Blog #2

Last night was a friend's surprise birthday party, throughout the day I was thinking about not going. I wasn't feeling that good, I was hurting several places and just wasn't sure I wanted to go. I didn't want to be that person that everyone was sitting whispering and pointing "there's that girl with cancer" kind of thing.

After a long and personal debate I decided to go, I had gone out earlier in the day and bought a new shirt, (as women we know something new to wear makes us all better). As I had walked around the shop looking at everything she had 2 or 3 times, not feeling really good enough to want to buy anything, but knowing it would make me feel better, I settled on a shirt.

 I came home and a friend and her family came over, we talked about these new events in my life, and at my suggestion we went for ice cream. It was beautiful outside as we sat in the sun, talked and laughed, it felt so good. It was the perfect thing to ease my wondering mind, I had when I was sitting at home alone before they arrived. I realized the idle times are the hardest. The times when you are alone and your mind has all the time in the world, to wander all over the place, it does it's best to go to the scary and dark places, that would scare anyone to death. It's a battle my friends to keep the faith, to steer fear from your mind and heart. I would like to think that I am so strong that I never have these horrible fears of "what could be" but I don't think anyone is strong enough for that. It's your mind and the fear of the unknown that makes this whole thing so hard and heart breaking. In my moments of alone I think about my kids, and grandson. About the people that I created in this world, that I love beyond anything else, the fear of not seeing my little girl growing up, is a horrible feeling. I love her so much and she loves me. The last 5 years of my life have been some of the very best days of my life. She was not expected and yet she was what I needed in my life is so many ways. She is my little mini me. She is the person that sleeps next to me every night. The first person in my day to speak to  me and always says "I love you mama" She wakes up in the middle of the night almost every night, if she can't feel me, crying out for me. I can't help but let my mind think of these things as I try to fight back the thoughts.

I want to live. I will do anything humanly possible to save my life. I can not imagine that God would allow me not to get through this. It's not my time. It's not my time. It's not my time. 

I went to the dinner, got all dolled up, and had a great time. Met some new friends, shared my story, but talked about so many other things. The sweet woman that sat beside me, she was great. It felt good to be out, around people. Cancer is hard, the isolation I am sure that some people feel can break your spirit. That is why I am so glad that I have such good friends and such great support to get me through all of this. 

When I was at the oncologist on Friday, I had 6 people with me. When we got home and were talking about how overwhelmed the doctor must have been with us all in there, my brother said "Did you see that one lady, she was there all by herself to have chemo, how sad is that?"  The world get's busy. People do their own thing and don't think about what other people may be going through, you should. Take the time to pay attention to the needs of the people around you, you may give someone the greatest gift in the world by giving of your time. 

The night of my ER visit my friends Tonya and Ashley came over, they wouldn't have taken "No" for an answer even if I had said it. We all sat around talking, as I asked Ashley if they were leaving for her birthday trip in the morning, she looked at me as if I were crazy and said "We are not going" I was surprised and asked "Why?" She said "I am not going with this going on with you, I can't go and have a fun weekend with this news" In that moment my heart smiled.  How do you ever repay a friendship like that? That's love and I have to tell you love is the BEST feeling in the world. 

This is a scary time in my life. The unknown is really hard, and I hear if it is in fact cancer it may be the hardest thing I will ever do to overcome. I am scared, I can not lie, but what I will say is I am up,it's Sunday morning, I am alive, I have faith and hope beyond all that I can imagine and I have some of the greatest people in this world behind me and beside me leading me into whatever it is that I will be facing and for that I am the luckiest person in the world. This journey is something that is at the moment nothing that I know anything about, I have not gotten on the internet to do research, mainly because I don't know what I am search for specifically and I do not want to scare myself to death. There are horror stories all around, there are triumphant stories, there are good and bad deals with people, hospitals, doctors, and whatever. I don't want to be afraid to fight this, therefore, I keep myself in faith, wait for my results, and know from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes, that everyday that goes by I am stronger and stronger to face and beat whatever is coming my way.  As I keep saying  Don't cry for me, Pray for me. I mean it. I don't want to cry and when I feel that I am, as I started to when I was writing about my kids, I stopped myself, I must be strong, I must be the warrior that my body and mind needs. It's more of a mental thing when it comes to cancer, you have to be mentally able to handle it or you will fall apart, so I am seriously preparing myself for this recovery! Pray for me, and pray more. Please ask God to save my life, I deserve it, we all do!