This has been one of the worst 10 days of my life. Cancer has really shown it's ugly side in my life over the last 10 days. It started with a 6 week follow up with the Oncologist. He felt that my cancer was progressing, and as much as he tried to make me understand him, I was fighting the words he was saying. I didn't and still don't believe that it can take off in growth spell over the last 6 weeks when I have been told I have had this disease for at least 6 years.
We decided to do a CT Scan. I wanted to know the truth about how this cancer is progressing and yet... I feared the results for over a week. After my follow up visit on Thursday the week before last, I received a call from the doctor's office stating that I need to get to the infusion center within his office immediately, my calcium level was extremely high and could either cause a heartache or I could instantly for no reason break a bone. It was at a very dangerous level. It scared me to death. I had no idea why this was happening to me. I hate it, and I lost so much of my courage in those moments, I could have died and it would not really be from the cancer but from something that the cancer starts to create within the body. On the same day I got the infusion and my spirit was breaking apart, my brother found a clinical trial out of Tampa, Florida. I called enrolled myself and planned to travel the next Thursday to Tampa after meeting with my Oncologist and getting the news from the CT SCAN... I found a new sense of hope and bright light that was shining on me. I wanted this trial. They would inject the liver tumors with a medicine that had great success in killing the cancer cells. I begin to feel even better than I had before. I needed a letter from my doctors that said I had primary liver cancer. I got what I needed and the assistant to the trial asked me to send all of my prior scans and medical records for review. I did and within 2 days I got the devastating news, I am not a candidate because I have so many lesions on my liver and they can only treat one tumor at a time over a 28 day period. I cried my eyes out, my whole family cried their eyes out too. We just knew this was going to be the treatment to save my life.
I had no idea that the infusion was going to make me feel like I had the worse case of the flu, and that it would make my muscles and bones all hurt for several days. It hurt and made me so sad. The days rolled on and even though I was sad I didn't meet the qualifications of the trial I still had the high calcium on my mind. I had my CT Scan this week, on Wednesday and my sister and I met with the doctor once again on Thursday. He walked into the room and said that the cancer was progressing,and the tumors were getting bigger.... I sat there, I had been doing everything I knew to do to get rid of this horrible disease by eating healthy taking all my supplements, and doing the IV's. I had been fighting so hard, and it was still growing. He handed me the report of the scan and as I looked at the tumor measurements I noticed they had not grown, the doctor said they had grown. I told him, they had not grown, he started to argue with me a little, I told him I knew the sizes of my tumors from the scan in Feb, and if anything they had gotten a little smaller. The radiologist was suppose to compare the CD report from Feb to current which he had not done, which made me made because that was the purpose of the scan in the first place . I went through a ton of trouble to get the disc again to take and they didn't even do their jobs on this. The doctor asked me if I wanted him to go talk to the radiologist, I of course said "YES". After a few minutes he came back and said "She said, they have not gotten worse but they have not gotten any better, Christy" To me that was much better news than if they were growing.
The next thing was the discussion on my cancer marker. A week and a half before my oncologist took my blood my alternative doctor took it, and it was at 1943, the oncologist stated that it was now at 7243. This made no sense to me and I told him that. I have had this 6 years and the first time I was checked it was at 1450 and now you are saying in 3 months since I have been treated it is now at 7243, all the sudden this cancer is growing??? I told him I did not believe the test, I wanted him to redo it. He almost wanted to argue with me about that but to
be honest I think he knows I am serious and regardless of the cost if insurance will not pay for it, I wanted it retested.
The marker number will be back tomorrow, Monday! Believe me I will be calling first thing in the morning to get the number again. I am confused on what to do. Doing the alternative medicine has held off the cancer from growing, I hope that is what it has done, but I wanted it to heal me. Next, almost every supplement that I am taking including the vitamin C injections have calcium in them. I have stopped all those treatments. I need some answers to why the calcium is so high, when I look online it says it is .000001% due to cancer. It has something to do with thyroid glands which means they can take out my thyroid and that will eliminate the high calcium... That's my Christy Hicks MD determination.
I can not be fighting for my life and die from this high calcium factor with a heart attack. I am so lost right now. I am considering chemo and have a port insertion scheduled outpatient for Thursday and it is breaking my heart not knowing which direction to turn. At the end of the day, I want to live I want to do whatever I can to give me time, to give me my life, to give me another day with the ones that I love. I have been praying to God for the right answers. I told my oncologist last week I will make no commitment to the chemo until I get the results back from the cancer marker again. I don't want to wait to late.. to buy myself more time to live, since that is all I have been told that the chemo will do. I have done other treatments besides the chemo because I have been told it gives me the best chance at survival. I fear the unknown and my oncologist gives me the fear that I am getting closer to dying. I wonder how they do their jobs. Apparently my doctor doesn't believe in alternative treatments and that's his choice. Now that I could have died from the calcium I am now afraid myself. I don't know what is the right direction for me, I feel wishy washy and yet I was so certain about the course I was taking and now my confidence is completely broken into.
I still feel good. I am trying so hard to live day by day and be happy with the moments that I have! But, to be honest... I have so much on my mind and I just want to make the most educated, life long decisions that I can make for myself. I feel that the oncologist lied to me. He didn't think that they could be better and told me without the correct information that they were growing. I have lost faith in him and for a patient that is never good. I don't know if changing doctors is the right thing to do, I just feel more confused than the day I was originally diagnosed.
I just want everything laid out in front of me in black and white just show me the facts and let me decided what I want to do. If only it were that easy.
Please pray for me in my decision's I have to make this coming week. Pray that God will guide me in the right direction for my life and for the love of my family and friends.
I deserve to live. I deserve to see clearly what choices I have to make sure that happens. This week my Oncologist says he thinks I am in denial about this disease. I am not in denial I am HOPEFUL... I am fighting for my life, that doesn't make me in denial, it makes me a WARRIOR!
I hope all of you mother's have a great Mothers's Day and that you see the beauty in every single day. Being a mama is one of the toughest things I have ever done. Being sick makes being a mama even harder because we are always the ones that make things better and as you see in my story I am not sure how to do that. I pray for the strength to make the right choices to give the best shot I have at making it for years to come. I want to live. I have so much to live for and in this moment I have no idea how to do it. Makes me almost paralyzed even though I can use my arms and legs I feel stuck in the same spot in my life. I want something to magically show me the yellow brick road, is it there? If so, please pray I find it!
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