Blog #34 GO! Fight! Win! Exploring every chance I have.....

This has been a very  long 3 and a half months.  It doesn't seem like just a little over 3 months  it truly feels like 3 years that I have been going through this. I have ran from point A to  B, C,D,E.F looking for the answers for a cure . My oncologist is mad at me. Mad.... because I want to take every single opportunity I can to try and save myself. As a patient isn't that my choice? I feel like I should be a robot sometimes and do what I am told to do, even though I am told it will not save my life. That is not me. I am a fighter and I will not allow someone with a medical degree that can not see into his crystal ball and tell me what is going to happen if I do what he wants me to do. I already know. I feel so good, I am full of life and to take away a second of that from me I am not willing to do it! 

Maybe.. I am in denial like my oncologist told me last week, I can tell you when I am searching for new ways to fight this and I am all  pumped up about it,  I am not crying and fearing for my life. I have to say sometimes fantasy and denial is a whole lot better than reality. He has not real idea of my reality and he can not pretend to know. He looks at a medical book and uses the protocol standard treatment, think outside of the box, give hope where you feel there may be a hopeless situation I am hoping I am a candidate for the Y90 treatment today, I want to do the treatment, I have to take every avenue I can to survive this disease. And I am willing to roll the dice to see if there is hope of healing me, so much that I am willing to risk the rest of my life in hopes that I can survive. 

I have no idea what the future holds, I have no idea where this cancer will lead me, no cancer patient can ever be certain of their outcome but I have known more people to survive that have been told there is no hope, and I hope to be one of those people. I am not as strong as I wish that I could be, I just get up every day and talk myself out of being sad and mad and work on new ways of trying to heal myself and to give everything to myself right now in hopes that I can give so much more to others later, when I am well. 

This has been the worst 3 months of my life. There have been times I have wanted to give up. Just do nothing at all, not think about it, not try to fix it, just let it be what it is and do what it will do. But, that isn't the answer. The answer is out there I believe that. Today, I am getting test for the Y90 treatment to see if I can have this procedure done. It is where the radiologist puts radiation beads directly into my liver to kill the cancer cells. At this point all I can do is hope I am a candidate and hope that it will work for me!  I have faith. I am stepping out on limbs that I have no idea if they will break and I will fall, I just believe that if I have take a chance anything in this world is possible. I want to live. I want to see my daughter and grandson grow up, and I am doing every single thing within my power to make certain that will happen. There are times that I feel that I am going to die, but the problem with that is I feel so good, I look good, I just don't feel sick. Yesterday, my procedure got rescheduled because of the patient before me, but my nurse said "I think we have the wrong patient. You just do not look or act like a person with stage 4 liver cancer" I smiled. I told her I didn't feel like it either. 

I know that I am sick. Yet, when I give into this illness is when I die. I will fight every single day of my life I have left on this earth to beat this. I don't know what the future holds. I hope it holds many years of memories left to come... I know one thing I have today. I want today to be the first day of the rest of my life. I am tired of crying ... I am tired of my family and I hurting every day. We have to live as if this disease is not there every chance we can, and we have to be happy with the day we have and that's today. 

I am happy. I have my moments of sadness. I have moments of total despair, but all in all I am happy. I still have a life to live, I am still living, and I want to know that through this disease and the way that I have shared this journey that people can find their own hope. I don't believe every thing in the world is black and white. It really just isn't that way. If these doctor's knew every thing about cancer, they would have a cure. They don't know. They know what the text book says for them to do, and I believe that there is more out there to save a life, and to get rid of cancer. 

I have no idea  how, when, or even why I got this disease. It really doesn't matter, what matters is how I deal with it, how I attack it, and how I fight for my life. 

Please continue to pray for me. Please know that I believe there is hope I believe that I can overcome this, no matter the battle length or anything, I am suited up and ready to fight each and every single day as hard and long as I have to fight. 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me... There are miracles every day, I could be one of those today!