Blog #86 Third Y-90, Inner Peace, and Living Life.....

It's going to be another big week for me. I am scheduled for my third Y-90 treatment on this Thursday. I am more ready to get this done and over with than I am anxious for the procedure. I have a little anxiety but I am pretty good and secure  when it comes to getting this treatment. I am not put to sleep, I am just given a twilight injection. I am hoping the success of  this treatment is as good as the last two treatments were for me previously. 

I know that I am fortunate.... that I am able to have another injection and hoping that the treatment gets these new five tumors, and not only stops them in their tracks but will keep it  from anything else coming back! 

Life is really good. I am feeling good and I can honestly say that I have an inner peace that I have not had this entire journey. I have had a lot of fear. I allowed my mind to go to those "What if " places that any one would go to. I let myself fear life because I was so scared of dying. I just think that it's hard to be positive while you are fearing every thing that may or may not happen. I have told and forced my mind to stop.... to just appreciate the life I have . To enjoy life. To make plans. I didn't make plans and I made excuses saying that " I might not feel good" I don't do that anymore . I make plans and I have made my plans for my Mexico Girls Trip 60 days out and now we are 38 days from boarding the plane... It seemed like the time would never get here and we are now almost half way to the time to leave. I am glad now we didn't plan for April, May will give me enough time to get to feeling better and get my strength back. 

I had another person I met online contact me this week, I found myself giving some really good advice. I know each of us have our own journey and I know that we all have the same kind of things that run through our minds.  This person was saying how they needed to get their affairs in order just in  case. We should all have our affairs in order some of us are not even given a chance to fight for our lives some people die in an instant with a accident, a heart attack, or even a gunshot just being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Getting your affairs in order doesn't mean that you give up, it just means just in case something happens you have things in order for the people you leave behind. I have all my stuff together. I have my will made out. I have written letters to my little daughter, so far to the age of 16, I cry sometimes when I have written some of these letters but I think it makes me happier to know that I can be a part of those special days just in case I don't make it through this or anything else life has to throw at me. 

I decided that I am going to be happy ... Happiness is about letting go of the fears and letting your heart and mind  enjoy all the things you have in your life that you love doing! I don't miss any of my little grandson's ballgames. I go to Evan's gymnastic classes. I try my best to be a good mama, and grandmother. I just know that life is short no matter what you are facing and for me I think that you can be happy through anything you are facing in life. It's a choice and I totally chose happiness. 

I take a lot of pride in my job. I think with me continuing to work, my business servicing my customers and writing new business it really has helped me in my recovery. It has kept my mind busy and an I know that an idle mind can make you sicker in ways that you create yourself. I have not changed anything about my life over these last 14 months besides trying to get well from each procedure and chemo and being down and out for a few days. I have tried to remain "ME" I think there have been times that I felt that I had to change I had to be this person I didn't know. This sick person with cancer.  I no longer feel that way. I am me, I feel healthy and happy and I don't think I have to change anything ..... adjust maybe, sometimes but not change. 

I have found comfort in music too. Country, rock, whatever... I turn on Pandora and just pick whatever I am in the mood for. Sometimes.... I listen and cry and sometimes I dance like no one is watching.  I get in the car sometimes and some catchy song will come on and I just sing my lungs out. I love those uplifting, get you out of your seat kind of songs that just make you want to smile and be happy. When you get down and out about whatever you have going on in life... music can truly sooth the soul . I believe that!

No chemo tomorrow I think it will be to hard to do chemo this week and the Y-90..... so I am going in for blood work tomorrow and hopefully my counts will be up from what they were last week. I am feeling good tho. It's weird the lower my white cell count is the more energy I have another friend that does chemo with me said the same thing last week. Bodies are weird. 

I am happy with how I am looking these days. My hair is coming back but I am still wearing a wig. A friend saw the new wig picture I posted and asked if I went and had my hair done. She thought it was my real hair, which is a good thing but it's not. I just laughed because I thought if I had this great hair I would never wear a wig another day in my life. I keep thinking about all the people that can't afford to change wigs as much as I do. I don't wash them I just buy a new one. I need to be giving away some of the older ones I have ... If anyone is interested in them. I will be more than happy to mail them to you. Just a thought. 

Sunday is Easter, I was telling my little grandson's father last night at his ballgame that I got engaged on Easter in 2003. He had my engagement ring hidden in an Easter egg. It was sweet and cute. He was a good guy and he's happily married to someone else now. But I am always reminded of the engagement ring in the Easter egg this time of year. Another old boyfriend always teased me about that and said he was going to do the same thing one day, he never did. Good thing since we also broke up. Life is funny how certain times of the year or situations make us think of milestones in our life long since gone but not forgotten.

 I have every thing all ready for Easter my brother and I went to lunch today and I had him stop by Hobby Lobby on the way back to the office, poor thing, he called and got his vehicle and was sitting out in front of the store waiting on me after me taking so long, he has waited on me more in the last 14 months... than he ever did before. When we did mortgages he opened my own office to get me out of his hair and now he doesn't leave my side. He is the best brother in the world. I know his heartache as been more than he would have ever let me see or know over these last 14 months but we had a long talk last week and I told him we have done all we can do. We have gone near and far, high and low, up and down, and all around to cure me and there is no stone that we have left unturn and we can not live  the rest of our lives worried about what could happen. It will happen no matter what we want,my fate is truly in God's hands and I am at peace with it all. I want to live and I do believe I am a miracle but the fear of what could be can drive a person insane... We have to live and we have to live to be happy and worrying about things we can not control will not do that for either one of us. 

I have another friend that has cancer I am good friends with his brother and the brother has told me more than once that his brother was at peace with things. I could not understand how in the world he could be at peace. I thought I could never be at peace with my disease and it's just another thing I was wrong about. Life is what it's going to be.. I do not control the future. I can do my best as I have and will continue to do so but I have to find the peace that lies within us all at some point or another in our lives where we just let go of the control and just live. I want to live. I am happier. I cry don't get me wrong but I don't have the questions in my mind like I did, because I won't allow it. I want to spend whatever time I have left on this earth inspiring others, being happy and spending time with the people I love, I have truly seen and felt what love is about over these last 14 months. I have been consoled  by some amazing people. People that have given of their hearts to me and my family and not expected anything in return and I am so grateful for them all. It's really hard to find true and good friends when you need them. You don't have to find them... They find you and boy have I been fortunate to have had them come to be with me without reservation or fail when I have needed them. I am a giver and at first it really took a lot for me to accept what I have been given without trying to offer something in return.  I have learned to accept and say Thank you .. because I know that they would not be doing the things they have for me if they didn't want to do it. 

It's kind of funny. My little Evan was playing on the playground over last weekend at my nephews ballgame and we told her not to wear her boots because she would want to play, she didn't listen (she can be a little hard headed like her mama) anyways, she wore them and got hurt. Chris thought that she tore her ACL. We brought her home and she cried in pain and cried in pain so  we took her to Newton  Medical Center, by the time the PA came into see her, she was up walking, 2 hours after the injury she was fine, but we were already there so we waited and just had her checked out anyways. Her dad, step mom, and little sister all came too. It was a family reunion.  They said they were glad to see me, he had not seen me even picking up Evan every other weekend because I was always home in my pj's with my wig off and I refused to let him see me.They said they had asked Evan how I was and she said ... I was in the bed a lot.  He said they had assumed the worse but it was so reassuring and refreshing to see me looking and feeling so good I just I just had not thought about it. I know I put my selfie's on facebook a lot only because I want people to see I am looking and feeling good. It's been an important part of this process as I so publicly share my journey through this horrible disease. 

No word from Obama yet on my letter, I may not hear a word but hoping that it reaches him and tugs at his heart strings enough to want to do something to not only help me but others in my same situation. When I did the Y-90 and had such great success with it I was determined to make sure every oncologist gives every patient in my position the opportunity to do the treatment but looking deeper into this the first step is making sure that these insurance companies will pay for it first. It's the steps the process of helping others that seem to be changing in my desire and hopes in making a difference.Even if these people are getting the information for the Y-90 they may not be able to have it because it will not be approved by their insurance carriers. That is why I started my petition to make my insurance carriers accountable and to help change the path for not only myself but for other people as well. I hope that through my journey I can make a difference. I am no  Florence Nightingale,I am just me... Christy Hicks a woman that has a  desire to do something bigger and better for the success of not only myself but for others along my own road I am traveling . 

I'm excited about the future.  I am hoping the Y-90 does it's job and does it as perfectly as it has the past two times. I hope that I go to Mexico and have the greatest time and enjoy the memories I get to make with some very good and special friends. I hope that my petition continues to grow and spread  my message that medical necessity should be determined between the doctor and patient.  I did not realize that I could read message from people that signed the petition, there was one that meant the world to me ... Everyone deserves their mother. I took that one to heart and hope you will too because it is true. You can sign my petition on the right side of the blog on a desktop version, and you can also chose to share it on FB the more this gets out into the world the better off I and everyone else traveling now or in the future with this disease will have their own chance at getting this treatment to save their lives. When you do something not only for yourself but for others along the way how could it not be a great thing?

Don't cry for me ... Pray for me....  Life is so great and I plan to live mine to the fullest as should you. 

Blog #86... Y-90, Easter Bunny, and Living life one day at a time.....

Excited...I am  getting ready to have the next Y90 treatment next week. Hoping these new tumors get this treatment and die before they have any sort of chance to grow inside me. 

I am feeling great. I am looking great. I am up to the highest weight I have been in over 13 months @ 140! Woo Hoo...... It's like a really big  accomplishment. If no one else does it.... I pat myself on the back. I have struggled with my weight over these months of treatments and to be stable and I am where I like. I think Dr. Chamsuddin would like to see me with a little more weight on but that's for another time. I set my goal at 140 and I am good with that, for now. I did it. I knew I could and I wanted it so bad that I have fought to put on the weight and besides no one says "You are to skinny" anymore. 

Another day of great news on yesterday.... My cancer marker came in at the lowest EVER since being told I had cancer... 159. The normal range is 0-34 which to have gone from 8800 to 159 I will take it all day long. The cancer marker measures the cancer in your bloodstream so you see why I am so HAPPY about that?  Chemo has been a lot easier on my body these last few times, I will take it.

No chemo this week, and I'm  suppose to do it next Wednesday. Since the Y-90 isn't scheduled yet, I am in limbo if I will do it next week or not. I just know... I will either have the Y-90 next week, or the chemo! I find that even the minor change downward in my tumor marker makes me happy. I have never questioned when it went down if it was 300 points or 10 either was good for me. Down is down, The times I have had a tough time with are when it goes up. I like the victories in the smallest of things these days.....

Easter is coming. One of my most favorite holiday's. I just love the Easter Bunny. I'm looking forward to spending time next weekend with my family and just hoping that if I do have the Y90 this week (that I am planning on) I will feel good enough for the festivities. My sweet girl will be with her dad for the entire  spring break ... It's hard to take care of her when I am not feeling well, and they are heading to the beach for 6 days so she will have a blast even while mama is laid up and recovering. I would prefer her not be with me when I am having to recover, it's to much on a 6 year old to see. 

When I was first diagnosed I started writing letters for each of Evan's birthday, Her 7th birthday is April 18th and I feel an accomplishment in getting to tear up the 7th birthday letter I had written to her. I hope to be able to do that for all the years to come that I have written them for. I am one of those crazy writing mama's. I want things to be a certain way and I just wanted to make sure that if I had not gotten as far into a recovery as I have that she would have a letter from me. It brings tears to my eyes.... not tears of fear but tears of happiness I am still here and alive to rejoice in her birthday in a few weeks. You don't realize how important some things really are. 

Work is going great I am back full time (besides the times I sneak away & join my girlfriends and go downtown for shopping and a good meal) it's celebrate Christy's life time together, makes me feel good. 

All in all things are great... I am happy. I think the new tumors have taken me to a place in my heart and mind that I wish I had always been. I am calm. A calm that I had not known before. A real sense of peace. I wish I could describe it in words. I just realized instead of really always focusing my days on cancer and getting into remission. I am focused on my happiness and family and what really matters and living more for today instead of trying to make it to tomorrow. I think it helps me a lot. 

I started my petition online about Coventry One and Humana not covering my procedures I hope that you will take a look at it on the right side of my blog at the top and read what it says. To know that it's not just me facing these horrible obstacles . Someone asked me today, "How do you cope?" I replied "I want to live. I want to be here for my daughters and grandson so I decided a long time ago I just have to deal with whatever may be and I keep going" I have said a million times in the last 14 months "I don't want to die" I feared that so much.... no matter how much better... I was getting I still feared it and not until the new tumors came up did I accept that I will be fighting this and I will do my very best and I saw how more accepting of it I was. I deal with life one issue at a time and I smile and hope that nothing but great things are yet to come for me, in my life.  

It's been a great week and I hope next week is even better. Life is short and so I will do all I can today for tomorrow may never come. One more great thing... I love my new look! 

Thanks for reading, supporting, praying, and sharing my story.. It means the world to be. It's all about life and just really LIVING it. 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me... 

Blog #85 Letter to President Obama

3/24/2015

Dear President Obama,

I am reaching out to you with the fight for my life. I am a single mother from Loganville Georgia.  February 6, 2014 my life was changed forever. I went from being a healthy active citizen of this great country, to now being told I had stage four liver cancer (cholangiocaricnoma) and my life expectancy was a very small time frame. My disease is very progressed.  The liver has no feeling and therefore;  it is not detected early for that reason alone. It isn’t until the patient is in the late stage of the disease, when it starts affecting other things in the body, that’s when it can be found. As sad as that is, it’s the truth of this disease.

The reason I am writing to you is because not only was I paying for health insurance, but I had two individual health care plans that combined, I am paying over $800 a month for.  My claims are not being paid for by these two insurance carriers I pay my monthly premiums to.

The only option for even a little hope in my life was for me to have two different procedures which were  Y90 and ablations. Which I did have two Y 90’s last year along with ten ablations, all since the end of May last year.   Neither of the insurance companies I have coverage through have paid anything. My insurance carriers are Coventry One and Humana. These procedures are FDA Approved and yet they refuse to pay for the treatments. They state that the procedures are “Experimental and not deemed Medically Necessary” which is so far from the truth.

I was not given any hope at life President Obama, seven out of eight oncologists told me to take chemo and I would certainly be dead within 12 months if not much sooner. One hospital told my family to take me home and make me as comfortable as possible because there was nothing anyone could do to save me.  If I were like most patients in this country and believed what every doctor said (they are the professionals) I would be dead now and not sitting here writing and asking for your help.

I currently owe Newton Medical Center over $480,000 and I believe there can be no price tag out on a life. I believe that life is precious and every life is worth saving. That is what the core of this country is built on helping others. The Y90 and ablations have killed and destroyed all the existing tumors that covered 80% of my liver, and unfortunately there are five new tiny spots that need to be treated with the Y90 and it’s become an issue because of the outstanding balance I already have with the hospital. I am suppose to have this procedure next week and I hope that they will stretch themselves out in faith at this community hospital to help me in my fight for my life. I believe they will but I feel and know it is my obligation to make sure they get paid.

I have given you the very short version of this situation and ask that you have someone contact me that can research this and that can make sure the benefits in my insurance policies be used to my benefit for the maximum coverage that should be afforded in the policy without me having to go through extreme measures.

A bunch of denied claims for not being medically necessary that is saving the life of its member should be re-evaluated and determined by these insurance carriers that any life saved is medically necessary and a covered benefit under a insurance plan that focuses on life and good health of their members.

My contact information is as follows:

Mary C (Christy) Hicks

 Loganville, GA 30052

Cell Phone: 770-714-8454

Email address: singlemombook@gmail.com

Please help me, not only for me but for all the patients that come along after me that will need the same options to save their lives. The patients are not being told and most oncologists don’t like the treatment because they don’t believe that it will save lives…. I am living proof they are wrong. This cancer is a growing epidemic today it’s only 16,000 cases per year tomorrow it could turn into 50,000. It’s a very strong and growing cancer help me to be the one that fights for the lives of the precious patients and families it attacks.

When I started this journey, I decided to open my fight with cancer to others in the world. I write a blog that you can find at ……http://dontcryformeprayforme.blogspot.com/   I have had over 430,000 people read my blog. This accounts for a lot of lives, hoping to see a survivor ….in a disease that takes most of the lives it attacks.

Anxiously awaiting your reply,

Mary C Hicks

I attached this photo with my letter 

Blog #84... Jealousy is such an ugly emotion....

Next week should be another big week,  I am hoping to have my 3rd Y-90 procedure...I'm  just waiting to hear from Newton Medical Center, if they have approved and scheduled it. I should be hearing anytime. 

There have been a few hurtful things that happened last week, that I experienced . A customer's cousin had some back pain,  started seeing a chiropractor, which referred him back to his primary care doctor. The primary care doctor diagnosed him with stage 4 liver cancer, oncologist suggested chemo, he did one treatment and ended up in the hospital, because it made him so sick. The next day he was admitted into hospice and passed away that night.  It's always heart breaking for me to hear when someone else loses their lives to this horrible disease. Another friend of mine has been admitted into hospice this past week, at the end of her courageous battle with cancer. 

I read an article about a CNN reporter that had a benign  brain tumor, she was saying how she had survivor's remorse. I guess I can understand that in some ways, but this battle isn't a group disease... it's really an individual battle to overcome and survive. I don't feel remorse for living and fighting this disease. I don't feel guilty for having another day with my family and friends..... I find myself more grateful than anything else. I could have been the one that lost my life. I wasn't suppose to live 6 to 8 weeks as progressed as my disease was ....and here I am almost 14 months later living, breathing, and fighting for what I want... a chance for another day to live on this earth and to be loved and to love the people in my life. 

I get frustrated..... I get mad and sometimes &  I just want to scream ... I want the world to stop and somehow miraculously make me better!  Make me the person that no longer has this disease. I want to be that one person  that has taken all that I can from having to fight for my life to make a huge difference in the world ... Sometimes.... the world is so mean and cruel that I can't even begin to find myself understanding how some people even should have a chance to have a good life while others fight every single day  for theirs.

 I know that sounds selfish and mean of me to say.... but, I heard that someone was being told how well I was doing and this person says "Really, she is doing good... I thought she would be dead by now"  I thought what a real bitch. A woman that I barely know. A woman that I have not even crossed paths with in the last 13 years and that is what is said about me! I think it's sad that someone would even say that about me..... much less anyone that is fighting for their lives. What a horrible representation of human life. I didn't cry when I heard that she said that about me. I thought to myself what a jealous and mean soul that woman must really have. I actually felt sorry for her. To be so mean and cold inwardly must be a horrible way to live your life.  The hatred in some people shines through in more ways that most people can ever see. Sometimes..... the outside isn't at all what the inside of someone truly represents. I wasn't going to share this but you know what it's real life... These things happen all the time. To so many people. It's not just me, it's others it's what people do. As sad as it may be it's just LIFE!

Things other than that are good. I had chemo last Wednesday and to be honest it seems that it's a lot easier on my body these days. I use to be down and out for 3 days and not be able to get up out of bed. But, since my steroid got cut in half I see a huge difference in how the treatment effect how I am feeling. I don't feel great... but, I am not home laying in bed all weekend... I have been up and out and about. Which is awesome news for sure. 

I bought a yoga tape and started doing yoga yesterday. I am hoping to start stretching some muscles. I find myself stiff... I suppose mostly from being down and out so much over the last 14 months. I am glad I feel good enough to stretch and to start working on this full recovery of my body. It's really not just about overcoming the cancer, it's about getting my body back into shape and transforming myself into a healthy person all around, again. 

I am feeling pretty good. I have been enjoying watching my grandson play baseball. I am just enjoying my life. With last week's news, that we got all the old cancer, and there are new spots I realized that I am in this long term battle. It's a matter of maintaining and staying ahead of the cancer, and getting it before it has the opportunity to get me. I am the lucky one for this reason alone.

 The cancer doesn't have a chance to kill me, I will fight this monster until the very last spot that shows up in my body. I have been and will continue to win my battle with this monster. I hope that through my journey that no matter what you may be facing personally in your own lives, that you see the will to live. The fight isn't always going to go the way we want or expect it to ...but it's about staying on the course. It's about giving it your all. It's about believing that you can do it  no matter what obstacles you may face along the way. Nothing is easy in life. Their are peaks and valley's . There are the days where everything couldn't be any  better and days when you feel it just can't get any worse. We all face our own trials in life. We all make choices that lead our lives in directions that are not always clear at the time. That's why they call them choices. Nothing is  ever really certain except ...Death is certain for us all one day. None of us will live forever!

 I just hope to live a long life to have the chance to see cancer through to the next level of remission and recovery in people that had no chance of recovery in the past. I would love to be a spokes person for this disease. To spread hope. To give a chance at life to people that have been given no hope for life... To spread hope of  options that may not be the easiest road but the better chance at survival. . I could have taken the news I was told and just gone and lived the rest of the life that I had to live and not gone through all that I had but the certainty of death wasn't the option I was choosing, the chance at remission and a longer life was my choice and I am glad I was given that chance by Dr. Chamsuddin and Newton Medical Center. Without this doctor and hospital I would have been gone by now. I wanna say "look at me now" 

Thursday night last week my grandson came and spent the night with us. The next morning I was getting him ready for school, I asked if he wanted grandma to put gel in his hair... He looked at me and said "No, thanks" I asked "Is it because grandma isn't cool?" he looked at me and said "well, you very pretty though" I laughed. I just love him to pieces. 

Hopefully, my next blog will be letting you know when I am having the next Y-90 and I hope that you will continue to pray for me and my family! Pray for great results with the Y-90 and that we lead this disease to be totally removed  from my body once and for all. 

Don't cry for me.... Pray for me! 

Blog #83 ..Seeing the good through bad news

It's not been one of the best days of my life but honestly it's not been the worst either.  

How do you describe something that hurts so bad ...that in the initial moment of finding out about it you... find yourself just completely lost for words? The pet scan didn't reveal what we had hoped for! The great news is we were able to completely destroy all the tumors that were there originally. The accomplishment of that in itself is a HUGE victory, one that most people with my disease never accomplish in their own battle. I totally rejoice in the fact that what we set out to destroy is ...gone. The part of the new tumors was the tough news. I wanted to at least be in remission before this stupid crap came back. This nasty little life altering monster that would rather see me dead than alive. The part of Cancer it doesn't seem to understand is when it kills its enemy it kills itself. It's like a stupid self bomber! How ridiculous is that?  It comes down to me getting it first. 

I have to say without Newton Medical Center, Dr. Chamsuddin and God I would not be alive today. There is no doubt in my mind. God has led me to where I am supposed to be with the amazing doctor that has led me this far. This far being alive and so much better than where I was when this journey first began. I'm so far from that place. I've felt like the doors of Newton Medical Center have opened up to me and my family.  They have given me my life and how do you ever say how much you appreciate that? 

Today ...I have been through every emotion you could ever even imagine. I've questioned myself with this and that. I've cried, screamed and wanted to just hit someone as hard as I could. I wanted to just go get a bucket full of rocks and throw them through the windshields as well as the windows of every car in the parking lot at my office. I wanted a release from the anger that I was feeling inside my heart. I wanted to question God "Why me?" Wondering what I could have done to deserve this horrible disease. But what I told myself is ..."why not me?" I looked deep inside myself and drew the strength that I know my fighting spirit has to fight and beat this monster! I am willing to go the long haul with this disease.  I've never been a quitter in my whole life. I've never known this kind of dedication and determination before, I've never had to ...but that doesn't mean that I won't do this. I will not give up. I can cry, I am not a robot. I can be disappointed ...I can cuss, scream and hate this disease for all that it is but at the end of the day, the end of every single day I will know I have done all that I personally can to destroy this monster inside of me. I have the best doctor and I know in my heart and soul  without a shadow of a doubt that he will do every thing  within his power to make this happen for me! I trust in his judgement and decisions for my care. How many people have that much faith and confidence in their doctor as I do? 

Most people tell me "I couldn't have done all that you've done" I think to myself you do whatever options there are to save your life. You never know what you would do in any situation until your in it. Most people aren't as strong as I am. I agree with that. Most people crack and completely break down when things don't go the way they expected them to go! Most people take the easy road and give up! It would be easier to just let this be what it is ...the hard part is getting up every day and not only fighting my way to the next day but just living with the lows and picking myself up long enough to get myself to the next high. I am stronger than I ever thought I could be.  Instead of going home and getting in my bed and falling apart and crying my eyes out. I picked up my daughter and grandson from school, met friends at DQ for free ice cream and went to the park with a friend of Evans and her family. 

At the park the girls saw a guy fishing off the bank and they walked over to watch him.  My grandson asked the guy "can I fish?"  He took 3 fishing poles and let the kids fish. He asked me "how's your day?" I replied "it's good" and I watched the kids having a ball. I told him "your act of kindness means more than you will ever know" it wasn't about me in that moment it was about the kids but I wanted him to know how much allowing them to fish meant to me. There are some amazing people in the world. I'm glad we met him today and I got to make a little joke with my oldest daughter about replacing my liver with the chicken livers they were all fishing with. I laughed she really didn't. LOL 

Cancer isn't easy. It's not easy on the people that love and care about me. It's heartbreaking but a broken heart mends and for me a day of crying and I'm back on the saddle. It's crazy but while talking to Dr Chamsuddin and having to hear him  share the news with me in our very serious conversation (the serious conversation that isn't our usual joking tones) I found myself wondering how it hurt him not only to see the new tumors but to have to share this with me. He knows me not only as a patient.. but as a person. He knows my friends and my family. He knows how this news would upset me. Having to put his own feelings aside and just have the truthful conversation with me was hard.  I know it was. My first call was to my best friend in this world, my brother. I know the news hurt him in ways that only the two of us will understand. He's been amazing through all of this and it hurt me more than anything to have to tell him. I knew it would hurt him like a knife through his heart as he tried to comfort me and told me its going to be okay! He is the best brother in the world. I wouldn't know what I would do without him beside me. He's there in the good and bad news and suffers through the initial pain to get us moving full force to keep fighting! 

 Everyone in the hospital knows me and I know as the word spreads in the hospital there will also be a lot more disappointed people that  are there every time cheering me on. The hospital for me ...isn't just a hospital its a support system as their patient they all care about me and my well being. Something ...you will never get at a big hospital. That's what makes its the right place for me to be. I dropped off my disc the other day and saw at least 6 people working there that stopped me and told me how great I looked and how happy they were to see me. I'm blessed on so many levels. 

So I with bad news today there was good news. The good news is there is still the option for me to keep fighting. Another Y90. Bad thing is we're going to be doing it during spring break. My plans altered to have another chance at beating this seems more than worth it to me. Since my Mexico trip is already paid for  May 8th-14th I hope to be able to go if not I'll be giving my trip to someone else. I won't allow it to go to waste. I've earned that vacation and I plan to go and enjoy every single second of it. 

If you allow the set backs in life to alter your future ..they most certainly will. I refuse. 

I've got more fighting to do and I've got a lot of fight left inside me to use and I plan to give it my all. 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me. 

Blog #82... 13 MONTHS...

 I am one week from my next pet scan. I am anxiously awaiting the results and hoping that this little monster is completely gone! This stupid cancer isn't giving up easy that's for sure! It can't outsmart Dr. Chamsuddin.. I believe that with all my heart... 

I had chemo this week and it went fine no complications to speak of. It was a funny because it was Wednesday and the weather was going to be in  the 70's.... so that morning, I decided I was going to wear flip flops. I have to be honest, earlier in that day I wasn't so sure I had made the right decision because my feet were freezing. I had to be at the Oncologist office at 10:15 that morning, I did the routine we always do when I get there and I walked back into the back to find a sit for my treatment. I found one, sat down, pulled the lever for the recliner and one of my flip flops flew across the room and almost landed in the lap of the sweet lady that was sitting across from me. Everyone in the room getting treatment started laughing. It was the highlight of the day that was for sure. Then I got up before being hooked up to the machine for treatment and went into the bathroom,The roll of toilet paper was not on the hook thing... so you had to roll it out in your hands, I did that and accidentally dropped the toilet paper and that sucker rolled all over the bathroom floor before I could get a grip on it to tear off the yucky part... I came out of the bathroom laughing and said "Ya'll would have died if you were in there with me to see what happened" Everyone laughed again. It was so funny I felt like butter fingers all day that day. 

Things are really looking good with me. I have no real problems besides my lower back pain. It's weird how it's started hurting so much lately, pretty much since my last procedure. I am hoping that the pain will go away soon. It's tolerable at times and then others.... I have to go home and take a hot bath and then lay on a heating pad to get rid of the pain.

My attitude is really good. I am just believing the end of this nightmare is near.  Someone close to me went to the doctor yesterday and they were asked all those medical questions about family history of this and that... They said that I had liver cancer. This person said they looked at them and asked the story of my cancer. When they were finished telling the PA she looked at them and said "I worked in an oncology office for 15 years and it was so hard on me I had to leave. I have never heard of anyone having their liver covered 80% in tumors and them being doing so good as she is doing. At the office I worked at we would have given her no hope" They smiled and said "I know it's a miracle" The PA asked who my Interventional Radiologist is and where is was working they told the PA and she was blown away that he was working at such a small hospital. 

This made my day. Made me reaffirm the fact that I am a miracle... I know every day that I am alive it's a true blessing. Today marks 13 months from my dx. It's hard to believe that 13 months have gone by on one hand and then on the other it feels like 13 years. It's just the battle I have to face. Life isn't always easy but life for me is much better than the alternative. Much BETTER! 


My cancer marker went up a little  this week. I am thinking it's because I had not had chemo in 3 weeks. I was getting a 2 week break and was suppose to have chemo last week but the weather changed that because they closed early and called me to cancel my appointment ... I had chemo Wednesday this week instead. We have changed my regimen to every other week. My oncologist says this Gemzar (chemo brand) I am taking starts to take a toll on the body and even though for the most part I am tolerating it pretty good right now it starts causing different effects on the body. I think doing it every other week works. I have to make sure I keep myself healthy other than for the cancer. I know my body and I listen to it. I am doing everything I can and am told to do so I know we can see the end of the journey soon and be in remission where we have been trying to reach over the last 10 months. 

This stupid cancer is hanging in there. I was watching Grey's Anatomy the other night and I could relate to what the doctor was lecturing about when she was describing the tumors and how it was happy in there. I feel like my cancer has been happy in my body too. Where it feels that it wants to live and grow as we want it gone and dead. We will win I have no doubt about that. 

Next Friday..... is another big milestone in this journey and I ask you all for your prayers that this monster is gone. We were so close before the last procedure so we have to be there or much closer this time. 

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. It means so much to me. I know that through this journey I have had some people reach out to me that I would have never thought would share their thoughts of my inspiration in their own lives and it touches my heart in places that they will never know not only that they felt that way but that they shared their feelings with me. 

I don't have to much to share this week just wanted you all to know I am doing good. I am feeling better. And my attitude is right where it needs to be ... On POSITIVE......


Don't Cry For Me.... Pray For Me... Prayers are answered every day ....Mine sure have been! 

Blog #81 HOPE & CERTAINTY.... THEY GO HAND IN HAND.....

I'm finally feeling better. The last procedure took a lot out of me.  On top of that... I got that winter crud... with the sore throat and cough, I guess  I caught from my little daughter, Evan. She was sick the week before. Regardless of what I am going through.... I am still a mama and I am going to take care  my little one when she is sick, I take the risk of getting myself sick but that's what a mama does. Isn't it? Healthy or not?


Things are going good with me. I had a great month selling insurance despite the fact that I have not been feeling really good the whole month. I wrote 29 new policies for the month.... I am thrilled. It makes me feel good to save people money and for them to put their trust in me as their agent. I seem to wear so many hats these days I am a  mama, sister, grandma, insurance agent, and cancer patient. I juggle life these days and try my best to keep things going smooth and on the right track for all my obligations! It get's overwhelming at times but that's nothing new life was certainly overwhelming even before finding out I was sick.

The days I don't feel that good and I am home I seem to work harder and more on those days. Seems odd that it would be that way but it's just how the business goes.... I suppose. Things are always crazy in my life there is always so much to do and so much that I can't allow to sit and be left undone (except for my laundry...which I hate doing)

 I have my pet scan scheduled for  March 13th... Each time the closer to the date I get, the more anxious I am becoming. I hate waiting but to make sure we get the correct results from the procedure there is a timing to the waiting madness.  I am praying day & night that the scan is clear. I hope that there is not another thing lighting up on the scan, but in case there is... like every time before I am willing and ready to go back in and get at it again. I would prefer not to have another ablation but regardless of what I prefer ....if I have to do it I will. I want my life back. I want to know that I have no more cancer in my body... no matter how big it once was to how small it is now. Cancer is cancer and no matter the size I hate it. I am not willing to allow it to invade my body anymore than it already has!

The pet scan is not bad really. The worse part for me is when they put in the sugar shot into my IV and then I have to sit and rest for an hour before I can have the scan done. Going into the room to have the pet scan isn't bad,  They lay you on this little table with all of your clothes on. Which is so weird to me , I would have thought you would at least have to change into a hospital gown but that isn't the case at all. I get a little anxious at first when they push you through the tubing to get each portion of your body done on the scan. You lay on this tiny table with your arms laying up above your head and you have to be completely still for about 20-30 minutes. If you are claustrophobic it might be a little more difficult for you to have a pet scan done. There are things your doctor can do about your anxiety ask if you think you will ever have one of these and if you think you might need something to take the edge off.

Anything new and uncertain scares us. I think I get the "PRO" title when it comes to all these cancer situations and test. I know that I don't like most of it anymore than the next person but I do it because I have to and because I have no other choice really.

Fighting cancer isn't for cowards. Don't you hear and see all these things saying "cancer warrior"? It's not easy to go through this. I think sometimes it has more of a mental effect than a physical. It's the word we all dread to hear under any circumstances with anyone in our family or friends circle.

I know the day I was diagnosed I couldn't believe what the doctor was saying.. Like I have said before this happened to other people. This could not be happening to me. I wasn't unhealthy, I never really got sick with colds or anything, I had energy, I was a mom with a small child for God's sake.. This could not be happening to me... It was and I had no control over what it was. I knew I had control over what it could be and therefore I made the choices I made along this journey. I wanted someone to come and take this all away from me. I wanted sometime to look me in the eyes and say "It's okay, you do this and you will live" no one said that to me. No one could. There was what I felt was no hope in my mind but my heart had all the hope in the world that I could and would make it through this horrible disease. I did everything you can even think of. I read stuff on the internet that was the magic cancer cure, that didn't work. I changed my diet, I scrambled across the country trying to find a way to save my life and everywhere I went there wasn't anymore hope than what I had been offered by Dr. Chamsuddin, my only hope... Y-90... Hope and Certainty were in my mind the same thing. I knew that hope had the only chance of my certainty of beating this disease.  I believed in the plan we had to attack this monster, and once we started the journey to beat it, I never looked back a second.. I just knew I was on the right track,,,, with the right doctor,,, and at the right place I was suppose to be at. I knew that and therefore there was no more searching for an answer for me and my life, I had found it.

It's not easy making choices ...choices that you have no idea what you might be facing but when you have no other choice and it's the only choice you have... there is no other way to go. I knew from day one that my obligation in this world could not be over. I have built my life the way I wanted in some way and other ways it had been molded from the decisions that I had made for my life choices. I look back now and wish I had gone to college and I know I would have made an incredible lawyer. I can argue my point like nobody's business, I can search and find out things that people have hidden so far and deep and think no one could ever find out.  Instead at 20 I had baby, I worked my butt off every day to provide her with her needs, and later on in life with all of her wants. I sacrificed so much of my family time for money and material things and thought those things were what would make her and I happy. A lesson that now.. I have learned better than to believe that. I was given a second chance at being a mama and I love my little girl. Don't get me wrong she can get on my last nerve and there have been times that I have had  to escort her out of my bedroom and lock the door but that's short lived. I still under the circumstances  have to be mama! I have really tried to keep my life as normal as possible. Not much other than chemo. hospital stay's and laying in bed more has changed. I am still working full time. Still trying to just be me.. a new and maybe in some ways an improved me.

I have people reaching out to me all of the time. Telling me that my fight and attitude has helped them in ways that I would never understand. People that were once strangers sharing with me their own life struggles and explaining the ways that I have helped them. Do you know how amazing that makes me feel? I just know that I fight because I want to . I want to live... I want to see my daughter and grandson grow up... I want to do so much more with my life than I have so far. I can't determine where all of this will lead me in my future but I know the future looks brighter and happier when you have been fighting for your life for it!

Yesterday,my Evan Raine walked into the room with this costume on and after the third video attempt we came up with this. I love her spirit and even going through this journey every step of the way with me I see the joy of life in her eyes and it makes me so happy... Cancer can not take the heart and soul of it's victim's if you don't allow it to. It's a choice and I chose happiness with my daughter. I hope you enjoy her video she is something very special. I started these video's recently because I wanted to have these for her and for myself for years to come. So we have our own youtube channel...

I hope that my story makes it to the heart of people that need to feel the strength of another persons will and desire to live that can in my own way give them "HOPE" for their own lives. Nothing is certain in life...  but..... there is more certainty in life if you have HOPE. ...