Blog # 89.... "You can't eat the whole elephant... Or can you?"

April 30, 2015

Things have a bit crazy with me  ....I've had a rough week. I had a pain patch for back pain that  mixed with my pain pills and the side effects from chemo.... seriously knocked me down this past weekend and most of the week. I am starting to feel better. I feel like I was a trapped animal digging my way through the dirt back up into a sunny day! I am beginning to see the light again and Lord does it feel good! 

I am scheduled to see Dr. Kooby tomorrow at Emory. I am looking forward to that meeting, I don't really know what to expect or what options he may have available for me but if Dr. Chamsuddin trust him than I trust him. I hope that he can give me more information about the clinical trial Dr. Chamsuddin told me about. I am sure he will.  I have anxiety every time I go and meet someone new in this journey. Don't ask me why... I seriously have no clue. I want and and am hoping for a cure. I am hoping that the pet scan sometime at the end of May shows no no active cancer in my body, that's all many of us can ever hope for!  It will be a glorious day if that is what happens. My article came out in the newspaper about my insurance companies and them not making payments on all the bills that are due from not paying Newton Medical Center. The process seems to be half way working... I am not sure what the problem is but my frustration with Humana still continues and Coventry One is a joke they denied everything and refused to make a statement about why. Here is the article for your enjoyment of reading

 I decided to put off the MRI on my back that was ordered last week due to my incredible  back pain...at least until I get back from Mexico. I didn't ask my oncologist office to run a cancer marker this week as I normally would... I leave for Mexico in 8 8 8 8 8 8 wondrous days and to be honest.... I just don't want any news on my cancer before I get back from this trip that could potentially upset me.. I want to go on this trip and give myself the vacation I so deserve and not have to think about cancer anymore than I have to! I remember several years ago I was in The Keys with my friend Carla and I met a guy that was there with his friends and family I think from CT he was telling me about his cancer. How there was no cure but that he had no given up hope on a recovery. That he had 1 child, had always been a great husband, father, friend, and that he worked hard all of his life and now that he was at a place to enjoy life he was sick and how all he ever could ask for is the chance to see his daughter fall in love and get married and have her own child. He asked me if he was asking to much? I told him "No" I understood.

 I met him on a little beach island and connected with a perfect stranger in his own time of need to have someone to talk to and understand where he was coming from. I didn't really understand at the time. I could not have understood, even though at the time I was sick myself I had no idea that I was. I have thought of him many time. I have thought about the things he said and the things he wanted in his life. He said "You can't eat the whole Elephant can you?" What he meant was you can't have it all. Can you have it all... Is it when things get as good as you think they can get one of the wheels falls off? How fair is that? I didn't get his name... I didn't get his email... I didn't get his number but in our 10 minutes sitting on a beach as perfect strangers we connected in a way that now I understand more than I ever could have before. I have written an inspirational novel and I wrote that story in that book and I also wrote a blog on my single mom blog about it. I hope that stranger on the beach is still living and fighting I hope his daughter has found love and I hope that every wish for all that he had done good in his life has come true.  

Here is the Chapter from my book and blog post I made:

You can't eat the whole elephant or can you?

While in  The Keys several months ago, I met a man on the beach we were staying at. A conversation that lasted no more than ten minutes that left a huge question in my mind... Can you eat the whole elephant? 

This is a chapter from my second book, in the stage of being completed for publishing and wanted to share this story with everyone that reads my blogs and has interest in seeing things through the eyes of stranger that may give you something to think about and truly consider in your own life. ......

Chapter 19

You can’t eat the whole elephant

Or can you?

  

Is there such a thing as being in the right place at the right moment in life? It’s funny, but in my own life I find myself put in certain places in life that I just feel I am suppose to be at in that moment.  Whether or not we are lead to be there at that very moment or not sometimes isn’t even the real question or concern as why you are there it’s the encounter that truly matters anyways.  I often wonder in those situations if I need them or is it that they are needing me? Personally, I take the time to meet strangers. To listen to what they have to offer to tell me about themselves and their lives, so that I may learn something new about them and even maybe myself too.  People always love to tell you about themselves, and it’s whether or not you are interested in listening.

The title of this chapter came from a man I met only once, on a beach in the Florida Keys. A simple encounter asking this stranger to help a friend’s son with threading his fishing pole. As my friends son had been inside the condo we were staying at for about two hours trying to get it done, I offered my assistance, which honestly wasn’t much assistance as I have never done it before myself.  So, I merely went outside to the beach and asked a stranger for help and of course he was glad to help. I told him I would go and get the boy and have him bring the fishing pole outside. Upon returning to get the boy, he was so frustrated and still determined to figure it out on his own, (with the sun rapidly fading into the sunset, in which cut into his fishing light) he didn’t want the strangers help.  With my tail between my legs, I went out and thanked the stranger and told him the boy was determined to do it on his own. We struck up a conversation after my apologizes and I was so glad we did. This stranger asked me what I did for a living; I told him and advised that I was also a writer. He seemed impressed. Our conversation instantly turned to children and I told him I had two daughters, and a grandson. He instantly said “You have what I want” I thought about that for a minute and asked him what he meant. He simply said “I have been a good person my whole life, I worked hard all my life and the one thing I want to be able to see is my daughter have my grandchild one day, I deserve that much out of life” Those words stopped me dead in my tracks as he continued on to tell me  that he has a rare form of cancer and it has spread from prostate cancer to in his blood now” That he is there on vacation as a break from the treatment and at this point in his treatment he was at the end of the road of ways to save his life, just maintain his life for as long as they possibly can ! ” I fought back at many of the tears as I could. I shared this moment of talking with this stranger to wonder why life happens the way that it does sometimes. Why does it have to be so dang hard on people? Why did he get to the times of his life that he could sit back and enjoy all the sacrifices he made in life to have it end with a horrid disease? 

I told this stranger that I write to give hope to people that feel that they have no hope left in their lives. I write to maybe make some difference in the life of a stranger or friend one day. I told him he had to keep the faith and fight the battle no matter how tired he gets, and discouraged, turning into encouragement with each treatment he is given. As all hope is never lost until there is no hope left for anything to give you.  I told him that he is still living now and he has to continue to live and by going on vacation and truly enjoying himself is inspirational.

When life is at its worst moments such as these times for this stranger, you can always still be full of hope if you chose to be. It’s whether or not you allow hope to shine through in your life during these kinds of tough times. Always keep hope alive in your heart and soul and who knows what may ever happen.

As for the stranger I met, he told me he was so worried about dying that he can’t even live the life that he has left to live, I hope that I inspired him a little that day and that he found some form of new hope in his life from a ten minute conversation with a stranger that spent my time encouraging him to live his life, as hard as it may be at times, because in these moments he has left he is a living and has the ability to live. I told him everything is all in the attitude and your attitude can make all the difference in the world. It can for all of us.  The stranger asked me before he left the beach that day “Can you really have it all?”  Then he said “You can never eat the whole elephant, or Can you?” I told him I was going to put this in my book, somehow and I thought how awesome it really would be to tell the story of meeting a stranger and sharing a moment with someone that needed a friend that day, just as much as I did for different reasons.  So, for this stranger I will never see again in this lifetime of mine, you gave me a story to share with the world, that maybe that can determine in their own lives whether you can eat the whole elephant or not! A chance encounter with a complete stranger gave me inspiration and hope that day. A moment shared with someone that I will never see again, but I am left thinking about and hoping for only the positive outcome of his cancer treatment and hoping that all the days of his life he has left to live, he will learn again to enjoy them as we are never guaranteed tomorrow, any of us, but we have to live our lives for the moments we have not the moments we are anticipating to come, because no one knows their real last moments here to enjoy so why not truly enjoy them all regardless of any circumstances we are faced with in life?

I hope that my story will touch your heart. Make you see the goodness in meeting a stranger and to understand that you will never know what you can learn in life just by listening and being open to taking time to hear someone else speak. I hope you all have a good week I am looking forward to going to Emory tomorrow to meet Dr. Kooby and I will be posting on anything exciting that may develop but for now it's all about me rebouding into feeling good and getting my body, mind, and spirit ready for 6 complete days of sunshine and paradise that I have earned every single second of !!

Don't Cry for me...Pray for me! 

Blog # 88.... Clinical Trial, Recovery, Chemo, and Mexico .. What a mixture!

I am finally recovering from the third round of Y90! This time was a little tougher than the last two times. The nausea has been horrible. I think I hugged the stupid toilet in a week and a half more than I have all the others years of my life put together.

 I was recovering from the nausea and then I did chemo and it just fired it all back up again. It wasn't until a friend from facebook (I have never met), offered me some essential oils, and they worked. I must admit I was skeptical but I am glad that I used them because they made me feel 100% better, I now can say I highly recommend them! I will be posting a link to her website on my blog.  Things are getting better I just still have the constant back pain. I think its  a nerve not really my back, I had an X Ray and nothing showed on there, I guess it's just something I am going to have to live with whether I want to or not. 

I have chemo again tomorrow (which I am dreading) I hate feeling bad... The treatments of this disease are like a roller coaster, I get the treatments, feel bad, start recovering andfeeling better, and then it's time for another treatment. I feel like it's a roller coaster ....merry go round all in one. It's really all about the high's and low's... Hating the the low's and loving the high's! The good thing about this chemo treatment is it going to be the last one before I head on my girls trip to Mexico. I am determined to not feel bad in Mexico. I will have a two week break and hopefully I will be recovered completely from the Y90 and the chemo and able to have a good time in Mexico!  This trip has been booked for 2 months, when we booked it I thought the time would never come and as of today we are 17 days from boarding the plane to paradise. I can not wait. I couldn't even express in words how excited I am, if I had to do it!  I am going with 4 other amazing ladies and we are going to relax, eat, have a drink or two, and truly dance the night away. I am so ready! 

Last week was my brother, Greg's and my little daughter Evan Raine's birthdays. On Friday night I got all dolled up and went downtown for a nice dinner to celebrate my brothers birthday and had my first glass of wine in almost 15 months. I sipped the wine over a couple of hours, I knew that I had to be careful because I am still having to take my pain pills at night (especially if I go out somewhere) because I would not be able to sit at a table for more than 10 minutes the way my back feels. 

It felt good to get out and go celebrate my brothers birthday, something I use to do all the time without a thought of anything and now days it's a treat if I can feel good enough to go. That makes me sad a little because I see how much my life has changed with this horrible disease, ways that you don't even really even think about because I don't feel good enough most of the time to do all the things I use to do. It's okay... I would rather be home resting so I can do more things in the future... than to go and sit there miserable and wishing I was home. I listen to my body now, and I don't try to overdo what I know I can not overdo. It's my new life being a cancer patient and honestly as long as I am alive than I am happy with whatever choices I have to make to get me through to the next day! I didn't make it out to the club with everyone else at the party, I wanted to go but I knew the next day I had 17 kids coming to my Evan's birthday party and I really need my rest for making sure her party went as smooth as possible. I didn't have her party at my house, I had it at her gymnastic's place and she was so happy. She said it was the BEST day of her life. It was chaos but worth every single smile on her face. She had a blast, all the kids had a great time and that hour and a half that I spent days preparing for was worth every single dollar I spent to make sure she had a great day! 

While I was preparing and at her party my sweet friends, Linda, Kim, and Kenny spent 6 hours out in my front yard, clearing out flower beds, pulling weeds, cutting down tree limbs, planting flowers, and mulching. They did an amazing job, and would not let me pay them a dime. I wanted to cry I am so grateful for friendships that are so loving and giving. I could never repay so many people that have extended themselves out to me in my time of need. It's amazing. I have always been the giver so to receive feels amazing...

I still haven't heard anything from.... President Obama, doesn't surprise me... But... there is a huge development.... The Walton Tribune has agreed to write my story and help me in trying to get all of these outstanding claims paid to Newton Medical Center. I met with the sweet reporter, Meagan Hurley, Staff Writer..... She contacted both Coventry One and Humana. Coventry One really hasn't cooperated as of yet but Humana, immediately has contacted me and has taken charge of getting all of my claims back reviewed and being paid. The hospital thus far has received $40,000.00  considering all the claims they paid last year.... and only paid $10,000 if that. $40,000 for two repaid claims makes me very happy.  I have pushed this issue and been in contact with the head of billing at Newton Medical Center that told me most patients are not as diligent to help them get paid. With tears in my eyes I told her, "without Newton Medical Center and Dr. Chamsuddin, I would truly not be alive and they are owed the money and I will fight until they are paid within 100% of their contractual agreement". She said that they will be going after Coventry One next... things are happening, They are getting paid and honestly that is all I wanted to see happen.

 I have been given another chance at life and there is no price tag on what mine or anyone else's life is worth. My story comes out in the Walton Tribune this Wednesday 4/22/2015 I am excited to see it in print. Great things are happening and I know that what is right is right and everyone should be as diligent in making sure the right things happen. I have heard a million times I should not have to be dealing with this when I am sick, it's my life and they are my bills ... who else should be doing it? 

I'm at a good place. I am not feeling 100% and like I said earlier I have chemo again tomorrow and I know it's going to kick my butt, I prepare myself for the side effects I would say you get use to them but there is no way to get use to feeling so bad. I hope it's better that most of the Y90 is now out of my system and it's easier than the week before last. It's going to be what it's going to be and the one thing you learn to do is... deal with it!  

Things have been pretty quiet this past two weeks with all the other cancer patients I know.... we are all just doing our thing to do what we can to rid our bodies of this nightmare. I told someone yesterday I am tired of it and ready to pass the cancer torch, to bad we can't do that.

 I am meeting with Dr. Kooby at Emory Clinic on May 1st. He is the surgeon that Dr. Chamsuddin went before the board with about my case. Even though I am not a candidate for the resection of my liver he still wants me to meet with him, there is a clinical trial out of Brooklyn, New York that I am interested in hearing about and also another chemo that might be better for my cancer. I am open... as I have been since day one of this disease. I will leave no stone unturn trying to beat this monster. I am not afraid to try something new.... if I was.... I would not be at the great place of beating this cancer that I am at. I am afraid but being afraid doesn't hold me back when it comes to my life. I just go into the new treatments knowing that I am doing all I can and that is all I can expect for myself. So many people tell me "I could not have done what you have done" Really? You give yourself everything you have to live and that is all you can possibly ever hope to accomplish in life.... So there is no thoughts or concerns that go into whatever it is that has to happen to make you live you do it, you grin and bare it and do it with all of you that there is to give to make it happen. 

I want to live and I will never ever give up a second I have on this earth to do what I can to make that happen. I owe that to myself, to my friends, to my kids, and my siblings. You find strength you never knew you had, when you have to have it. 

I cry... I get scared... I scream and yell... I cuss... and I do what I have to do to save my life. It's not easy and I get so sick and so down at times. I have had times that I wasn't sure I was going to make it through all the pain. I remember calling Dr. Chamsuddin one time and I was crying like a baby and I said "I can't do this. I feel so bad I just can't do it" he replied "stick to the plan Christy" I needed to hear that.... I needed reassurance from someone with a lot more knowledge and dealings with cancer than I had. I needed him to push me and he did.

 He may have shook his head and thought why is she calling me... I called because we are a team... We have been a team in this process... He gets frustrated with me and he thinks I talk to much but in my heart I know for his own reasons he wants to save my life as much as I want him too and for that our bound in my mind is a very strong and special one. He is my friend. He is a great doctor and a great man. He cares and it's not just about me he cares about all of his patients, I am sure that most are not as in your face as I am but that's me and he knew that from the first day he met me and he still decided to treat me so that's his problem... Just kidding!  He has done amazing things and I am forever grateful to have my life back and I hope that he knows that his miracle abilities are greatly appreciated by me and so many people that know and love me. 

The morning of my daughters birthday it hit me.. The tears rolled down my face at the thoughts I had so many times that I might not have been here to celebrate my little girls 7th birthday and I was there ... I have a letter that won't get ripped up but will be saved in a special place because it's one less letter she will ever receive because I didn't make it through this horrible thing called cancer. I rejoice in knowing I am going on my 15th month 3 months longer than anyone even expected me to live and I am free of all the old tumors that were originally there trying to take my life and hoping and praying to God all the new tumors are gone and nothing new will show up since this last Y90 treatment. I have spent so much of my time anxious to have another scan in hopes to be in remission that right now I am just enjoying the nothingness of things being done and just recovering mentally, physically, and emotionally from all I have been through. Not focused on what could be but what is in the moment and that feels good. 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me... Know that through your inner strength you can do anything you set your mind to doing!  Thanks for reading and sharing my blog. 

Blog #87 Emory, MRI, and Hope for Remission

On my way to Emory to have an MRI early this morning, to see if the tumor board will approve a resection of my liver on the right side. Doesn't that sound like a horrible way to start the week? It does in some ways and yet in others it could be what gives me back a Cancer free life and how can that be horrible?

I'm very nervous as to the results. I am a control freak and traveling this journey there isn't a thing I'm able to control. I just have to "GO WITH IT" sometimes that really is just the hardest thing to do. I have all my faith in Dr Chamsuddin and if he feel this is my only option than I refuse to question it. I know he will only lead me down the road of success through fighting this 

Yesterday,  I spent most of the afternoon crying when no one else was around and just cried my eyes out. Cried because I have this disease .. I cried because I still have to fight.I  Cried for the unknown which is dumb because really there is nothing to cry about when you don't even know what you are crying for. I have to do this. I have to go lay my little body in a tube for 30 minutes while a machine spins around me making images of my body so that the specialist on a board at Emory can make a decision about what can and should be done with me. This Cancer is nasty. It's slow growing but regardless it's growing inside of me as we did the Y90 I pray to God got it all... but the issue is this beast just wants to come back! It likes me. It like attacking my body and as I work so hard to fight to get rid of it apparently it's  fighting just as hard to stay just where it is! 

I'm okay. I'm recovering well from the last Y90 a few days ago. It takes a little time and my body needs rest and it's really hard to rest good when you are taking steroids ...those just seem to jack me up. I only slept a few hours last night. My mind kept wondering all over the place. I want to just tell it sometimes to just stop thinking to give me break! It doesn't work. 

It been a tough week I loss 3 people I know that had Cancer and were fighting for their lives. I hurts every time I hear about anyone passing from this horrible disease but it doesn't do anything less than make me want to fight harder.

 

I'm not a quitter I have never a day in my life been a quiter and I'm not about to start now just because the battle has gotten tougher. I have the strongest desire to live inside me. I want to see my little girl grow up. I deserve this. Everyone deserves this and like so many before me and so many that will  be after me I will fight my ass off to the bitter end. 

I have things I want to do and I am hoping that I can see those things through to the end of success. 

I'm almost there to get this done and I've put my big girl panties on and I will walk into this appointment as confident as I always do and know no matter what I feel inside I have a mission to accomplish and this is just another step in my ultimate recovery. 

The MRI was a success. I have never had one before ...so I really didn't know what to expect. I knew it couldn't really be that different from a CT Scan or a Pet Scan. I was taken back immediately, that's the plus of being the first patient of the day. I had to change into a hospital gown and a huge pair of hospital pants.  I laid on a the scan table and was given an IV for the dye that would be administered during the test (another thing I wasn't expecting) the machine is weird. It's like a tunnel you are pushed into and you are given huge headphones I wasn't sure what those were for until I was in the machine and the buzzing and machine itself was incredibly loud. It wasn't bad in and out of there in less than 20 minutes. I left the hospital thinking... well lets say not thinking and didn't get a copy of my disc. Once I got back to work Dr Chamsuddin called to remind me ( I'm not sure he thought he had to remind me but I think he thought I would have been there already. Because he knows I'm on top of it. I'm there before he even ever calls to see me) so I had to get  my driver(Chris) to come back and get me. I couldn't drive  because I have to taken a pain pill as my back hurts and I'm  still recovering from the procedure, Chris took me back down to Emory, I waited an hour, and off we went to Covington to drop it off at the hospital.

  It's there and when he gets the chance he will view it. It's been a long day and now I'm home laying in my bed resting and trying to recover before having to go and do chemo on Wednesday morning. Tomorrow should be a full day at the office, at least I hope so.   

A friend of mine texted me today and I thought I would share what she said about Dr Chamsuddin:

He is everything I would want in a doctor.  So glad you have him in your court!

Don't cry for me... Pray for me. Pray that the best decision is made for my future because I plan on living a long time and fighting for every day I have if I have to!!!