God's Grace was upon me.....Blog #5

To be honest, I don't really know where to begin. This last week and two days has been nothing short of heartbreaking, wrapped all around a miracle. 

The diagnosis of liver cancer is never good. All  four doctors I had seen said "It's really bad" in my mind, I know what really bad meant, in my heart, I wanted to know that I could fight it. That I could do treatments that would save my life. I wanted it to be okay, I tried staying strong, and when someone I loved would call me and start crying on the phone, I had to go into Christy Hicks shut down, I had been told over and over again that my attitude would save my life, and therefore; I could not allow the fear to overrule my desire to live. So, I told all the people that cried not to cry, I was going to be fine. All the while inside I feared death. I feared leaving this earth and leaving my little daughter and grandson. I knew what it meant  "It's really bad" the masses were all over my liver, large masses, that I was never given the dimensions, and I never asked. I was afraid. I was to afraid to ask questions, because I was not sure that I really wanted the answers. I was being the strong person that I had been raised to be, while the inside of me, that no one saw was having the biggest pity party, with a huge smile on my face. 

When I went in to the hospital on Friday to do that test that would be the one treatment that could prolong my life, I got there, went back to registration, and the lady said "We don't have the order to do your procedure" I was furious because I had already been pushed back and hour the day before and I hate waiting. My patience was limited. So after registering she sent me back into the lobby until she could get my order and then I would be taken back. The longer I sat there the madder I was becoming. this test had been decided on Tuesday early afternoon, and now 3 days later, there was no order. My sister said she had the doctors card in her purse and thought that it had his cell phone number on it, it did. I called and he was furious, and told me to get the hospital staff on the phone. I don't know what was said but when the lady from registration handed me the phone back, she didn't have a smile on her face. 

It still seemed to take a while, so I wanted to go and see if I could find the doctor and talk to him, we were met by his nurse, and she stated he wasn't in yet, and had a busy day, and I told her, I didn't care, I wanted to talk to him as soon as possible, she said she would pass the message. 

It wasn't long after that I was taken back to the outpatient area that they prepared me for the procedure.  In no time the orderly came and got me and pushed me back to the OR.  My brother, sister, Chris, and I were all there. When I was pushed and left in the hallway, I saw the doctor, he smiled and I asked him "Where are my roses?" He laughed. It was an intense moment, I had no idea why I was left in the hallway in front of his office, I had no idea what the procedure would entail, and I had no idea what it was keeping me together, or than my faith.  

He walked up to my bedside, with a real confused look on his face, he said "I have good news and I have bad news. What do you want first?" I didn't know. I just thought he was going to say he could not do the surgery, when he said "I am going to give you the good news first. I biopsied all three of the largest masses on your liver, and they all came back benign.  I could see the reaction on my brother and sisters face, the look of relief on my brothers face, as my sister hit his arm with a smile on her face. A moment that will forever be engraved in my mind. I can tell you what my reaction was, I looked at Chris and he had tears in his eyes. These were words that none of us had expected. Especially the doctor. He had without my knowledge told my brother and sister 3 days before that I was in Stage 4 and that I would not make it 6 weeks, Neither of them told me that, they carried that  burden for 3 days on their own, the heartache they must have felt I will never know. Before pushing me in for the procedure, I told the doctor I had something for him, I handed him my single mom book I published... I had written him a message inside and this is what it said :

I want you to have this book in hopes that you will read this and truly get to know the person I am. The strength I have to survive so many things in my life. I want to live, yet I don't know at this moment how we together are going to make that happen. I want to live. I want to see my little daughter and grandson grow up. I wanted you to know how much I am loved and needed in this world. Thank you for all you will do in making this happen. 
Christy Hicks 

The bad news was he was putting off the test he was planning to do on Friday, and he said "Most doctors would say it's not cancer, go home." He said "I  can't do that, I would love to say this is a miracle and if I go in like I am about to do and biopsy all of these and they come back benign, then I suppose I have to believe it. If they come back cancer then we are going straight down the hall to do the next test. We all agreed. My brother left, he didn't listen to much after the benign statement and testing them again. He said he just went outside and sat by himself. That he was just in shock. It was as shocking to hear the word benign as it was to hear the word cancer. 

The procedure was painful, more painful than the few days before. I think that there were some upset people working in that hospital that thought that he didn't need to redo a biopsy.  There were some attitudes floating around and the OR was really intense where it was happier before. I just laid there with a million things running through my mind, I didn't need the singing, or the happy nurses, what I needed was the rest of these tumor to be benign I wanted a miracle. I needed a miracle. 

Not long after the doctor was finished my sister and my friend Tammy came back into the room, Tammy had gone and bought me some cupcakes and chocolate covered strawberries. Chris brought me some beautiful roses and the sweetest Valentines card.  Not long after they were in the room, the doctor came back in, and he said "I'm sending you home. The pathologist says they are benign. I am sending them for a second opinion, I will have them cultured, and I want you back in ten days for an MRI. He was dumbfounded, I am not even sure he knew what to do or say. He said "I've dealt with cancer for 30 years and I have never seen anything like this before" According to what my brother tells me the doctor had  said. When I went to stay in recovery the nurse could not believe the news. She said "it so rarely happens" I am sure she didn't even know what to say, every time she would walk into check on me I would say "I can't believe the miracle I received" she would smile. She left for the day and I had a new nurse came in, she shared a story of her sister and how she had been bleeding for weeks, went to one hospital and they sent her home and said nothing was wrong, a few days later my nurse, her sister, made her go to another hospital, and they did an emergency hysterectomy and save her life.  Miracles happen all the time. Sometimes people are not willing to believe in miracles because they can not explain it, and to be honest why would the grace of God and a miracle need any explanation at all, It's all defining in itself. I want my testimony to bring each and every one of you closer to God and this has brought me and my family. I can not sit here and say that my mama wasn't in heaven at God's feet begging him herself! There is no way to explain any of this. No way to show you a miracle other than a diagnoses that appeared to be fatal for me 3 days before, turned life saving miracle today! 

It's a miracle. It's the hundreds and thousands of people that have prayed for me. It is the Grace of God that I am going to live. It is a miracle that God heals. I believe that with all of my heart. God gave me a blessing. God knew it was not my time to go and even if he had thought it was all the prayers to save my life was a testimony to God it really wasn't my time.  I have always believed in God, I go to church but I have not always read my bible and prayed like I should have. I can tell you this, I begged God to save my life, over and over again. I begged to let me do what I am suppose to do in this world and that I am not finished and my testimony could make all the difference in the lives of so many other people. I am here and I feel good. I am still on rest this weekend because of the pain from the biopsy but my life is left to live and to share a message of hope, faith, grace, and Gods mercy. I am the luckiest person alive and I will do any and everything I can to spread his word. 

***This would be an incredible story if this is where it ended... Unfortunately, I received a call the following Monday stating that the pathology department was wrong, it was cancer, and it was not good... Continue to read my journey..... Through this mystery of cancer........ *****