Blog 16 " How will I know God, when my time is ending?"

Tomorrow, I see my oncologist here in Atlanta, that I have chosen to follow in my cancer journey. I am not sure how happy he is going to be with me and my choices of treatment. I feel like I am going to have to explain my decisions to him. Like why I am choosing to get my body as healthy as I possibly can, instead of starting chemo right away! And doing the alternative treatments. 

I don't feel sick. Yet, I am apparently very sick with cancer. It scares me. It makes me want to cry. I want someone to tell me what's going to happen to me. I want someone to explain to me how I can be so sick, and I not feel the least bit sick at all? Why have I been to 5 different medical doctors and each one of them has given me not only a different source of my cancer, but all different chances of my life over the next 6 weeks to 12 months????? Am I dying each day? And I want someone to explain to me how dying feels so I will know  when I am starting to die? I want the answers ....and yet all I can do is try my best to fight for my life. I want to know... God, I want to know! 

Is this going to be coming to the end of my life? Shouldn't I have some signs that I am not going to make it, other than a few radiation based test that shows something a little different with each test that is administered?

I don't want to die. I don't want this to be the end of Christy Hicks, the person that wants all these things that I have yet to accomplish in my life. The person that is determined to live a long life, and yet I am afraid I might not wake up tomorrow. It's a horrible feeling. I think of these things. I fear the unknown and I honestly get mad to hear all these people saying don't worry about it, you are going to be fine. Really? Are you God? How do you know?Because I have no idea myself!!!  Is it because I have the spunk of a 100 women all put into one?  Well, so did my mama and now she's been gone for almost 17 years.  

Life really sucks sometimes!!!  Life seems to be going along just fine and then Shit Happens that changes everything you ever knew. I am pissed off. I am sad, angry, bitter, and frustrated. I don't want to know what death feels like. I don't want to lay here in my bed and wither away from the world, while all the people I love and that love me watch me fade away like the ending of an old black and white movie, my life then lost forever, other than in the minds of the people that loved me. It breaks my heart, it takes me deep within my heart and soul and feels like a knife stuck inside me. The thing about it.... no matter what I am going through life goes one. Day after day I work and keep my faith and always in the back of my mind in the fear that I am dying. Who wouldn't fear that? If you were me and didn't.... you would be lying to everyone including yourself.  This is no picnic, and I am not even wanting to be where I am in life, the problem is... that it isn't my choice. I didn't chose terminal cancer. I hate it. I thought this only happened to other people and not me. Mistake!~ It happened and it sucks. 

I beg God every night to please not let me or my family suffer. We are suffering enough. I don't want them to see me leave this world other than how I am in this very moment. Why would anyone have to suffer through any disease?It makes no sense to me. As I write the tear drops are falling like a waterfall out of my eyes. I know I say don't cry for me ...pray for me. But, honestly tonight I deserve and want to cry for myself. 

I came home from work today, and I had a package. It was from a friend of my mothers. I opened the box excited, and when I pulled out the pretty bag, and reached inside to pull out the gift inside, I found the box from my blog photo. My mama and her friend use to spend hours and hours locked in here friends room with their own smut box, they would cut out words and phrases in a magazine and they would make letters to people. You could hear them from 4 blocks away, laughing their butts off about the letter each of them had created. I could hear in my mind my mama's laughter today. This box, means the world to me, and when I opened the box, it had a sweet card, and a bunch of words and phrases already cut out for me. It was the greatest gift, I love it. As happy as it made me, it also made me long for my mama's arms. As much as I want to see her again and feel the comfort of her loving arms around me again, I am just not ready to go to heaven to get that. I ask her every night to save my life too. I beg for my life, and I know that someone has to listen. That my prayers have to be answered. 

Tomorrow is a new day,another day I have to fight this disease. And I am hoping for a day with no fear and no tears, I try hard. It's hard though. The strength I have to keep going isn't the tears and fears I have when the sun goes down and I am in my bed alone thinking about everything that could be. 

Please continue to pray for me and my family, we are all struggling to wrap our minds around this and just make it day by day and finding all the reasons we have to be grateful and happy for! 

Blog 15... "My first round of treatments"

Big Decisions in my life...I made up my mind, I started alternative treatments at The Genesis Center, in Cumming, Georgia, on yesterday.  I met Dr. Sloan and his wife about 4 years ago, we connected and became facebook friends. We have been friends all these years, and I would see his post about alternative treatments, but at the time none of that related to my life, so honestly, I reviewed it all in passing. Never paying much attention. I did however relate alternative treatments to him, and simply forgot in my state of fear and confusion.

  It wasn't until I was out in Arizona, at a different alternative treatment center that  I realized that I could have simply just scheduled to see Dr. Sloan, here in Atlanta  instead of traveling so far away. Don't get me wrong I would have loved to live the full spring in Scottsdale, AZ. I would thoroughly enjoy the warm weather, however, I have a small child, all of my family and friends are here in Atlanta and I don't think I could have handled being out there all alone. I am grateful that I thought of Doctor Sloan and glad that I was able to get in and start my first treatment on yesterday. That shot of Vitamin D in the booty ...isn't feeling so hot today, but hey, no pain no gain, as the ole saying goes. 

I am realistic in my disease. The traditional medicine treatment could give me a couple of years, with the chemo so many other things go wrong with other area's and often times the cancer spreads to areas that it wasn't at before. I didn't and do not want that for myself. I am believing in what statistic's can't prove. Because believing what statistics have proven with my disease... I will be dead in 12 months with chemo. Every doctor has given me a different answer... therefore; I believe I have to go with what my body and mind feels is right and give it the best shot I got.  

I can't lie to you or myself ... and say that I know this going to work 100% .. I don't know that for sure. What I know is... that I want to be healthy .. I want to see the alternative medicine results in my blood and in my scans in the next 6 to 8 weeks and I want to know that what I am doing is working. There is no way to do that, unless I do it.  I feel good, I keep saying that but for a patient with STAGE 4 live cancer, I don't feel, like I should feel with this disease. I feel that I should be sick, I should have no energy, I should be on this total decline of health, and yet, I don't I feel bad, at all. I work everyday! I am a mother. A grandmother, sister, friend, and all the things that I have always been to everyone that needs me. 

 I am not without concern, but my faith and hope overrule what uncertainty can bring into my life. Not one time have I heard anyone say to me "Christy, I am sorry you are sick and dying." Where they have no hope...(because everyone does) what I do hear is "Christy, if anyone in the world can beat this... you can!" How can I go wrong with trying my hardest to beat it?

I have a lot of pressure right now, eating healthy is hard, working full time, Evan in school, playing softball, my grandson playing baseball, games and practices, and all the other things that go along with just living life. I try my best to be every thing to everyone and sometimes I want to scream... And believe me I do. Who wouldn't just break down sometimes?

I never asked for cancer. It's not welcome in my life and yet like a thief it has come into my life and is trying to take the very heart and soul of who I am ... It's terrifying. I hate it. I want to just go into my own skin and rip out all the cancer, and let it know who the boss is, but I can't do that either. I chose my picture for the blog because that is how I see cancer, a big scary monster, and there I am taking my photo and smiling with it...  So... what I am doing is having the strength to make tough decisions for myself and my family to be here to be the person I have always been. I am a survivor, I have been challenged all of my life, and sometimes .....I didn't have to fight as hard as I am now, but cancer will not kill me, I will not allow it! I will not give it the satisfaction of hurting me and the ones I love so much. I want to live. I want to be here to see my girls and grandson grow up into older adults themselves. I have not always been the perfect person, but who has???What I know is all I can do is try my best! To give this fight all that I have to rid my life of this horrid disease. Along this journey I have seen the inspiration I have given to others to eat better and take better care of themselves. That is amazing to me.  

I hear people telling me all the time how much they admire my courage. It's just you never know how courageous you can be until you are forced to have it.  I want everyone to know that in this life I have lived, I have had up's and down's but my greatest moments are the moments ....I share with my family. I can not ever begin to tell them how much they all mean to be. They are my heart and soul in my life....and  my happiness. The people that I count on the most to pick me up in the moments I fall. Like going through this. We are stronger and wiser together as a family. 

Cancer can be beaten. I believe that. I hope that I am one of the survivors on the other side of this giving hope and courage to others that are facing the same uncertainties that I am facing everyday. I have no idea what all the things I am doing to get rid of this disease are doing to my body, I just know that I am doing outside of the box things that over time have been proven to work with many other people. Most people sit back and are quiet about all of this, don't spread the word, don't spread the knowledge, is my opinion. I am ready for this fight. I have my boxing  gloves on and I am hitting hard at incredible speed. It's about the journey that I want people to understand and relate to, cancer is hard. I wake up and that is the first thing on my mind every single morning since I got diagnosed.  I wish that it wasn't but because it is... honestly, it makes me more determined to beat it. I could hide from it, I could run away and believe everything about death that I have been told I will face or I can reach deep within myself and believe that without a doubt I will not be another one of modern and traditional medicine statistics ever!  I've always marched to a beat of my own drum, and with cancer I will continue to do so. 

Don't cry for me ... Pray for me.... 

Blog #14... "My decisions for treatment"

WOW! I've been  overwhelmed with information and suggestions. One doctor say's one thing, and another say's something completely different. It's a journey that has been very hard on me emotionally. I have had my up's and down's. The day where I'm convinced that chemo is the answer to saving my life, to being completely being turned around, by the alternative medicine doctor. I wish this whole process was cut and dry. Where I go in get some treatment, with a 100% guarantee that I will be healed, unfortunately, I don't think anyone can tell me that. 

My options are limited here, I have chemo, and take poison into my body trying to shrink the cancer, while killing the bad cells, it's also killing my good cells, the ones I need to fight off the diseases my body my catch while in treatment. I told my oncologist at MD Anderson that when I got chemo I would stay away from other people, to try and avoid catching anything else others might have. You know what his response was "You don't have to do that, you can go out and do every thing normal" My thought is my immune system is being beat down with the chemo why in the world would it be okay for me to be around people and risk getting sicker? Am I off base on this thought?I don't think so! Besides the fact that there is no specific chemo that will treat my type of liver cancer. There is not much research on drugs for liver cancer, because only 2% of cancer in this country is actual liver cancer. Discouraging?, it is for me! I was going to do chemo, after leaving MD Anderson, I had my mind made up. I was going to go against all that I felt to be right and do the treatments to live a longer life, (I hoped) The doctor didn't say I would live a longer life with the chemo, he THOUGHT I could live a longer life. Thought and know are two different things. All I do is think about the information I have stored in my mind every single day. 

One thing that is helping me to make up my mind in treatment is that every doctor that has seem me, say's "Why are you here?" I laugh because they are in shock that I have stage 4 liver cancer, and look so healthy. I feel so healthy and besides the test results that have been done, I would not believe that I even have cancer. 

So, I  feel good, I want to stay that way, and therefore, I have decided that alternative treatment is my best option, at least at first. I am going to try and beat this disease with getting my body into the best possible health that I can. I am dedicated to eating extremely healthy, every time I think I want a something sweet, I think about the fight and the urge to cheat disappears. This hopefully won't be for the rest of my life, but for now it is what I must do to get myself well. I have had several people say you can eat what you want, I don't think so, I think eating that way got me into the position I am in now.I don't expect everyone to believe me on this or anything else. I just know what I feel is right for me, and in doing so I own this disease.... and it will not own me. 

I wish I didn't have to make any of these decisions. I wish the answers were laid out before me and I knew the way to go with this all.It's not that simple. It's not black and white in the sense that this is the miracle answer. I have to have hope and faith that the decisions I make are the right ones for me. I don't expect my brother or my sister to make these decisions for me, it's not their life ultimately, it's my own. I will not allow them to carry the burden of choosing my recovery, nor should they have too. I will live or I will die, but let me tell you this, I will go knowing in my heart and soul that I am making the choices for myself and what I feel will be best for me and my family. 

This journey is no fun. Sometimes, even with a huge group of people all around, I feel alone. That too is a choice to make that you  yourself control the cancer, and it's progress, than it controlling you....

People tell me all the time how much they admire my strength, Believe me it isn't easy, it's a road of self journey that is sometimes so hard to bare that you don't even know what to do next, I just pick myself up, close down the pity party and move on!  One day at a time. That's how I want to now live my life. I have always looked so far into the future and tried to predict what would be, now I just one to wake up each tomorrow and know that I AM going to  beat cancers ass.  

Don't cry for me.... Pray for me... As always! 

Blog #13.... Journey Forward.......

I HATE CANCER ....

Tomorrow, my brother and I head out to Phoenix Arizona!  We are going to a alternative treatment center, for a consultation, only.  I have asked several of the oncologist that I have met with about doing alternative treatment along with doing the chemo. They all have said "it won't hurt you" .. Which I plan to do both, I wish I didn't have to do the chemo.... I am deadly afraid of taking chemo into my body, and yet, I met with the doctor at MD Anderson and he says chemo is what is going to contain and manage my disease, and ultimately my life, so then what choice do I really have, but to take it?

This past month has been a nightmare!!! A time in my life that I wish that I could block out, and totally forget about for the rest of my life, and unfortunately that isn't possible. I see the pain that this disease has caused my family. The look of fear in their eyes, as we all try to get this upbeat attitude in front of one another and cry ourselves to sleep at night,  often. I have the best family in the world. We have never had the traditional life, and I think through the heartaches and struggles we have endured together has made our bond stronger than anyone could ever break. We get frustrated with each other, we may ignore a phone call or two here and there over the years, but you better bet your ass when it comes to needing one another we are there in a blink of an eye or quicker! 

Life hasn't been easy for us, we always  just our mom to love and nurture us. She had a hard time in life, and yet, she was all we had and did the best she could! . When she died on 8/20/1997, it was what I thought to be the hardest day of my life,.I never wanted to feel that kind of  pain I felt on that day, ever again. The years go by and I still miss and love her, but it doesn't hurt as much. Now, I wish she was here. I wish she was here to cuddle and comfort me.... that kind of love and comfort that only a mother can give you. I would do anything just to talk to her, just to know that she was by my side. It's hard. It's the toughest of times in my life, and I want to scream sometimes. I need to be held and I need to feel loved in my moments of total weakness. I have one friend in particular at my moments that I am so upset, he is the one person I can pick up the phone and call, he doesn't give me advice, doesn't scold me about crying, doesn't tell me to get off my pity party, what he does is he sits and listens. If he cries along with me, I am not sure, but it's in those moments all about me and what I need and I don't think I could make it some nights without his unexpected friendship. To be a unselfish friend is amazing. I needed this person to come just to listen to me and he came at the perfect time in my life! 

Everyone else tries to tell me what I need to do, when I need to do it.  I feel like a lab rat sometimes, but being this little lab rat may be the one thing that saves my life. My brother is doing all that he can to make this disease go away, I fear that he will always worry and then my biggest fear if I don't make it through all of this he will always wonder what he could have done differently. There is nothing, he is doing everything .. He reads day and night, he looks at every single thing he finds to make this all go away. I just don't want him to ever question himself because he has done for me what no other person would go to these extremes to do to save my life, and he has done the most amazing job. He has forced me to do things and go places I have been reluctant to go, but I have done it because he has only my VERY Best interest at heart. How many people can say they are loved that much? I am loved. I know in my heart and soul how much  I am loved and without that I would not make it through any of these days of uncertainty with a smile on my face,as much as I do now. . I am lucky! 

 Everyone needs someone that they can go to, that they can confide in, that they have no expectations! Every one needs good friends, and I have many of them, it's just every one is so busy, every one has their own things going on, their own struggles, and I hate bothering people. Sometimes, I just feel like a broken record, and I hate it. I wish Cancer never had to come from my mouth, but then I would have no story to tell, no victory to proclaim, no lessons to be learned. 

The lessons I am learning on this journey are tough, really tough. I wish I would have taken better care of my body! Wish I never smoked! Wish I had always eaten healthier,!  We can live on what we wish we had done we have to move forward with what we NEED to do now,. and for me. I am taking better care of myself and I can only move forward and hope for the best and have faith that I am going to live a long life and come to the other side of this manageable cancer, and make some difference in the lives that I touch along the way. I was at Sunday School (in a new class of 25 people I only new the teacher, my friend Robin Payne) she knows what is going on with me, and asked if I had any prayer request. I sat there, and I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to ask a room full of people to pray for me, I wanted then to pray for another woman, I have never met, I have only met her amazing mother and father on the wait to get on the flight to come home to Atlanta, and through our age differences, we had more in common than I do with most people I have known all of my life, I felt such a connection to this couple, not only for the fear of their daughter having cancer, but for the fear they had within themselves and what this disease does to a family. I wanted my Sunday School class to pray for them instead of myself, I have a ton of people all over the country praying for me, I wanted my prayers shared with them!  I cried as I asked, and told my story but I also told of how I wanted to help others facing all these fears I myself are facing. God has a way of making me stronger to give my strength to others around me, I believe that and I will never miss an opportunity to reach out and help in making something a little better or brighter in someone else's life, because I will never be anyone other than, me, Christy Hicks, a giver, fighter, and believer that I can beat this and be the person I wish I had always been all along.  

Blog #12 "Chemo"

Another day gone by...... and finally.... within one  month to the day  of this disease entering my life, I have answers. I have a plan of attack, and yet, I sit here thinking of how taking chemo is going to change all the things in my life, most importantly spring break for my little daughter  within the next couple of weeks. I have to plan my life around my chemo treatments, and I have so many questions and yet, no one can tell me really how my body with react to the treatment until I get the treatment and figure it out on my own.

 It's scary. I don't want to sit in a room full of other people that are sick, and yet I know me, I will find comfort in sharing our stories in fighting this disease as these chemical go into our  bodies  and tries it's best to fight this monster inside of us all . 

Sometimes, I want to scream, I want to be mad at someone, I want to know that through all this I will endure ...that I come out on the other side of cancer being okay and well. The unknown is the hardest part.

I could dwell on my feelings, because honestly I have that right, I have earned that right as a cancer patient. But, as a strong and determined woman, I can not allow this to be who I am. I will not give this horrid disease all of me there is to be in this world, just because it's there and I have to get treatment to rid it of my body. 

The cruelty of this disease and the things you must endure to rid it.... isn't fun. No one wants to be sick, no one wants cancer, and it is always a fear that each and every one of us has in our lives, and here I am a cancer patient about to face the unknown treatment and I hate it. 

I want this nightmare to end. I want to be well. I want to know that without a shadow of a doubt these chemicals they are going to be putting  into my body will work! There is no guarantee, so I have to have faith and believe in the healing I need to survive my life that I have so much left to do and live for. My life means something, not only to me but to many people that love me. As all patients we are special and we want to feel and be treated that way. 

There are so many things that I want to do, and I want to accomplish. I just know that cancer, is my set back, it's just a bump in the road to how fast and furious I can get to where I am going. 

Being strong is hard sometimes. I had to be strong to get the answers I needed, now I have them and know which direction I am heading in and it scares me. It should scare me. I can not imagine one person that has faced cancer and chemo treatments not being a little scared. 

The first day of treatment is two weeks from today. I will get treatment for 2 hours on Friday's for 2 weeks in a row and then I am off for a week. Then I repeat that 2 more times and back to Houston for another scan to see how the chemo is working with shrinking my cancer. 

Most people would not appreciate the word "Manage" when it comes to their cancer, because as cancer patients I would think the best and only news we want to hear is "curable" I know that curable isn't an option in my case, so manageable is good enough for me. I want to live!~  

The best news through this journey is that my cancer is contained to my liver, it is not in my bones as the pet scan had indicated and the doctor, assured me it was bone cancer from Atlanta. (Second and Third opinions should be mandatory in every cancer patients journey, for this reason alone.)  Before, I was told that I would not be a candidate for a transplant because the cancer was not contained in my liver, now this information changes the whole ball game for me, I will now be a candidate if need be. The doctor told me yesterday with it not being in my bones that I have 100% better prognosis. I wanted to cry and yet all I could really do was sit there with a smile on my face and a huge burden taken off my shoulders.  I feel good, I am scared and I wanted that to be known. I am not some super hero woman that I can handle any and everything without fear and concern. I am a mother, a sister, a friend, a girlfriend, I am someone that wants to make it through this journey and when I reach the other side I will find the pot of gold under the rainbow  I plan to always be following in this scary journey of managing my disease. All we have is our hope and faith to keep us going, and I will not falter from believing that I will make it through this not only stronger, but a much better person in the end. 

This journey has taught me so much. Made me think about things I had never thought about before and as scared as I am .... I am more determined than ever to kick cancers ass, and making a statement of hope, faith, and courage along this journey I travel.  I hope that I can help other people. I know some people wonder why I would want to help other people because honestly no one in the world deserves to have cancer and no one in the world deserves to feel shame, sorrow, or even loneliness from this or any other disease. The world isn't always a nice place. There are some really mean people in this world, and as much as that makes me sad, it enlightens me to even be a better person!  

Blog #11 "Answers"

One month ago today, my life changed forever. I have become one of the hundreds of thousands of cancer patients in this country. A day that my life will forever be changed by. A day that my entire family will forever be changed by, and I sit here grateful, grateful to be alive.  

I don't wonder "WHY ME?"  I am at MD Anderson Cancer Hospital in Houston TX, and I look around at so many older and younger people and I ask myself "Why them?" 

I got answers I wasn't expecting this week. My cancer is a new line of cancer, that has just developed within the last 5-6 years. It has started in my bile duct area, which is part of the liver.  Only 2% of cancer is actually Liver Cancer, meaning the primary source of where it starts from. I had made my mind up to do alternative medicine, I guess because the doctor at Emory in Atlanta, said I would be on chemo the rest of my life and to only expect 12 months to live. I didn't want the life I had left miserable. Where I was sick and losing my hair. I thought that alternative medicine at the time gave me more hope than the chemo ever could. I was told that and  I had to believe it, it came from a doctor, don't all doctors know everything? Not! 

  Coming here to MD Anderson, the whole story changed. The 12 months was a study that was done on mostly older, very sick patients at my same stage of cancer. They did 6 months of treatment, and most did not get better. The younger, healthier ones did do so much better. 

I'm not really affected by this disease. It's not hurting my liver, as the cancer is on 75% on my liver, and my blood work is great, I am overall healthy with the fact that I have this large amount of cancer in my body. It's almost as if my body has this ability to fight it from making me sick. Which apparently is amazing. 

The pet scan I had showed some indications of cancer in my bones, therefore, the doctor ordered a bone scan, in which I did a few days ago. We go back this morning and meet with the doctor to review my blood work and bone scan. I pray that it's really good news, but prepared to fight harder if it's not. It's mind over matter at this point. Nothing much I can do about the fact that I have cancer, other than eat right, exercise, and do the treatments to manage this disease within my body. I will never be one of those people that celebrates remission,. what I will be... is one of those people that celebrates every day it's managed. 

I don't want cancer in my body, however, it's never our choice. It's something I will live with forever and as hard as this month has been, I have learned to accept this, and do what I can to fight it with the best of my ability. I cry at times. Who wouldn't? But, I have a better chance at survival than a lot of people have seem to have with this same form of cancer, and that makes me one of the lucky ones in my eyes. 

My brother has been amazing. I see the worry in his eyes, and all he wants to show me is his strength and encouragement. It takes a lot to go through this journey not only of being told you have cancer, but the process of what to do about it! He has literally put his whole life on hold for me, there are not many people in this world that would ever do that. Most people feel bad for you at the very beginning and then life moves on, and so many people are left to face this disease on their own, wishing that had someone, anyone, to help them. I will forever be changed by this disease. It's been a long journey so far, and taking a flight to TX to find the answers was the best thing I could have ever done.  

I've met so many people, each cancer patient has a story, has their story and struggles. It's sad, and scary! The uncertainty is what is the most fearing for all of us, facing this disease. The unknown, is what scares some people so much that they just give up hope. I hate that. I met a couple yesterday, that the husband has a rare form that only 2% of patients with cancer ever get. They live in Arkansas and were told he needed chemo and radiation. He said "my nagging wife said we need a second opinion, so we came here" I smiled. Because a good wife never takes the first answer when it comes to someone she loves, you should always get a second opinion. Always. Anyways, they came here and the doctor told him if he had done that chemo and radiation he would have died. So they were here in the business center online looking for an apartment to rent for the next six months because the treatments he needs can only be done here in Houston in the hospital. I told her they had apartments here where we are staying, and they raced to the front desk to check on the availability. I hope they can stay here. As they left and the door was closing I overheard that lady speaking to my brother she said "Your sister, is amazing in her spirit and attitude" It brought tears to my eyes. I have always been a people person, however, I think I will be more so now then ever before. 

Open your eyes and your heart to the people around you, the stranger sitting next to you at lunch may be someone that needs a lending ear, or a simple smile. Give of yourself to others, it doesn't cost you a dime. 

As I say every time ... Don't cry for me... Pray for me!!! Through this journey I have realized how important things really are to me and I hope that I can spread that message to you as well. 

Hope "Blog # 10"

Through this journey of being diagnosed with cancer, I have thought about a lot of different things. The way I would have lived my life if I would have known the way that I was living it would make me sick or even feed the cancer I had growing in my body! I would have been one of those people that was a health nut my whole life, the people that you see going to farmers markets buying fresh fruit and vegetables, the health conscious people that are always at the park walking the track, keeping their bodies in great shape not only externally but internally as well! Those people get cancer too, but I would have to believe that everything I have read that if you take care of your body,it will take care of you. 

I encourage everyone I know to adjust their eating habits. Being healthy is extremely essential to living a long life. I lived the healthy lifestyle for many years, up until I got pregnant with my youngest child, Evan, she is now five, and the Emory Doctor last week told me that I have had this cancer at least 5 years. The time that I gave up on taking care of myself, I get this horrid disease, there must be something there. 

I have had many of my friends telling me that they have changed their own families diet, and I am glad! You only get one life my friend. There are not any second chances, once you are gone.... your gone. 

I don't know where my future leads me, and in this situation it would be so easy to sit here and worry day and night, but that's no life. I am alive, I want to do all the things I can to make myself better, and I want to live my life one day at a time, that is the only thing that we can  count on, one day at a time. None of us are promised tomorrow.  Live your life happy! Be the person you want and should be everyday. Never take a day for granite because tomorrow is a day away, and a day you may never have. 

I hope that through my journey I can inspire someone else facing what I am facing in my life. Statistics say that 1 in every 3 people will get some form of cancer, Seriously, it's an epidemic... How are we sitting back and not protecting ourselves the best we can from this disease. Take charge of your life, plan your day to include the extra effort of giving up the drive thru windows, and pack yourself healthy stuff instead, drink water, coke and all those junk drinks are so unhealthy for you and your family. I will never drink another coke as long as I live. I loved them, and they are full of nothing but sugar, and cancer feeds on sugar, YUCK! 

My whole life I have wanted to make my personal difference in the world, I have been cussed out, criticized, and humiliated for trying to be a good person. For giving insight on things that I have learned to become a better person and mother. I have this calling inside, to reach out to people, and in doing so I put myself out there into the world so far that I get my feelings hurt all the time.  Going through this I have obtained  thicker skin than I knew I could have.

 I want to share my journey through this disease. I want people to know that it is not shameful to have cancer, I remember that movie "Terms of Endearment" Where she went to see her friend, in California (I think) and she felt that everyone was whispering "That's the girl with cancer" she didn't want any of them to know! I can't understand why it should be a secret. Why it's almost that some people feel ashamed! It's nothing any of us with cancer ever asked for, it's not that we need lots of attention to ourselves, what we do need is attention from God through prayers. Praying is great and the more prayers from more and more people for me, encourages me, strengthens me, and gives me more hope every single day as it should anyone facing this disease. This is not a disease where you have to be alone there are people in the world, that you may not ever even know that could be the greatest friend in your time of need. I have met and been contacted by some amazing people over the last month, people that our lives may have never crossed if I had not been going through this. I am grateful for all of my new friendships

I have no shame in telling my story. I have no shame in trying to help others deal with the pain and heartache this disease not only bring to themselves but to their families as well. This disease is hard. It's so much a part of all of my families life at this point,. we will always remember  the feeling of the initial moment of me being sick, a moment I know none of us will ever forget.  We found out I was sick and instantly took action to help in making  this leave our lives. You are helpless but hopeful,. and that is how I feel these days,. 

I want to be remember for being strong, for never going down without fighting the best battle I can fight. 

When life seems so hopeless and uncertain, there is always hope. Never lose sight of your hope and faith and you will go much further through any troubles you may face in life. Not more than once have I said "Why me" Because it's the way things work, it could have been any one in my family and I have to say, I am glad it's me and not any of them!  Life isn't always easy but if you live one day at a time, enjoy the moments of happiness, and live everyday to be the best you can be, you will have lived a great life.... no matter how long you live!