Blog #43..... Onward and Outward with this Monster

It's been one of those days. The kind that takes your breath completely away from you with a phone call, that could ultimately change the course of everything as you are told the doctor needs you in his office right away, with no explanation. The news wasn't as bad as my heart hurt that it would be, it's a change of plans in treatment and having surgery not only this week but next as well.  I am okay with that, I just hope my poor body that has already been through so much in the last 60 days... will be. 

I am having another procedure Friday where the doctor will go in and burn off the one tumor in the middle of my liver, it's deep within the right and left side and very hard to treat. Then... on Wednesday next week, I will once again have the Y-90 where they go in through my artery in my leg and inject the radiation microscopic beads into my liver to get the last 10% of the tumors that are left on the right side of the liver.  I had the Y-90  for the first time May 22, 2014, it was tough but I survived. I just had the burning procedure 3 weeks ago, and that was rough, mainly because he burned 6 larger tumors, and luckily this time he is only going to be burning one, hopefully that will be a walk in the park procedure compared to last time. Keeping my fingers crossed. 

There is a lot being done to get this cancer out of my body, but my liver has held up incredibly well and with  no damage at all  to the function of my liver. In our meeting yesterday we talked about "What if's" that was a hard conversation to have, the "what if "... I had not had these procedures so far, the disease would be so much more progressed by now ...and I would be yellow and in liver failure. I had nothing but tumors all in my liver and now I have hardly any. It's the moment that you think "Thank God, I am alive" I look back as the road I have traveled to get me to this point and it's been a lot of searching and HUGE decisions that have had to be made, and ultimately I have had to make them myself. I am glad of the decisions, I probably would not be alive right now if I had not made these decisions. I am grateful to be alive, I really am. I never one second wanted to die, I feared death, and I am sure there are a lot of people that thought like I did at the beginning, if you have liver cancer, it's a death sentence. I'm so glad that it's not. 

It's not that I want to beat the odds to prove anything to anyone, I want to be the beat odds because I want to live, I want to see my daughter grow up. I want to have my life back. The last 6 months have been a whirlwind. A total whirlwind that has taken my life and shock it up completely. I will always be a cancer patient. I will probably never feel free of this disease. I hope that I am in remission, I hope that I am cancer free, I know that I am not far from the end of this journey and to stay on top of the disease making sure it hasn't come back and treating it if it does. I may fight this battle the rest of my life, or it could be that we kill all these tumors and I never face it ever again a day in my life, there is no telling what can/will happen.  So when I think about being rid of this disease I don't think of it that way! 

School starts back a week from Monday,  I am probably going to miss open house on the 8th, it makes me sad, but I would rather be done with this stupid cancer procedures and onto recovery for the rest of her life of open houses..... I have missed out on a lot these last 6 months. I have been either stuck home in bed sick, doctor appointments, or in the hospital. I hope that all changes really soon! That's one of the most painful  things about having these disease for me, is missing out on things with my Evan and Landon. I spend a lot of time trying to explain this to them both. They are so young and can't possibly understand... but I try. Evan and I have spent a lot of time in the past several months crying about me having cancer, now we just talk about how every day I am getting better and beating this monster inside of me.  

I have a great life, one that has been very challenged while trying  to beat this disease! But,  I think I have done a great job of managing my business part time with a full time responsibility. I have worked very hard as trying to maintain, build, and give my all to my health, family, and business as much as I possibly can. I had been told many times that I should hire someone to run my business but honestly..... I love working. The second I feel better after any of my procedures I am back at work, I may not be able to stay all day, I may not be able to do all the things I use, even  as fast as I could, but I have done my best and I have loved every second that I felt good enough to work in the office instead of laying in the bed sick answering calls.  The challenges are only temporary. I have had to remind myself of that over and over again. People (friends) get mad at me for being at work, it's who I am. I am an overachiever and I want to be successful not for anyone but myself and I love being an Insurance Agent. Believe me, I will be hitting you guys up for letting me quote your insurance in about another 60 days. I am allowing myself to get better and then I am full speed ahead.... as I always have been! 

A lot of people have said they would not have been as brave as I have through this, that they probably would have laid in the bed and cried and/or given up by now. You never know how strong and tough you are until you are forced to find the strength to keep going and keep fighting. This isn't easy but it's not as hard as you think it is, if you want to live and you are the one that has to fight to make that happen. We do what we are forced to do. We do what we have to do. And we do what we sometimes never expect ourselves to have to do. It's life. There are no exception to who this disease effects hopefully none of you will ever face this horrible disease but know if you do or someone that you love does, it is a battle and it is a fight for your life, and your life is certainly worth it all. 

Thank you all so much... please be praying for me and my family as the next several weeks are going to be tough on us all again but we have been down these roads before and this time there is so much less left to rid my body of and hoping that it makes it easier for me and my healing time and process. I appreciate all of you and know that I am so grateful to have all the love and support I do... Day in and day out every single day of this journey! 

DON'T CRY FOR ME.... PRAY FOR ME!!!  

Blog #42... Bouncing Back Again....

It's been a rough 3 weeks.

But.... Here I am .. I finally back up again and part of the world of the living, again..... I swear, it was a really tough few weeks and there were times when I would just lay in the bed and cry... not sure if I would ever be able to get up and feel good again. But once again... Here I am .. Up and ready to conquer the world, maybe not quite yet, but I am close.  . I am not 100% yet, but I am feeling much better.

This disease consumes my life right now, but I am hoping within the next 30 days I don't have to think about any more procedures, any more doctor visits for a little while, at least, where I don't have to do anything but work on getting my strength and health back to normal. Normal..... I never realized how precious a word that is before. Normal is nothing more  to me than just being able to wake up, take care of myself, work full time, love on my children, go to dinner without pain, and just to be where I don't think about having cancer every second of every single day as I do now. I just want to be that boring word called NORMAL.....

I am waiting to hear about when I can go and have my CT Scan done at the hospital. I was planning and hoping for today but since I have not heard a word from anyone, I am not sure that it's going to happen today. Disappointment number one for today and then I called my Oncologist office to get my cancer marker, and I was informed the doctor forgot to order it... Disappointment number 2. Oh well, isn't that part of it. I just have been very on top of my own personal care and not only myself,  but my brother asked the doctor specially to please order the marker, and it wasn't done.

Life is so precious. We really  just have no idea what the future holds. Since being  diagnosed with cancer... I know of 9 other people that have been told they have one form or another of cancer themselves. These people are friends of friends, no one I know personally except for one of them.... but none the less, several of them have since passed away and with each notification it breaks my heart into pieces. I hate cancer. I hate anyone gets cancer and I hate that I have this horrid disease. I know that most people don't want to share their story with the world and I do understand that. I just know that cancer doesn't define me and when I beat this I can prove that to the world. Life is short ... and I know that I hate that we can not always control what happens in our lives, I just know that I want to live the best life I possibly can. I want to be that person that knows where she is going and how she is going to get there. Right now I am in limbo and it isn't fun but I will be in this mode until I get myself well and get out of this cancer mode of life. Doctor visits, hospitals, medicines, and feeling bad.  I have tears in my eyes thinking about all the people that have lost their lives to this disease. When I go for chemo it is usually much older people in there with me getting treatment.

I just got the call... The CT Scan has been ordered and has to be approved through my insurance carrier and then I can have it done. So it's the waiting game for a little bit and hopefully I can have the scan done no later than tomorrow.I need to know what he did last  made things even better for me. I am crossing my fingers and toes and hoping that I am closer to the CANCER FREE marker in my life.

The last procedure that was done, I stayed in the hospital for 2 nights. They had put me to sleep for the procedure, which I thought would be better. Not quite. Apparently I woke up back in my room and the gurney that they moved me from recovery to my hospital room bed, I would not let them move me. So in this small hospital room was the bed and the gurney. I think I was a real jerk. I cussed out the doctor,( I don't remember that) then I got mad at the nurse for the small amount of pain medicine she was giving me in my port.  I wasn't the best patient that day. I don't remember a single thing. I remember several people came to see me, but I was in so much pain that I don't even remember talking to them, one of those people being my sweet little Evan Raine. I am glad I behaved myself with her, at least I assume I did since she didn't say anything about me being crazy!

I had no idea any of that stuff went on until I got home from the hospital, no wonder it took them forever to bring me my pain medicine and anything else I asked for! Hmmmm.....

Anesthesia will make you say and do crazy things, I am no exception to that rule I suppose. I was in so much pain and honestly, I still have a lot of pain, but with each day it's getting better. It's just getting myself up and getting around again that is going to be the only thing that can work out the pain. I would rather feel the pain in my side then I would to be just laying in the bed ...out of it like I was for almost 3 weeks. I was horrible.

After the CT Scan we will have some answers to the direction I will be heading with further treatment. I hope the CT Scan will be done tomorrow. I am a very impatient person and I really want to know how well this worked on the left side and see if burning off the other 10%  that was left on the right untreated from the Y-90 worked to rid my liver of the rest of this disease.  I have to say the Y-90 was a breeze compared to him going in and burning the tumors off. That was incredible pain. Pain I hope I never feel again. I don't know that I can take going through any of that again. I say that and I read a post from a friend I have on facebook that her husband has cancer and they went in an surgically removed his stomach and esophagus and they rebuilt them out of his intestine's he has had some set backs, but he is fighting hard to save his life. If he can do it through all of that, I can do it through all that I have had done. I feel encouraged and strengthened by other patients and I love sharing and following their journey's of hope of cancer free themselves.

There is no one road through cancer...every one has their own stories.... their own pain and suffering and their own victories.  There is no easy way to maneuver through cancer, there is no path you travel that will lead you through the journey, it's all up and down, in and out, winding and straight days that you travel alone. Cancer takes the lives of so many people. Like me, no one wants to die. When you are told you have this horrid disease the first thing anyone probably thinks of is dying. Then they prepare for the fight of their lives. We all fight this disease... We all hope to beat this disease. There is no certain outcome of when, how, or even why. It's really in what happens and how this disease reacts to modern medicine as to where it and you go from there.  I want to live. I have said that since the first time I wrote a blog. I have fear of dying, there are times more so than I care to admit, but fear doesn't mean you give up it's just that you are logical about what may or may not happen. I fear death only when I can not get up and out of bed, I fear that all the things that we are doing to rid my body of the disease could be damaging it as well. I don't know the answers I just know that I am putting my faith, belief, trust, and life into the hands of someone that knows and has treated this kind of disease before. I want to live. I have so much to live for and truly, I have so much more I wish to do with this life of mine. I beg God every day to let me overcome this disease!

Summary... I am better, not 100% yet, but better. I have a smile on my face I have been at work all day and I have accomplished a lot. I have great friends, a wonderful family that I am truly grateful for. Life isn't easy or normal right now, but I am working on that too.

I will post again when I have more news and as I always say  Don't cry For me.....Pray for Me.

Blog #41 "Courage & Vulnerability"

Life is a journey. A never ending & changing journey that leads us through the days of our lives. As we are truly never knowing or expecting what could happen with the dawn of a new day!  I love these pictures of Samantha and I through the years. The first picture she was about 3 years old. The second picture is her senior picture, there I was pregnant. The last one of us is several weeks ago. I love her so much. I hope that through my life she will understand some of the things in life that make no sense, and never let it falter her desire to be the best person she can be, through all the uncertainties that life seems to throw our way. It's determination, dedication, and the will to make it through the tough times in life that makes us better people all the time. 

The day major changes happened in my life, they were just normal days, same ole same ole things ,and in an instant ....my life changed forever. I reflect on my days of life that changed who  I was, what I thought was important, and often wonder if I could  have ever seen that happening ...if I would have paid more attention? I think we all do that is some form or another.

 Life is meant to be lived. I have had times that I wasn't living my life to it's full potential of happiness. Where I settled for less than what I wanted and and less than I truly deserved just to be comfortable in a uncomfortable life. Living life isn't easy. Letting go, starting over, and stepping outside of our comfort zones to find happiness. Happiness is more important to me now, than it has even been a day in my life before.  You only get one life, it isn't about the job that makes all the money, it isn't about the fancy house and nice cars, it isn't about having the best clothing, let me tell you none of those things even matter a fraction of a percent when you are fighting for your life. None of those things would make a single bit of difference when you are no longer here. 

There have been many times since I have gotten sick that I would sit and look around my house. Looking at all the stuff that I spent my hard earned money on, things I just had to have, and now I wish I could just get rid of it all. I thought about "What if something happened and I didn't make it through this? Where would all my stuff go.... I would leave this earth with every thing I have ever owned left behind.  Left for someone else to take care of after I was dead and gone. It made me sad to think of something so awful, but when you have no idea if you even have a tomorrow, you think about those things. It's almost as if you have to think about those things. As painful as those things can be.  

I am a very raw person, I say what I think and I write about what I feel. In doing so, I am able to release so much frustration and anxiety that I have in my life, that I would be someone totally different if I weren't able to express myself this way. This blog has been an outlet for me. The days that I was fearing death the most, I would log in, start writing, and I was able to turn almost all that negativity I was feeling, into something more inspiring through my own words. 

I was relieved that the cancer has not spread. That the tumors on the right side are 90% gone, and I have to tell  you all I feel like a million dollars. I still hurt in my side, I have pains in my legs, and I have another procedure tomorrow to burn the tumors on the left side, but all in all I am up, I am living life, I was out shopping, having dinner,hanging with family and friends,  and going to the movies over this fourth of July weekend. It has made all the days I laid in the bed and couldn't move, and all the times I have hugged the toilet worth every second of going through .....

Through this journey I have never wanted any one to feel sorry for me. I wanted to share my struggles, I wanted the people that had no idea what cancer means in someone's life, how it feels, What it looks like. And how it affects everyone that loves person with the disease.Before I got sick, I would hear of someone (I didn't really know) that they come down with cancer, and it was bad. I have to be honest, I thought they are not going to make it. Sometimes the person did and sometimes the person didn't. But, my point is... I thought cancer was a complete death sentence. I thought liver cancer was my death sentence. I don't feel that way anymore. What I want out of this disease is:

To be a better person
To find a way to share comfort to others
To give back all that I have been given since I have been sick
To hear the words "Cancer Free"
To get up everyday and know that I am going to live the best life I possibly can
To know that the people that have loved me through this know every day how unbelievably grateful I am for them and their love. 

   No matter the stage of the disease, where it is located, how fast or slow it grows, it's a word, it's a monster, is a problem that is so deeply hurtful to deal with day in and day out. I have had a lot of people tell me "I admire your strength, if it were me, I would be in bed feeling sorry for myself" I have thought about that so many times. You know... You never ever know what you will do ... Until you are faced with a situation. The thing about life is no matter what you have going on with yourself, life continues to go on. The world doesn't stop for our pain, or our sorrows, the world will always continue to go on with or without you.  I personally want to leave part of me behind. I want to share my heart and soul because the generations to come, I possibly will never meet, I want them to know... Their great great great grandmother was a fighter. My own grandmother (my mom's mom) died when my mother was 16, of breast cancer. You know what I know about her in my mind, is that she got sick. My mom had gone to party and came home kissed her mom, my mom told her if you want me to kiss you again, raise your finger, my mom kissed her and she died right then. That's the extent of a life that I know anything about, A woman that created a person that created me. My grandfather was a writer, he could have kept  a journal of her journey through cancer, and he didn't. Never have I seen anything he ever wrote about her, I don't think there is anything left, if he ever even wrote anything at all about her. . He wrote things I do have but honestly, nothing means more to mean that something from the heart and life of another person.

I am never going to be rich or famous. I know that I am simply just a single mom that has made more than my fair share of mistakes in my life, but to me and the ones that love and care for me I am a star. . I have caught a lot of grief from people over the years, thinking I think I am better than most. You know what I have never had the confidence that everyone seems to think that I have. What I have is a caring heart and soul and for me that has brought be further in life than ever having confidence. I put myself out there not because I am not afraid, but because I feel that I have to. It's a calling. It's this strong desire to share myself with people in the world I may never get the chance to meet or even know that gives me the courage to write the words and stories that I do. 

I saw someone that I know the other day write a post on Facebook:

I LOVE one of the rap songs that is popular today. I'm fascinated by the lyrics and appreciate the vulnerability in the words. I wish I had the courage to be so vulnerable many days.

This person is a leader in the church, that speaks the word of God, that is a beautiful person inside and out, I have reflected on her status for many days. And I suppose, the last sentence is what gets to me. I see this person as a leader, the courage of a lion, and vulnerable enough to stand in front of a congregation and share herself with so many to inspire them in their lives to lead them to God. I want her to know she has the courage and all the vulnerability in the world that she wants and that should lead her into new directions of hope and encouragement.  RP you are awesome! I wish I were more like you. I am better at writing my words on a computer screen than I ever will be standing before a crowd. 

We all are things that we never realized we are. We are leaders in how we raise our children,how we handle our relationships, and what we feel about ourselves. No one has a perfect life, it simply can not exist.  Some people hide their lives, they spend so much time trying to keep people from seeing into the inner side of their lives, because the outside looks so picture perfect. It's heartbreaking that they can not allow the world to see them for whom they are. I just believe in being honest. I believe that in sharing my life with the truth that I may just inspire someone else to believe that things in their own lives can honestly get better. 

Today, 5 months into this disease and I am having my  first cup of coffee that... Taste good, and that I have not thrown away with only a few sips missing. I am excited. Changes they happen to us all every single day. Never underestimate the unexpected and be prepared for anything... Because that's .....What life is all about.... 

I start a new journey tomorrow in the recovery of this disease. I am afraid, I hate the unknown, but what I I feel more than fear ...is this amazing desire to be cancer free. I have blindly gone into every aspect of my recovery, I have been afraid but not faltered from the plan. I know that I am in good hands, I have an amazing doctor, and I believe in him and therefore; my fears are less than that might normally have been! 

It hurts to know that this procedure could put me down for a while again, especially since I am feeling so good, I just have to believe that we never get where we are suppose to be without a little pain in life. I might not be able to write my blog for a few days, don't worry .. I am going to make it through this.. I will be back.... And sharing this journey of life for many days to come. 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me.. .....   

Blog #40 AMAZING THINGS HAPPENING.....

I am going to do my best to get through this blog without crying my eyes out.  When I began this journey through cancer on 2/6/2014.... I had no idea what this meant in my life. My picture today is of me and my sweet, Evan Raine and what we think about cancer! 

 I had no idea if I would even be alive in 6 months. The cancer was consuming my liver and all I heard out of the mouth's of every single doctor I met with... "It's really bad" Those words ring in your mind and heart. They were repeated through memory many times. The times I was most afraid. The times I was all alone. The times I didn't even feel good enough to lift up my head.  Those words stung like a million bee's many times over the last 5 months of my life. 

I had a hard time looking into my little girls' eyes and telling her I was getting better every day, because honestly, I wasn't sure that I even believed it. I knew I was fighting with every thing I had in side me.. to beat this cancer but ,I knew deep in my heart how bad it really was. The one thing that had always given me hope was that my liver has been functioning at 100%. The cancer had not caused any damage to my liver at all.

 I worried that the radiation (Y-90) treatment would hurt my liver (which it has not). I had several oncologist around the country telling me that they would not do the Y-90 treatment. That it should be a LAST resort. It could cause damage to the liver and they would not do it. If I would have listened to them I would not today be 90% tumor free on the right side of my liver. I wonder what those doctors would say now?????  They could have made me make another choice in my treatment and be on chemo as they said for the rest of my life and make me feel bad.... and kept me from having a normal life again. They had the opportunity and they gave me the advice not to do the treatment. Thank God we didn't listen. I had found out about the Y-90 in the beginning of the disease and I decided to search my options. That is part of being afraid of making the wrong choice, and part of getting wrong information from doctors that seem to care more about me getting my chemo treatments from them instead of doing this procedure and being 90% tumor free.  I have learned that as long as the person that is in charge of your care, truly cares about you as a patient and a person, that is the person you should trust. I wanted to give my Dr. Abbas Chamsuddin a big hug yesterday and instead I shook his hand. I love him. He has done amazing things that no one else cared a thing about doing for me and that's saving my life and giving me the chance to be cancer free. I love him and I would recommend him to anyone.  I am sure I get on his nerves at times and I am very inquisitive about every thing but I like to be in the know... as to what is going on with me.  The traditional medicine route is not always the traditional medicine route. I trusted my whole heart into someone that I hoped had a way of killing these tumors inside my liver. Not once and still not now has he gave me a promise of anything. I just can see when we communicate the concern not only for me but for my family in helping to rid my body of this disease. Nothing is guaranteed but I know if anyone had a chance of making this happen for me,  it was him. I would hope that through my journey someone else facing the same life altering things that I am would consider reaching out to Dr. Chamsuddin too, he will not steer you wrong and he will care about your recovery as much as he has cared about mine. The man has a heart of gold when it comes to his patients and that is something no medical degree can give anyone. A doctor with a heart and compassion is the best doctor to have. 

Yesterday, was my mama's birthday.She gave me the greatest gift. I know she is fighting for my life in heaven as much as I am fighting for my life here....  I had the pet scan the day before because if the news was bad I didn't want it on her birthday. I got pretty good news from Dr. Chamsuddin the day before saying it got 60% of the tumors but I could see the sense of unhappiness that it had not gotten it all. Most doctors, like us would have been happy with 60% but not him. I went back yesterday with the old pet scan and the new one and he realized it had gotten more than he thought, 90%.. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream with excitement, except I am one of those that the news has to sink in. I have to think about it, I have to analyze it all in my mind. I slept good last night and woke this morning feeling like I have been given a second chance at life and how simply amazing that feels. 

Throughout this journey I have been nothing with honest. I have had more fear in the last 5 months than I ever knew I could feel. I have cried more tears than I ever knew could be inside my body. I have worried and been to the brink of not sure if I would ever get up and out into the world again, and here I am today. 90% of the cancer on the right side is gone and now I go and have another procedure on July 8th, to burn the ones on the left side off of my liver. I am going in this procedure stronger than I did the last time. I am hopeful that by the end of the summer I can be cancer free. I can stop the chemo and I can live a normal life again. I will certainly be closely monitored and today I have more hope for a long life than I have in a very long time.  GO TEAM CHRISTY! 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me and know that I am a VERY lucky person to have all and to be all that I am! 

BLOG #39 Cry when I want to, laugh when I can.....

I am finding it really hard to find the time to write my blog these days. I have had some serious set backs of pain and a  cough that have put me down for a few days at a time. So, the days I am feeling good, I am at work and trying to continue to make a living to support my daughter and myself. I get depressed on the days that I am not able to get up and come to work, I love working, I am a very energetic, overachieving person! I have been a workaholic my entire life and to have this disease that interferes with that, makes me sad at times. I listen to my body, and I do what I need to do to truly get me through another day, and if that means, taking pain pills and laying in bed, then that is what I have to do on those days. I take the way I am feeling, day by day, I don't make plans with anyone for the future because I have no idea how I will be feeling on those days, and the last thing I want to do is make plans and have to break them. The biggest part would be getting my hopes up in doing something and then not feeling good enough to go and do it! That  would really upset me, so I avoid plans at all cost. 

I did 2 Friday's of chemo and I was off last Friday. I would like to say it felt great not doing the treatments but I was very sick with a cough that caused more liver pain, in turn caused me to be stuck back in the bed for a few days. I cried but what am I going to do about it? I have to live with this disease, no matter what it throws at me and do it with the grace and dignity I have in my heart to get me through it. 

Lately, I have been wishing for a crystal ball, so I can look inside and see where my future is going to lead me. Unfortunately, there isn't one and therefore; I am forced to live each day one by one. It's tough. Most people don't live day by day. I see posting things on FB like, "Can't wait... 2 weeks from today, I will be at the beach" as they are counting down the days. Believe me I get it, I just am sitting here hoping to feel good and make it another day to be with my little girl. 

This disease has taken over my life, doctor appointment's, treatment's, medicine, pain, and heartbreak. I have people that tell me to find the peace in things. I can't find peace, I will never find peace in dying and leaving  my little girl. I will not leave this earth in peace, and I am hoping that I can find the peace that the bible describes in heaven... but I just don't know. I have so many things left undone! So many things left I want to do!  So much more time I want to see my daughter and grandson grow up, there is no peace for me in leaving this earth and leaving them behind. I have no idea how much time I have left to live. I have no idea when one day I will wake up and no longer be the person I am today and be unable to take care of myself, I don't want that. I don't want to be left here for someone else in my family to take care of me. I want to just go in my sleep and not wake up , where my family will not suffer and have to watch me wither away, I beg God every night not to leave me that position, because no one deserves to have to take care of someone dying that they love so much, it's one of the hurtful things I know in my heart and I pray to God I don't have to have  them do that for me. I have been saving my donations just for that cause in case I get where I can not take care of myself that I will have money for my family to have a nurse come and stay with me, and take care of me.  I have not told anyone what I am saving my money for, but it's now out in the open. It's important for me.  For 45 years I have a been a very strong, independent, self sufficient woman, and to have to be taken care of is heartbreaking for me. I want to take care of myself, I have always been the one taking care of everyone else and now I am sick. It's unfair and pisses me off. I'm 45 and should be looking at at least 30 more years of life instead of worrying if I will even be here tomorrow. 

Monday...  is a big day. I have the follow up Pet Scan to see how well the Y90 worked on my liver and to make sure the cancer hasn't spread anywhere else in my body. I am more frightened than I have ever been in my entire life. I am ready to know the results and then on the other hand I am afraid what the results could be. I am hopeful. I am praying harder than ever before that the scan shows tremendous results! The few people I knew that had cancer I was always excited the day they got their pet scan's... That's the outsider version, the insider version isn't no where near that excited. I just don't know what these treatments of radiation and chemo have done to my body, and I fear the words that I don't want to hear. I fear it's spread, because it can, but honestly that is why my doctor had me do the radiation and the chemo together so that it would not have a chance to spread. I am just the patient, I am so unfamiliar with the world of cancer, what works, what doesn't, and where this road will leave me. I am blindly putting my faith into a doctor that I feel I can trust and that will do every thing he can to save my life. I want him to save my life, and I know even if he doesn't ...I have chosen the best doctor to lead this journey and do what he can to make certain that he did his best. When someone does their best, that is all you can really ever ask of them. 

I have lived a great life. I have two beautiful daughters, a handsome grandson, a brother and sister everyone should be so lucky to have, 3 nieces, 1 nephew, and a great brother in law. I have been to the top of the world financially, and I have learned some valuable lesson's along the journey back to broke once again. I have picked myself up, dusted myself off, and rebuilt an amazing insurance career, that has exceeded my expectations and I feel that I have always been a friend to a friend in need. I have laughed a lot, I have had very minimal sorrow in my life, (when my mama and dog died) I have always been one of those people that has faced the world and never been afraid to jump head first and see where the journey would lead me. I have loved and been loved and I have been let down and I have have let others down.  I have a sharp mind, and good sense of humor. I have cried, laughed, and rejoiced in the pleasures of life. I have been strong my whole life, because I never had any other choice. I have dreams and desires. I have lived a great life and I have been fortunate enough to have the desire to share my journey in my words. I have written and published a single mom book. I have written an inspiration book, a romance novel, and a erotic novel. I have so many aspirations in life and still as I face this illness I am always thinking about what dream I want to make come true next. I live every day as strong as I can. Cry when I want and laugh when I can. I have so much to live for and so much more to be grateful for. I am just one person, a one woman crusade that has the strong desire to live and see my daughter grow up, graduate college, get married, and give me grandchildren. I want what we all want, and it may be that I don't get to see the future. But, what I will not do is worry about not seeing the future so much that I don't enjoy and notice the present.  I live each day the best I can, some days are much tougher than others, and I lay there reminding myself on those days, this too shall pass. 

Thank you all for reading and knowing the heart and soul of someone that wants more than anything else in the world right now, to beat this, to live a long life and to show the world that being a warrior isn't being part of any army ... It's a one woman mission to live another day! 

Blog # 38.....The Good, The Bad & The Ugly Days of Cancer...

I have to  say.... this journey get's harder and harder as it goes along. The chemo treatment set me back, pretty much all of this  week. It wasn't so much about being  tired as much as I was hurting in my right shoulder and liver, again!  There were three days this week that I could barely lift my head up to get up and use the restroom. I would have to have someone pull my arm to get me out of bed. I would eat whatever it was I could and I would even do that laying there in the bed, getting crumbs every where, I had no choice, I could not sit up. That is a horrible feeling, one that I never dreamed in a million lifetimes that I would have to deal with. In those moments I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream out to God and ask "Why me? Why must I suffer so much?" I felt bad for feeling that way, and yet, I could not help myself. I get on this pity party when the pain hits me, I fear that I may never feel better again, that I may never be the Christy Hicks with a spunky attitude and high energy anymore!!! It makes me break down to the depth of my soul and fear the future. And then like magic, I start feeling better and I am able to get up and be in the real world again and I am happier than I could have ever been before. 

This disease is tough. It takes every insecurity in my mind and soul and breaks me into a million pieces. People are always asking what they can do for me, there is nothing, I have to get through the pain, I have to lay there on my left side and not move a muscle in fear of hurting and just take the pain pills every 4 hours  until the pain goes away. This week I called my doctor, I was seriously ready to just give up, it hurt so bad, I see the pain this causes  my little 6 year old daughter and the fear of her mama being stuck in the bed and how it  makes her feel. I missed my niece and nephew's birthday party, ion Monday  and cried most of the day wishing I was there. I was hurting so bad there was no way I could have been there but when Evan got home from the party she cried and said she wanted me to feel better because I can't do anything with her anymore. It hurts so bad to hear her say that, and I just continually tell her that I am working on getting better and that mama is going to have good and bad days and hopefully she can remotely understand. I am not good at this, I don't have all the answers but I am suppose to keep the faith and believe that I will come out the other side of this and be a better person, for all the pain and suffering I am enduring. It makes no sense to me. And I do it all because I want to live. I want to be better. Because I am strong even in my weakest moments, I find the strength to endure it all/  

I would do anything to be healthy and  to not have to face the fear of death every day of my life. I want to hear that "I am cancer free", and would even be happy with "we have it under control and we can manage this disease." I want to live and yet every day I am fearful I may no wake up. 

The world doesn't stop because someone is sick. hospitals, and doctors want to get paid. I have been sent to collections, I have people calling me about bills that were first considered pre existing condition and denied. I have to deal with procedures being denied with me owning a balance due of $90,000.00 .... I lay in bed sometimes and think what the hell is someone sick suppose to do. I pay for insurance and yet, my insurance wont pay for every thing. What can I do? Anyone got a money tree I can go pick from because I just don't know what else I am suppose to do. The frustration of some smart ass calling and saying "how are you going to take care of this bill today ?" I am not, most times I get so mad and I just hang up the phone. I am being harassed and being tormented with a disease that I have no control over. An average person could not handle this. I want to run away. I want to pretend I am not sick. I want to go to bed one night and sleep on my right side as I always have and feel comfortable. Damn it! I want to be me again. and I don't know that I can ever be the person I once was. 

There are days that I don't want to talk to anyone, it's not that I don't want to,  it's just I don't feel good enough to talk. Nothing taste the same. Nothing feels the same. I feel myself getting angry over petty stuff that doesn't matter just to release some stress and anxiety at times, because if I don't I feel as if I may fall completely apart. I wish my mama were here to lay in my bed with me day and night and hold me tight. I need her, and makes me so mad that she is gone. I want her so bad to be right here with me. I want to feel her comfort. I want to be held so tight. I want her and yet I must face the fact that I can't have her with me. It makes me mad as hell.  I don't dream anymore. I guess it's because I never fall into a deep sleep with the pain, and just not being able to sleep good. I hate complaining and yet I have so much I feel I have the right to complain about. 

I am finally feeling better and able to write my blog and sit at my desk and feel semi normal again, and I have chemo again today. I hate it. I wish I didn't have to go. I wish there were other choices for me to try and save my life, there just are not any more choices. I have searched the world over. I never wanted chemo I swear I would never do a day of it, if I thought there was another way to save my life and to get me through this horrible nightmare I live every single day! 

I want to scream at the top of my lungs I want to hate everything in my path some days I want to be mad and it be okay. I want to give up on the days I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am forced to be strong and get through all this pain and suffering. It sucks. 

I was thinking the other day about that movie "Terms of Endearment" When the mom called the daughter and she was  so sick and the mom was going on and on about so and so and gossiping and how the daughter broke down and said she didn't want to hear it she didn't feel good.  I understand that moment in the movie  so clearly now. It's heartbreaking when you can put yourself in that scene in the movie and know how the character felt. I surely do. I keep to myself a lot these days, I lay in my bed with the entertainment of a television that makes no sense when you are laying there with morphine pills that makes everything just a distant thought. I don't even enjoy reading anymore, or my favorite shows I have always loved to watch. They bring me no peace in my life now. 

Okay, I am still alive but today I wanted to share the hurt and painful moments and things of a cancer patient. To see the inner part of a disease that most people are so willing to tuck away from the world so that don't seem weak. Everyone wants to be brave and a warrior. I am ... I just happen to be a very honest warrior ... I am fighting this battle the best I can. I have good days and bad days I have all my strength and then I have none. I am just a woman that wants to live... a woman that will fight this battle and pray every day that the next is a better day than the day before was. Thank you all so much for following me. For reading my blogs for seeing this disease for the ugly truth it brings into someone's life. This isn't easy but writing gives me a sense  comfort and peace I would not have without sharing with all of you.

There are a few bright spots and that's the love of my family and friends. I don't share all the heartaches with them because I would never want them to hurt as much as I hurt myself. I keep a lot of my feelings bottled up and today I shared them on my blog, and it feels good.  I will go to chemo today with a good attitude and the determination to beat this disease and do the best I can to 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me.... 

Blog #37.... Rocky Days and Heartfelt Love ....

I've had a really tough go of the Y-90 treatment! For the first several days it was fine, I was pretty much bed ridden and needed the rest, but for the most part I felt really good, It wasn't until about a week after the treatment that I noticed my legs were swollen and while doing something special for my little daughter, I almost passed out in the American Girl store. I went home feeling defeated. I know that I can not expect to feel perfect after all that I have been through but I have never in my life been one, to feel tired and down. I needed rest and I needed to remind myself that the Y-90 treatment is a radiation that is put into my body and I needed to heal from the procedure. 

This past Sunday I woke up to the most miserable pain in my right shoulder than I have ever felt. A pain that I could not even describe where it started and stopped, it just felt like it was engulfing my shoulder and back with stabbing pain. My first thought was, the port has gotten infected. Since the doctor inserted the port the day of the Y-90 treatment it has not felt great. It is a rectangle box looking thing that sticks out under the skin and a tube that goes up to my neck. It's not the most pleasant thing, and besides it's a foreign thing inside my body. I got my neighbor to drive me to the hospital. I was not and will not take any chances with my body. I have to listen to what it's telling me, and if there is pain, I want to know the source and should be proactive with making sure every thing is working the way it's suppose to. When I got the ER the doctor said, he did not think it was the port, it looked good to him but at my request they would do a chest x-ray and a ultrasound, just to be sure.  There could be numerous things wrong, the port could have been infected, I could have had a blood clot, or the port had shifted and hit a nerve. 

 I wanted answers and I was not leaving the hospital until I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this port was not my complication. After the test, the doctor said the port looks perfect, the position is perfect and there appears to be no blood clots. He said that it may have shifted some and may be on a nerve and prescribed me some more pain medicine and sent me home. I went home and rested the rest of the day, and when I woke Monday morning the pain so so intense I was screaming in pain and crying. Luckily, my doctor that performed the surgery called and said that the right shoulder pain is from the radiation getting into and killing the cancer cells and they are hitting a nerve that is generating from my liver up to my shoulder. I knew he was telling me the truth because on my first liver biopsy, he hit a nerve that day that caused a lot of right shoulder pain that went away within an hour. My doctor was so happy I was in such pain, and advised me to call the oncologist and have him prescribe me morphine for the pain.  After taking the morphine, I felt like a vegetable, I took it every 4 hours like clock work, until the next morning, when I took it, it made me feel so out of control and so bad that I was determined that I could deal with pain more than I could deal with the way that morphine made me feel. It was crazy. I stopped taking it several days ago and I have to be honest I never want to take that stuff again. I am alive and I want to feel alive and taking that took something mentally away from me that I just can not deal with!

 

This disease is something that takes the heart and soul of the person with the disease and it's as if you are put on a roller coaster facing the up's and down's.. but it is almost as if you are blind folded because you can not see nor feel when the next rise and fall is going to be.The things that take your breath away in a blink of an eye.

I wish I never was faced with this disease. The ER doctor said "You don't fit the profile for liver cancer, You look so good I would have never know you were as sick as you are" I have to say this is what makes this disease so hard for me. It's almost as if I don't believe I am sick when I look at myself in the mirror, but the further along I go into the process of recovery I feel the effects I had not felt before of the disease. Maybe it's not even the disease it's the side effects of this disease that effects me. 

Cancer really sucks. Being told you have a certain life expectancy is hard. I had to change oncologist when I decided to do the Y-90 treatment because my traditional, old fashioned doctor said he didn't believe in it. His only solution for me was chemo and I had been told several times that would not save my life. I am not in this battle to live until tomorrow or next week. I am the warrior doing everything I can so that in 15 -30 years I am still here and living a good life. I only have hope and my faith and for anyone to challenge either of those things isn't good. I am going to win or lose this battle on my terms, the things I believe in, the things that give me HOPE and if someone isn't on board with that, than they are on the wrong healing ship! 

I am not in denial of this disease, what I am is a woman fighting for every right that she has to save her life. To leave no stone unturned in trying to find the right way to heal me and cure this disease from my body. I have no idea if I will ever be cured but what I believe is that I can maintain my life, I can be one of these people living for many years fighting off the progression of this disease. I am doing everything I need to do, and that is what makes this battle so hard. I have no idea how long I will live, I just know that through my faith, dedication, and constant encouragement and prayers from others I can stand to fight another day. 

I cry a lot, when I was first diagnosed I had no idea what this disease would mean in mine and my families life. It's heartbreaking, but together we face each day and new challenge that comes about and pray that I overcome something that is trying it's best to kill me. 

The longer I go through this recovery the more people I am hearing about getting this disease. It breaks my heart.It is a disease that everyone else gets, not you, that's how I felt. But you know what, I have cancer, and I have to take the bull by the horns and try every bit of ammunition I have to beat this monster. I know that everyone tells me if anyone can beat this disease, it's me. That I am the strongest person they know ...Sometimes I wonder if I am really strong at all.I know I am because I get up each day and I face this with all that I have inside of me. I don't falter from the plan, even though sometimes I have every excuse and reason to do so. What makes me a warrior is my ability to not let this defeat me. To not give in the the disease I have been told I have and realizing that every day I wake up is a new chance to beat this. I know a lot of people in my inner circle worry about me all the time, they pray for me. and they encourage me even when they are afraid of the outcome of this horrible disease. Nothing is set in stone ... No one knows what will and will not happen with me. I just know that I want to live one day at a time. I want to embrace the good days that will give me encouragement and hope through the rocky ones ahead. They say  You have to get worse before you can get better. I thought that saying was so stupid, that is until it happened to me. 

I am still working as much as my body will allow me too. I go in and if I am feeling bad I leave, go home. rest, and try it again the next day.My work does not define me as a person but unlike so many people in the  world,  I love working, it gives me a sense of accomplishment and these days anything I can do to make myself inspired and feeling better is what I want to be doing. This journey is going to be a long one. One with lots of unanswered questions and lots of times that I may questions myself and my doctors. But I must say I am putting my faith for once in this journey to two doctors that are on the same page with my treatments and the desire that one of these doctors has in his heart to heal me. I could not ask for anything better than that from a doctor. He has been by my side this entire journey, whether or not I used his treatment or not, he was there and for a doctor to care and to go above and beyond for me all that he has is simply unheard of these days. I am not patient number blah blah, I am me, Christy Hicks a mother and woman fighting for her life that he takes interest in making my life better and longer.To be honest, I can not say that about any other doctor I met anywhere else along this journey. I know some people have faith in their doctors even when it seems that the doctors don't have much faith in their patient. I truly feel that with the right team anything is possible. This disease is not the patient only fighting it is friends, family, doctors, and strangers alike joinging together to help in making things better and brighter. 

I have said numerous times how disappointed I am in some people. Let me say this my disappointment in other people no longer matters to me. what matters to me are the people standing here in these moments of uncertainty in my life with their kind words and prayers that are what matters. Someone not being a friend to me is fine because they lost one of the best friend they could have had if they were ever in my shoes. We all learn our own lessons, and some people learn them the really hard way, but we all face our decisions in life at one time or another.

 

Cancer is no joke.It's there all the time lurking and moving about it's a matter of finding the right treatments to contain it to certain parts of your body and to keep it from spreading every where it wasn't before the treatments! I have thought long and hard about this but if I knew today were my last day on this earth and I had something I could say to the people I love, it would go as follows"

Greg (my brother) you have been the rock that has held us all together! I could not have asked for any one else that would have supported me, encouraged me, believed in me. and loved me more than you have. I am so grateful and I want every day of your life filled with happiness. That you let me go, move on with life, and know that I will be that angel on your shoulder doing all that I can for you. 

Lori (my sister) you have been my best friend all of my life. You have always shown me the errors of my ways and did it with a kind loving heart. I will miss you every single day but I know that I will see you again. Please allow yourself to find happiness take care of those babies I love so much and know that you are and will forever be my best friend. 

Sam (my daughter) the person that made me grow up and be accountable for all my decisions. My true love always since the day you were born. The love of my life. I have always been so proud of you and know that I am always going to be with you. I love you more than words can ever say you are my heart and soul. 

Evan(my little daughter) the bright spot in my life when everything else was falling apart. You gave me love, hope, courage, and the strength I needed in a time I felt I had none. I loved you the second you were born and I love you more every single day. You are what has completed my life. I want you to grow up be happy and do  something amazing with your life. Be a writer build on what mama started from and know that my love for you is as deep as the earth and everything all around it. 

Landon (my grandson) you are the most handsome boy in the world. I love you so much. I was so excited the day you were born, I know you will do something amazing with baseball you go make Grandma Christy proud and know that I will have a front row seat in heaven watching you play all the rest of your life. I love you 

Georgia (my niece) you are the sweetest. Your kind heart and love for me is felt every single time I am around you. I love you so much and I remember the day you were born it was one of the happiest of my entire life. 

Jimbo (my nephew) you lady killer. Don't you let the girls distract you from doing amazing things in life, they will try. You are so handsome and every day I wanted to come over and hold you and never put you down. You and your sister mean the world to me and I hope that you will always remember how much I truly do love you....

Ansleigh (my niece) I can't believe how you have grown before my vary eyes, you are beautiful and your softball abilities are amazing. You will go far in life and the sky is the limit for you. Please know I am always cheering you on and I will forever be your biggest fan. 

Devin (my niece) the shy little girl has grown up to be an amazing woman. You will do great things Devin. I hope that whatever path of medicine you take that you will fight for a cure for cancer. You will be an amazing doctor one day and I hope that you reach every star in the sky because you are simply amazing. 

Tonya (my friend) You have been one of the most amazing friends I have ever had. You are always cheering me on and picking me up when I fall. Our friendship was meant to be and it has been one I cherish most in the world. I love you... 

Ashley (my friend) what can I say, you make me laugh. You are a great friend, the best cook, and a great mama. Having you as a friend has made me one of the luckiest people in the world.I don't want to leave you because I love your exciting stories and I want to be your friend with you always and forever! No matter what... I will be I promise you that!  

Kristy (my friend) you have been amazing for me and Evan through this illness. Your kindness and friendship means the world to me and I can not thank you enough for always dropping everything to be there in my time of need. 

Nanny (my sweet friend) I love you more than words can say. You have been the see all know all person in my life and you still like me through it all. You make me laugh and you give me hope throughout my life. I wouldn't have made it in life as far as I have without your love and comfort. You are one of the people in this world that means the most to me. 

Mimi (my friend) you have been amazing. Every single step of this journey you have been there. You have given so much to me that I could never repay you for it all. I love you.

Jerri (my friend) you have been a great friend. Throughout the years of working together and then just being a great friend. You have been so kind and I love you so very much!

Kelley (my friend) my early morning phone calls to listen to me bitch and complain and then to make me see how funny it all really was. You are awesome. You are a great friend and I will forever be thankful for facebook bringing us back and closer than ever before. I love you... 

To all my Covington Girls (Tammy, Tiffany,Crystal,Sherry, DeAnn, Debbie, Robin Allison) you girls are the best. I know without me life will go on but I hope as you all get together and go on our girls nights out, that in some form or another you will take me with you.. I love you girls so much and you will always and forever be some of the best friends any girl could ever ask for ....

.

I am one of those people if I love you ... you know I love you. Through this journey I have been faced with something no one wants to be faced with and that is death. I have no idea how long I have... When it will be my time to go and I want the people in my life to know how much I loved them. I will be just another person dying and going to heaven one day to a lot of people, but for the people that truly love me and that I love it's going to be a hard day. I want a celebration of my life. I have lived through some really tough things, I am dealing with fighting this battle now, and it is not easy. When my time comes I want the world and the people that love me to celebrate. I have had a good life. I have been loved and loved some of the most amazing people and I have so much to be grateful for. I gave birth to two of the most beautiful daughters I could have ever asked for. I have been to the top and slide to the bottom and I have built a business that will be left to help raise my little daughter and to give a little easier life income wise to my oldest and her son. I have worked hard all my life and looking back on the last several years I am grateful for all the hard work and dedication that has lead me to this point that I can provide for them even if I am no longer here. They say everything happens for a reason.... With this I have no idea why .I just know that I am fighting and if my fight should end tomorrow I have a lot to be proud of. I have nothing unsaid to anyone I know. I have no hard feelings and no one should ever have a regret when it comes to me. We chose what we want to do and if you don't do what we should have or needed to do we can't blame anyone but ourselves.There are so many others I could say so much too. I just simply wanted to reach out to the people that have reached out to me on this journey and let them know how much it's meant to me. to have each and every one of them there beside me through these tough days.