So many times I have been told ....I should not put my story out into the world. Because, sometimes it hurts for me to write the things that I don't even want to admit to myself. I wish I could be in denial of this disease. I wish that I didn't know that it could take my life. I wish that there was a cure and some magic wand that I could wave and no longer have cancer. I have been told several times not to proclaim my disease by name, if I don't call it cancer, I could change to "son of a bitch", but that is not politically correct to speak such a thing as a woman, so ....I call a spade a spade and this happens to just be cancer.
I've lived a life of working very hard, falling down and picking myself back up and starting over more than once. I hold no shame in my desire to provide a good life for my children, I can't take back the moments that I was needed more at home than at the office, but what I can do is to share with all of you the importance of having quality time with your friends, family, and especially your children. At the end of the day all that matters truly is the ones that you love. The memories that you make, and the things you do together. We never will look back on our final hour and think we should have worked harder, we will always think "We should have spent more time" I have that opportunity now in my life, and I plan to work from home this summer and to be with my Evan Raine and Landon every second I can, making memories, doing whatever it is that we want to do together. Money is important but now that I am sick I realize in the whole scheme of things it's one of the most least important things in our whole lives.
I have been taking the time this week to write letters for each birthday for my little Evan. I am writing about how much I want to be here for her birthday, and hopefully I will be, if not she will have something special from her mom to open on every birthday . A little something special in with the card. It is simply one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life. It hurts so deeply that I can't even tell you, but my hurt today will be some of the greatest blessings in her life for many years to come. So many times people have the best intentions thinking I will get around to that, they never do and then it becomes to late and then there is nothing, I am determined to not allow that to happen.
There are some things that have to be done. So many things that come along with preparing for the future, one that you may never see, and preparing for that is really hard. I am in that place, and believe it or not, I am finding a peace in making sure that I have things taken care of. as crazy as that sounds. I want to be prepared, honestly, we all should be prepared in our own lives. Make the time. Take the time to do the things that could mean the world to others if something should happen in your own lives.
A terminal illness is tough to absorb. I am fighting every way I can to fight this monster and I know in my heart that I am truly care for. The compassion and outpouring of love and support for me is simply AMAZING. I sometimes get overwhelmed. I am sure that I have hurt someone's feelings along the way because I didn't call, text, or message back, and I do apologize but this journey is about Christy Hicks, I am fighting for my life, and I would never want to hurt anyone. I just know that there are times I have to step away in my mind and heart from this disease and find some way to be my old self. To find some peace within this situation that I am going through. It's a tough battle. It's heartbreaking one moment and then the next I find comfort in knowing I am doing every single thing I can, to keep going. I worry more about my family than I do myself. I want them to find peace, I want to know that if I don't make it through this disease that they will all be okay! I pray every night that I don't suffer so they don't suffer. I am a giver and even fighting for my life, I care more about all of them as I do myself. I wish I could say that I am looking forward to going to heaven, as I know my mama will be standing there with open arms waiting on me, and that will be a glorious day to have her there to hold and comfort me, something I have missed so much over the last almost 17 years. But, I am not ready. I don't know that I will ever be ready, but God's plan and in God's time.
When my mama passed away she went in her sleep, I honestly thought that was the worst thing ever. I didn't get to say goodbye I was not prepared. But now going through all of this, I realize she was lucky, no matter how much it hurt me, she was as were we, spared the heartache of these days of up's and downs and sorrow.
I am by far giving up, I just know that there are some people that say I am in denial of this disease, I certainly am not. There is no one with me when I cry myself to sleep most nights besides Chris and Evan. They comfort me to the extent that I know it hurts them both so deep but I need them and I need their love and comfort more than I have ever needed it from anyone at any time. I am tired of crying I just want to be happy, to smile and laugh more than I ever have. To make more memories every single day as many as I possibly can.
Today, I go to the oncologist again to get my results from my CT Scan from yesterday, I left the office after the test yesterday and found myself more at peace than I have in a long long time, I have found myself prepared for whatever he has to say to me and taking it and making the next best possible decisions to prolong my life as long as I possibly can. I want to live forever, but none of us, not a single one of us will live forever! Today, isn't the deciding factor of my life. This doctor can not determine my future and no one else here on earth possibly can either, I have made a new dedication to myself through all the good and bad news I receive on this journey, I will be grateful for every single day I have, I will make the most of it, I will take the progression of this disease and I will face each day with grace and the best possible attitude that I possibly can. Life is not easy to live and life is not easy to let go of either.
I believe I can live a long life, and when I met with my doctor and he says he thinks the disease is progressing it was a reality check. I hated it .. I hated him saying it.... I could deny it all but he is the expert and not me. I hope today proves that he is wrong, I am crossing my fingers and praying really hard that he is. I have been preparing myself all week for today and it's amazing I find comfort and peace today that I have not felt in a while. I slept like a baby last night!
Don't cry for me...Pray for me!
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