My Life... Blog #8

When this whole "Cancer" thing came into my life. I wanted to hide from the world. I didn't want anyone to know that I had cancer. I wanted to just keep it close to home with me, my friends, and my family. Then as the word started spreading around, and people started posting things on my wall, which in turn made other people wonder what was going on with me, and it snowballed,. fast! As much as I wanted to just have those few days to myself to think about what this meant in my life, I was answering questions for people that were concerned for me. I felt so much comfort in the outreach I received from so many people. 

Then, I decided to bring my passion into the situation. I wanted to start a blog, a blog about the truth about myself , a place where people could come and read what is going on. I wanted to share my heart and soul, I wanted a place to be me and show my strength in hopes that I could help someone else.  And I have done all of this. It's not easy. It's not easy sharing news that hurts your heart so bad that you feel as if you can not breath but in the same sense after the shock of the news you want your positive attitude to be remembered for whom you are always. 

This is a tough time in my life. A time that I could just escape the world and run and hide. The news keeps getting worse for me, but because I feel so good, I look so good, and I want to be all good, I guess believing what I am being told is almost impossible to believe. I want to say I don't have cancer. I want to say I am cured as I once thought I was, but I can't. I have been diagnosed  with Stage 4 caner on my liver, a spot on my lung, and possibly in several of my bones. I want to say I am not terminal as I have been told that I am but I am. I may live 5 years I may live 1 year, but what I want you all to know is, I am fighting. I am believing that I am not sick, and we are approaching this all with the most positive and ambitious attitudes that my family and I can. We are not stupid. We are a family that wants to save the life of "ME" a person that does not want to die, that does not want to leave this earth with my two daughters and grandson to miss me and me never see my daughter's get married, or my little girl all through the years of her life. It breaks my heart but what I can not do is give into this disease. I am either going to live or I am going to die and either way I am going through this time happy and the best person I can be. I agree, most people would crumble in a time like this, and believe me I have my moments, but in those moments I have the most amazing people in my life to lift me up and to keep me going. I am strong but my strength is being inspired by so many of you that believe in me and my willingness to live and beat this. I am going to Emory today to meet with the Director Clinical Trails and Oncology and MD Anderson next week. I am hopeful. I am certain that if there is anyway to find a cure for this my brother will find a way to save me, he is trying his best! 

I have no idea what the future hold, today, I feel great, I am living my life as this disease doesn't exist in every second that I can find the strength to feel this way. Cancer SUCKS... I hate cancer, I never dreamed it would touch my life, as unexpectedly as it has. I am eating as clean and healthy as I possibly can. I am fighting and believing that I can maintain a life that I want for myself, my family, and my friends.