Blog #60... What is right for you .. may not be right for anyone else.

I have learned a lot over these last 9 months. I have learned what is important and what truly isn't. I spent most of my life thinking one way.... to completely have my thoughts changed by a disease that could have taken my life. It's weird how something like cancer can make you see yourself and the world clearer than you probably ever would have. 

Today, I am thinking of Brittany Maynard. The controversy that is around her decision to chose to end her own life. I see so many negative comments. On one hand I  understand their feelings, as before getting sick... I would have felt the same way. I would have thought she was selfish and all those "What if's" because her life was not mine nor anyone else but her own choice to live or die the way she did....

You never know what it is like to be sick ...until you are sick! You can never know how it feels to be told that you have cancer and that it will take your life in a horrible way. There are no words that I... nor anyone else can say that can express how that feels. You can pretend someone says it to you ...but it's so different when it's a reality. I can not even begin to understand the fear and peace in those final moments she had in her life. To go with the grace and dignity that she so wanted is something amazing to me. With me having cancer my biggest fear and pain I feel is that my family would have to watch me suffer through the end of this disease. It's the most heartbreaking thing I think that could have ever happened in my life. It's not so much about me suffering it's the people that love and surround me that I would not want them to watch me in those final days that my life is just taken away from me little by little.

 I chose to fight for my life. I never allowed myself to believe that I would die. I couldn't because I have so much to live for, yet none of us are promised tomorrow, not now and not ever. As much as we all wish there was a way to have cured Brittany, there was no way, she was told that she had 6 months to live. To be told you are dying  is the worst feeling in the world ...until you are living in those moments of death. I don't know that I would have the strength that Brittany had, because I am a believer, I am one of those people that believe in miracles, they happen every day, look at me I am one of those miracles. I've cried for Brittany. A woman that I have never and never will meet, she gave me a lot of things to think about as she has done for so many. She chose the route that she wanted to take. She fought for what she believed in  and I can only imagine the horrible things that people have said to her, but at the end of what she felt was her life she made her choice, I personally admire and respect her decision. I wish she would not have had to make it, that she never had to take that medicine that took the last part of her life here on earth away from her, but her wish came true and that is what matters most ... Brittany died for her belief's, her purpose, her desire to die with dignity and grace. God Bless Brittany... You are a stranger to me but we had a common disease that bonded me to you..... 

We are all given the chance to make our own decisions in life and believe me your views and values change when you are facing a life threatening disease! Cancer is horrible, cancer isn't a disease that is an easy fix it's mentally as difficult as it is physically

I am still off the chemo and my appetite is better than it's been in months and months. I feel good a feeling that I have been longing to feel again for so long. I see that light at the end of the tunnel. I am looking forward to having another procedure next week. I am ready for Dr. Chamsuddin to finish what he has started, so that I can go on with my life. I can live the life I been giving a second chance at living. How many people are truly given a second chance at life? How many take that opportunity to do something that could help others? I don't think I will ever know the answer to that question but what I do know is... I think about all the things I am going to do when I hear those words that my pet scan is clear! I have some influence to make in some certain doctor's views. I want them to know that if I can survive they have a greater chance at helping their other patients survive as well.  I am living proof that  these treatments work. 

I've connected with some amazing people through fighting for my life. I have met people with cancer that I sit next to every Wednesday and we share our stories while we are there to get our chemo, the poison that is going into our bodies as we try and save our lives. We share something that I can not share with most people I know. We encourage one another, we asked questions, and we cheer one another on in our victories no matter how big or small they may be. My friend I usually sit next to is older than me, she is the sweetest person. She is there every other Wednesday from 8-4 getting chemo and sitting right there beside her is her husband, waiting to do whatever it is she might be needing. The other day I asked her "Do you rent him out?" She laughed, actually the whole room laughed. It's so  sweet to see them together so in love and happy... in what is probably the scariest time of their lives. Makes me jealous. You can not pretend to love someone, it's there and shining bright as a full moonlit night or it's not there at all. I love to see people so in love, these days it's rare, I must admit! 

Today, I see my oncologist again as a follow up. I have decided to go ahead and get chemo this week. I want this monster gone and I think the break I have had over the past several weeks has been good for me, it's built me back up and I am now ready to continue this journey and see it to the end of the CANCER FREE zone. I have come so far. I have given up my life over the last 9 months to get myself well and what's a few more months in the journey to be in remission of a disease that takes most people's lives?

I hope you are all having a great week and are finding ways to make yourself happier today then you were on yesterday! Happiness isn't something you go searching for.. Happiness come from within. Be happy in all that you do. Because it's one of the most important parts of life that most people seem never to find. I have another friend that has cancer, I spoke with his brother several times and he said "We are all at peace with this disease" That is a great way to be, I am not quite there yet, peace and cancer for me just can't be combined. Life is short so find the happiness in any thing and every single thing around you. I do my best to do that myself. 

Don't Cry For Me.... Pray For Me! 

Blog #43..... Onward and Outward with this Monster

It's been one of those days. The kind that takes your breath completely away from you with a phone call, that could ultimately change the course of everything as you are told the doctor needs you in his office right away, with no explanation. The news wasn't as bad as my heart hurt that it would be, it's a change of plans in treatment and having surgery not only this week but next as well.  I am okay with that, I just hope my poor body that has already been through so much in the last 60 days... will be. 

I am having another procedure Friday where the doctor will go in and burn off the one tumor in the middle of my liver, it's deep within the right and left side and very hard to treat. Then... on Wednesday next week, I will once again have the Y-90 where they go in through my artery in my leg and inject the radiation microscopic beads into my liver to get the last 10% of the tumors that are left on the right side of the liver.  I had the Y-90  for the first time May 22, 2014, it was tough but I survived. I just had the burning procedure 3 weeks ago, and that was rough, mainly because he burned 6 larger tumors, and luckily this time he is only going to be burning one, hopefully that will be a walk in the park procedure compared to last time. Keeping my fingers crossed. 

There is a lot being done to get this cancer out of my body, but my liver has held up incredibly well and with  no damage at all  to the function of my liver. In our meeting yesterday we talked about "What if's" that was a hard conversation to have, the "what if "... I had not had these procedures so far, the disease would be so much more progressed by now ...and I would be yellow and in liver failure. I had nothing but tumors all in my liver and now I have hardly any. It's the moment that you think "Thank God, I am alive" I look back as the road I have traveled to get me to this point and it's been a lot of searching and HUGE decisions that have had to be made, and ultimately I have had to make them myself. I am glad of the decisions, I probably would not be alive right now if I had not made these decisions. I am grateful to be alive, I really am. I never one second wanted to die, I feared death, and I am sure there are a lot of people that thought like I did at the beginning, if you have liver cancer, it's a death sentence. I'm so glad that it's not. 

It's not that I want to beat the odds to prove anything to anyone, I want to be the beat odds because I want to live, I want to see my daughter grow up. I want to have my life back. The last 6 months have been a whirlwind. A total whirlwind that has taken my life and shock it up completely. I will always be a cancer patient. I will probably never feel free of this disease. I hope that I am in remission, I hope that I am cancer free, I know that I am not far from the end of this journey and to stay on top of the disease making sure it hasn't come back and treating it if it does. I may fight this battle the rest of my life, or it could be that we kill all these tumors and I never face it ever again a day in my life, there is no telling what can/will happen.  So when I think about being rid of this disease I don't think of it that way! 

School starts back a week from Monday,  I am probably going to miss open house on the 8th, it makes me sad, but I would rather be done with this stupid cancer procedures and onto recovery for the rest of her life of open houses..... I have missed out on a lot these last 6 months. I have been either stuck home in bed sick, doctor appointments, or in the hospital. I hope that all changes really soon! That's one of the most painful  things about having these disease for me, is missing out on things with my Evan and Landon. I spend a lot of time trying to explain this to them both. They are so young and can't possibly understand... but I try. Evan and I have spent a lot of time in the past several months crying about me having cancer, now we just talk about how every day I am getting better and beating this monster inside of me.  

I have a great life, one that has been very challenged while trying  to beat this disease! But,  I think I have done a great job of managing my business part time with a full time responsibility. I have worked very hard as trying to maintain, build, and give my all to my health, family, and business as much as I possibly can. I had been told many times that I should hire someone to run my business but honestly..... I love working. The second I feel better after any of my procedures I am back at work, I may not be able to stay all day, I may not be able to do all the things I use, even  as fast as I could, but I have done my best and I have loved every second that I felt good enough to work in the office instead of laying in the bed sick answering calls.  The challenges are only temporary. I have had to remind myself of that over and over again. People (friends) get mad at me for being at work, it's who I am. I am an overachiever and I want to be successful not for anyone but myself and I love being an Insurance Agent. Believe me, I will be hitting you guys up for letting me quote your insurance in about another 60 days. I am allowing myself to get better and then I am full speed ahead.... as I always have been! 

A lot of people have said they would not have been as brave as I have through this, that they probably would have laid in the bed and cried and/or given up by now. You never know how strong and tough you are until you are forced to find the strength to keep going and keep fighting. This isn't easy but it's not as hard as you think it is, if you want to live and you are the one that has to fight to make that happen. We do what we are forced to do. We do what we have to do. And we do what we sometimes never expect ourselves to have to do. It's life. There are no exception to who this disease effects hopefully none of you will ever face this horrible disease but know if you do or someone that you love does, it is a battle and it is a fight for your life, and your life is certainly worth it all. 

Thank you all so much... please be praying for me and my family as the next several weeks are going to be tough on us all again but we have been down these roads before and this time there is so much less left to rid my body of and hoping that it makes it easier for me and my healing time and process. I appreciate all of you and know that I am so grateful to have all the love and support I do... Day in and day out every single day of this journey! 

DON'T CRY FOR ME.... PRAY FOR ME!!!