Blog #43..... Onward and Outward with this Monster

It's been one of those days. The kind that takes your breath completely away from you with a phone call, that could ultimately change the course of everything as you are told the doctor needs you in his office right away, with no explanation. The news wasn't as bad as my heart hurt that it would be, it's a change of plans in treatment and having surgery not only this week but next as well.  I am okay with that, I just hope my poor body that has already been through so much in the last 60 days... will be. 

I am having another procedure Friday where the doctor will go in and burn off the one tumor in the middle of my liver, it's deep within the right and left side and very hard to treat. Then... on Wednesday next week, I will once again have the Y-90 where they go in through my artery in my leg and inject the radiation microscopic beads into my liver to get the last 10% of the tumors that are left on the right side of the liver.  I had the Y-90  for the first time May 22, 2014, it was tough but I survived. I just had the burning procedure 3 weeks ago, and that was rough, mainly because he burned 6 larger tumors, and luckily this time he is only going to be burning one, hopefully that will be a walk in the park procedure compared to last time. Keeping my fingers crossed. 

There is a lot being done to get this cancer out of my body, but my liver has held up incredibly well and with  no damage at all  to the function of my liver. In our meeting yesterday we talked about "What if's" that was a hard conversation to have, the "what if "... I had not had these procedures so far, the disease would be so much more progressed by now ...and I would be yellow and in liver failure. I had nothing but tumors all in my liver and now I have hardly any. It's the moment that you think "Thank God, I am alive" I look back as the road I have traveled to get me to this point and it's been a lot of searching and HUGE decisions that have had to be made, and ultimately I have had to make them myself. I am glad of the decisions, I probably would not be alive right now if I had not made these decisions. I am grateful to be alive, I really am. I never one second wanted to die, I feared death, and I am sure there are a lot of people that thought like I did at the beginning, if you have liver cancer, it's a death sentence. I'm so glad that it's not. 

It's not that I want to beat the odds to prove anything to anyone, I want to be the beat odds because I want to live, I want to see my daughter grow up. I want to have my life back. The last 6 months have been a whirlwind. A total whirlwind that has taken my life and shock it up completely. I will always be a cancer patient. I will probably never feel free of this disease. I hope that I am in remission, I hope that I am cancer free, I know that I am not far from the end of this journey and to stay on top of the disease making sure it hasn't come back and treating it if it does. I may fight this battle the rest of my life, or it could be that we kill all these tumors and I never face it ever again a day in my life, there is no telling what can/will happen.  So when I think about being rid of this disease I don't think of it that way! 

School starts back a week from Monday,  I am probably going to miss open house on the 8th, it makes me sad, but I would rather be done with this stupid cancer procedures and onto recovery for the rest of her life of open houses..... I have missed out on a lot these last 6 months. I have been either stuck home in bed sick, doctor appointments, or in the hospital. I hope that all changes really soon! That's one of the most painful  things about having these disease for me, is missing out on things with my Evan and Landon. I spend a lot of time trying to explain this to them both. They are so young and can't possibly understand... but I try. Evan and I have spent a lot of time in the past several months crying about me having cancer, now we just talk about how every day I am getting better and beating this monster inside of me.  

I have a great life, one that has been very challenged while trying  to beat this disease! But,  I think I have done a great job of managing my business part time with a full time responsibility. I have worked very hard as trying to maintain, build, and give my all to my health, family, and business as much as I possibly can. I had been told many times that I should hire someone to run my business but honestly..... I love working. The second I feel better after any of my procedures I am back at work, I may not be able to stay all day, I may not be able to do all the things I use, even  as fast as I could, but I have done my best and I have loved every second that I felt good enough to work in the office instead of laying in the bed sick answering calls.  The challenges are only temporary. I have had to remind myself of that over and over again. People (friends) get mad at me for being at work, it's who I am. I am an overachiever and I want to be successful not for anyone but myself and I love being an Insurance Agent. Believe me, I will be hitting you guys up for letting me quote your insurance in about another 60 days. I am allowing myself to get better and then I am full speed ahead.... as I always have been! 

A lot of people have said they would not have been as brave as I have through this, that they probably would have laid in the bed and cried and/or given up by now. You never know how strong and tough you are until you are forced to find the strength to keep going and keep fighting. This isn't easy but it's not as hard as you think it is, if you want to live and you are the one that has to fight to make that happen. We do what we are forced to do. We do what we have to do. And we do what we sometimes never expect ourselves to have to do. It's life. There are no exception to who this disease effects hopefully none of you will ever face this horrible disease but know if you do or someone that you love does, it is a battle and it is a fight for your life, and your life is certainly worth it all. 

Thank you all so much... please be praying for me and my family as the next several weeks are going to be tough on us all again but we have been down these roads before and this time there is so much less left to rid my body of and hoping that it makes it easier for me and my healing time and process. I appreciate all of you and know that I am so grateful to have all the love and support I do... Day in and day out every single day of this journey! 

DON'T CRY FOR ME.... PRAY FOR ME!!!  

Blog #42... Bouncing Back Again....

It's been a rough 3 weeks.

But.... Here I am .. I finally back up again and part of the world of the living, again..... I swear, it was a really tough few weeks and there were times when I would just lay in the bed and cry... not sure if I would ever be able to get up and feel good again. But once again... Here I am .. Up and ready to conquer the world, maybe not quite yet, but I am close.  . I am not 100% yet, but I am feeling much better.

This disease consumes my life right now, but I am hoping within the next 30 days I don't have to think about any more procedures, any more doctor visits for a little while, at least, where I don't have to do anything but work on getting my strength and health back to normal. Normal..... I never realized how precious a word that is before. Normal is nothing more  to me than just being able to wake up, take care of myself, work full time, love on my children, go to dinner without pain, and just to be where I don't think about having cancer every second of every single day as I do now. I just want to be that boring word called NORMAL.....

I am waiting to hear about when I can go and have my CT Scan done at the hospital. I was planning and hoping for today but since I have not heard a word from anyone, I am not sure that it's going to happen today. Disappointment number one for today and then I called my Oncologist office to get my cancer marker, and I was informed the doctor forgot to order it... Disappointment number 2. Oh well, isn't that part of it. I just have been very on top of my own personal care and not only myself,  but my brother asked the doctor specially to please order the marker, and it wasn't done.

Life is so precious. We really  just have no idea what the future holds. Since being  diagnosed with cancer... I know of 9 other people that have been told they have one form or another of cancer themselves. These people are friends of friends, no one I know personally except for one of them.... but none the less, several of them have since passed away and with each notification it breaks my heart into pieces. I hate cancer. I hate anyone gets cancer and I hate that I have this horrid disease. I know that most people don't want to share their story with the world and I do understand that. I just know that cancer doesn't define me and when I beat this I can prove that to the world. Life is short ... and I know that I hate that we can not always control what happens in our lives, I just know that I want to live the best life I possibly can. I want to be that person that knows where she is going and how she is going to get there. Right now I am in limbo and it isn't fun but I will be in this mode until I get myself well and get out of this cancer mode of life. Doctor visits, hospitals, medicines, and feeling bad.  I have tears in my eyes thinking about all the people that have lost their lives to this disease. When I go for chemo it is usually much older people in there with me getting treatment.

I just got the call... The CT Scan has been ordered and has to be approved through my insurance carrier and then I can have it done. So it's the waiting game for a little bit and hopefully I can have the scan done no later than tomorrow.I need to know what he did last  made things even better for me. I am crossing my fingers and toes and hoping that I am closer to the CANCER FREE marker in my life.

The last procedure that was done, I stayed in the hospital for 2 nights. They had put me to sleep for the procedure, which I thought would be better. Not quite. Apparently I woke up back in my room and the gurney that they moved me from recovery to my hospital room bed, I would not let them move me. So in this small hospital room was the bed and the gurney. I think I was a real jerk. I cussed out the doctor,( I don't remember that) then I got mad at the nurse for the small amount of pain medicine she was giving me in my port.  I wasn't the best patient that day. I don't remember a single thing. I remember several people came to see me, but I was in so much pain that I don't even remember talking to them, one of those people being my sweet little Evan Raine. I am glad I behaved myself with her, at least I assume I did since she didn't say anything about me being crazy!

I had no idea any of that stuff went on until I got home from the hospital, no wonder it took them forever to bring me my pain medicine and anything else I asked for! Hmmmm.....

Anesthesia will make you say and do crazy things, I am no exception to that rule I suppose. I was in so much pain and honestly, I still have a lot of pain, but with each day it's getting better. It's just getting myself up and getting around again that is going to be the only thing that can work out the pain. I would rather feel the pain in my side then I would to be just laying in the bed ...out of it like I was for almost 3 weeks. I was horrible.

After the CT Scan we will have some answers to the direction I will be heading with further treatment. I hope the CT Scan will be done tomorrow. I am a very impatient person and I really want to know how well this worked on the left side and see if burning off the other 10%  that was left on the right untreated from the Y-90 worked to rid my liver of the rest of this disease.  I have to say the Y-90 was a breeze compared to him going in and burning the tumors off. That was incredible pain. Pain I hope I never feel again. I don't know that I can take going through any of that again. I say that and I read a post from a friend I have on facebook that her husband has cancer and they went in an surgically removed his stomach and esophagus and they rebuilt them out of his intestine's he has had some set backs, but he is fighting hard to save his life. If he can do it through all of that, I can do it through all that I have had done. I feel encouraged and strengthened by other patients and I love sharing and following their journey's of hope of cancer free themselves.

There is no one road through cancer...every one has their own stories.... their own pain and suffering and their own victories.  There is no easy way to maneuver through cancer, there is no path you travel that will lead you through the journey, it's all up and down, in and out, winding and straight days that you travel alone. Cancer takes the lives of so many people. Like me, no one wants to die. When you are told you have this horrid disease the first thing anyone probably thinks of is dying. Then they prepare for the fight of their lives. We all fight this disease... We all hope to beat this disease. There is no certain outcome of when, how, or even why. It's really in what happens and how this disease reacts to modern medicine as to where it and you go from there.  I want to live. I have said that since the first time I wrote a blog. I have fear of dying, there are times more so than I care to admit, but fear doesn't mean you give up it's just that you are logical about what may or may not happen. I fear death only when I can not get up and out of bed, I fear that all the things that we are doing to rid my body of the disease could be damaging it as well. I don't know the answers I just know that I am putting my faith, belief, trust, and life into the hands of someone that knows and has treated this kind of disease before. I want to live. I have so much to live for and truly, I have so much more I wish to do with this life of mine. I beg God every day to let me overcome this disease!

Summary... I am better, not 100% yet, but better. I have a smile on my face I have been at work all day and I have accomplished a lot. I have great friends, a wonderful family that I am truly grateful for. Life isn't easy or normal right now, but I am working on that too.

I will post again when I have more news and as I always say  Don't cry For me.....Pray for Me.

Blog #41 "Courage & Vulnerability"

Life is a journey. A never ending & changing journey that leads us through the days of our lives. As we are truly never knowing or expecting what could happen with the dawn of a new day!  I love these pictures of Samantha and I through the years. The first picture she was about 3 years old. The second picture is her senior picture, there I was pregnant. The last one of us is several weeks ago. I love her so much. I hope that through my life she will understand some of the things in life that make no sense, and never let it falter her desire to be the best person she can be, through all the uncertainties that life seems to throw our way. It's determination, dedication, and the will to make it through the tough times in life that makes us better people all the time. 

The day major changes happened in my life, they were just normal days, same ole same ole things ,and in an instant ....my life changed forever. I reflect on my days of life that changed who  I was, what I thought was important, and often wonder if I could  have ever seen that happening ...if I would have paid more attention? I think we all do that is some form or another.

 Life is meant to be lived. I have had times that I wasn't living my life to it's full potential of happiness. Where I settled for less than what I wanted and and less than I truly deserved just to be comfortable in a uncomfortable life. Living life isn't easy. Letting go, starting over, and stepping outside of our comfort zones to find happiness. Happiness is more important to me now, than it has even been a day in my life before.  You only get one life, it isn't about the job that makes all the money, it isn't about the fancy house and nice cars, it isn't about having the best clothing, let me tell you none of those things even matter a fraction of a percent when you are fighting for your life. None of those things would make a single bit of difference when you are no longer here. 

There have been many times since I have gotten sick that I would sit and look around my house. Looking at all the stuff that I spent my hard earned money on, things I just had to have, and now I wish I could just get rid of it all. I thought about "What if something happened and I didn't make it through this? Where would all my stuff go.... I would leave this earth with every thing I have ever owned left behind.  Left for someone else to take care of after I was dead and gone. It made me sad to think of something so awful, but when you have no idea if you even have a tomorrow, you think about those things. It's almost as if you have to think about those things. As painful as those things can be.  

I am a very raw person, I say what I think and I write about what I feel. In doing so, I am able to release so much frustration and anxiety that I have in my life, that I would be someone totally different if I weren't able to express myself this way. This blog has been an outlet for me. The days that I was fearing death the most, I would log in, start writing, and I was able to turn almost all that negativity I was feeling, into something more inspiring through my own words. 

I was relieved that the cancer has not spread. That the tumors on the right side are 90% gone, and I have to tell  you all I feel like a million dollars. I still hurt in my side, I have pains in my legs, and I have another procedure tomorrow to burn the tumors on the left side, but all in all I am up, I am living life, I was out shopping, having dinner,hanging with family and friends,  and going to the movies over this fourth of July weekend. It has made all the days I laid in the bed and couldn't move, and all the times I have hugged the toilet worth every second of going through .....

Through this journey I have never wanted any one to feel sorry for me. I wanted to share my struggles, I wanted the people that had no idea what cancer means in someone's life, how it feels, What it looks like. And how it affects everyone that loves person with the disease.Before I got sick, I would hear of someone (I didn't really know) that they come down with cancer, and it was bad. I have to be honest, I thought they are not going to make it. Sometimes the person did and sometimes the person didn't. But, my point is... I thought cancer was a complete death sentence. I thought liver cancer was my death sentence. I don't feel that way anymore. What I want out of this disease is:

To be a better person
To find a way to share comfort to others
To give back all that I have been given since I have been sick
To hear the words "Cancer Free"
To get up everyday and know that I am going to live the best life I possibly can
To know that the people that have loved me through this know every day how unbelievably grateful I am for them and their love. 

   No matter the stage of the disease, where it is located, how fast or slow it grows, it's a word, it's a monster, is a problem that is so deeply hurtful to deal with day in and day out. I have had a lot of people tell me "I admire your strength, if it were me, I would be in bed feeling sorry for myself" I have thought about that so many times. You know... You never ever know what you will do ... Until you are faced with a situation. The thing about life is no matter what you have going on with yourself, life continues to go on. The world doesn't stop for our pain, or our sorrows, the world will always continue to go on with or without you.  I personally want to leave part of me behind. I want to share my heart and soul because the generations to come, I possibly will never meet, I want them to know... Their great great great grandmother was a fighter. My own grandmother (my mom's mom) died when my mother was 16, of breast cancer. You know what I know about her in my mind, is that she got sick. My mom had gone to party and came home kissed her mom, my mom told her if you want me to kiss you again, raise your finger, my mom kissed her and she died right then. That's the extent of a life that I know anything about, A woman that created a person that created me. My grandfather was a writer, he could have kept  a journal of her journey through cancer, and he didn't. Never have I seen anything he ever wrote about her, I don't think there is anything left, if he ever even wrote anything at all about her. . He wrote things I do have but honestly, nothing means more to mean that something from the heart and life of another person.

I am never going to be rich or famous. I know that I am simply just a single mom that has made more than my fair share of mistakes in my life, but to me and the ones that love and care for me I am a star. . I have caught a lot of grief from people over the years, thinking I think I am better than most. You know what I have never had the confidence that everyone seems to think that I have. What I have is a caring heart and soul and for me that has brought be further in life than ever having confidence. I put myself out there not because I am not afraid, but because I feel that I have to. It's a calling. It's this strong desire to share myself with people in the world I may never get the chance to meet or even know that gives me the courage to write the words and stories that I do. 

I saw someone that I know the other day write a post on Facebook:

I LOVE one of the rap songs that is popular today. I'm fascinated by the lyrics and appreciate the vulnerability in the words. I wish I had the courage to be so vulnerable many days.

This person is a leader in the church, that speaks the word of God, that is a beautiful person inside and out, I have reflected on her status for many days. And I suppose, the last sentence is what gets to me. I see this person as a leader, the courage of a lion, and vulnerable enough to stand in front of a congregation and share herself with so many to inspire them in their lives to lead them to God. I want her to know she has the courage and all the vulnerability in the world that she wants and that should lead her into new directions of hope and encouragement.  RP you are awesome! I wish I were more like you. I am better at writing my words on a computer screen than I ever will be standing before a crowd. 

We all are things that we never realized we are. We are leaders in how we raise our children,how we handle our relationships, and what we feel about ourselves. No one has a perfect life, it simply can not exist.  Some people hide their lives, they spend so much time trying to keep people from seeing into the inner side of their lives, because the outside looks so picture perfect. It's heartbreaking that they can not allow the world to see them for whom they are. I just believe in being honest. I believe that in sharing my life with the truth that I may just inspire someone else to believe that things in their own lives can honestly get better. 

Today, 5 months into this disease and I am having my  first cup of coffee that... Taste good, and that I have not thrown away with only a few sips missing. I am excited. Changes they happen to us all every single day. Never underestimate the unexpected and be prepared for anything... Because that's .....What life is all about.... 

I start a new journey tomorrow in the recovery of this disease. I am afraid, I hate the unknown, but what I I feel more than fear ...is this amazing desire to be cancer free. I have blindly gone into every aspect of my recovery, I have been afraid but not faltered from the plan. I know that I am in good hands, I have an amazing doctor, and I believe in him and therefore; my fears are less than that might normally have been! 

It hurts to know that this procedure could put me down for a while again, especially since I am feeling so good, I just have to believe that we never get where we are suppose to be without a little pain in life. I might not be able to write my blog for a few days, don't worry .. I am going to make it through this.. I will be back.... And sharing this journey of life for many days to come. 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me.. .....   

Blog #40 AMAZING THINGS HAPPENING.....

I am going to do my best to get through this blog without crying my eyes out.  When I began this journey through cancer on 2/6/2014.... I had no idea what this meant in my life. My picture today is of me and my sweet, Evan Raine and what we think about cancer! 

 I had no idea if I would even be alive in 6 months. The cancer was consuming my liver and all I heard out of the mouth's of every single doctor I met with... "It's really bad" Those words ring in your mind and heart. They were repeated through memory many times. The times I was most afraid. The times I was all alone. The times I didn't even feel good enough to lift up my head.  Those words stung like a million bee's many times over the last 5 months of my life. 

I had a hard time looking into my little girls' eyes and telling her I was getting better every day, because honestly, I wasn't sure that I even believed it. I knew I was fighting with every thing I had in side me.. to beat this cancer but ,I knew deep in my heart how bad it really was. The one thing that had always given me hope was that my liver has been functioning at 100%. The cancer had not caused any damage to my liver at all.

 I worried that the radiation (Y-90) treatment would hurt my liver (which it has not). I had several oncologist around the country telling me that they would not do the Y-90 treatment. That it should be a LAST resort. It could cause damage to the liver and they would not do it. If I would have listened to them I would not today be 90% tumor free on the right side of my liver. I wonder what those doctors would say now?????  They could have made me make another choice in my treatment and be on chemo as they said for the rest of my life and make me feel bad.... and kept me from having a normal life again. They had the opportunity and they gave me the advice not to do the treatment. Thank God we didn't listen. I had found out about the Y-90 in the beginning of the disease and I decided to search my options. That is part of being afraid of making the wrong choice, and part of getting wrong information from doctors that seem to care more about me getting my chemo treatments from them instead of doing this procedure and being 90% tumor free.  I have learned that as long as the person that is in charge of your care, truly cares about you as a patient and a person, that is the person you should trust. I wanted to give my Dr. Abbas Chamsuddin a big hug yesterday and instead I shook his hand. I love him. He has done amazing things that no one else cared a thing about doing for me and that's saving my life and giving me the chance to be cancer free. I love him and I would recommend him to anyone.  I am sure I get on his nerves at times and I am very inquisitive about every thing but I like to be in the know... as to what is going on with me.  The traditional medicine route is not always the traditional medicine route. I trusted my whole heart into someone that I hoped had a way of killing these tumors inside my liver. Not once and still not now has he gave me a promise of anything. I just can see when we communicate the concern not only for me but for my family in helping to rid my body of this disease. Nothing is guaranteed but I know if anyone had a chance of making this happen for me,  it was him. I would hope that through my journey someone else facing the same life altering things that I am would consider reaching out to Dr. Chamsuddin too, he will not steer you wrong and he will care about your recovery as much as he has cared about mine. The man has a heart of gold when it comes to his patients and that is something no medical degree can give anyone. A doctor with a heart and compassion is the best doctor to have. 

Yesterday, was my mama's birthday.She gave me the greatest gift. I know she is fighting for my life in heaven as much as I am fighting for my life here....  I had the pet scan the day before because if the news was bad I didn't want it on her birthday. I got pretty good news from Dr. Chamsuddin the day before saying it got 60% of the tumors but I could see the sense of unhappiness that it had not gotten it all. Most doctors, like us would have been happy with 60% but not him. I went back yesterday with the old pet scan and the new one and he realized it had gotten more than he thought, 90%.. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream with excitement, except I am one of those that the news has to sink in. I have to think about it, I have to analyze it all in my mind. I slept good last night and woke this morning feeling like I have been given a second chance at life and how simply amazing that feels. 

Throughout this journey I have been nothing with honest. I have had more fear in the last 5 months than I ever knew I could feel. I have cried more tears than I ever knew could be inside my body. I have worried and been to the brink of not sure if I would ever get up and out into the world again, and here I am today. 90% of the cancer on the right side is gone and now I go and have another procedure on July 8th, to burn the ones on the left side off of my liver. I am going in this procedure stronger than I did the last time. I am hopeful that by the end of the summer I can be cancer free. I can stop the chemo and I can live a normal life again. I will certainly be closely monitored and today I have more hope for a long life than I have in a very long time.  GO TEAM CHRISTY! 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me and know that I am a VERY lucky person to have all and to be all that I am!