BLOG #4 BIOPSY AND TESTING

When I started this blog, I decided that I wanted to be honest, upfront, and share this journey, in hopes to help someone else. I wanted a place that I could share in the process of what this disease does to you in the midst of a recovery. That someone else may face this same circumstance one day and through my words and story that it may help them in helping someone else as well.

It was the worse day of my life when the ER doctor told me it was liver cancer. I wanted to scream... and here I sit one week later, and I am still wanting to scream. I thought this kind of thing only happened to other people, I never dreamed I would be the person fighting for my life to rid my body of this horrid disease. I don't feel bad, I don't feel like what a cancer patient should feel like (at least what my mind imagines someone so sick to feel like) it's a disease that just attacks your body and doesn't express itself until you go for a routine check up or just an ache or pain. As horrid as it is, how can it lurk into your body and destroy you on the inside, and does everything it can to take your life away from you? I want the answers to these questions and even the doctors from the best school, and the most brilliant minds can not come up with the solutions to these questions. 

I went and had my liver biopsy on Tuesday. I was told to be there at 8:30 because my biopsy was scheduled at 11:00 and I needed time to get my chest x ray done. I did as I was told, my brother, sister, oldest daughter, and I were there.  I laid in a room forever, finally they did my x ray, and then I laid in that room again. Nothing to eat at midnight so by noon I was starving. There was nothing to drink either, as the dripped that liquid in me through my veins, I had to get up and go to the bathroom a lot. There I was in a hospital gown, that stupid thing, your whole butt hangs out of, luckily I didn't have to go out into the hall to get to that bathroom, believe me I would have. Reminds me of the story when my little girl was born, I had order my oldest and I a good dinner at the hospital that night and had it delivered, I got up to pay the guy and realized I forgot my wallet, walked back across the room, and I could hear Samantha bursting out in laughter. When the guy let she told me my gown was tucked into those big fish net underwear and my whole butt was hanging out. That story always makes me laugh. It was funny! 

My poor sister, Lori, I kept telling her to go and check when it was going to be my turn. The last time she checked she said they were coming now. I was pushed back in my little bed that had become my home for the day, and when we got to the operating room, I had to lay there in the hall waiting for the nurses to get everything ready.  As I laid there, A nurse walked by with a container of chili in her hand, as she approached me I reached my hand out, I was joking as I tried to take her food, I know it freaked her out, and it gave us all a little laugh, as the anticipation of going to that room and the unknown of what was going to happen scared me to death. I had been telling my nurse all day that I needed a "Knock Out Shot" she never showed up with one. 

 When I was wheeled into the room, my family was allowed to stay in there with me until the doctor was done talking to me and ready to do the biopsy . I wanted to cry, I wanted to jump out of that bed, I wanted to run away, I wanted to call all the doctors liars, and never face this issue again, I was running on the inside as I laid there and waited for the doctor to come. I was really about to get up and go look for him myself, I just wanted whatever was going to happen to happen and I wanted it over so quickly. 

The doctor came in, told me that he is almost certain that is liver cancer, and it's bad. There is a treatment that they can do for me but I have to be a candidate, so on Friday I have to go back to the hospital and do the test. I had that on my mind, as he explained how this was going to happen. The doctor asked who everyone in the room was, and everyone introduced themselves. He looked at me and said "You are not married?" I replied "No, if you are rich and you can save my life I will marry you" Everyone in the room laughed. He was a kind man, and he told me not to look as he put the needle in after I had a little shot in my IV what they call "twilight" I could hear things but I laid there still, I guess I was out a little but looking back I feel I was awake and alert the whole time . The doctor sang to me during the biopsy. I can remember and yet I have no idea what song he had sung for me .  The worse part was having to stay in the outpatient center for 4 hours after the biopsy. I guess  I thought I would just go home right away, I complained, a lot. I just wanted to get home. I wanted to go home and just lay in my own bed. There is no place like home when you are not feeling well. 

Once I was released and got home I had some pain pills I had been given a few days before and the pain from the biopsy was horrid, so I took them every 6 hours, and after about three time I was sick, the medicine made me sick no matter how much I ate before I took them. I feel as if yesterday was a bit of a blur, I laid on the couch all day to watch tv and until late in the night I could not tell you a single thing that was seen on that tv. 

Tomorrow morning I am back at the hospital at 7:00 for an 11:00 procedure.  I wish I knew what this entails and yet in my nervousness I didn't bother asking. I just want something to kill these cancer cells in my body, I want to go back to normal. I want my life just the way it was, and I have no time or patience for this horrible disease. I know and every single person has told me, it is all about your attitude, And as scared as I am... I am being strong, determined, and dedicated to kicking the shit out of cancer. Cancer isn't any stronger than I am and I will fight this battle with every ounce of hope, faith,and energy I have. I will not sit back and let this disease win, I have the most precious little girl in the world that loves and needs me. I know that she is what made my life whole and there is no way in this world that I can leave her. I will beat this disease, it may take every ounce of my energy  but it will never take my spirit and my desire to live my life.  I have Chris at home being my nurse, he is determined himself to save my life, he is on the internet day and night trying to find the answers. He is taking great care of me, I have no idea what I would do if he were not here with me, to make sure I get up from the pain, making me food, handing me my drink, standing in the bathroom while I shower making sure I don't fall from being dizzy on the pain pills. He is such a great person, and I truly do love him. He is going to be the person that goes through all of this horrid disease affects with me, and he is facing it like a champion. Please pray for him and all that he will be going through to help me to this recovery process. 

I can not put into words the feeling of being told you have liver cancer,and what it  feels like. I am scared but I am more hopeful than I am afraid. I have the best family and friends, the love and support is something I would never begin to repay so many people that have shown me such love and kindness. People think they are bothering someone going through something like this, but honestly people are needed to help in the recovery a simple phone call full of laughter is one of the best medicines. I am already sick and tired of hearing about cancer, I hate it with a passion, and yet I have no choice to talk about the solutions to solving my problem. My brother has been given/taken the task of saving my life in his hands, and that is a heavy burden to carry. I don't want him to carry that burden and yet that is who we all are. He loves me and he is determined to find the solutions to saving me, and I have to say I hope with all my heart that he does. It's in the doctors and God's hands and I am sure that I can and will beat this. Please as my title says don't cry for me, pray for me. Pray for my brother, Greg that he finds comfort and peace and that God let's him know that he is taking care of us all. My heart breaks to put my family through this, the people that love me so much, and that have done nothing my whole life than support, comfort, and love me. I am so lucky to have all that I have.