Blog # 62 Precious Moments

Opening my life and heart on this blog isn't always easy. I have had to share with all of you... some of the most heartbreaking moments of my life. The things  that I could not wrap my mind completely around in those moments, where it seriously has taken me months to understand the full effect of something that has happened. I am a tunnel vision person, I always have been and certainly always will be. I see the small picture. I see what is directly in front of me, and I don't question nor ponder the future, I take what is in this very moment and I deal with what is right in front of me. I have been criticized for that many times in my life. That I don't plan for a future that is suppose to turn out how I envision it in my mind to be honestly... none of our lives ever really turn out that way... in the whole scheme of things. Things always happen along our journey's to accomplish our goals and either side track us or completely change the direction in which I our lives were planned in our minds to go. 

My vision for my life has not turned out how I envisioned it to be. I never dreamed I would have two children as a single mother 18 years apart. I thought that I would raise Samantha and I would be this empty nester learning how to live alone (something I have never done).  That vision disappeared after 8 "not pregnant" pregnancy test, and the 1 that totally screamed "You are Pregnant" that day will forever hold a special place in my heart. As much as I wasn't ready for another child, she became what held my life together. A failing economy, a career that afforded me ( a non college educated single mom) a life of anything my heart desired. My income was replaced with an unconditional love from a child that I could never put into words how much I needed her in my life. I didn't embrace pregnancy very well, I was sick as a dog. I would lay in the bed for days, talking to this little person that was growing day by day inside of me. I know she didn't hear me, didn't understand, but we connected in a way that I needed to connect with my unborn child. She was my strength in those hard moments of a changing in my lifestyle. She was the one person that I felt so close to that wasn't even born into this world. There is no wonder why I love her so much now. The day she was born I was happy. I held this little baby, that looked at me, and knew that I was her protector, she knew I was her mama. I loved her so unconditional in those first and all the moments of her life. She is 6 now, and she is sassy, (like her mama) but she will only take her sassy attitude so far and she knows to come back and everything will be fine and comforting. I love being her mama.  This past 9 months has been tough tho. It's been a hard time for both of us.   Monday, she was out of school for Veteran's Day (weird Veteran's Day was Tuesday but oh well) I got up that morning and came to work. The longer I sat at my desk the more I was missing her. I have a hard time taking time off because I am having to be away from work so much with my surgeries and chemo. 

I got up, grabbed my purse and decided that she and I needed to go to hospital and see Dr. Chamsuddin to see when he was going to schedule my surgery. I wanted to take her there because... other than pictures he had never seen or met my precious little girl that him and I are fighting for my life so hard for. When I got home to get her, she was so happy. She instantly asked about going to the mall and making a build a bear... I told her I would think about it.  On the way to the hospital she took out two pieces of paper out of my notebook I use for work and she drew two different pictures for Dr. Chamsuddin. She wrote the top part herself and then asked me how to spell Dr. Chamsuddin's name... When I saw the picture it melted my heart. She is as grateful to Dr. Chamsuddin as I am . She needs her mama and she knows that he is taking the very best care of me that he possibly can for her. 

When we got to the hospital he was tied up. Evan didn't get to meet him but as I handed his assistant Cheryl the pictures to give to him... she was smiling. It doesn't matter that Evan didn't get the chance to meet him that day, it's that he knows by those 2 pictures that she loves her mama and she is grateful to him too. When we left the hospital I told her we might just go to Build a Bear some other time. She with her sassy self said " Well, I know that I do a lot for you, I get you drinks and I come check on you and if you don't think that I should get one today, that is fine. I take care of you and not get anything really isn't right for me mama" I was was completely in her spell of guilt in that moment and we were going..... 

We ended up at build a bear, she picked out the most inexpensive bunny, and by the time we got the pj's and a robe for "Snowflake" it was $45.00 later. Dang a $16 rabbit cost a mere fortune. But, the value of making my little girl smile and to see her sleep with that bunny (at least for now) every night makes me happy too.  

Yesterday, she came home and handed me a little note... The note said "You are cordially invited to Jag of the Month ceremony on November 20th" I knew in that moment what that meant, she was Jag of the Month for her class. This is the second time she is Jag of the Month (I have to be honest, I would have never gotten Jag of the Month.. I wasn't one of those exceptional stand out children.. I was unfortunately less than average when I was small. Mainly because I held "No" confidence in myself.) Evan's first time getting Jag of the moment was 2/6/2014.... the very day I was diagnosed with cancer. I remember my brother took me to his doctors office to get a second opinion, we knew the truth but he wanted someone he knew to hear what was happening and to give us hope that we weren't sure in our minds there was any. I remember sitting waiting in the waiting room and got the call from Evan, as I answered her sweet little voice so excitedly saying "Mama, guess what ... Guess what Mama?I got Jag of the month". The tears fell from my eyes I was in that moment happier than I could have ever asked God himself for that moment of happiness. I needed to feel joy that day because it was so hard to wrap my mind around.... being told I have liver cancer 6 hours before that and being told it was bad, really bad. I cherished that moment on the phone with my daughter, the joy in her voice I knew was one of many great accomplishments in her life. It hurt so bad for  that same reason too. I wondered if I would be here to share in her future accomplishments. It was a bitter sweet moment ... Last night I made some video's asking her about being Jag of the Month and trying to show my happiness, she was determined not to let me talk or be part of those video's. When I posted them to our You Tube channel I created a few years ago, she was upset, that child threw a complete temper tantrum melt down drive mama crazy ... I didn't care. I want those video's there. I wish I had over the years made more video's for her. Now, I can just do what I can do. I was explaining to her that I wish my own mother would have made me video's now that she isn't here anymore, and how special one day those video's are going to be to her. 

Over the last several months I have taken a few moments when I've had time to write her notes. A little letter  for each of her birthday's just in case I am not here to share her birthday with her. I may live 40 years or I could die in a crash tomorrow. I brought this little girl into the world and I want her to know always without a shadow of a doubt... how much I love her and how much she meant to me every single day of her life. We never take the time to do the things we intend to do, things like video's and letter are hard to do and easier to put off until tomorrow ... But, when it's to late it's too late and I don't want to miss my opportunities I have living every day to do the things that I know will mean so much to her one day if I am not here with her.  

A 6 year old child understands things in what is a 6 year old child's mind. She doesn't understand what cancer, chemo, surgery, and me being really sick means in the big picture of things and if I can keep her thinking in the small picture of it all then I have accomplished a huge goal with her. 

When I go back and read what I have written it hurts me, but it's the truth, it's life unfortunately life isn't fair! I learned that 17 years ago when my own mother died. The one person that I could count on, I could count on to be beside me yelling and screaming for whatever I had done wrong in that moment of my life, but for me she was my mama and she was the one person that I could accept anything from because I loved her. There is no one like your mama. No one can replace your mama.  

It's funny my family and closest friends do not read my blogs. They would all prefer me not to write them. At first I thought it was because they were afraid writing them would hurt me to bad, but honestly it hurts them to bad for me to put it all in writing. It's more real when it's written. 

I have found a lot of comfort in sharing my story. I find a peace about the words I write and the deep thoughts that I can create on paper that can hopefully mean something to someone that is needing to hear whatever it is I am writing about on each individual day. 

I have lived a good life ... I have loved and I have been loved. I have had 2 children that mean the world to me. I have been happy and I've been sad. I have been at the top life and been to the bottom. I have lived to be who I am and never to pretend to be someone else. I have had some amazing friends, and some people that have hurt me beyond understanding. I have given compassion and I have received compassion. I have had the best and worst of days and been grateful for them both. 

I don't know how long I will live. You don't know how long you will live. It's about living today, appreciating what you have, recognizing what you want and going for it...day by day. 

I have another surgery planned for Monday. I am hoping that Dr. Chamsuddin is going to do the chemo on the one last fraction of a tumor left on my liver and burn the one of my lung at the same time. I didn't get to see him to ask about that. But, I am praying that this is my last procedure and that the next time we have anything to face it's a clear Pet Scan with the words coming from his mouth that I am in remission. Boy, that day will be at the top of the best days of my life... Nothing greater than the days I gave birth to my children but Remission sure comes close. 

Thank you for reading and sharing my story.  Knowing that I have so much love and support behind me makes this all possible.  I have had a couple of people reach out to me this week about their own health and I honestly can not say enough that a second opinion at Newton Medical Center with Dr. Chamsuddin may just be one of the best things you ever did in your life too. 

Don't cry for me.... Pray for me! 

Blog #61... My heavy heart this week....

Yesterday, was 9 months into this battle. And boy isn't it amazing how far I have come? I am still here.. I am alive.. and I am winning a battle that no one thought I could be winning, not even myself at times. I am a miracle, I have been given this amazing second chance at making a better life for myself and others and I embrace it every single day as strongly and positively as I possibly can. 


I have had a very  heavy heart this week. It started with Brittany Maynard when she followed  through with her decision to take the pills to end her own life, on her own terms. I understand it but as a cancer patient it hurts my heart.  

I went ahead and did chemo this week. I  decided not to wait until after my next procedure as my oncologist said that I could. I have just come so far and to take any chances at this point wouldn't be worth it to me. We sometimes have to do the things we don't want to do for the betterment of ourselves and that extends much farther than just taking chemo. 

This week I sat across from a woman that I knew was also facing liver cancer. I didn't know her whole story until this week. She had breast cancer 10 years ago and has been cancer free since then, that is until recently . She has been  checked every year and the cancer marker indicated that the cancer was back and it has appeared in her liver now, which is weird but it is still considered breast cancer in her liver. Us non-medical individuals  can only go with what we are told. 

Seems odd but the primary source is always the primary cancer, I suppose in some ways that makes sense. Anyways, she was referred to another hospital (other than the one I go to) they were going to go in and burn the tumors that are on her liver and when they got in there they found a lot more spots and stopped the procedure and told her that they could not do the procedure because of the amount of other spots on her liver . I asked her if they had mentioned to her about the Y-90 and she said no, she didn't ask me any questions it almost made me feel she was content with just doing the chemo (which isn't going to kill those tumors)! I wanted to scream out to her that she should get a second opinion. I don't want to spread false hope... so I didn't extend my suggestions out any further, at least... until I see and ask Dr. Chamsuddin what his thoughts are. I have suggested to several people to go to Dr. Chamsuddin to get a second opinion, and they don't show up, they see how successful things are going for me and yet they chose not to see what else is out there for them. It drives me insane. It makes me mad. I just know that I am in the best hands I could have ever found and I want to share the magic with others and it's either they are to scared to get the second opinion or they are just to lazy... Whatever the reason is... it completely baffles me. I just want to help save the world. I want to share what I have been given and give it back to someone else. The bad thing about that is a lot of people wont take it. I don't know how I can help others when those other people are not willing to help themselves. That is the frustrating part about this situation I am in. I will just keep on trying and sharing and hopefully I can get through to someone and I can make a difference in their lives. 

I know that I didn't listen to Dr. Chamsuddin at first. I was afraid, I was open to what he had to say I just had to spread my wings and see what else I could find to help me... That was nothing. I could have already been done with this mess by now if I would have been more open at the beginning. I was afraid of dying and I was scrabbling to save my life in every way that I could and I had the answer right in front of me all along. I want to kick my own butt sometimes but I think we have to be open and explore every opportunity. I was not a doctor person before all of this. I wasn't sure what to expect most doctors treat you for whatever it is you are facing in the moment and have no clue who you are the next time you show back up with some other problem. I am not that person with my doctor I am this person that he takes great concern and care for as a doctor wanting to save his patient. I give that to the people I refer him to beside the fact that he is an excellent doctor and it baffles me that they would not want the same compassion and care as I have been given. 

I know I am not free of this disease and I should be focused on myself, and not worried about other people, it's just who I am ... I want to show the world that liver cancer isn't just a death sentence it's a battle that can be won, that can be overcome, that can be something that you can live through for many years to come. I just want to scream it out at the top of my lungs until it hits home with someone willing to step further outside of the box than they ever thought they could and do something to save their lives. 

A good friend of mine's dad is on his last days as they have now called hospice in! The family is very private about his cancer and therefore I just ask for thoughts and prayers for a loving family that will soon lose the husband/father/grandfather/ and friend they all love and adore. It's so hard to hear about people I know loosing their battle to cancer.  And then I have another amazing friend with a inoperable brain tumor that went for her follow up scan yesterday and the tumor is completely gone, the joy and happiness of that news is amazing I have been touched in ways that I never knew I could feel with not only being diagnosed with cancer but meeting others along this journey as they are facing their own battles. It's something I can't begin to express in the ways that I feel connected to others facing cancer.  Sharing our battles daily in ways that others truly can not understand. 

I am no expert at any of this stuff. I have pretty much gone blindly and trustingly into this with a doctor that would do what he could to save my life. I could have never asked for any more than that. I am a miracle I know that. Makes me more determined to spread my story. There is not a person that I meet any where that isn't going to know that I am fighting and winning my battle with this cancer. It's not the attention I need, it's the attention that liver cancer needs to help save others lives if they know there is something more out there than just the medical books of chemo and no remission for a disease that won't just go away without stepping outside of the medical books of no hope.  I am fighting against the wind sometimes... but I look back at my life and think "It's what I have always done my whole life, I can't expect it to be any different now" So ... I will be spreading my story I will be sharing hope and information as long as I am still breathing on this earth! 

Next week... I am having what I hope will be a combined procedure for the spot on my lung and the chemo in the last of the tumor left on my liver. I am not sure if he is planning on one procedure or two but I am crossing my fingers it's one. I am ready to be done I am ready to have a clear pet scan and finish up with the chemo and just get back to feeling good again, I deserve it. I really truly do! 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me. Things are looking so good for me. And I know all of your love, concern, prayers, and thoughts for me have been what as worked in making this recovery possible. I appreciate you all and know that through my story there is hope in all of our lives in one way or another. See the goodness in each day. Know that it's not easy to live life all the time. Take every challenge you face and see the good in what you have to do to make any situation better. 

Blog #60... What is right for you .. may not be right for anyone else.

I have learned a lot over these last 9 months. I have learned what is important and what truly isn't. I spent most of my life thinking one way.... to completely have my thoughts changed by a disease that could have taken my life. It's weird how something like cancer can make you see yourself and the world clearer than you probably ever would have. 

Today, I am thinking of Brittany Maynard. The controversy that is around her decision to chose to end her own life. I see so many negative comments. On one hand I  understand their feelings, as before getting sick... I would have felt the same way. I would have thought she was selfish and all those "What if's" because her life was not mine nor anyone else but her own choice to live or die the way she did....

You never know what it is like to be sick ...until you are sick! You can never know how it feels to be told that you have cancer and that it will take your life in a horrible way. There are no words that I... nor anyone else can say that can express how that feels. You can pretend someone says it to you ...but it's so different when it's a reality. I can not even begin to understand the fear and peace in those final moments she had in her life. To go with the grace and dignity that she so wanted is something amazing to me. With me having cancer my biggest fear and pain I feel is that my family would have to watch me suffer through the end of this disease. It's the most heartbreaking thing I think that could have ever happened in my life. It's not so much about me suffering it's the people that love and surround me that I would not want them to watch me in those final days that my life is just taken away from me little by little.

 I chose to fight for my life. I never allowed myself to believe that I would die. I couldn't because I have so much to live for, yet none of us are promised tomorrow, not now and not ever. As much as we all wish there was a way to have cured Brittany, there was no way, she was told that she had 6 months to live. To be told you are dying  is the worst feeling in the world ...until you are living in those moments of death. I don't know that I would have the strength that Brittany had, because I am a believer, I am one of those people that believe in miracles, they happen every day, look at me I am one of those miracles. I've cried for Brittany. A woman that I have never and never will meet, she gave me a lot of things to think about as she has done for so many. She chose the route that she wanted to take. She fought for what she believed in  and I can only imagine the horrible things that people have said to her, but at the end of what she felt was her life she made her choice, I personally admire and respect her decision. I wish she would not have had to make it, that she never had to take that medicine that took the last part of her life here on earth away from her, but her wish came true and that is what matters most ... Brittany died for her belief's, her purpose, her desire to die with dignity and grace. God Bless Brittany... You are a stranger to me but we had a common disease that bonded me to you..... 

We are all given the chance to make our own decisions in life and believe me your views and values change when you are facing a life threatening disease! Cancer is horrible, cancer isn't a disease that is an easy fix it's mentally as difficult as it is physically

I am still off the chemo and my appetite is better than it's been in months and months. I feel good a feeling that I have been longing to feel again for so long. I see that light at the end of the tunnel. I am looking forward to having another procedure next week. I am ready for Dr. Chamsuddin to finish what he has started, so that I can go on with my life. I can live the life I been giving a second chance at living. How many people are truly given a second chance at life? How many take that opportunity to do something that could help others? I don't think I will ever know the answer to that question but what I do know is... I think about all the things I am going to do when I hear those words that my pet scan is clear! I have some influence to make in some certain doctor's views. I want them to know that if I can survive they have a greater chance at helping their other patients survive as well.  I am living proof that  these treatments work. 

I've connected with some amazing people through fighting for my life. I have met people with cancer that I sit next to every Wednesday and we share our stories while we are there to get our chemo, the poison that is going into our bodies as we try and save our lives. We share something that I can not share with most people I know. We encourage one another, we asked questions, and we cheer one another on in our victories no matter how big or small they may be. My friend I usually sit next to is older than me, she is the sweetest person. She is there every other Wednesday from 8-4 getting chemo and sitting right there beside her is her husband, waiting to do whatever it is she might be needing. The other day I asked her "Do you rent him out?" She laughed, actually the whole room laughed. It's so  sweet to see them together so in love and happy... in what is probably the scariest time of their lives. Makes me jealous. You can not pretend to love someone, it's there and shining bright as a full moonlit night or it's not there at all. I love to see people so in love, these days it's rare, I must admit! 

Today, I see my oncologist again as a follow up. I have decided to go ahead and get chemo this week. I want this monster gone and I think the break I have had over the past several weeks has been good for me, it's built me back up and I am now ready to continue this journey and see it to the end of the CANCER FREE zone. I have come so far. I have given up my life over the last 9 months to get myself well and what's a few more months in the journey to be in remission of a disease that takes most people's lives?

I hope you are all having a great week and are finding ways to make yourself happier today then you were on yesterday! Happiness isn't something you go searching for.. Happiness come from within. Be happy in all that you do. Because it's one of the most important parts of life that most people seem never to find. I have another friend that has cancer, I spoke with his brother several times and he said "We are all at peace with this disease" That is a great way to be, I am not quite there yet, peace and cancer for me just can't be combined. Life is short so find the happiness in any thing and every single thing around you. I do my best to do that myself. 

Don't Cry For Me.... Pray For Me! 

Blog #59.. Spin the Bottle & Halloween!

I'm so grateful to be here and alive   . I am so glad that I have been able to overcome something that should have and would have taken my life... if I had given it half a chance. Yesterday, I got a call from one of the oncologist that told me previously (the last time I saw him in mid May) I was in denial of my disease... One that told me not to do the Y-90 as it is the last chance alternative after trying the chemo. When the lady called and said I had a $50.00 outstanding balance, I wanted to say tell Dr. So So that he could write that off, because he almost caused me to lose my life several months ago, and he owes me and  not me owing him a thing. I didn't say a word. I have a plan when this next pet scan comes back and all the tumors are gone in my liver I'm setting up some appointments with these oncologist and their closed minded ways and take the proof of what can happen if you open your mind to other possibilities. I am sure he knows that I am angry with him and I think that I might have a chance at proving some things to these doctors and maybe they will be willing to save more lives. The oncologist that I saw that told me I would be dead in 12 months needs to see and believe in what I have done before they will ever recommend it for anyone else. I have a purpose in all of this and believe me I am going to fulfill my purpose!  

I had a little set back on Tuesday night. Every bone in my body hurt, my throat, my back, and every where. I went to the see the oncologist on Wednesday they gave me half a bag of fluids and a z pack prescription for antibiotic's They worked and I am feeling much better. I had a fever and it's never a good thing when a cancer patient has a fever. I haven't had but that one this whole time and besides the side effects of the chemo and a little stomach aches I am doing pretty good with staying healthy. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that I stay away from people and crowds. 


 Today is Halloween, it's one of my favorite holiday's. I just love seeing all the costume's and the joy of the children's faces, especially my own children. I decided to record a message (click link below to watch the video) this morning. I was just sitting here at my desk, thinking about all the things I have to be thankful for and I know that this second chance at life I have been given is my greatest blessing of a life time. 

 https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10205088424240850&l=2249421424115403032


When I was a child my mother never took us out trick or treating except to the houses of the people we knew and she still checked the candy , as if someone we knew so well would try and poison us. Makes me laugh now. My mama was a worrier, and I see that so much in myself as well. I remember we would get out of school, walk down the hill home, and be in our costumes waiting for our mother to get home and take us to the 5 houses. We never got a lot of candy. I remember one year I got to go to a Halloween party and trick or treating afterwards. That is the first time I heard anything about spin the bottle. I remember I had to go into the closet and kiss someone, I just can not remember who it was. I remember the game just not the kiss. LOL ... I felt so big that day, I found a new independence when I got to go with my friends and get candy from a stranger.  All I really can remember is that one time doing that. It was enough. Memories are great. I hold so many memories in my mind, some are tucked away so far that it's almost as if I have forgotten them until something special triggers my mind and the memories come flooding outward. 


When Evan was a baby she would say "Happy Hallowing" Always made me laugh and now I say it to her, and she thinks it's stupid that I do it. I don't care some things just will always make me laugh.  Tonight we are going to be in our own neighborhood for the first time in Evan's little life. We always go to my sisters house. the problem is my sisters kids run off and leave her for  their own friends. Evan  is growing up and wants to be in the neighborhood where her own friends are. I understand, it makes me a little sad to break our tradition but we do what makes our children happy. Evan's father and sister are coming over and going with her too. Should be a great night! 

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me. 

Blog #58... My incredible REWARD~!!!

Last Wednesday… I saw my oncologist; I was not feeling well at all. I was having all kinds of stomach issues, so much pain in my abdomen that he said he could hear the roaring without even using the stethoscope. He agreed that I didn't need to do chemo that day, he asked when my next procedure was going to be, I told him Dr. Chamsuddin would be back on the 10^th of November and he was planning on getting the last fraction of the tumor on my liver with the chemo and burning the one spot on my lung when he returned.

  Dr. Carter said I could take a break from the chemo until after the next procedure.  That was music to my ears! I was happy to hear I could get a 3 week break, and allow this worn out, damaged body of mine to heal a little and rebuild itself for the next round of procedures and chemo treatments.  In the meantime they were concerned about my pancreases, as it was very tender in that area and Dr. Carters PA order a pancreases blood test to rule out pancreatitis.  I was stressing for days over that test. Who wants something else to go wrong when you are fighting one monster, I worried until Friday when the PA called and said my pancreases levels were a little elevated but it was not anything to worry about.  Dodged that bullet, and I was a happy girl. My cancer marker also came back it went from 287 to 278. Not down much, but hey… it went down and didn't go up and that’s what being cured is all about.

Friday I felt good, Saturday & Sunday I felt awesome. I felt like me again, it brought tears to my eyes several times over the weekend. Just the fact that I felt like getting out of the house, and doing things that I had not done since I found out I was sick . The joy of not hurting,  and not having to sit down because I was tired. The happiness of realizing that how bad I have felt over the last 6 months is not going to last forever. That when it’s all done and I am through with all the procedures and chemo that I will feel good again. I needed that reminder. I needed to feel good again to reboot me for the next rounds of procedures and chemo. I told someone over the weekend I felt like feeling this good was my reward for all that I have been through so far.  It’s mentally hard to go through all that I have been through. Your mind can play tricks on you. Not that you want it to… it’s just that it gets so involved in what is happening in the now and it’s like it wants you somehow to believe that you will always feel this way. I know now I will not  and I am so blessed to have had such a good weekend. I almost forgot that I am a cancer patient … I don’t think I could ever forget all the way but I allowed myself to put it on hold in my mind and enjoy the happiness that the weekend offered.

Saturday, I took Evan and Landon to my friends little girl Christen’s birthday party. They had a blow up jumpy and those two monkeys had the time of their little lives playing with the kids and just being outside on such a gorgeous day.  Landon did not  spend the night because when it gets dark and bed time he wants his mommy or daddy so I told him I would pick him up the next afternoon for the other birthday party on Sunday.  Saturday night we went to my friend Tonya’s Halloween party it was a lot of fun and the kids had a blast on the hayride.  Sunday we met some special friends at Mellow Mushroom for lunch, went to the other birthday party and once again enjoyed a hayride.  Then we ended the weekend at a church carnival, where the kids had a great time playing games.  When we first got to the carnival we decided tot do the cake walk, well Landon and I did, Evan wasn't having any part in it. After the first go round, the music stopped, the announcer called #25 and there was Landon standing on the 25. He won the cake walk and his face in that moment he won was priceless. I had no down time this weekend and to be perfectly honest, I didn't need it. 

The weekend was awesome. I spent it with two of the people that mean the most in the world to me.  All weekend at random times out of the blue my little girl would come up to me and ask “Mama, you feeling okay?’ I could honestly tell her that I was… But, each time she asked me I would think about what the question truly meant. How much this disease affects my sweet and innocent little girl’s life too, she worries about me …probably more than anyone else in this world. She sees the every day in and out of this disease and it truly almost breaks my heart that she has to see it and deal with it. I know that she strong but no little 6 year old should have to be this strong. What other choice do I have? I have to be a mother, I want to be her mother, sick or not, I want her with me all the time. She is what keeps me going at times. She loves me unconditionally and for me that is my REASON to fight for my life.

When I am well, she is going to be so happy … We are going to do all the things we have been missing out on over these last 9 months. I have an agenda. I want to be done with all my procedures and chemo by the one year anniversary of my diagnosis. I am hoping that that is realistic. 2/6/2015 I want to be cancer free. I want to be back to my life and full force in accomplishing any and every goal that I set forth for myself.

I tell Evan all the time that every single day mama is getting better (whether or not I believed it at the time) I just know that God is with me. That all the people that pray for me, support me, encourage me, and care about me is what is saving my life. That I have a purpose in life, I never knew what it would be and I am not sure that I know how to go about what I feel is my purpose but I know that I want to give hope and guidance to other people facing the same fate that I was told I was facing.  Liver cancer isn't always a death sentence. I want that clear pet scan so I can send a letter to every single one of the oncologist that gave me no hope

except for chemo and 12 months to live that if they would open their minds and hearts to something new and could possibly save more of their patients lives.  The old school way of medicine isn't the most inventive or life saving way of handling patients and their cures. Every time I tell someone how Dr. Chamsuddin tells me all the time I am not suppose to be here, it tears me up. It’s those words that I mean I should be dead by now that rip me up inside. I chose the route I felt right in my heart about. I chose the doctor that I felt would give me the best chance at my life, and I rolled the dice. Something I knew nothing about, I researched on the internet but you really never know the side effects or the outcome until you try something. I was willing to try anything to save my life and that gamble brought me right here… so far… 98% cancer free. The u-turn of my cancer…and the chance at a long and happy life. I am blessed, I am amazed, and I am forever grateful!

After this little break and feeling so darn good that I have been rewarded with I am ready for another battle. Another chance at getting cancer free…. and being given a chance that most people are not given. I wish I could make every day for the rest of my life perfect. Life doesn't work that way… We all have our good and bad days we take them as they come and we make the best of what we have to do. So, I am not waiting on the chemo until after the procedure. I have my next appointment a week from today and I think that I am going to tell him lets do the chemo next week again. I don’t want to chance this monster spreading and there is a reason behind why I do the chemo … I am revived and ready to start again. Life is always about the little breaks to rebuild yourself and to keep going no matter what all you have going on in life. That’s why the work week is 5 days a week with a 2 day break.

I wanted to post the pictures of the weekend. These are the moments of my life that mean the most to see these two so happy and enjoying the day. This journey is hard but these moments of happiness make all that pain worth every second I have endured.

Don’t cry for me…. pray for me….

Blog #57... Don't hurt my feelings....

It was  a tough weekend. I did the fluids, thinking that it would help with the side effects of the chemo. The only thing it did was make my inner gut  hurt worse. It made me feel. so  full and I felt like I could be one of those balloons hanging on the wall at the fair, that you throw the metal arrows at and pop the balloon for a prize.Except there was no prize at the end of this game.  I was in pain and there seemed to be nothing I could do to make the pain go away. So, I laid there all day Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. I would take my pain pills and just sleep on and off as much as I could. 

The chemo gets me every time. There is nothing that seems to make me feel better. I got a new prescription filled on Saturday which cost me $220.00 and the only thing it really did was give me a headache... something I really had not had before now. So, I guess you can assume I will not be taking that medicine again.  It is suppose to help with the digestive system where the pancreas is slacking, I would rather just suffer through all that than I would adding any other side effects to this horrible disease

 On these days that I am bed , I am not able to get up and do anything to myself. No makeup, no wig, no clothes ...other than pj's no nothing just brush my teeth, eat what I can and drink as much as I can. I get up and take hot baths and as I pass myself in the mirror I avoid looking at that person that I no longer recognize. She is not the person I was 8 months ago, mentally, physically, nor emotionally. I still see parts of myself in the mirror when I am fixed up but I don't like the part of me I see when I am not. Call me selfish and vain, I don't care, When you step into my shoes and you feel the every day fighting for your life you would understand it too! 


I was telling my brother in tears today (which I always feel bad when I have those breakdown moments and he is the one I am sharing with, because he really doesn't know what to say) ...that it's almost as if when I am feeling good enough to get out of the house, I need to go places where I don't know anyone. Where someone is not looking at me, judging me and saying you need to gain some weight, you are too skinny. I swear I don't think I can take another person saying that to me. I feel judged by a disease that is doing the best it can to take my life away from me, and I have to stand there in front of someone telling me how skinny I am. Don't judge me. Don't judge anyone. If you don't have something nice to say to me, don't say anything at all. It's hurtful .. It hurts me and makes me cry, not that I would dare let the person see that, but it does. I have to live my life so far from the way I use to and it's so not fair the way I have to justify myself and my weight. I don't ask for anyone's opinion and unless you are sick or have been through what I am going through you have no idea how hard of a battle this really is. I cry enough... I don't need the hurt from other people to make me cry too! All my family and friends I talk to about this make excuses for people, there is no excuse. I am giving this battle 150% of myself. I focus every single moment of my life on getting better. I do things I don't want to do but I do them because I want to live. I want to see my baby grow up.

 I don't want to lose this battle! I cry because the chemo takes me to the brink of heartache every single week I do it, and  when I get up and feel better I am so happy. Then.... someone always hurts my feelings. I am not a punching bag. I am a strong woman but I am only as strong as my heart and soul will allow me to be. Now... I wish we would not have put off the next procedure until 11/10 I wish we would have done it last week. I want this nightmare to end. I want to be in remission. I beg God every single night to save me. To heal me from this pain, this misery, this scariest thing I could ever go through in my life. I want to be on the other end of this disease helping others. 

I know this isn't just happening to me, it happens to so many people when they get sick, they get the same crap they have to deal with, with other people that generally have nothing to do with their inner circle of support and friendship. . I just know that until you have cancer  you have NO IDEA how it feels. Even my doctors have no idea how this feels.The mental stress of this disease is tough. I called a friend today that lost her mother a couple of years ago  and all I could do was cry and apologize to her that I had not been there for them more because first hand I know what it feels like. I would have never known that if I had not been sick, and that's a shame. 

I am up at work today. I don't feel normal but I felt good enough to come in and do my job. It always makes me smile to be able to get out of the house and come to work. I was a workaholic. I love my career and I am so grateful to the families that are my clients that stand by me and support me through this difficult time.  I am fortunate that I can work and make a living from home and/or at the office.  

Things are going to get better. I am done crying over something someone else has said, but listen don't hurt people. Think about the things you say before you say them. It's not even about me being sick it's just showing compassion and concern for your fellow friend!  

Don't cry for me pray for me... and don't say I am SKINNY! 

Blog #56... Little Black size 0 dress and heels.

I went for my chemo treatment  yesterday and I met with the PA before my treatment, to just go over how things are working for me.  To see if  there is anything I might be needing.  I told her again about the way the chemo puts me down for three days, a couple of days after taking the treatments and I asked if there was anything I could do to curb those symptoms. She replied I could come in on Friday mornings and have fluids, that it helps so many other patients not to have those symptoms. Here is my view on this.. I have shared these same concerns each time I meet with the PA or the Oncologist and tell them this same things over the last 5 months and why in the world would they  not have suggested that before now? It was encouraging that I can do it and it may make all the difference in the world in my life, and then it makes me mad because they could have been doing this all along for me. Why have I had to suffer through this for 5 months when I might not needed to? Especially since I am one of those patient's that is on top of my medical care and try my best to stay on top of and understand what is happening in my recovery. UGH! 

I should just be grateful to have the chance to change the way it makes me feel but I can not help being a little ticked off about this. I am fighting so hard to heal myself from this disease ... And a lot of my depression and frustration has come from me  having to spend so much time in bed recovering from chemo. I understand and can accept the procedures putting me down and out but not the chemo. I just have to count my blessings and not be bitter about any part because no matter the pain or the down time what I have been doing is working for me. And for that  I am grateful. I hope tomorrow's fluids make all the difference in how I feel and that I can have my weekends back to do the things I want to do with my little girl, and for myself when she is gone to her dad's on those weekends. 

The disease isn't easy and if I can share my story to maybe help someone else one day than it's worth the time and attention I give in sharing.

Last night ...I went to the funeral home to pay my respects to a 91 year old wonderful woman. Mrs. Garner that had been doing chemo across from me several times. A sweet lady that I barely got to know, but I felt like I had known her my whole life as it came to be that her granddaughters and I grew up together. I had chemo yesterday  and I was not feeling that well but I refused to allow that to stop me from going. I put on my new nice black Cache dress and heels, put on a little extra makeup and I felt like the old Christy Hicks. Well, the old 40 pound heavier Christy Hicks could not have fit into that dress size 0 but hey we can't have it all can we???? I like being skinny... Maybe not as skinny as I am but I hope that I can add a little more weight like Dr. Chamsuddin says and still fit into that 0 hot dress. 

Today, I feel good. I am up at work, I always smile on those days. I am not sure how I have managed to maintain my Insurance Business and continuously have grown my business this year. I think I am blessed in more ways that I can count, and even understand at times. Life is good. Life is full of mystery and surprises. It's how you face and deal with the changes in life as to how the outcome will be. 

A lot of this fight of mine has been my attitude. The attitude that I will survive. The attitude that I will not give up no matter how hard the road becomes. The attitude that I have so much to live for and for all the people that have taken the time to pray for me and the people that have taken their time to treat me during this difficult time in my life. 

Thank you all for reading my blogs and if you know someone going through chemo and having a tough time with side effects please suggest the fluids trick to them it may make all the difference in their life and recovery as well. 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me.....