Blog #75.... Another Chance At Remission.......Revised Blog

I posted this all happy blog below and then got heartbreaking news... my cancer maker has gone from 168 to 300 ... I can not stop the tears from coming out of my eyes. I have worked so hard, I have done every single thing I am suppose to do and then I get this set back and I want to just scream .. I have been moving full speed ahead and then to get this kind of news hurts me so deeply. I just want this nightmare to be over and it's just that crappy slap in the face reminder that I am not the one in control of this. I don't determine anything that happens. Then on top off that bad news, I got a call that my procedure has been moved until next Monday. Ugh. 

 I could let this determined the rest of my day, I could sit here and cry but instead I am taking off early and going to take my little girl to see Annie at the movies.. because she loves me and because she would never want me sitting and crying over this... My brother just said that the marker might have something to do with the iron pills or the metformin I have been given for the increase in my glucose levels, which has been  created by the steroid I have to take with the chemo. Every action has a reaction.. My brother is right! I am not in control of any of this. I do what I am suppose to do and I take the good with the bad news and roll with it. My fear is I deal with this the rest of my life.. The reality is I will deal with this the rest of my life. I know that I am not going to go into remission and be there forever. This cancer will possibly and probably come back, it's the reality I have to face. I don't want to have to face it but  I have to. I am okay now, the tears have stopped. I had my little pity party and cried my eyes out and realize that how far I have come and where I still have left to go. I knew that I wasn't in remission and if this little set back were to control my destiny I would never get there. I am stronger then this monster and it may have a small victory today for whatever reason but it hasn't seen this Monday coming yet. 

I wanted to hide this from the world. I didn't want anyone to know but it's part of the journey and for me I would rather share it all than not share any of it. Say a little prayer for me today and know that I am okay, I am stronger than this heartbreaking news.. today and always. 


7 more days and I am back to Newton Medical Center with Dr. Chamsuddin.  It's hard to believe the last procedure I had was 2 months ago. Wow! I have had a lot of time to heal, other than the times that I have had to take the chemo, I am feeling  really good. This is my on week of chemo and I am having the procedure instead. I am hoping it's a quick in and out and I am done. That the last 5 spots of this monster get's it's due and I am done with this mess.

 I started thinking the other day what I am going to do when I am no longer having to fight this monster every day. When I am done with the procedures and done with the chemo treatments considering it has consumed the last year of my life... I have big plans. I have some doctors I plan to go and see. I have people telling me not to waste my time, that they won't listen. When I am there in front of them standing in  remission..I don't think they can help but listen to me! I have politician's I want to see. I want to fight for the right of every single patient that is facing my same disease to have their own choice of life, that they are given all the options that are FDA approved and given the same chance at HOPE that I had been given! Because most times patients are not given these options by their Oncologist.

 Prime example: I have a new friend I met on a support group page on FB for my same form of cancer! She is a sweetheart. I saw she posted the other day that she saw another doctor for a second opinion (1.5 years after being on chemo for her cancer) and this doctor suggested Y-90... I was tickled until I continued reading that she discussed that with her Oncologist and he said she would have to be off chemo for 2 months before she could do it. I wanted to jump through the computer screen, I instantly called her and told her I didn't even start doing chemo until the week after my first Y-90. I begged her to do the Y90 and I hope that she will. I can't make people do things but I can tell them of the success I had ... I had 18 tumors and she has one. The chemo has not shrunk her tumor nor has it grown really but it's there she needs it gone. She has a chance she has a doctor willing to do it, I hope to God she does. I pray for her every night. She knew about the Y90 from me posting on the FB page about my own success so she was excited about learning more. It's not about learning more really it's about seeing if you are a candidate for the treatment and going for it. 
Wouldn't it be great to hear about her remission too? I want to get to know the best Interventional Radiologist all across the country so I can refer every person I met in their city to them. Other people have hobbies. I have a mission!




 I started writing a letter to one of the doctors and honestly a letter would not do justice for what I have endured to prove that I made the right  choice when I was told It wasn't the right choice for me. This isn't about "I told you so " as much as it is about my hearts desire to help save other people. I have this burning desire inside of me to make a difference. To show these doctors that are old school text books that something more can be done than just chemo and your patient dying. There are people with my same disease that I know that would never ever do what I have done. They are not risk takers but what they don't realize is they are risking their lives taking chemo. I went for it. I chose to go off the yellow brick road to find my chance at life and I was willing to risk my life for it. I was not promised anything. I was not told it would save my life. I was told "It's your only Hope" and with hope I had a chance and I was willing to chance my life for HOPE! I just know that this disease is my calling, my calling to do something about it, in hopes to change the world. I may not get through to every one I meet ...but it won't be for the lack of effort! 


Like most people.... I wanted to live. I didn't want to die. I searched every avenue. I did everything. I knew if I was going to die, I was going to give this disease every single thing I had inside of me. I wanted my girls and family to be proud of me. I wanted them to know life is worth taking the risk! 

This blog is bigger than me and my disease this blog is about HOPE and about helping others, so as I heal and head closer to remission know that I am not done writing, my journey with this disease has just began even if I no longer have it to fight.... I will fight for the rights of others. 

I am not going to lie about this... it's hard watching other people losing their battles with this disease to hear how someone is dying and reading the pain that a family member is writing about ... I sometimes think it might be to much for me and then I step aside from it for a minute and I continue to share my story of hope! I think hope is contagious and I think that it can make a difference no matter the circumstances! It's part of my journey there are good things and there are bad things I will see and hear and I just have to stay focused on my mission and reach out as much as I can to make my own difference in the world. 

Don't cry for me Pray for me... Please pray for me and my family as we face what we hope is the last procedure of  healing me from this horrible disease. Every prayer is heard and every prayer counts. 

Don't cry for me, Pray for me! : Blog #74... When Hope is all you have.... Risking ...

Don't cry for me, Pray for me! : Blog #74... When Hope is all you have.... Risking ...: Do you know the feeling when you look at something (a picture for example) and you put a simple word with it.... and it changes the way th...

Blog #74... When Hope is all you have.... Risking it all

Do you know the feeling when you look at something (a picture for example) and you put a simple word with it.... and it changes the way that you look at that one thing?  This morning I posted two pictures on facebook they were of my two daughters and grandson and simply said "My legacy" and tears immediately rolled down my cheeks. It took me back to that initial shock of being told by so many doctors that I would not make it..... that I would not have the chance to see my little girl and grandson grow up. Nor would I see my daughter  find her happily ever after, with the man of her dreams, and walk down the isle. Ugh.... Those thoughts hurt so badly and I remember the pain and the nights I cried myself to sleep. The days and nights that I could only sit and write my kids letters to be left in my desk drawer for them to be found once I was dead and gone. 

When you are told that your life could end ...and it could end quickly, there is never enough time to prepare yourself for that... There is always that hope that things could just simply turn themselves around and the destination of your life be altered and you live a long life. 

I have been given that chance. I tell people all the time I was to either take the road of certainty... meaning death as the statistic of my disease said would happen or I could RISK IT ALL...I risked it all, and by God's Grace, a incredibly skilled doctor, my determination to live, and all the prayer's.... I survived. I am blessed and sometimes I even get mad at myself because I feel that I should be doing more with this second chance but I have to remind myself I am still fighting this monster myself. I am just one person, I am fighting this horrible disease, working full time, being a mom, and trying to stretch my story across the world of other cancer patients to help inspire and maybe help in saving the life of someone else. It's important to me. It's not that I want to be this world leader in thinking that I know how to cure cancer, I don't ... I just know that when someone is told there is "NO HOPE" there is someone else that can give you back the hope that someone else ripped away. 

I remember the scrambling to find answers.. Traveling the country, wasting money just in hopes to hear that someone had this miracle pill I could take that would make this all go away. There  was no miracle pill. I would have done the Y90 sooner and immediately ...if the hospital pathology department didn't first say that I did not have cancer. That sent my life into a tailspin especially when it wasn't just the first biopsy but the second, and then a few days later I get a call... it is cancer and it's bad.  I ran everywhere I could to make things right for me. I didn't want to die. I feared I would tho. I feared the worse so many times and then I would tell myself how I wasn't going to give this stupid monster that satisfaction. If it was to take my life I would go down fighting as hard as I could and I have done that.  I have heard all my life that your attitude makes all the difference in situations like this... I thought they were just words .. Until it completely applied to my own life and believe me if I were to have just fed into the negativity of these doctors and if I would have believed what they said (they are doctors and they know it all... Right???) not a chance in hell.... look at me. I am a prime example of how WRONG they really can be.

 It's not even about being right or wrong it's about the fact that so many of them were not open about the Y-90 and told me it was a last resort. It was my 1st I chose like I said earlier to GO FOR IT.. What did I have to lose? Maybe I could have died a month or two sooner but I had the chance to live 5,10,15,50 years longer than I would have if I had not Risked it all. Some people go with What will be... and to afraid to go with What could be... I have been a what could be kind of person my whole life. I have risked it all in every aspect of my life ... So I felt why not risk it with my health too! 

 I really had more of a chance of an upside than a downside. I remember my cancer marker went sky high and my tumors had grown a little on the scan after alternative medicine and I called Dr. Chamsuddin and told him I had an updated scan and I wanted to see if he would look at it. I drove down to the hospital and he looked me in the eyes and said...  "Your only hope is the Y-90, Christy" In that one moment everything was clear, I knew what I had to do and I knew who I wanted to do this with... Dr. Chamsuddin took interest in myself and my family from the very first day of the initial biopsy I am not sure if it was that he just wanted to treatment for the first time at the hospital or if he was eager and ready for a challenge but he gave me the confidence to GO FOR IT!!! Everything got scheduled and there were snags with my insurance and all kinds of things, so many obstacles but we faced them, over came them and here I am 2 Y-90's and 9 ablations and a chemoemobolization later... Almost free of this monster.

 That one day defined the rest of my life. The choice had to be mine. I had to be the one person on this earth willing and ready to risk it all. Thank God I made that decision. I don't know if I would have made the same decision  if it had been any other Interventional Radiologist, I know that for a doctor like Dr. Chamsuddin he has seen a lot of people with this same problem, where the loved ones are so upset and supportive but the day he met me he walked into that biopsy room and there was me, and 5 or 6 other people standing there waiting for him ... and he knew I was so loved, he never really had to say that but he was surprised to see everyone standing there. It's not easy to have the pressures that I have put on him not only with my friends and family there with me but that I write so much about this journey, he says I put pressure on him, I think he likes it, pressure makes us better, stronger, more determined to succeed. He has been a huge part of my life over this last year and when he is done with me I hope that he will know long after we see one another again he will always be my HERO!  He gave me back my life in his own skillful way and I can not explain how that feels in my heart and soul because words can't describe what heaven may look like because none of us have ever seen it, but heaven is how this second chance makes me feel I am lucky enough to live another day and as many years as this body will allow me to live. 

Living life is so hard. Every time I turn around I am seeing the sorrow of someone else losing a loved one to one situation or another. Tragedies happen in an instant and that instant never goes back to the way life use to be. I don't live every day carefree and happy as I should I allow outside factors to get to me at times I just realize the insignificance of things when it truly relates to my life and let it go... I have just start learning how to do that. I have been a "People Pleaser" my whole life now I am a "Christy Pleaser" and if you fit into my life the way that you should then I am willing to help in pleasing you too. For the haters of the world that have never seen "ME" than they have missed out on someone special to love them. My status on FB today is ... I walk the walk .... that I talk, do you?

As I am less than a week from what I HOPE and PRAY is the last procedure, I find myself getting more anxious...I am just ready to have it done and over with... I just want to get in there be put to sleep and wake up with a smile on my face .... 

Don't Cry for Me... Pray For Me..... we are almost there, thanks for traveling this journey with me. 

Blog# 73... Don't come running when you think it might be too late.....

Eight more days.... and then  I am back... for what I hope is my last procedure. I'm actually looking forward to it. It's  amazing that it will be two months gone by since the last time I was in the hospital. I guess that is why I am not dreading it as much as I normally do. I am just ready to have this disease gone. I am ready to scream out to the world "I am in Remission" That day isn't even something that I can wrap my mind around at the moment. I don't know how to  feel something that isn't  the truth so I can't say what being in remission is truly going to feel like for me. I just know that it's going to be amazing and I have worked hard to get to that point. 

Yesterday was a day that put perspective on things for me... Something very simple, yet very profound...

I was walking outside of my front door to meet Evan from getting off the bus after school.. I was taking her to sign up for gymnastic's. She has been wanting to go for months and I have not committed to signing her up because of being sick and never knowing how I was going to feel. I was willing to wait to sign her up when I knew that I could not only make the commitment to the class but to my little girl. The last thing I ever wanted to do was to hurt my daughter in any way and disappointing her with me not feeling good enough to take her would have hurt us both. ...

 As I walked outside my neighbor came practically running over into my yard, saying "Christy, oh Christy" It took me by surprise. I looked at him as he continued saying "I am so glad to see you, my wife and I saw the ambulance in front of your house last night and we were so scared" I looked at him and asked "Ya'll thought the ambulance was for me?" He said "Yes, we sure did, I am sorry" I said "Don't apologize I am doing good" I was nice and quickly excused myself from the conversation and cut him off. What was important to me was telling my little girl I was taking her to sign up for gymnastic's. Let me explain my thoughts a little further. The fact that him and his wife saw the ambulance in front of my house last night ... and he comes running over afraid something had happened to me with such a caring heart... Well they have known I have been sick for 1 year and not one other day during that year have either one of them bothered to come over and check on me, and when they think something is wrong (like so many other people) they come running feeling guilty or whatever they must be feeling that I became a priority in their day all of the sudden. I am not here to make other people feel good when they realize how they should have been when they are thinking it's too late to change things.  I just have no time for people that have no time for me! Life has slapped me across the face on numerous occasions and you know what? I have learned the lessons, took the initial pain and have realized I am better off without some people in my life. I am a very honest person. I don't sugar coat a single thing. If I don't like something I don't pretend to like it. I am not going to just agree with someone because it's easier. I am going to be "ME" and I am going to stand for who I am. I am not a thief, nor a liar, I am honest to a fault, and I do write a lot about the things I do in my part of life to make someone else feel better. It's not about tooting my own horn, it's about hoping to make someone else realize there are other people in the world and how good it actually feels to help others.  

Reading this blog you may think my attitude with my neighbor was mean as I cut him off. I am not sorry for that. I am sorry that the world is so focused on themselves sometimes that they can not reach out to someone else in their time of need and just lend a shoulder to cry on. I was also thinking this morning as a song came on the radio, a song that made my mind go directly to the thought of slow dancing. The intimidate moments that I have missed over the last year. The feeling of being held close cheek to check and slow dancing body to body. I miss  that. I could almost feel the warmt of slow dancing in that moment and realized I need to go out and slow dance with someone. I need to feel that sense of comfort. I have been in a relationship for 6 years and I have been longing for comfort over this last year and through this disease and realizing all the things I have settled for and missed out on  in life I realize what I will  not settle for any longer. This disease will forever change who I am .... I deserve to be happier than I ever have before. For some unknown reason God has chosen to spare my life and I can only assume that he plans for all the rest of the days of my life to be happy and fulfilled and not living a meaningless lie with someone that doesn't feel the need nor the desire to comfort me.  I said I am honest to a fault and sugar coating a lie doesn't make it the truth! 

 I don't know what my personal life holds but I do know that I have something bigger than me to fulfill with the world and I am going to do all I can to not just be a person focused on what the world can give me but what I have been given to offer to the world. 

Don't cry for me ....Pray for me! I wanted it all and settled for less,. no more .. We can have it all if we are willing to wait for it! 

Blog #72 ..Chemo and how the treatments work....

I had a friend from high school come and sit with me at chemo this week. I have seen her randomly over the years out and about, but not had a chance to really sit down and us talk about things in a long time. It was great seeing her and it's amazing the people that take time out of their day to come and keep me company, it means a lot. 

Before I went back for my treatment, as we were sitting together in the lobby she asked about what goes on with chemo. I guess I thought that people knew what chemo was about and what happens when I go for my treatments. I realized I was wrong and therefore, I have decided to share that part of the story with you all today so that it's not a mystery and there are no real assumptions about how it works. 

I get there and sign in, I am called back and taken into a little room where they take my blood pressure, temperature, and check my oxygen levels. Next they  take this alcohol swab thing that they rub on the port area on my chest for about 45 seconds to clean the area. The port is surgically inserted into my chest, which I had done on my first visit with Dr. Chamsuddin. The port gives them access to  your veins  without having to put a needle into veins  each time you get the treatments. The port for me is uncomfortable sometimes. It sticks out on my chest more than most, because I am thin... but it serves the purpose of what I need it for so I really have no choice but to leave it there. Some people have them in their arms and that would frustrate me so I am glad it is in my chest.  After cleaning the area there is a plastic line that has a needle like thing on the end that they insert into your chest that snaps down into the port so that it can access taking your blood and for giving you the treatments. It's not that painful and there is an ointment that I was prescribed at the the very beginning that you can put on an hour before you go that will numb the area, I always forget to use...so I guess the pain isn't that bad. When they are accessing the port you have to wear a mask, every single person in the room has to wear one. Most people that come with me, step out because they don't like seeing all of that. Believe me I understand. I have gotten to be a pro at it over the last 8 months. I could almost do it all on myself these days. I don't think they would let me tho. 

Once they have drawn the blood and they have used saline and heparin pushed into the line to keep the line cleared out and accessible they cover the port area with a plastic bandage and we are able to take off the mask then. I am excused to the transfusion area  where I pick a recliner and find my friends I sit with each week to catch up on how things have gone with each of us. It takes about 20 minutes for the blood work to be processed. They do that to make sure your white cell count, and platelet's, along with a few other things are good enough that your body can withstand the chemo treatment for the week. The nurse get's the results and comes over and goes over everything and they get you all set up for the treatment. 

It works just like getting fluids at the hospital with the line in your arm, there are lots of tubing and the tubing connects to the port and the medicine goes in. Each week I first get a 20 minute bag of nausea medicine, steroid, and then the chemo... The whole process from walking into their doors to when I leave is 3 hours. It seems like a long time but actually it's okay. I am mentally fine until the time for the chemo. I just hate when they come over all geared up in plastic dressings and have to administer the chemo... Something about them covering themselves up and me having to put that into my vein un-nerves me each time. I do it though even though I do not like it. 

The bell rings on the administering machine and I am happy to be getting out of there. I am on the same schedule 2 weeks on and 1 week off. I have not always done my treatments that way because of all the procedures I have had but I am there in their office every week regardless getting my blood work done. I have not missed a week being there. I don't see the doctor but every 3rd week and sometimes I just see the PA. We just go over my progress and wait for the cancer marker and the cancer to be completely gone off the pet scan and then we are going to make a plan. I have a plan in my mind. Clear pet scan 2 more treatments and I am done. Let's hope this next procedure gets all the remaining cancer and I can be on this plan I have have so diligently set up in my mind. 

My friend the other day thought that you got into a machine and the lasers gave you the chemo that is what made me decide to share the story of how this chemo process works. People don't know.I didn't know ... It's not as simple as it may seem but it's not as hard as it could be either. 

I have to share a story of a loss of someone that I never met but had the chance to try to help. I was referred to talk to someone that was considering doing the same process of treatments that I have been through. The wife called me last week and she was so upset that she felt and saw that he was getting worse. I did a few things I thought I could do to help. I followed up this week to check on him and left a message. I had not heard back from her and saw on FB yesterday that a friend of mine was friends with the person and he had passed away. It broke my heart ...It's sad hearing of someone else loosing their life to this horrible disease. I wish that I could have saved him. I wish I could save the world. I am just me.... and I am still trying to save myself and hoping to do what I can for others along my own journey.  

Chemo this week went okay. I am actually feeling pretty good today which is rare. Maybe it's helping with me taking iron pills. Who knows, that is the only thing I changed. I am hoping to feel good this weekend but not actually expecting it. 

Thanks for following my blog. Hope you learned something today about chemo treatments and maybe if you or someone you love may be facing this you can have a better understanding of what to expect! 

Don't cry for me.... Pray for me.... 

Blog #71 Make the most of every single day!

I'm just getting through another down weekend of chemo. I have my treatments on Wednesday mornings and by Friday mid afternoon, I am down and out in the bed! Yesterday, was Sunday 1/4/2015 and it was my oldest daughters 25th birthday. I had to force myself out of the bed yesterday to go out and celebrate her birthday. I could have asked to go one night this week, and I am sure that she would have understood, but I didn't want to miss her birthday. I have never missed her birthday in 25 years and just because I have this stupid cancer..... I refused to allow it to hold me back on living my life..... no matter how bad I felt. 

On the ride over to the restaurant I felt fine, I guess the 45 minute wait for a table and  having to stand most of the time and smelling all the different foods, I felt so sick. I had to get up from the table as soon as we were seated and hug the toilet in a public place (first time I've ever had to do this) I just could not hold back the nausea any longer and I did my best to not make a big deal of it. I wanted to  cry though, I wanted to get my food to go and get home and back in the bed. I fought the urge to do so and I made the most of what was not such a good feeling for me. Last night wasn't about me, it was about Sam and I wanted things to be as normal as I could possibly make them, even if I was suffering inside for it. There are times in our lives we have to look past ourselves and do what is right for others. Everyone all day kept telling me not to go, I wasn't listening. I had to go... I had to celebrate my daughters birthday and I had to prove to myself that I would not allow this disease to control my whole life, and I did it.. Accomplishment number 685... 

It's a new year and I am up and at work. Still not feeling great but better than I did last night. I am ready to get back to work full time. I am planning 2015 to be my most successful year in the Insurance business so far! Things have been going good. I had a great year last year considering all that I have been through. I have written 228 new policies in 2014 and I am  proud that I have done so well considering all that I have been going through. I appreciate all my clients and they know if they need me I am a phone call away! That's the great thing about doing business on my cell phone, I am always accessible! 

Seems a couple of times a week I am hearing about someone else coming down with some form of cancer or another.  It's insane. I share my knowledge to the best of my ability. I am certainly no cancer expert, but I do know a heck of a lot more now than I did a year ago. I think the initial shock of being told you have cancer is the one of the most heartbreaking things you could ever hear. Every single person fears cancer in their lives. It's not a reality until it hits your life in one form or another, whether it's you or someone you know and love that get's the dreaded news. My sister and I were talking the other day about chemo, she said "I had no idea what chemo was about until you got sick and I came with you that first time" I didn't either. I had no idea what to expect. I know the day of my first biopsy I was about to lose my mind. I know I had never been more scared a day in my life as I was that day. I was horrified. I wanted to be told it wasn't cancer, I wanted to believe that this was just a nightmare that I was going to wake from any second. Never happened. I was sick. I was very very sick and yet, all I could do was believe that I could beat this. That I was going to do every single thing I possibly could to save my life. I was willing to walk to the edge of insecurity to live my life. I was willing to risk it all , all the days I had left to live to have the chance to live a longer and better life than I had before the cancer. It was a risk. There was no certainty in the outcome of what my life was going to be. Each time I was put to sleep and Dr. Chamsuddin did his thing, I was at risk of not making it through the procedure. I knew that in the very back of my mind, but I didn't allow it to control my decisions. I wanted my life more than I have ever wanted anything else. I was willing to fight for it, I am still fighting for it, and I will succeed what should have been and celebrating in what is going to be... Me in remission.  

Attitude is so important. I always thought that was a crock before now. I thought how can you make yourself believe if you want something bad enough it will happen. I am now a true believer in that,  I believe anything is possible that you set your mind to. I think I am a PRIME example of that. 

Life is worth  living whether you are sick or not. It's about continuing to live your life no matter what you are facing. We all face problems in our lives. I had a friend on FB one day write something like "Wish I were anyone but me" I made a simple comment.... "I would be glad to trade places with you" I haven't seen her post another negative comment like that. It's all about us and our own accountability in life. There are a lot of people that always blame everyone else for their shortcomings. Please... we make our own decisions we chose what we do and no one can force us to ever do anything. Accountability is an important part of growing and learning in life. I take credit for all my own shortcomings, I have learned something from every single one of them. most of the lessons I have hated to learn and hated to accept. But, I am better for them all. 

Life is short.. Not a single person on this earth knows when it will be there last day here. I say make the most of every day whether you are diagnosed with a terminal illness or you are just fighting demons from the past. Today is a new day. 2015 is a new year... I am going to be in remission from a disease that was suppose to take my life... What amazing thing are you going to do?

FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE... IT'S WORTH EVERY SECOND OF THE PAN!!!!! 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me!!!  So close to freedom of this disease and yet I continue to fight to make sure that I have the rest of my life to live. Be happy with you because sometimes you are the only person that can get you through to another day!