I had 2 daughter with 2 men that didn't feel that they should or needed to have the financial burden to raise their children," Christy can do it". I have been left holding the bag of so many people all of my life. Cleaning up their messes, making excuses, and sweeping my own hearts desire under the rug... because in life... I created an obligation to my children and I would not falter from my responsibility ever.
I have gone without. I have had it all. I have been to the top and I have fallen flat on my ass and scraped my way back up the ladder, with very few people there to make sure I didn't completely fall and lose it all. My family should have never had to be responsible for my decisions in life and yet... as I fight for my life, my family... will be the ones standing here united beside me to make sure that my last wishes on this earth are met. It breaks my heart and in the same sense, gives me comfort. I have been making arrangements for the things in my life that will not leave this earth when I go. As hard and sad as it sounds, I have to prepare, my heart and soul is not prepared but a piece of paper will be what is left of my decisions of what is to happen if I shall not make it. Who wants to lay their life out on a piece of paper, to say who the little child you love and cherish so much will be raised by when you are no longer here? How can life be so hurtful that something like this can happen? How can I have been the bigger better person and let everyone else skate away from responsibility and I be here sick, still holding the bag of what to do when there is nothing else left to do with my life?
This disease makes me angry, Makes me want to say all the things to all the people that I have been holding back on for so long. To tell them exactly what I thought of them back then and what I think of them now. I am bitter. I am the one that has always tried to do the right thing and then here I am left with this death sentence after all of the good things I have tried to do..Why? I am not perfect I have made some terrible mistakes in my life, but I have punished myself more than anyone else could have ever punished me for them.
How can people run from the responsibility of life and yet stand in the background always holding out their hand, and someone dropping them some crumbs so they survive and never pay the price for their selfishness?
Every day is a fight for my life. Every day I am the one accountable for not only myself.. but, my child's well being and needs. I would not have it any other way, but I know that through this, I am still standing, I am still fighting, and I am still the one giving my complete all to the obligations in my life when I am running out of energy to keep giving this life of mine all I had to give before I was sick. I don't have time to be sick. I don't have time to rest and get well, I have created a life of obligation and necessity to provide and I don't see anyone riding up on their white horse sweeping me off my feet and holding me and saying "Christy, let me take care of this all now" Damn don't I deserve that fairy tale at least for a day?
I want to be selfish, now. As I laid in bed trying to recover from the Y-90 treatment, I had last Thursday (6 days ago) I laid there yesterday thinking about the days I am wasting trying to get better. The days that I didn't even see the sun shine. The days that I have not been able to hold, hug, and kiss my little girl because of the radiation in my body. I have no idea how long on this earth I have. This treatment may be what will extend my life for 10 -30 years. I may be here and outlive everyone else reading this blog today, no one knows, and I thought how can I waste a day of the time I may or may not have left on earth. I want to rejoice in the life that I have. I hold my head high, very high, I have been criticized by many people for tooting my own horn, and when I reflect on the people that have done the criticizing of my life, I see where they had not accomplished anything remotely to what I have.
To be a strong independent woman has been a curse to me from other women, especially. These are women that I have known in my life, because through all my trials and tribulations I have achieved things on my own, I have stood up to the world single handily and done what most of those women could not even imagine doing on their own. I am no, Joan of Arc, but what I am is a single mother that has taken on the world with no sense of security, help, obligation, or consideration from the other person that created a life with me, and I have done amazing things standing there alone with a child on my hip. I should toot my own horn, I should be as we all should be recognized for the accomplishments that I beat against all odds to be the person I have been and will always be on this earth! Christy Hicks is a warrior, I may get down, I may cry, and I may want to walk away from it all, but in the end I fight harder the tougher the battle becomes. I use to let people hurt me so deep, I use to sincerely care what they thought of me, and I could have been anyone on earth and they would have felt the same way about me. Not every one likes me. Not every one agrees with me. Not every one is going to stand beside me on what me my final journey through life, but I can say one thing I have an amazing family, my closest friends have shined brighter in my heart through these difficult times, and no matter what time of day I got out of surgery there were the people standing there waiting on me to show their love and support! I am grateful.
Don't cry for me. Pray for me.
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