul of it's victim's if you don't allow it to. It's a choice and I chose happiness with my daughter. I hope you enjoy her video she is something very special. I started these video's recently because I wanted to have these for her and for myself for years to come. So we have our own youtube channel...

I hope that my story makes it to the heart of people that need to feel the strength of another persons will and desire to live that can in my own way give them "HOPE" for their own lives. Nothing is certain in life...  but..... there is more certainty in life if you have HOPE. ...

Blog #30... Rude people, God's Grace, and Strength beyond measure

 My blog picture today is my precious grandson, Landon Reid 
(aka Lanbug) last Friday night he got the  game ball at his baseball game. He is going to be a superstar, and I can't wait for him to play professional baseball and take good care of his old grandma!


Having cancer is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with, in my life. I can still remember the somber look on the ER Doctor's face when he told me the news. I can still remember the pain that hurt so deep, and yet in that moment I knew that I was in for the fight of my life. I had no idea where this journey was going to lead me, but I knew that I was going to beat this cancer.

Over the last several weeks, I have had some hard moments, those moments that I feared death. That I could not get my mind to wrap around the fact that I was sick, and much less could not be here to see my daughter and grandson grow up. The legacy of  my life are my two daughters and grandson. The people that I love and how they will emotionally suffer once I am gone. I spent so much time hurting for everyone else and the fears that come with this horrid disease. There wasn't a day that I did not cry, it was almost unbearable to talk about.  I have days I still get upset and now I am back on the mission of kicking this cancers ass and spreading my story to share the hope and joys of the life we have in the now, in this moment. 

I miss eating what I want, more than I could ever describe. I miss a glass of wine out with the girls on a Friday night. I miss so many things about how my life use to be. However, this is my new life. My new purpose. My new hearts desire to beat this, to spread the miracle of there is always hope and to be extremely honest with all of you about how I am feeling. I still fear dying, I will always carry some part of that fear with me, but my desire to live gets a little stronger with each day I fight this battle. I have no idea what is going to happen, I just believe that God, all of you, my family, and friends that pray for and believe in me every day has a huge part in my healing and my ability to fight this battle every single day. 

I met a mother yesterday, her daughter passed away 6 years ago from a very aggressive form of liver cancer. We sat and talked for an hour. We just shared our hearts and stories of what liver cancer means in each of our lives. The wisdom and courage she has amazed me. She is a beautiful person and her strength was something that made me feel so much better. The compassion from a stranger is something that totally melts my heart, her desire to take me on as a new friend and lend me her prayers and concern after all she personally has gone through is nothing less than amazing to me. I hope that she knows this and I can't truly wait to get to know her more. 

I go back to the oncologist tomorrow. I am not going to lie, I am afraid. I plan on hearing how great I am doing and then I have this "Traditional Medicine" fear that he might not agree this time. I should not allow myself to feel this way but honestly I can not seem to always control my mind these days, but honestly Who could?

Cancer has made me realize how precious life is.... How no matter how long we have in life we are not certain if there will even be a tomorrow. Every day that I wake up, I say "Thank You" because I am so grateful to be alive today, and every day that I have left to live. 

I look at myself in the mirror and the way my body has changed with eating healthy, and I see myself 35 pounds lighter and I look at my face that has less dark circle under my eyes, and I fit perfectly into clothes that I never dreamed I would wear again. I feel amazing. I run into people that say "You look better than I have seen you look in 10 years" I smile a huge smile. And then I run into other people that say "You have gotten to skinny. Your face looks sunk in and blah blah blah... I go back to that mirror and start questioning myself again 

It makes me angry that some people are just so stupid. First off, I never hear from those people, they never call to see how I am doing or even what I am doing. They are not the ones that know the fears I have with this disease and yet, somehow they feel entitled to voice their opinion about how I look. I just want to slap them, they make me question myself and it almost makes me want to never walk outside of my four walls so I don't have to deal with other people's opinion. Instead, I make excuses. I give them the reason and tell them I don't agree and then you know what I go home and cry. People are seriously very rude. Saying something mean to someone, does that make that person feel better about themselves? They shouldn't because honestly the people that have said it to me  should be on the same diet as me and they would look better themselves with a sunk in face instead of chubby cheeks. Just saying. I will not allow other people to get me down, they try their best. They are the devil working on me and in the long run they have their own insecurities. That is not my problem and I wake up another day, look in the mirror and I am happier with the way I look than I was the day before. I doubt they are! 


Having cancer for me isn't about just having cancer and trying to fight it, it is dealing with other people. Every one says you put yourself out there, and you should expect people to react. Well, I am not looking for pity in this disease when I share it, I expect and hope that people can find a compassion in their heart's for another human being and an understanding that really they can only really know if they were dealing with this themselves. A friend's brother was diagnosed last week and he said to me "I read every one of your blogs Christy and I  hurt for you then, but I had no idea how hurtful it was until it happened in my own family" It's very true, you will not understand this unless it happens to you to the extent of the pain it causes you and your family but I hope that through my journey I can share the good and bad days, the hurt and joy and to maybe, just maybe, make someone else's journey through this one day a little more comforting! I am happy. I feel good. I look good, I laugh a lot, I smile often. I get up with a mission of working, loving my kids and family, and beating cancer one day at a time. I get to see my daughter, Evan play softball and see the overwhelming joy on her face when she gets out on the field. I love to see her happy. I love that I can be who I am and that I will not allow cancer to take my soul and spirit. I believe that life has so much to be grateful for even in times that you are going through a hard time in life.I love meeting new people, and I enjoy all that life has to offer in a way that I never could have before now. I am humbled and grateful and appreciate each new day every new day! 



Life isn't fair, one day life is going along just fine and dandy and the next you are fighting for your life. I could as I always say, sit back and feel sorry for myself, but honestly, I am fighting way to hard to have be thinking Poor Pitiful Me... Right now, I am getting better, I feel it in my body! I feel it in my heart! If I could make my mind feel it 100% of the time then I would be PERFECT....

This is going to be a long journey, it is not and will not be a bed of roses but I know that I am loved, prayed for, cared about, and thought of often by so many people, friends and strangers alike! God hears our prayers and I know that I have just as great of a chance to me a miracle as anyone else. I am praying for and believing in God's Grace. 

Please continue to pray for me and my family. This road is bumpy and sometimes in the midst of the journey it is unbearable. I pray for strength for us all. I pray for God's Grace and I pray that I help one other person with this journey I travel. Thank you all for all the donations, cards, gifts and for being there for me with each new day! 

Don't cry for me....Pray for me!